Here's a story I've been working on for some time now. I have been developing it in my head, little by little, but I don't think I’ll ever get it published cause I'm not good at writing very much :/
The plot: This is a strongly symbolic story, using pseudo biblical names and nouns, and tells the story of Satan, (lucky) Lilith ( Thil-il) and God (The Great Toy Maker, Al-La). Also of Adam (Ma-Da) and pretty much all of Genesis, including the Apothecary omitted books (Well references any ways). So please tell me what you think of this short story and you can use it to tweak it a bit and publish it also. All I ask is that you at least give me a bit of credit, subtly or not. Thank you

Well here it is:  

Lucky the Elf: A Christian Story

There once was an elf, named Lucky, who worked in a magical toy shop.
A toy shop unlike no other's.
In this little ol shop, those funny little elves had a
special job, for the elves must watch over
all the toys that the Great Toy Maker created
and make sure these toys obeyed the Great Toy Maker.
For the Great Toy Maker made a special type of toy. A toy called Man.
The toy's were indeed special, cause they were loved above d everything else, by
the Great Toy Maker himself. This Great Toy Maker had a name, but only he
himself knew all 72 of his name, for the little guardian elves knew only 36 names
of the Great Toy Maker. But they just call him Al La.

Now for Lucky, he was The Great Toy Maker's favourite little elf, cause Lucky
was such a clever little elf and Al La's greatest choir teacher.
Lucky was also the most beautiful elf of all of Ne-Ve-aH and non of the other
elves could ever compare. Now of course Lucky couldn't possibly be the little
elves real name, no, it's the little guy's nickname giving by the other elves
cause they felt he was such a lucky little guy. If you must know, Lucky's real
name is Lou Seh pher. A name meaning beholder of the light, for Lucky's vast
knowledge alone could almost compare to the Al La's wisdom. But not so much.

Now the story I am about to tell takes place after the creation of these special
toy called man, a story of when poor little Lucky disobeyed the Great Toy Maker
And got thrown out of Ne-Ve-ah and became Al-La's greatest enemy.


Deep within the great valley of Ne-Ve-aH, after some time The Great Toy Maker
created his most beloved toy, lies a great garden. This Garden was an exclusive
place created by Al-La for his most precious toy, man. The Great Toy Maker decided
to name his creation, Ma-Da and told Ma-Da that he could name all the great
wonderful things in this special garden. So Ma-Da set upon naming all that he'd
seen around him and Al-La watched in great wonder, what names Ma-Da gave all the
flowers, trees, fruits, and animals. But something was wrong here. For Ma-Da,
Al-La noticed was indeed lonely. This saddened the Great Toy Maker very much for
he only wanted his special creation to be happy. Being the wise creator he was,
Al-La came up with a idea for the unhappy Ma-Da.

"Go and sleep my great creation for in the morning I have a special surprise for
you" Al-La told Ma-Da.
So Ma-Da went asleep that night and received a great surprise.
Another toy just like him!
"What wonders stand before me, oh Great Toy Maker!" Ma-Da exclaimed happily.
Ma-Da was indeed very happy that there was another toy just like him. But something
was different about it. It had a face just like his, but something was very
different about this new toy and Ma-Da couldn't put his finger on it.

Al-La, noticing this difference, explained that this new toy was indeed than
Ma-Da but it was to become his wife. His life partner.

"You see Ma-Da, this is a toy, just like you, but I created her just for you
for you were lonely and looked like you needed some help in ruling over this
special garden I have created just for you"

So Ma-Da and this new toy were joined together for life by the Great Toy Maker
and Al-La told Ma-Da that he should give this new toy a name as well.

"I know," said Ma-Da "I'll call her Thil-Il after the beautiful flower, Ilil."
But poor Thil-il didn't like how Ma-Da was the only one who could name her.
Didn't Thil-il get a say in this?

The Great Toy Maker, noticing Thil-il's displeasure at the fact that she didn't
have a say in her name asked her

"What displeases you Thil-il?, was not Ma-Da created first by me?, Did I not
appoint him over lord of this great and wondrous paradise?"

Thil-il didn't like the fact that Ma-Da was indeed the overlord over her
So she uttered a secret word that The Great Toy Maker planted in her heart and
she was gone, just like that.
For the secret word was Di-Vorce

The Great Toy Maker went swiftly to track Thil-il down, to try and talk some
sense into her, but Thil-il was greatly angered and told Al-La that she
would be a curse upon Ma-Da's future descendants and Al-La told Thil-il that
she was now an enemy of his and told her where she could find the perfect
husband for her, a disobedient little elf named Lou-seh-pher.

Now after being kicked out of Neh-Ve-ah for being disobedient, Lucky set forth
to wreck his vengeance upon the new toys called man.

What could Lucky have done to anger the Great Toy Maker? What could he have done
to anger such a peaceful and loving Toy Maker?

Well the answer to these questions take place a few days before, just shortly after
Al-La's greatest creation.

Well there it is people, pretty much my current writing skills. Please tell me what you guys think and help me out a bit :/ I just wrote the whole story in like an hour but the idea was floating around in my head for some time now. Thank you for reading

real nice writing

that would make a great religion

Sarcasm ?

just the "that would make a great religion"


nicely written!

This post was last modified: 05-29-2012 01:54 AM by skyblue1 .

I hope this sarcasm doesn't have anything to do with the posts I made on the religious topic a while back, cause the last thing I want to do is upset a pseudo group of a domineering Catholic like religion :/ I regret giving out my religious opinions cause it only causes me trouble

awe poopy, this thread is dead. Maybe a moderator could lock it for me so that it'll go to the grave yard lol

Great analogy! I'd also be pissed having to blindly obey or accept something... equality for all! What a god, sending someone to hell because they want to control their own destiny! My God is with me as I control my destiny...

Okay I get it, I'll stop posting in the creative writing section and focus on the computer and support sections instead

Okay I get it, I'll stop posting in the creative writing section and focus on the computer and support sections instead

You're fine. Threads in the creative writing section don't usually get as many responses anyway.

No I meant that I think Ana was being sarcastic. but I could never tell and I keep thinking people are being sarcastic when they use ! at the end of their sentences.

I think most people just use it for emphasis. A lot of times, you'll see when people are being sarcastic, but most of the time, you just have to pay attention to the content of their post and the context it's in.

definitely dont quit writing. For that was a nicely done piece

The problem is when I read someone else s work, like a novel, I easily get discouraged and intimidated so that's why I never published or finished some of my work. For example I'd reread Harry Potter and after reading a chapter I'd start on my own piece. but when I look it over or reread my piece, I start to have doubts and my work always end's up looking idiotic compare to J.K. Rowling's novel.