Recently I was reading about dating advice for Asperger men at a particular site.  There was a sectiion about men who have spent thousands of dollars on social snake-oil stuff to get personality makeovers; or more specifically; to become alpha males and draw women to them.  I mean books, videos, etc. on how to change your personality, lean to say what girls like to hear, etc.  This sort of thing was advised against; and even moreso for Aspie men.  Moreso for Aspie men because if he tried to impress a woman with what he supposedly mastered trying to get her interested in him, it would still ever be so obvious (trying to fake body language nuances, etc.) and she'd only feel creeped out.

This post was last modified: 12-18-2011 11:56 PM by kevout2.

Well, I'm not talking about advice on how to be a chick or dude magnet but rather stuff like. "If you break up, calling the guy and hanging up is not the right thing to do" or, "If you a guy asks you if you'd like to come in and watch TV, more than likely he doesn't really want to watch TV".

This is a whole chapter in the birds and bee's that gets ignored, especially if you start dating late. All of the other, "how to be an alpha male" and "what not to say, so as not to run a guy a way" types of advice, in my opinion, is rubbish.

I am glad I was able to keep my observation in check when I was madly in love with my residence advisor (in college dorms, every floor has an older student who introduces freshman to college resources). Of course, RAs are not supposed to date their residents, nor pay choose favorites. I knew it wouldn't work, but I couldn't help wanting to see him all the time.

I still regret what I did every time I saw him. I just had to keep reminding him that I had Aspergers, in fear that he was going to see that I was in love with him. Nope, my AS explains all of my awkwardness that you see, all that intense stimming, no eye contact, and motor clumbsiness (when really I was so nervous that I couldn't even move without shaking). Oh and I even nicknamed him -606, explaining all that number-person association that I have. Really wanted to call him negative Six-o-Sixie, but yeah, that would have gotten me into a heap of trouble.

If I ever do run into him again, I want to apologize for it, without explicitly stating what happened. I am pretty sure now he has a bad impression on me, and aspergers, for that matter. Not that I care to be good friends with him. Sure he was nice, but it was because he was paid to be everyone's friend.

A girl once accused me of being a stalker though that would entail me following her places I would not normally be or violating her right to privacy. We developed a bit of a relationship and went to the movies a few times (with a supervisor) so when I saw her arround I would say hi and talk with her and then she just turned on me and told the school that I was stalking her but after I started ignoring her she started begging me to forgive her so I gave things another try but now its 100 percent over.

She sounds like a manipulator who was playing you like a fiddle; which involved blackmail and intimidation.  Whenever a relationship goes south, all previous sexual acts (whether outercourse or intercourse) can be twisted to be portrayed as assault, rape, etc., depending on the vindictiveness of the ex-partner.

Not so much a stalker as a (likely) incompetent suitor.

My family joined me here in Sydney on Xmas Eve, and on Boxing Day we were out shopping for a fridge and a washing machine and a microwave. The man helping us with our choice indicated my wife and said "she is a good one, where did you get her from?" (my wife is Indonesian). Turns out he was "shopping" online for a wife in South-East-Asia. I didn't think it was such a big deal, but my wife was dumbfounded by his complete lack of tact. I hope that he finds someone genuine and lives happily ever after but.... I had a bit of an extended chat with him while we were waiting for the cashier and his naivety and lack of social grace was pretty amazing, even to me.

I have recently started an affinity group on neurodiversity, but guess who are the regular members?  All girls, the complete opposite gender of the person that formed the organisation.  Some boys did sign up, but never attended the meetings.

With a situation like this, I may be accused as a stalker next year...

The guy you talked about sounds like me twenty years ago; at least in the sense of being naive.  I've always lacked social graces anyways in the sense of being awkward (such as the way I talk, "carry myself", etc.) and (when it comes to potential dates) coming across as a "nerd".  I thought I found my "niche" with Filipinas and; after establishing mail friendships of varying degrees; was certain that the partner for me was in the Philippines (and I had abandoned all other possible alternatives).  At the time I thought I had just learned and already knew so much about the culture; but looking back: I laugh at myself on how woefully, idealistically naive I was.

