You fat, disgusting, lazy, diseased, underemployed, welfare maggot!

You live with your parents, you're hardly ever physically active, you sleep sixteen hours a day, and yet you consume as many calories as an Olympic swimmer in training!

You're always engaged in one form of passive entertainment or another, unless you're eating, sleeping, or taking a dump.

You're almost thirty years old and you still watch cartoons and play video games like an elementary school kid.

Your sense of taste is atrocious, and your sense of humor is inexplicable. I can't believe you actually find Family Guy, Two and a Half Men, and YouTube Poop amusing. That's, like, the lowest common denominator. But that's to be expected, because you live with your parents.

All of your clothes have set-in stains, and none of your clothes fit you all that well. You're a pathetic loser.

Why the hell do you want to spend so much on a brand new computer this Cyber Monday? It's not like you deserve a reward. It's not like you've actually achieved anything in the past fifteen years.

So you have a job now. Whoopie. Nine hours a week ain't all that much, especially at your age. Your older brother works full-time. He's married and he owns a house in the suburbs. He's the sole provider and does most of the housework because his wife has a physical (legitimate) disability. And he still has enough energy left over to run marathons on the weekends! Meanwhile, you're still living with your parents, you're a chronic ***********, and you're addicted to Dragon Quest IX. You are the stereotypical nerd. You can't deny it.

Don't give me that bull about your "disability." That's no excuse. You've convinced yourself that because you're so "emotionally and mentally unstable," all you can get is a pity offering from a company desperate to fulfill a diversity requirement. In reality, you're just another no-talent slob.

And speaking of talent, you want to use your new computer for what? To compose and produce music? That's impossible. You're tone-deaf and easily confused. What makes you think you can learn professional-grade audio applications on your own time? You flunked out of your local college's music technology program five years ago. Remember that?

Heck, you can't even master music the old-fashioned way, and learn instruments like everybody else, because you're clumsy and you lack the necessary manual dexterity. Your theoretical "band" will never be the next Nine Inch Nails, XTC, or Boards of Canada. Hell, it won't even be the next Brokencyde!

So why don't you run along, watch the new episode of 30 Rock, turn on your DS and hunt Metal King Slimes for three hours, ****, and then pass out? It's all you're good for these days. There needs to be a wiki devoted to how much you suck as a person.

*gasps for air for about ten seconds*

Hm. This was a fun little exercise, wouldn't you say?