I have been with my partner for 22 yrs and didn't know about ny AS until a couple of yrs ago.

One problem we have consistently had is I don't know how to comfort her /look after her when I've done /said something to upset or anger her. We clear it up eventually but it takes a long time, and it makes me feel gloomy and bad that I can't do what she needs me to do. I feel frustrated with my aspie emotional limitations and sometimes (less often now that I understand them more) have a mini meltdown myself, when I should be helping her to feel better.

This is not going to be solved with one thread on AFF, but I wondered if any members in relationships have any experience similar to this, or advice.

It's a long shot I know. I used to worry that it was such a fundamental problem that it would cause us to break up. After 22 yrs, I'm confident that won't happen, but it's still a problem.

I struggle with this sort of thing as well (I've been together with my wife for almost 9 years now).

Whenever my wife gets upset with me and stops talking to me for several days I feel like "this time it won't get better, this time she will leave me and never come back". I feel like there is this kind of "black wall" emotionally between us when she gets upset with me.

I have 2 tactics. One is logic. Try to open channels of discussion - what did I do wrong, what should I have done, how can we make it better next time. Or when she tries to shut me out completely, just to say "why are you acting like this? is this the sort of family you want, the sort of family you want our children to grow up in? I love you". In the most gentle tone possible.

The other method is attrition - just to say "I want to talk about (whatever), but you obviously don't, so let me know when you are ready to talk". Then just wait as long as it takes for her to get over it.

97% of the time I feel like our relationship is very good - better than most couples I know. My wife is more "male-brained" than I am, and always positive/upbeat/friendly/sociable, the sort of person that people want to be friends with, the pivotal member of any social group that she is involved in.

I think it helps that she is from a different culture, where there are very low expectations of the man's contribution to a relationship. Her family were always amazed that I would do things like cook, or look after the babies when she was off doing social stuff.

I'm in a similar situation to 142857.  I've been married to an NT male for the past 27 years, and although I know we're soul mates, and we've had a really remarkably amicable marriage, there have been times when misunderstandings cause bad feelings.  And like 142857, I deal with it by asking my husband what's wrong, and what I can do to mend the problem (whatever it is.)  And in return he will tell me if there is something that he's angry at me about, or if it's something else that's upsetting him.  I really think communication is the only way to deal with this.  Keep it non-accusatory, since I've seen over the years how NTs go into attack mode quite easily and drag up any old grievance, piling it all on top of you until you go into melt-down.  I'd suggest that you show her this comment (not when she's upset with you!) and just ask her thoughts on it, because you really want to make her happy.  Let her know how much you value and love her, that she's your best friend and you'd be lost without her.  Sometimes that gets lost in translation when an Aspie/NT interact, they need a lot of reassurance.

Good luck!
Alison

This post was last modified: 07-28-2012 03:54 PM by Alison.

Thanks for your thoughts. She sometimes gets too angry to talk, but only for an hour at the most. We can usually talk about the problem, but she is still upset and requiring care. She can even tell me what to say, but it just doesn't come naturally and feels fake to me. If I talk in terms of logic, this tends to just annoy her more. I'm trying to find some way to help her feel better in a way that is meaningful to me that will be sincere. I can say sorry 10 times, but that's not what she wants/needs. It feels like she is challenging me to do something she knows I can't do, or find some other way of doing it - hence my post.

"Let her know how much you value and love her, that she's your best friend and you'd be lost without her.  Sometimes that gets lost in translation when an Aspie/NT interact, they need a lot of reassurance."

This is helpful.

From your description, I can see not much differenc to MY aspie/autie marriage. It's been significantly better, though, since we both had (and understood) our Dxs (one official, one self-dx'ed).
If she likes reading, perhaps she might like a book written by an Aspies' NT partner; Ashley Stanford's (only one title) might be good.

Thanks Shnoing _ I've been a bit wary of these kinds of books in the past as our relationship is 'unconventional', but I've ordered it, and the Maxine Aston couples workbook too.

Is it so horrible that as I am reading this I am thinking-- "but usually I am trying to calm myself down (avoid meltdown), I never thought of calming her down".... :/

I am seriously drawing a blank... its always- she gets upset, I have no idea why, so I get upset because I don't understand why she is upset, and now I am trying to calm down, and once I do, problem solved.

wtf, i feel so self-centered right now.

Also, I've never been married and I am only 23.

This post was last modified: 07-30-2012 06:16 AM by sg1008.

I'm 24 and I've never been married. I don't really see the use for it as I can't stand the though of having someone around me 24/7 for the rest of my life :/ Yet again I'm very immature...