Why should this be a bad thing?  Reach out for more male members.  I'm sure potential male Aspie members are about as plentiful as stray cats.  This being a pro-neurodiversity environment, I should think might be a good opportunity for you and other men to meet members of the opposite sex who might be more accepting and privy to embrace our quirks which make us "different".

Since my wife is a Filipina, albeit with many relatives living next to me,  I might add my 2 cents worth.

There are no shades of grey with Filipinas. Its all black and white. You were probably picked up those that seen you as a meal ticket for them. It is common for guys to turn a blind eye to the very obvious and then get bitten hard.

Like, the need to send money home for medical bills, house, other relatives etc. They did quite fine before you came there. And will do quite fine without. However, do allow them to send some to their mum. Set a figure, but thats it. Outside of that, run. They are there for the money.

I cannot complain my marriage is very happy and satisfying. However she has worked out I take things literally. But I do suspect she is quite aspie herself as she doesn't fit in easily with her culture. Like can't stand the crowds, likes repetition, horrible short term memory and so on like most of the aspie women here.

Well with my first wife, I didn't think she was the "needy" type.  I thought we connected intellectually which was a good thing.  No doubt she was a very smart girl.  I had heard all kinds of discouraging stereotypes that I'd be used as a meal ticket, etc.  Her family seemed self-supporting; mother owned her little dress business, owned rental property, step-father was a school security guard and retired from the Philippine Army.  I made myself quite clear (so I thought) that I wasn't rich and couldn't be expected to support umpteen relatives.  I also thought this was trying to reassure the validity of our relationship.  Add to that, I thought my ex was grounded in Christian values (as her mother was) and thought of marriage as something for life and that infidelity was unthinkable.

In hindsight though, japayuki income accounted for some of the family's lifestyle.  (Her half-sister was a japayuki.)  Once she got acclimated to American life, the pressure was on to "get rich"; and demands only increased exponentially without agreeing to sticking to a realistic pathway for the both of us to get ahead as a married couple.  When I got divorced, she was the diametric opposite of the woman I thought I had married.

One of my inlaws actually dressed down an Australian for even considering a Filipina with Japayuki type income or Bar Girl. Infidelity guaranteed. (For those that don't know Japayuki is a Filipina working in Japan usually as a prostitute, which they will deny).

And the practical (getting money for family) lives alongside the christian values no problemo. Some will even sell there girls to bars for money. There would be no surprises where that little dress business, rentals etc came from. And not from security guard, would only pay 100 Pesos or so an hour at best ($2.50 / hour).

My father in law (deceased) was school principal. My wife is a teacher (although she needs to upgrade her qualifications in Australia). My inlaws run the range from CPAs through engineers and such like. Naturally my experience is completely different. But I do know of and see the other side.

Living by a quick plane trip to Philippines means we are close enough to conduct a business there as well. A distribution business. I have some friends who do just that. I knew them long before my wife. Well, Australia is part of Asia, we are in same time zone and close to most countries there.

