On vacation, am a bit weepy which I never am. I'm discouraged burdened and now know why I began self injuring in the first place. Born out of my own hurt years of bullying at the hands of my peers, oh and humanitarian mission trip to China at age 17, lovely children awful oppression, a chest soufficating oppression, an all consuming ache.
Words in any language don't describe it nor do it justice, the cry of humans in suffering the degree of it awful and yet in the midst of that I found hope the two so intertwined that it was difficult to distinguish between the two because words didn't come to mind all before I hit 20. My heart is at its pre-deadened state again, and the tears are flowing, I'm attempting to poorly stop up what is coming out now almost 29 in September.
No outlet but my tear ducts and I want to sob for hours on end but find that I cannot. I'm discouraged and yet heartened strange isn't it? What the world calls wisdom is actually foolishness. I'm broken, I'm human and also a Christian a Christ follower clinging to Him despite what might be said for words singled at my person is not as bad as fellow brothers and sisters in Iran who are persecuted, killed raped tortured for there faith in Christ and abandoning Islam.
I know of those that of the Islamic faith that do not kill others, then I see the history I dig into the ancient history of the 3,000 year old religion that began with Ishmael which is interesting to note because in Aramaic the name means 'God heeds' The God of Aberham, Issac, Jacob the root of Jessie the God that I serve the world wide family I've been grafted into. God heeds the cries of the desperate of the oppressed. I find the connection to there ansester's name not by accident. For though they die for there faith, are imprisoned for it; they are indeed free.
What have I to fear or be shamed for when others so shamelessly say what they stand for. I stand for what is right, what is just what is pure. Above all I stand for Christ, I'd die for my Lord and lay aside my own well-being for a fellow brother and sister in the faith or someone who was not in the faith regardless of the continent they reside on.
That is worth fighting, and being killed for. No longer do I want to cut my arms nor off myself because life is precious every life is. My life means something just as those being offed believing in a loving God. Where there is hate, fear every manner of confusion, there is also grace in just as much abundance. One just needs the eyes to see.