So, I am a polyamorist. Which means I think that the notion of monogamous romantic love is a fallacy, to some degree a lie arising from personal insecurities.

As a teen, I could not wrap my head around the notion of monogamy. Basically, I knew as a hormonal guy that even in a monogamous relationship, I still always desired other females. Male humans are no more monogamous by nature than a stallion.

So, I basically understood monogamy to be a demand, something insisted upon by my significant other. I puzzled over the rationale for this. I understood some practical concerns -- not wanting you to bring home a disease or get some one else pregnant. Yes, good points, but ultimately addressable (condom, for example, or restricting sex play outside of the relationship to petting, no intercourse, etc.)

Ultimately, I came to believe -- and still believe -- the root cause is insecurity. The fear that if your lover has other lovers, they may one day find another who is better in bed and steals them away.

My problem with this rationale is that it implies true romantic love is so petty it turns on who is better in the sack. I think you do not love some one because they know how to screw. I think real love is far deeper, based on shared core values, respect, intimate personal knowledge of one another, respect for boundaries, total trust and acceptance, etc. If I were to have a lover outside of my current relationship, and that lover did things my current lover did not do, that blew my mind, I would not consider leaving my lover, I'd just TELL HER what the other person did, so she could do it, too. Is that so hard?

Ultimately, it is the ego full of insecurity that clings to the notion of monogamy as a shield against risk of loss, which to me admits the connection is not all that strong to begin with. I feel we live in a society where most couples do NOT fully connect at a level of deep intimacy and unconditional love, and they compensate for the shallowness of their connection by seeking the safety of monogamy as not stirring up or bringing attention to the shallowness of their love.

Another problem I had is the selfish aspect. As we know, men desire women apart from the S.O. when in a relationship. There is a fundamental craving for variety. If you truly love some one, you are supposed to want them to be happy. So what does it say if my S.O. wants to deny me this happiness of having a variety of lovers?

Now, I do not want to come off like a hypocrite. If my lover wanted to have variety, too, I'd be down with that. I do have a problem that women seem to have a fundamental problem divorcing sex from emotion. Meaning a woman having a male lover is inclined to fall in love with him. Period. Not always, but commonly. Which raises a concern for the stability of the current relationship. How to avoid this problem while still letting both partners experience variety?

Well, I had thought a good notion was to marry a bisexual female who wanted one male lover but a variety of female lovers to add spice / variety. Then we would have each other as lovers, and could now and then bring in an additional female lover to spice things up, without feeling like I was taking a new lover rather than her. There's be a certain balance to it. We might even fall in love with a female and become a triad. Who knows?

In all honesty, I know I can love more than one woman at a time, because I've done it most of my life. I'm not sure I ever fell out of love with any of my ex-es, I just put those feelings on the backburner and focus on my current S.O. But the feelings are still there to some degree. There is something dishonest in trying to put on the mask / embrace the lie that I only have eyes for my current S.O. I love her dearly, and most of the time she is all I care for. But now and then I do crave more, and to deny that is a form of dishonesty, which makes me feel dirty.

Now, the vast majority of people in society, particularly women, still cling to the notion that monogamous love is a higher state, to be sought after. However, I have taken a number of tantra classes, sex-positive workshops, etc., and have found there is a subculture of polyamory where men and women rise above their insecurities and accept their power to love more than one person at a time. I think this may be the start of a natural trend that will be more prevalent in coming decades, particularly among the AS community, where I think people's need for logic and sense and honesty will force them to rise above insecurity-based dishonesties.

Or maybe I'm just a horny dude trying to sell himself on a pipe dream who needs to mature more. It has occured to me. I don't have all the answers, but I try to be honest about the questions that occur to me, and what my current best theory may be, right or wrong.

I'm curious to hear if other aspies (particularly women) have any sense that attitudes toward monogamous love is different for AS than NT people.

~Ken the Aspie Lawyer

I'm in several non-monogamous relationships.

It's hard work, and sometimes keeping everybody informed about what's going on is a pain, but it works just fine for me.