Hello, Just joined here after seeing this thread (been lurking for a while).
I am an NT woman (ok, possibly ADD) married to a man for 14yrs whom I am 99.9% sure is AS, my daughter is AS, 13yrs old.

Anyway, I have been accused of pulling in all kinds of "irrelevant" material into arguments. Some of which could be construed as old grievances I suppose. It may be that the person is angry and just is letting it all fly but here is another possibility...they are trying to get you to see a general theme of behavior by trotting out examples of behavior that exemplify that general theme in hopes that you will see the big picture on the issue. And then, maybe, be able to generalize the type of thing that perhaps is causing an argument that they are tired of having over and over again - even though the particulars of a given situation may vary. This can be very very tiring - and for me are the sorts of arguments that I am inclined to stew over - because I can't seem get my point across and get weary of trying to explain over and over. Frustration breeds anger on both side and unresolved issues resurface over and over.

So, if this happens to you - I would recommend recommend writing a list (or ask the partner to do so) of all the "old grievances" brought up in a particular argument and see if there is a theme that the person is trying to make you understand. I frequently see with my husband that he has a hard time "seeing the forest for the trees".

I can give an example if that helps anyone.

I remember these chasms in my first marriage.  It is very frustrating and exaughsting.  In hindsight, I chalk up some of this to me being Aspie and she being NT.  I like peace and harmony.  When my significant other makes me feel like dirt; well its a terrible feeling.  It's more frustrating trying to reason and rationalize and get nowhere.  I guess it's logic versus emotion.  Filipino tampo in conjunction with an Asperger partner is probably a volatile mix (the Aspie partner being regarded as "makolit").

I now beleive that in most Aspie-NT marriages there will be acute differences; especially if the Aspie partner is undiagnosed; and even if diagnosed, the NT partner can't tolerate or live with the Aspie partner's Aspie mannerisms.  It's demoralizing but it's reality.  It's great if there can be a unique kind of connection and bond between an Aspie and his/her partner.  I beleive there are a few such unions.

What does she say is helpful? Maybe if you give examples we can give you ideas for actions/words that convey the message in a way that fits your style better.

I, personally, am impatient with emotional sentiments and would prefer to get some concession that my point of view is worthy of respect ie. that just because he doesn't care about all the same things that I do, that doesn't mean my feelings "make no sense" or are otherwise stupid or ridiculous. This is called validation and is NOT the same thing as saying that I'm all right and you're all wrong. I was told by a counselor (whom I went to see because he was driving me crazy) that he may feel that way in an argument, that by admitting that I had any valid point/feeling whatsoever was like admitting that I'm all right and he's all wrong due to black and white thinking.

I think a good read would be "An Asperger Marriage" by Christopher and Giselle Slater-Walker.  The authors are an Aspie-male--NT-female couple.  Neither knew that Christopher had Asperger Syndrome until diagnosis quite sometime into the marriage.  Through differences and misunderstandings, the couple had been through some very rough periods.  In his marriage; and throughout life in general, Christopher always felt like he was trying to pretend he was somebody else just trying to "fit in" and be positively regarded, but didn't quite understand why, no matter what, he was always "different".  Giselle experienced the same kinds of exaugsting frustrations that probably most NT women hitched to Aspie men experience.  Fortunately they were able to come to some mutual coping after it was revealed it was Asperger Syndrome that made Christopher "different".

In my case (recent revelation) I didn't consider them feelings when they "made no sense", I considered it some sort of misunderstanding or strange judgment so I reacted to it as such. I didn't realize they were actually meant to be feelings.

To know if they are feeling something I need it to be said:
I feel sad.

If it starts out, "I feel sad" and is followed by "...because you XYZFJKQ", then I respond to the XYZFJKQ thinking that it will fix the sadness, but then they think I am not letting them express themselves... obviously the XYZFJKQ is not what they meant, they meant that they were sad. So why include the XYZFJKQ? I don't get it...it confuses me.

Sometimes they don't even include the "I feel sad" part, they just say XYZFJKQ, and then next thing I know I am accused of not listening, or caring, or what not.

One of the automatic reactions I used to get accused of was trying to fix my husband's problem when it wasn't something I'd done wrong, when all he really wanted was for me just to listen and perhaps give a hug to make him feel better after a bad day at work, for instance.  Sometimes it's enough just to listen.  

One thing I do get respect about is my loyalty.  If you have an Aspie partner, you've got a life-long friend.

Alison