Hi all

My 12 year old may or may not be on the spectrum, but I am and I am really struggling with some homework issues that he is having, as I was a rampant over-achiever as a child so his troubles seem very alien to me. I've posted about it on my blog (http://ow.ly/eVMPA). It's a bit long so I wasn't sure about posting it here.

Any thoughts, comments, tips, outbursts, etc. would be greatly welcome, whether here or on the blog. I'm feeling pretty lost.

cheers
aspiehepcat

Your 12-year-old sounds very much like me at school. In my case I believe that ADD, executive dysfunction, depression and a dysfunctional family environment were to blame - in about that order. I did well in school regardless but I was lost once I got into higher education (university).

My son is 7 years old and homework is difficult. His lack of focus and his executive function mean that my wife or I need to sit with him and make sure that he follows all the steps. I believe that he is very smart but I know that we have challenges ahead.

So yes, I can relate.

Thanks - there really does seem to be an executive dysfunction part to it. I hadn't thought of that.

We have been trying to implement a routine of 40 minutes of work followed by 10-15 minutes of break, whether that means running around, jumping on the trampoline...so long as it's something physical and fun that he initiates. We're also sitting down with and helping him write a list of tasks for the 40 minute session, based on the work he has due. It's OK if a task takes more than one 40 minute session as well - it's just to help him learn how to break things down, prioritise and plan his time. So I guess we have been thinking about it, but the words 'executive dysfunction' hadn't occurred to me. That probably seems a bit weird, but honestly we've just been flat out trying to get our heads around this. So thanks again for the tip and insight!

I really hope our guidance helps. I might take him to see someone in my psychologist's rooms if she thinks there's someone who could provide some useful input or advice.

It also sounds like you're taking a good approach with your little guy.

You too, aspiehepcat! But you'll need to keep at it for quite a few years, unlike other parents. That's just the way it is - after all we do want our kids to be fulfil their potential, so that's the price we parents pay...

Oh yes, if he has ADHD, medication may help tremendously - in which case it would be worth talking to a psych.  So maybe that should be checked out if you have no diagnosis as yet.

The current trend in public education is to have a policy to giving homework.  You might ask what these kids are doing in school for five hours or more per day.   Most of it is not learning.  (I am pro homeschooling).  The homework is supposed to "train" children into being compliant workers for future slave bureaucracies.  

Or some might agree that the homework is to practice what is being taught during the classroom time.  

1.  study time should be the same every day and same duration.  So if they bring home 20 minutes  worth of homework and study time is 30 minutes per day then they need to do 20 minutes of homework and ten minutes of some other quiet or enriching work (reading, colouring, puzzles, educational games).

2.  you as a parent are in charge of homework so if there is too much then stop.  You might write a note to the teacher about why it was completed.  It is better that it is completed well rather than rushed through and done poorly.

3.  is the child actually learning the skills?  You might have to review and make sure they have the basics learned.  A kid who can not add two digit numbers together correctly is going to have difficulty adding three digits numbers.

4.  You might have to add a motivator to the cause.  Some kids just enjoy learning what they are interested in.  You might have to relate the subject to something he loves.  Some people use rewards such as getting a treat at the end of the week for doing chores as well as homework.  Use a chart if the child is capable but really you have to restrict gifts, treats and tv is you are doing to use this because it might not motivate them. (they have so many toys that another one is really nothing to work towards).  

5.  You have to set what the standards are and tell the kids that is what you expect.  Let them try to have some freedom every so often to surprise you with how responsible they can be.  Sometimes you have to stop nagging.

Homework can also be a way to get children into the habit of self study - which is critical to success in higher education.

I never learned self study. It would have been a useful habit/skill.

PMed you

Hi M

Thanks so much for the reply.

I have to admit I do wonder about the utility of this homework. One of the tasks was so broad and vague that a friend of ours, who is a leading world expert in the field, couldn't summarise a possible response in bullet points in under 3 pages, when the kids have been given a 4 page limit. I have no idea how they are meant to tackle such enormous and nebulous tasks - here kid, summarise the history of the western world in a page...don't let the internet distract you , and no plagiarising. That's not the actual task he was given, but when I first read one of his tasks and thought about being 12 and trying to tackle it, I felt dizzy.

There is no way I would have been anything other than completely overwhelmed by the existence of the internet as a child - enter a search term, get 100,000,000 results. Now sort out the relevant information and write it up in four pages... Shoot me now. Please.

We are definitely trying to structure his time and are operating on a 40/10 cycle, with the 10 minutes being physical exercise as he stores tension physically and has to shake himself out. It seems to be helping so far.

We are going to have a meeting with some of the school staff - the school seems pretty disorganised and dismissive. One of the assignments was late as it was handed out just before term break when our son had another school commitment, with the expectation that the kids would do the assignment during the holidays. Huh??? HOLIDAYS, people. We spend most of our holidays on a working family farm, and there is no time for major school work and why should there be?? Holidays, people!!! Sorry to be ranting, but what on earth makes this people think kids don't have or need time away from school?

His main issue seems to be executive functioning - time management, breaking down tasks and prioritising. I also think the ridiculous scope and vagueness of the tasks really doesn't help.

Thankfully my partner is great at making their work relevant - he went to a Steiner school and has an amazing ability to translate concepts into images, stories or even songs, and to apply or illustrate them in the kids' daily lives. It really helps.

LOL. Our issue seems to have been the other way around - we were giving him some freedom in the hope he would self-regulate and take responsibility, but he wasn't. It was mainly triggered by anxiety about failing - he was so scared by the prospect that he was getting stuck and unable to even start projects. He also admitted though that he has been feeling too proud to admit he has been procrastinating or doing the wrong thing - he very much wants to feel he is succeeding and doing right.

We have worked hard on explaining that we would much, much rather hear about what is going wrong than have him falling apart in silence, and that there is nothing he can tell us that will shock or dismay us (honestly, check my blog, there's not much that would make me blush). He seems to understand, but his internal sense of drive and the pretty high expectations he has of himself seem to be tripping him up a bit.

We're making headway, though. Today he realised that he is a visual thinker, and that songs also help him understand things, but that lists of instructions really don't help him. That's great, as my partner is visual and musical, so can help with translating and explaining things. Small steps, but steps.

I will talk to my psychologist this week and see if we can look at other strategies or insights.

It's a challenging business, this parenting caper.

I agree. This is why we are so keen to help him. I really want him to be able to direct his own learning, regardless of what he decides to do later in life. He clearly has innate talent - I just don't want his spark and drive to be killed by drudge or nonsensical tasks, or by some emerging internal sense of failure.

We're taking our 12 year old for a whole bunch of testing on Dec 6th - my psychologist thinks there are aspects of ASD, executive dysfunction and possibly some ADD, so wants to test him to find out which bits of what. I'll let you all know what we find out...