I have been accused of being a stalker before, one accusation was totally completely fake just a drama queen girl in high school and my teacher told the principal she was just attention seeking the other probably had a bit of truth in it.  My experience for the most part is I find a woman who likes me as her friend even says you are like a brother to me because I usually try to respect women and talk to them as equals.  I guess that comes across as profoundly unsexy.  We end up being very close and even acting somewhat like boyfriend and girlfriend, other people may even point it out but when I try to ask her out or something she says no no no were just friends.  Oftentimes the relationship ends after that, its very dissapointing.  There was one girl I still called alot, I should have just accepted her no and moved on but she really acted like she cared about me and loved me, she remembered my birthday and no girl has ever done that for me but her idk, I felt like she did love me in a way but needed a guy who was cool and/or had money or could fulfill the macho thing and she felt torn so she called on an outside authority to get rid of me because she couldn't quite do it herself.  So she filed some complaint against me because I yelled at her once ever it was just a warning and I didn't call her again though I had to fight my urge to, it sucks that a relationship that had such beautiful moments is tainted by an ugly ending.  I remember going outside and crying under some bridge like a real crazy person.  It is hard to move on in your heart and mind from loving someone, on the one hand obsession can be dangerous on the other hand isn't that what eros love is.  To love someone is just asking to be hurt but I would rather take that risk.  The most dreaded words in the world to me became "lets just be friends".  These just friends relationships were disappointing to me as a typical teenage boy in a lot of ways despite my Aspergers but they were better than nothing, I guess I feel I really need a relationship with a woman in my life even if it is just friends.  Also part of my problem is that in a way I got what I wanted, I wanted a friend, the wierdness of dating doesn't appeal to me but I understand friendship.  It seems like dating is a game where the person in the relationship who cares the least wins and has all the power in the relationship, I always lose that game.  It just amazes me that despite all the romantic movies and books and crap that most women seem to read how repulsed a lot of women are by romantic gestures.  Sure I would love to get romantic gestures but sometimes I feel a powerful urge to give romantic gestures regardless and yet that can have the consequence of a woman thinking your clingy or pathetic or even gasp a stalker. I don't see gender differences as strongly as most "neurotypical" people seem to and in some ways I feel more comfortable talking with women than with men, women tend to be more "sensitive" like me and less into sports which I am not into at all. I don't want to relate to a woman like I am just interested in her body, even when I am, I would feel ashamed.  So I wish I could have that special female friend and every once in a while we would make out eventually have sex why does she go to me for her emotional needs and some **** boyfriend who treats her wrong and breaks her heart for her sexual needs, yeah I played shoulder to cry on and they say supposedly Aspies have no empathy.  I can't tell you how many women I have helped talk  their problems through and how much "wise" sounding advice I have given, how many heartfelt compliments I have given and how many women I have helped do their homework while neglecting my own.  So getting accused of harassment really added insult to injury I am apparently way too nice with girls, there are plenty of guys who treat women like dirt who don't even consider women human and get laid all the time and never get charged with harassment.  In college I ended up having a one night stand with a girl that ended being a four of five night stand, she was a wild and crazy hippy type who picked me we were very different and yet similiar I think I was one of the first guys to talk to her on an intellectual level, most of the guys she knew were either intimidated of her, (shes super tall and very loud) or abusive and violent.  But me being friendly and nice and affectionate towards her ultimately resulted in her losing her sexual attraction for me and thinking of me as her cuddly teddy bear friend and going out with some total jerk.  Not trying to get too graphic here but I was just fine at sex not awkward at all really she genuinely seemed to like it, and I wasn't some stunted shy socially awkward stereotype, actual sex seems to bring out the "manly man" in me that isn't really present anywhere else in my life, I just have a hard time getting a girlfriend, if I had a girlfriend I really think I would be a good boyfriend but no woman seems to be willing to try.   I find that I am a lets just do one thing at a time kind of person I think thats true of a lot of Aspies, so a lot of Aspies spend a lot of their time not caring about eros relationships but when I got in my heart and mind ok I want a girlfriend It became a preoccupation eventually I just had to throw myself deeply into doing something else and try to forget about it, thats not to say I have given up.  To conclude you have the "right" to have a relationship with an individual is wrong because ultimately they get a choice to say yes or no, but I do believe that I and Aspies in general have a right to seek a relationship with somebody.  Frankly some feminists in our society have gone to extremes in basically calling all hetero men pigs and everything as a form of sexual harrasment,especially on college campuses and that can create problems for Autistic/Aspies, a woman(or a man for that matter) has a right to say no but a guy(or girl) can ask someone out or make an attempt at flirting without it automatically being "sexual harassment"  Not trying to complain about women here but one thing that has always irritated me, when a man a woman finds attractive stares at her and tries to hit on her she encourages him when a man who she finds unattractive does the same thing she may call him a perv a creep etc.  Is the attractive guy any less a perv or creep or is he just a perv you happen to like lol.  It makes me laugh a bit to find out that Aspie women also find men a frustrating annoying mystery too.

Good youre married

I would like to lay this mystery to rest once and for all: women don't turn men down as dates because they are nice, or don't treat them mean enough. They turn them down because they are not attractive enough. If it seems that women reject nice guys for mean ones it is because the mean ones can get INTO  relationship on their looks. When the girl finds out they're mean, they get dumped and how long that takes depends on how good the guy is at pretending not to be a jerk.