Well, my friend is still ignoring me. This time I have accepted it, though it still makes me feel bad. last time he ignored me (Xmas) I tried to contact him a lot and that just made him madder, but at least in the heat of his anger he told me why he was angry. He didn't contact me for 3 months, then sent an apology and lots of nice messages and things were good for 3 months again.

Then he started focusing on his thesis and started being secretive about meeting me vs meeting other friends. I was getting fewer and fewer messages from him b/c he was writing his thesis, but the messages I was getting were all very nice and friendly. There were also several times when he said he couldn't meet me b/c he had to study, but I felt or saw strong evidence on his Facebook that he had met other friends those times instead. That obviously was upsetting as  felt he was avoiding telling me the truth. I value the truth between us more than anything else.

Then suddenly last week he changed his security on his Facebook wall so that I could no longer post on there (first) then later so that I could no longer read it. I had been posting encouraging messages on his wall about once a week ("Good luck with your thesis! Keep going!" type stuff). I think this is related to the situation between me/him/his friends and the whole thing about him prefering to go out with other friends than me, but I am not sure. I am the only person he has blocked. However, he has not unfriended me on FB  or blocked me on Skype this time (he blocked me on Skype last time and when he is "done" with people he immediately unfriends them on FB, he doesn't merely close his wall to them) so I am guessing that this is just a temporary measure to help him concentrate on his thesis and perhaps to prevent me seeing what he is doing with his other friends.

I think he enjoys going out with other friends b/c they are not at all close and he can relax with them and "think about nothing". B/c we have a much deeper relationship, when he is with me he always starts talking about his troubles and stress, so in a way maybe meeting me has become a stressful experience in itself, b/c when we are together he is always reliving his troubles. I can understand that point of view, but that sucks for me though. I am not sure about that, I am guessing, but it would fit the situation. I know that when he first started dating his last girlfriend he liked being with her b/c at first they didn't talk about anything serious at all and just concentrated on fun and he loved being able to go out with her and "think of nothing at all". So that makes me think the same logic applies here - he enjoys going out with virtual strangers to the beach, etc, because mentally it is easy compared to when he goes out with me. But he always says that going out with me calms him down b/c he can get everything off his chest, so perhaps it is down to concentration. Perhaps if he meets me he will lose concentration on his thesis, but with other friends he won't.

Anyway, this time I have not tried to find out what happened. When he changed his FB security, I just sent him a message saying I knew he had done it and I was very sad b/c as far as I could see I had done nothing bad or unkind to him. I also said that it was making me feel very stressed and ill, so that was all  was going to say about it. That was a week ago and I haven't tried to contact him at all, which is totally the opposite of last time he had a meltdown on me.

This time I am just going to leave it. I am not going to contact him. I expect I may hear from him after he finishes his thesis in September, but I am not going to approach him unless he approaches me. It makes me very sad that this has happened again, but as it was so unexpected I really feel there is nothing I can do and the situation is not worth getting stressed about.

Ok... sorry about the long post... but it feels good now that that is off my chest... time to go to work again...

You are unhealthily involved with him and it's putting pressure on your relationship. Step back.

I have stepped back. I haven't contacted him at all since it happened.

I've been in many abusive relationships. This is old turf for me, both sides of it.

You care far too much about details of his life. They simply are none of your business. He can do what he wants, you have no right to know anything about him. Notice how much effort you take rationalising his other friends - the ones he want to hang out with - as fake? This is a huge warning sign.

When he wants you he'll drag you back and use you up, then dispose of you again.  

You have an abusive codependent relationship and no good will come of it. If you can find magic mushrooms, now is the time to leave the game. Otherwise the painful dissolution of everything you are holding onto may take months or years and your sanity.

The Bhagavad Gita says "It is better to strive in one’s own dharma than to succeed in the dharma of another. Nothing is ever lost in following one’s own dharma, but competition in another’s dharma breeds fear and insecurity."

That's good advice Capricorn. Live your own life. Dont try to live someone else's for them. You will only get burnt.

Don't cast yourself into the fire like the firemen (A Bradbury fable)

I have also been in many abusive relationships. I was an abused child and I bear the scars to this day.

If you have been dragged around,used and then disposed of in the past, dtx, then I feel sorry for you and your pain.

I prefer to have a more positive outlook for the future.

Thank you, adriant.esq

It is hard in any relationship to make everything 50/50 and non-invasive of the other person's life. I can only strive towards that.

Firemen are drawn to fire, Genesis. The point is finding out why.

He sounds like a vampire to me. I had a friend who sucked the life out of me. Expected me to fix everything. I am glad he's gone. He hurt me initially now I want nothing to do with him. He's apologized but I just don't need him weighing me down again.

Oh and BTW, I do not at any point say that his other friends are "fake". In fact, for you to say that is quite offensive, but I will choose not to take offense. And I hope that this does not offend you, but actually, you interpreting my comments as me thinking other people are "fake" may perhaps indicate the negative way your mind works about other people, but certainly not the way my mind works. This should be a warning sign to you not to assume other people have the same motivation in their comments as you may do.

I will explain again. His friends are all people that he has known for a short period of time. That is how he likes it. They are very nice, very fun, but he has no interest in developing any deep relationship with them. He has told me this. The point he likes about his friends is that he can forget his troubles when he is with them, because they do not know his troubles, so they don't talk about them. I know all his troubles, because when I am with him they come pouring out. That is one strange thing about him - online he is so private and hides everything, but when he is actually with me there is no end to the candour of what he tells me. I don't ask him - he just tells me; in fact it is almost like a compulsion and once he starts talking he can't stop. He usually gives me far too much personal information and I sometimes have to tell him it isn't appropriate to tell me.

Anyway, I digress. The point of my explanation was to say that he prefers to be in casual relationships because they are easier on his mind.

It is funny you should say that, Duckfetishgirl, because I used the vampire analogy to him to explain the way he behaved before. These kinds of relationships are very hard. Like a drug addiction.

I'll provide my inference on this situation.  He's known these friends for a very short time, mingling with them helps him forget about his personal problems, and he's an Aspie.  As of now he probably admires these friends alot.  He probably would not like to think that these folks just might not really be his friends; because like most people; Aspie or NT; he wants and needs social connections and acceptance.  But he'll eventually be singing a different tune if and when these folks start taking advantage of him and make fun of him in subtle ways.  At first when he suspects this is happening; he'll be in denial.  After all, they're supposed to be his friends and they're supposed to be good people (good from his perspective of right and wrong).  There will be a "delayed reaction" because he'll be slow to catch on to the subtleties and nuances.  But sooner or later he'll realize they are not true friends; possible after he's been injured in both a practical sense (ex. being swindled of money or realizing they were making fun of him behind his back) and in the sense of his personal self-esteem after realizing their "true colors".  Then he'll come back to you.  I say this based on personal experiences.

All I can say is, we have not even heard anything from this person or his side and what is really going on in his life, I dont think it is fair or logical to simply judge a person merely out of one persons account.

We cannot and should not expect others to reciprocate how we feel towards them - no one is required to.

Also, there is a difference between what we want for someone vs what is actually relatively good for them - you serve yourself vs you serve the other.

Makes me think of yoda, the fear of loss leads to the darkside, the shadow of greed that is. You should just let go

Capricorn, he's obviously no longer your friend.  Forget him and move on.

This post was last modified: 08-06-2010 07:57 PM by Fnord.