I think there are a lot of good points above.  Have you implemented them and seen any positive effects?

My child is much younger but number 1 for keeping his tantrums down is to control his environment as much as possible so that he (a) feels safe in it and (b) doesn't get overtimulated.  You can't expect an Aspie child to learn as many rules at one time as you can an NT child; it is very important to pick your battles.  In other words, you may have to allow some cursing in order to focus on dangerous behavior.  If there are too many signals and instructions and rules coming in your child is simply going to start ignoring them all.

I have long been scared about how we will deal when my son gets to be older and physically stronger.  Right now I can physically hold him, but that won't always be the case.  Sometimes he just needs to explode.  Just needs to.

One thing I do know:  you get absolutely no where trying to engage or argue with an Aspie in the middle of a tantrum.  My son has gone to a different place in those times - he is too busy battling himself to be able to absorb anything from me.  You have to let your child finish the battle within himself before you engage him.  Otherwise, you just extend the tantrum and feed its power.

Create a safe place for your son to go when he needs a tantrum and insist that he carry out his tantrum in that place.  He should be able to absorb and follow that rule.  But, telling him to stop it or control himself  or to listen to you ... useless.  This is easy at home; much more difficult away from home.  But, see if you can come up with a plan of action for away from home as well.

Tell your husband that getting angry with your son at these moments is useless.  When the tantrum is over you can issue the preset and expected consequences necessary for everything he broke (I say preset and expected becasue it is important that you be very clear to your son, and that your son know, when he is not in a tantrum, what the consequences will be for certain actions he might take next time he is in one).  Calmly, matter of fact.  My son understands that he has to take responsibility for his actions while he is out of control, and he has no issue with it once he has calmed down.

Your son in entering a tough period in life, when hormones and emotions are racing through him that he doesn't understand and doesn't know how to deal with.  Tantrums are one of his ways of releasing that.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't work to control his environment to mitigate the tantrums, and that doesn't mean your son shouldn't take responsibility for what he does during his tantrums.  But, it should help you understand what is going on and why.  Getting angry at your son for having the tantrums isn't going to stop them.  If he knew how to stop them he wouldn't have them, it's that simple.

Good luck and I hope things improve soon.

My son is almost 21.  We were living in Turkey when he was born.  I knew before birth that he was going to be different as I first felt him move at 12 weeks into the pregnancy, which my obstetrician informed me was impossible.  As it was my 2nd pregnancy I could distinguish the difference between a baby moving inside me and the after effects of a meal I'd not digested properly!  
He was diagnosed at 2 with ADHD, then with Asperger's at 4.  Bringing him up in Turkey had it's advantages and disadvantages.  My marriage was not strong either.  However, he was not a child who was agressive.  He only came across cruelty when he started school though.  He didn't have the cunning to "look out" for himself when other children, aware of his vulnerable condition constantly got him into trouble, or worked him up to such a point that they knew the exact level to back off and act innocent before he snapped and the teacher then stepped in to deal with his outburst.  We were legally bound to send him to school.  His IQ was over the normal literacy level so he couldn't attend a special needs school.  So we used to take it on ourselves to make sure that the teachers at his school knew that we as parents refused to allow him to be subjected to the constant teasing.  It worked and his teachers changed.  At the end of primary school we took him out of a state school and put him into a private secondary school and there he flourished.  He became relaxed, popular and enjoyed going to school for the first time.  
These children are extremely vulnerable.  They have no one to fight their cause but their family.  Please do not let your child be bullied.  They remember every little incident and can relate it in detail far more easily than any child without Asperger's for years and years.  
I've gone on a lot so I'll close now, but I can't stress enough how much more these children need their parents' close scrutiny while away at school.  They need to understand that the situation they are in is secure, because life is hard enough for them already.
I stumbled on this site and joined today.  I love it.  Thank you all for being here.

I hope you will feel welcome at this forum, Keeley. I'm glad that you rose to the challenge of dealing with the school bullying.

