Hi there,

I wanted to know if anyone could offer some ideas for me for a problem I've having at work. I have a diagnosis of Aspergers however I haven't disclosed it to people at work. I believe that I am able to 'act' in a manner that is seen to others as 'normal', and while I personally struggle with the social aspect of the job, I feel this is something that isn't obvious to others.

However, I recently had a performance appraisal and was told that I sometimes appear 'aggressive' or 'intimidating' when I'm challenged or 'not getting my way'. Apparently my physical presentation during this issue includes standing up straighter, pressing my chest out, increasing (and intensifying) eye-contact, increasing voice volume and talking in a 'flat, toneless and hypnotic' voice.

From further discussion with some other people, both co-workers and friends, they confirmed that I do this regularly.

The biggest issue, however, is that I have no idea that I am doing this. Or how to stop doing this.

Any ideas?

listen to what your co-workers say, try to improve where you can. Dont worry about the rest.

What does your boss do when in similar situations?  Maybe you should copy their style.  Likely they react exactly the same way.  

Is this aggressive behaviour a complaint from other workers or just the usual complaint that HR has to find something negative about everyone to put on their review?  

How they expect you to react?  Ask them for a list of acceptable behaviours.

Take up amateur dramatics?

There hasn't been a complaint (yet), but apparently I do the 'aggressive' thing to quite a few co-workers, clients and other people.

The problem is that whenever something changes, or I'm asked to do something that I wasn't expecting to be, I get anxious. And, when I'm anxious, I apparently appear to get aggressive or intimidating. I'm over 6"3, and pretty bulky, so I imagine that my size is a significant factor to this. I'm pretty sure that the 'aggressive' or 'intimidating' look is really just me being defensive, unsure or anxious, but I need to find a balance.

I was thinking about some type of professional development course or something, and the idea of drama classes might work. I've worked pretty hard on my behaviour in the past, and thought that I had it under control. HR wouldn't suggest it unless it was seen to be an issue.

I'm similar, it was weird to hear that people find me scary when I was nervous myself. I've no answer though, I got fired from volunteering in a charity shop.

I have actually been written up for the exact same issues.  Then told to find a way to be more social at work.  My evaluations are stellar until the box (works well with others) comes along.  I have had problems with this since I began my career 10 years ago.  I just left a job after working there less than a week because I knew I was going to get myself into trouble.  I always look at the way I am being spoken to and I think I mimic what I see fom them right back.  Since, I am Asperger's, there is a chance I am not reading them correctly and I can come across, rather harsh, more like horrid, and that gets me written up everytime.  You'd think I would have learned some skills by now, but the only thing I have learned is "Don't work with or for incompetant person's.

This is such a vexed issue. I think it would need to spelled out exactly what body postures and expressions would not be seen as intimidating but even then, I think these are largely unconscious, and yes - anxiety can look like aggression. I also get this cornered behaviour if too much changes too quickly or if I am challenged about something I didn't see as a problem. I wish there were some easy answers because so many of us have challenges in social areas.

I don't see myself as intimidating at all, I guess my anxiety looks that way.  My husband told me that when I am uncomfortable I get this intense look and it is frightening.  Plus I have a history of telling it like it is when I should probably keep quiet.  I must think I am the only one that sees the inconsistency and screw offs in the work setting.

I don't see myself as intimidating either but my mum and my brother says people can tell I am inwardly hostile at times. Well, that is true but I believe I have good reason to be on occasion.

I just walked off a $41K job because I couldn't continue with the NT crazy business practice, and I was a special education teacher.

Shame about that but no money is worth working with people who won't even try to understand.

It's interesting reading some of the replies on here. It is really bizarre timing, however I've started watching the TV show "Lie to Me" - the one with Tim Roth that is all about facial expressions and microexpressions. One of the things that I've been reading up on the net all weekend is about recognising facial expressions and the emotions that are associated with them. I think it's actually giving me some insight into the issues that I'm having at work. The feeling that I think I feel when someone confronts me, or asks me to do something that is either unexpected, new or out of my routine, is most likely worry or possibly fear (i.e., anxiety). However, I believe that what I look like when I'm anxious appears to other people as angry.

I need to focus on the way I appear to others, however sometimes I think I might actually be angry. Its the usual kind of thing, with co-workers who I believe to be less skilled and efficient than me being promoted just because they have better social skills when interacting with upper management.

This post was last modified: 09-12-2010 03:41 PM by piper.