Yup, it's just work, work, work.

That's something I feel is true - and it's part of why communication is so vital.

I like making people happy. I'm very good at this particular flavour of happy. It suits all parties involved just fine.

This sounds like one perspective.
I am one person person and it is nothing to do with insecurities or sexual performance or being a stallion or not or any of the other things you alluded to.
Me? I see things as filter. Of all the things that attracts you and looking to fine tune that down. My main motivation? Intimacy and then I guess someone who I feel most strongly connected to. Does sex rate? Sure, but not about these aspects (and no intimacy is not necessarily sex).
I would want to connect in that person on a complete and focussed level, whereby other interests or other's personal charms or whatever do not come on the radar. i would want that commitment my way too.
That is how it is with my girl. If she said that she was not interested in things to remain this way and explore other relationships, then I will wish her well and on her way.

I think the statement "people are only monogamous because they're insecure in their relationship" is exactly equal to the statement "polyamorous people just like to sleep around".

it seems to me that a persons prefered relationship structure is just another part of their sexuality. some people want to be with men, some with women, either gender or no one, some enjoy casual sex, some would be phsycologically damaged by casual sex, some are capable of meaningful romantic relationships with lots of people at the same time, or can have sex outside their romantic relationship, or really only can love one person at a time.

so while polyamory might be right for you, it doesn't make it a better, more honest or "higher" form of love.

Hm. I suppose in the context I quoted it from, I did say that - but that doesn't reflect what I believe.

Different relationships fit different people better. Different people have different needs, sexually and romantically.

As members of capitalist societies, we are taught that women are property and that to desire more is "correct."  If you look at polyamorous societies in real life, the vast majority of them are polygynous and polyamory is not actually common practice, but a perk of being in the ruling class.  In our own society it's reflected by the double standard: a man who sleeps around is a stud, while a woman who sleeps around is a dirty ***.  This is because it challenges who owns whom; a woman who sleeps around is bad because she is difficult to own.  But a man who sleeps around must be rich.  

I am aware that there are people who honestly and fairly practice free love, but listening in on the justifications and outrage expressed over the same sort of behavior, though by different sexes, the free love people seem to be dwarfed in volume by the stalwart capitalists.

I think I'm monogamous because I have other interests. Which sometimes make it even difficult to compromise with my wife.

sorry, that was meant to be directed at the OP. I should probably have made that clearer. I'm actually much more poly-friendly than my post might have implied (I know real, emotional honesty is important in any relationship, I have polyamorous friends and I'd even consider a poly relationship).

we clearly agree on the point I was trying to make. I hope I haven't been too offensive...

No offence taken whatsoever - I thought I should clarify what I meant.

I've been in a monogamous relationship since 1986.  I really don't think it's a lie due to any personal insecurities, since I wasn't aware I had any!  It very much depends on personal choice, I believe.  If I wasn't happy with my husband, I wouldn't still be married to him.
Alison

Nor do I. What you say seems to strike me as both honest and sensible, as well as completely rational.

My major concern would be that, if my wife took a lover, that she would develop romantic feelings for him and I'd end up either a single dad or, more likely, seeing my kids every 2nd weekend. Similar to the OP I guess.

Yes, men to varying degrees do seem to be programmed to be non-monogamous. And women tend to be programmed to want a monogamous partner. Most guys I have known who like to copulate with multiple women are also the most prone to extreme jealousy and distrust of their partner.

Polyamory is not a new trend, wife-swapping and "free love" we're probably more popular in the 60s and 70s with the sexual revolution and all that. If anything we have swung back towards being more conservative societies - at least that is my impression.

This post was last modified: 11-11-2012 09:35 PM by 142857.

I assure you, that is not the case universally. Case in point, I spent a couple of hours today talking with a mutual friend of one of the people I have sex with - who also has sex with that person. I am familiar with the majority of the people they sleep with, and friendly with most of them; They're all really cool, laid back people.

I'm not really talking about people who practice true polyamory - because I don't know anyone who does.

I don't really consider what we do to be true poly. Though I think I know what you mean.