Oh, my!  My OB/GYN told me I couldn't possibly have felt my baby move at 13 weeks. But I know I did.  My husband felt him at 20 weeks.  He was my first and I thought before I had him that he may rip through my stomach before it was over.  He despised the elastic waist band of maternity pants and would push at it with his foot.  My second son never hurt when he moved.  

At 2 my older (Aspy) son was diagnosed ADHD, then Asperger's at 4.  He rolled, crawled and walked early.  At 9 months he would line toys perfectly straight by size and scream if they were moved. He's never played with toys in the "traditional" or expected manner.  I've always known he was special. And I mean that in the best sense of the word.

I was so surprised to see so many similiarities that I had to comment on it.  I stumbled onto this site today with no intention of posting so soon!

The rest of my post is not directed toward Keeley, nor any other individual:

We have been fortunate that our school (private) has read everything we've brought them and have incorporated some of the recommended methods to help him with his learning style.  It is a small school which helps considerably, I think.  He is allowed to be an individual while expected to behave and live up to his potential.  

Yet even in this environment, we have had to deal with bullying.  It seems one child on the playground waits until everyone is lining up and the teacher is preoccupied so that he can trip or punch him.

He is very sensitive and even in the normal way of children wanting to play with other kids, hurt by what he sees as a personal rejection.

I agree that it is something that can stay with them for a very long time and have a devastating effect on their self-esteem.  So, I think that bullying must be stopped at all costs.  However, I do realize it may not be possible for the child of the OP to be removed from or even transferred to a different school, as choices in our community are extremely limited as it may be in their community.

If there is any way to stop the bullying, including removing from that school, of course, it should be done.

If it is not possible to remove him, going up the chain of command and persistently demanding it stop should be pursued.  Individual therapy to learn ways of stopping it, coping with it, and preventing or improving self-esteem issues may be warranted.

Please don't flame me for saying something other than "Pull him out now".  I think if it is possible that should happen.  But in reality, it is not always possible.  So these are some things that occurred to me as part of an alternative.

Yeesh, sorry for the really long-winded post!  It's just so wonderful to have found this resource.

I agree that you should pull your son out of school immediately.  I homeschool my AS son and he is a very happy kid.  Yes, he has meltdowns, but he has never once been bullied in his life.  Being bullied destroys the soul.  You are seeing the results of this now.

Be very careful with antidepressants, as another poster noted they can cause great havoc that is not easily remedied, and as the doc are coddled by the pharm. companies they remain willfully ignorant.

Put everything of value in storage.  Film-cover the windows to prevent breakage.  Use what he loves as a reward for doing his homeschool assignments.  Let him play with younger kids-- maybe he can start earning money as a babysitter.

The violence should not be allowed, and you need to protect him from being bullied.  There's really no way to do that in a school setting, particularly one where the principal "hates" you.

Xactorofjustess wrote

You are assuming that this kid can't be trusted not to smash things up, but you think he would still be suited to playing with younger kids and working as a babysitter? WHAT?

I hadnn't noticed that ... but I can see the thought process.  I would suggest mothers helper and not babysitter, though, since you make a really valid point.  Even though the issues of handling a tantrum and being able to be successful around children are going to be separate 99% of the time, you can never be sure that the need to throw a tantrum won't happen while babysitting.

My 13 year old also has had violent meltdowns - it is REALLY important for all the other people around him to stay calm and in control (although I do realise that is extremely difficult).

I am lucky that he is much smaller than I am so I am able to hold him and remove any 'weapons' he has armed himself with. I do not believe he wants to carry out any of his threats - he really appreciates us saying, calmly, "We will NOT allow you to do that, however angry you are." as it makes him safe, even though he has lost control.

He is now in a much better school where he is allowed to spend as much time in his 'safe place' - the school library - as he wants, whenever he wants. The staff there even unlock the teachers' private resource room for him to use when the library becomes busy.

The 'meltdowns' have abated and I am sure that this is because he has more control over his life, which we find extremely important. If you feel that your life is controlled by others, unpredictable and possibly malignant, how are you supposed to cope when you are only thirteen and, as an Aspie, have never understood how or why the world operates as it does?

Sorry to go on, I am new to this site and as someone else remarked what a wonderful resource.  :grin:

Thank you for your much needed encouraging words Lili Marlene.  

