M and Alison: thanks, that really helps. If not for now, certainly for the future! M, you're absolutely right. I wanted him to come up with something heartfelt and appropriate, but it had to be MY appropriate, not his. That was wrong. Next time something comes up I'll be better prepared to teach him what is socially acceoptable.

Now they're all back to playing again, but I don't mind that. I think it does the kids good to be out there whenever they can. They've got enough grown-ups to talk to if they have to.

As for bullying: I just had an interesting conversation with my son about that. He told me it had been a fine day except for the bullying. Of course I asked him for details. Het then told me that he and another boy had quarrelled about some aspect of the game they were playing, then another one came along and sided with my son, a third one sided with the other boy, and then they decided they were wasting valuable playing time, stopped quarrelling and went back to playing. I told my son that was nothing to do with bullying. Everybody quarrels sometimes and they solved it beautifully. He then looked at the whole thing quite differently.

On the other hand, he sometimes maintains that someone is his friend when I know this person isn't friendly at all. I don't know if that is directly to do with ASD, as my NT daughters all went through a phase like that. But they did seem to catch on more quickly.

LOL and
In my case, it'd be Binya or Barellan, Australia!
Alison

I should find that family friend thats Australian... I don't know what shes up to anyways.

Well these "experts" are studying us, so they can easily ask us about their newest theories, but I guess they prefer their silly assumptions to fraternizing with their research subjects. They probably worry that they'd be guilty of anthropomorphizing or something.

And, we aspies are everywhere, have infiltrated every profession and probably every neighborhood. They can ask, I'll answer - but they can buy their own damn tickets!

This post was last modified: 06-12-2012 03:18 AM by awiddershinlife.

Hey, they aren't  truly friends if the boy can't empathize with the other boy. Don't make him fake anything. If I was the other boy, I'd actually hate people faking or lying to me if I was upset (or if I was not).

Actually my son did feel really sorry for his friend. It was just a matter of expression and the right time and place.

Writing a card is good for Aspies or for shy people like me, who always need to think before they speak (a lost art nowadays). You can write down your true feelings, and then act normally when you see the person again. Acting normally in the case of these boys means saying "hey, you're ugly!"  "You too!" and then they're in stitches together. Nine year old boys have a weird and wonderful subculture...

Exactly!

I rarely know what to say at funerals etc. Part of it is because I hate when people say "I'm sorry for your loss" to me when someone I love has just died. It's a meaningless phrase they haven't thought about in a situation where someone really important has gone from the world. It's to make them comfortable I guess.

I attended the funeral of a former colleague recently. Lovely woman. Exceptionally kind and full of fun and mischief. Bowel cancer ended her life prematurely.

Her family were standing shaking everyone's hands as we left the church. I told her husband that she was an awesome woman and everyone loved her. (Meaning everyone at work). I guess I was just acknowledging what a special person she was. He seemed to appreciate it.

The man who took the milk money at my grade school died when I was 6.  My father took me to the funeral and answered all of my questions.  It was perhaps one of the most influential lessons of my life.

I didn't understand about death.  But I heard his answers, saw the man in the coffin, and got straight answers to a lot of the basic practicalities.  And as I grew, the info that I got had a structure into which to fit.

So, yes, I'd advise attending the funeral, especially if you can keep him and his questions away from the grieving NT's.

As for the computer game, I think you need to see what the other boy's responses are.  Does he feel bugged?

As for empathy, I'm still working on that one.  The best substitute for times like these for me as been Miss Manners.  She tells you exactly what to say, "I'm sorry for your loss", exactly why those are the right things to say, and the general etiquette rules involved so that you have some chance of actually inferring the rules into new situations.  Plus, she's a clever and entertaining writer.

"I'm sorry for your loss" is what you say when you don't know what else to say.  It's a social convention that allows someone to acknowledge that another person is experiencing a loss.  That's all it is, really, an acknowledgment.  (And I'm far from an expert on validation...)

Whether it's for your benefit or theirs isn't really the point.  It's what we do, like saying "hello", or "good-bye", or "excuse me" or "I'm sorry", or stopping at red lights.  It's a social convention that helps us all get along a little better around each other without ramming into someone at an intersection a dozen times each day.  While it may not make the grieving person feel much better, it's at least marginally better than stammering, saying something accidentally hurtful, or ignoring the grieving person completely because we don't know what to say, isn't it?

If he's too mopy to play games then it isn't the right approach and he may lose that friend for a while.