I wasn't sure which forum to put this question in, but -

I don't think I've ever had any instinctive sense of privacy about nudity or sexual things, either talking about them or doing them. When I was a little kid I did take the taboos about this really seriously, but only because they were easy to obey. I thought that what people weren't talking about, they weren't thinking about either. Ever since I've been old enough to have sexual thoughts myself, and accepted that they were healthy, nothing sex-related is embarrassing for me, but I'm hyper-cautious about censoring myself because I'm worried that I'll offend other people.

Are there other aspies/autistics like this? Or has anyone heard of non-autistics who are like this?

This post was last modified: 09-09-2012 06:53 AM by d_olson27.

Adding an adult tag to the title.

I've known a few people like this - most appeared to be NT. I worked at a company in Essex, England, where one of the secretaries would walk around complaining about being sore from all the shagging she had done on the weekend.

Bipolar disorder can lead to an almost complete lack of inhibition at times.

I think there are plenty of ppl like this in the UK, compared with the US, for example. Where do you live? I am similar but have a very strong public/private divide in my life. So, once I am in private mode, I am fairly unshockable, within the limits of safe, sane/legal and consensual, but in public mode, I'd rather people just stayed off the topic. I don't like to hug, because it feels like private mode, and confuses me about which mode I'm in, which is particularly difficult if I'm even somewhat attracted to the person I'm hugging. The only exception to this is mum mode, which is a subcategory of public mode. I am in mum mode around my kid and, rarely, ppl I am being maternal towards. In private, my (Aspie) hubbie is very uninhibited about sexuality - especially talking about it and imagining it - but he is quite conservative about privacy in public - he doesn't like anything remotely private being spoken about, even when there isn't anyone close by to hear. Did you ever read a book called the Ethical *** - my friend lent me a copy. It's about polyamory'n'stuff...

PS wow can't believe the forum won't let me post the book's name. the stars represent an S, an L, a U and a T.

This post was last modified: 09-10-2012 12:00 PM by 'ernameisrururu.

As a female with a really high sex drive, I have to be cautious about what I reveal to people. It's gotten me into awkward situations before.

Well, you were in Essex.

Sometimes my curosity gets the best of me, especially when it comes to sexual things. Maybe there is a reason why I am still a virgin who over-eats to make himself not approachable.

I always feel a person's sexuality is up to them, I don't particularly want to hear about what they get up to in their personal life.  I mean, apart from a few individuals, genitals really only come in a choice of two versions, and there's not that much variation on the basic theme.  I've also known colleagues at work who'd brag about their sexual exploits, all of them NT.  The odd one or two might contain something new, but they were mostly a terrible bore!  Sometimes if was rather like listening to how somebody would assemble IKEA: "And then A goes into B, but only after C is twisted to a 90 degree angle..."

Most of us have done it at least once, we know where it all goes, some of us are quite proficient at it, but really there's no need to brag about it.  
Alison

This post was last modified: 09-11-2012 12:56 AM by Alison.

The braggarts are probably stretching the truth

I've lived in Central America and the US.

That's just the thing, I don't make any public/private divide. Not with anything, really, it's just sex is the only thing people care which side it's on strongly enough to be a serious inconvenience.

Don't think I'd heard of it before, but I Googled it and it looks to be of interest. I've heard only a little about polyamory. Probably it isn't directly relevant to me, since my impression is it's mostly about relationships, whereas I'm not too interested in close relationships, and so far as I do want them, I don't associate them with sex and sexual attraction.

I always feel a person's sexuality is up to them, I don't particularly want to hear about what they get up to in their personal life.  I mean, apart from a few individuals, genitals really only come in a choice of two versions, and there's not that much variation on the basic theme.  I've also known colleagues at work who'd brag about their sexual exploits, all of them NT.  The odd one or two might contain something new, but they were mostly a terrible bore!  Sometimes if was rather like listening to how somebody would assemble IKEA: "And then A goes into B, but only after C is twisted to a 90 degree angle..."

Most of us have done it at least once, we know where it all goes, some of us are quite proficient at it, but really there's no need to brag about it.  
Alison

I've never actually met the braggarts, but I don't really get them either. It's one thing for it to be public, it's another for it to be a status symbol.

Do you think the problem might be that you simply don't understand, or perhaps can't accept, the social rules about public vs. private, and it is more pronounced when it comes to taboo topics like sex?  I'm not sure it is a strictly sexual problem.  Just a thought.  

Sometimes I make simple rules for myself, such as:  you don't talk about or perform sexually suggestive things in public, but in private you can do as you please.  I think it is silly that adjusting one's bra strap in public is inappropriate, but it falls within the rule, so I excuse myself to the restroom.  Does that make sense?

I was thinking the same and Mr How said it himself in answering my post. My private-public stuff is definitely imposed on me from a set of behavioural rules that has to be constantly updated and maintained. If something blurs the boundaries, I find it upsetting because the system lacks flexibility, which NTs seem to have more of, speaking v. generally. This suggests to me that it's not natural to me, but learned and effortful to maintain. I think if NTs have built-in wiring that links emotional well-being to maintaining social acceptability, they would mean they can also be very inappropriate if they feel emotionally OK (ie safe and happy and among friends), which might explain the Essex girl syndrome of bragging about shagging? For me, behaving appropriately has little to do with feeling emotionally OK; it's a negative reinforcement. "If I get it wrong, it will be bad." I want to avoid public shaming at all costs.

Sounds like you nailed it then. So to speak... Guess it's just up to you now whether you want to run an emulator that filters your behaviour in certain situations so as to bring you what you want, be it employment, improved social status, relationship, or whatever that may be...because your own shame or embarrassment isn't going to do the job for you. Perhaps Aspies either have no shame, or way too much. Shame is more finely tuned as a limiting factor to NTs, perhaps...Not sure if that works elsewhere on the spectrum.

This post was last modified: 09-13-2012 10:16 AM by ernamenameisrururu.

Oooh, I get it!  Is that why some people can be a bit more inappropriate, and it seems like everyone accepts it?  Oh that is interesting.  I'll have to remember that.  Girls in college were like that, and I couldn't understand it at all.

Yes, I am questioning whether this is a specifically sexual thing or not, which is one reason why I brought it up in an Asperger's forum and not one about sexuality. I've been used to assuming it was, because there are other differences in my attitude toward sex from most people's. At least, I don't associate it with relationships, or with bragging like the people Alison mentioned. Until recently I lumped everything together as "ways people get emotional about sex," but now I'm trying to figure out which ones are actually related to each other.

I guess this does have to do with shame. I feel ashamed when people see me fail to do what I was trying to do or what I thought was right. I don't think there's anything I'm happy with in private and willing to talk about with people I'm close to, but ashamed to mention around strangers. But sex- and nudity-related things are the only ones I can think of that you're expected to make a private/public distinction for.

I cannot participate in making sex jokes, sexual compliments, sexual suggestions, or sexual sarcasm..., etc, because I tend to take it too far and not know when it gets inappropriate (such as calling my boss sexy, turning everything into a sexual allusion, and grabbing my crotch at inopportune moments). I used to hang around an LGBT crowd who were very open and somewhat preoccupied with sexuality--and as I attempted to imitate their behavior I don't think I ever figured out where other ppl (outside of that crowd) drew the line.

On the other hand, the side effect of hanging out with a modesty-focused religious crowd resulted in me unable to look at the opposite sex too much, and it took me awhile to realize that just because someone talks about sex or kissing doesn't mean they are sluts.

I just...can't....use....any...one...group as a role model on how to act. Too much diversity... gotta plough my own way