Reading the feedback, as well as the posts I've read before, is all so relevant to our own case, I feel positively energised having found you all.

My son didn't have outbursts as such of anger or frustration.  And I almost wish he did have, because he seemed to just stash it all away and become saddened by it all.  

For the past year though he's been going to a gym, where he spends 3 hours religiously trying to wear himself out.  At least it's helped him finally to be able to use the physical exercise to release his frustrations.  Funny thing is too, that we'd been trying to get him to do something like that since primary school, but he'd never wanted to.  Asperger's sufferers just hate being pushed into anything, don't they?

We especially don't like being pushed into thinking of ourselves as "sufferers". :wink:

Oh but my son's suffering is very real.  He only has two people in his world who really understand his trials and I'm one of those two, the other is his elder brother.  Everyone else's understanding is superficial.  Tolerated so long as he doesn't rock their lives too much.
When he asks me at 21 if I think he should try to act normal so people will believe him to be normal it tells me he suffers alright.
Given the choice he would change now, so he is a sufferer.  If anyone else is offended by my terminology then I'm sorry.  But I just assumed that others were as unhappy as my son is and as aware of how different this condition is to other people.

keeley I'm pretty sure one of the main things your son is "suffering" from, is your inability to accept him as he is. Rather than seeing him merely as an object of pity. He's a person, not a bird with a broken wing.

Assuming that someone is suffering, is to assume they are helpless. Which only continues the stigma towards those who are neurodiverse, are all like small little children, who can't do anything or function on their own. This may be the message you are sending to your son.

Perhaps if you looked at the ways to help him from the perspective of, how can I help him have control over his behaviour, vs the perspective of oh how he suffers, I'm the only one who can help him. Maybe he wants to feel some sense of independance from you, did you consider that?

Maybe your son is trying to act normal, because he feels it will satisfy you. That maybe then you'd stop treating him like a small child who needs mommy there to help him with his tantrums, and more like a man who can take care of himself, despite having some issues.

To assume others are as "unhappy" as you have assumed your son to be, is to claim that we all are not humans, that we're like pets that our parents need to take care of. I'm sure you can see how that is offensive to us, since it is a stigma that is still used to today, to convey how we need to be "cured" of our "suffering" when we're functioning just as well, if not better than neurotypicals.

Finally Asperger's "sufferers" hate being pushed into anything? Oh I suppose if your son was without Asperger's Syndrome, you would view his choice not to go to the gym as a decision, rather than him being insolent.

Try to look at things from his perspective, rather than your own. Think about how you would feel if someone claimed you were suffering, that you don't know what is good for you so you need other people to have total control over your lives. In fact, go to this site:

http://isnt.autistics.org/

Perhaps you might gain an understading of what it is like to have who you are as a person, assumed to be something it is not. I don't mean to offend, but I do think that maybe this might help you, like a little sensitivity training.

Keeley wrote

If your son lived on a planet or country of autistics would he still feel any need to "try to act normal", would he still have a tragically limited support base of people who understand what he is all about, and would he still be a sufferer? How long do you think people like your son will be satisfied with living in isolation amongst neurotypical people? I think he deserves and needs something better, quite frankly.

I'm not sure if you are aware that the idea of forming an all-aspie exclusive community keeps popping up in aspie forums. My aspie husband says just about every week how much he wishes there was some other country or planet full of people like us that we could escape to to get away from the type of people who he calls "morons" (and I know what type of people he referring to).

I don't "live with Aspergers" and I don't "have Aspergers", I am an aspie, always have and always will be till the day I die.

Well I thought this was a forum for parents to give each other support.  You people are the first "community" of Asperger's experienced people I have come across.  I think the world I've been living in until now, filled with the people who only hear about Asperger's for the first time when I talk about it, is the one for me.

I was clearly wrong to think there would be any communication here.

I wish you well.  You clearly need all the support you can give eachother.  But please try not to be so critical of eachother, because it is clear that eachother is all you have.

Good luck!

Oh dear - another "Goodbye for ever!" email.
Alison