This past weekend, my wife was a bridesmaid in a wedding.  This meant that we were sitting at the head table, up on a platform, and got a decent amount of attention.

My wife is very different than I am in social situations, in many ways almost the complete opposite.  Take dancing.  I was willing to dance (after a few beers), but only with her.  For a few songs, she felt like dancing with the bride or the other bridesmaid.  So I sat at the table.  I wasn't bothered by this - I just hung back, observing everything.  Being completely honest, I enjoyed it more than dancing.

Towards the end of the reception, a guy came over with his girlfriend.  He told me that he had noticed me being alone at the table and felt he should help me out by offering his girlfriend as a dance partner.  I explained that I wasn't dancing to the current song because my wife was dancing with the bride's sister (who did not have a date).  He then offered to have me dance with his girlfriend again, since "I looked sad."  I replied that my facial expression usually does not change much, whether I am happy or sad, calling it a "stone face."

He didn't believe me.  He thought that me being alone at the head table (if only for a song at a time) + "looking sad" = me not having a good time.  I get that he was trying to be nice, but dancing with a complete stranger, a very attractive stranger at that, was one of the last things I would want to do.

It was extremely frustrating.  I complained about it several times that night and even the next day.  I just wanted to be left alone.  I wasn't sad.  I may have looked sad, to him, but I wasn't sad.  My wife was dancing with the bride's sister and I was happy that both of them were enjoying the moment.  But I wasn't about to dance with a stranger, I wasn't about to walk to a table to make conversation with a group of strangers, and I wasn't... well, I wasn't about to do anything but just hang out at the table.  That's what I wanted to do so I did it.

Invariably I get this sort of attention whenever I'm mingling with the masses.

"Having a bad day?"
"No."
"Well, turn that frown upside down!"
"I'm not frowning."
"You're not smiling."
"Why should I be smiling?"
"If you were happy, you'd be smiling."
"Whatever."

when people say that to me (usually asking me if i'm bored) i just say oh i'm not, i just always look like this. sometimes i might joke to them that looking bored is my greatest talent. usually people don't ask further. i don't know anyone who believes that you're only happy if you have a smile on your face, that's just weird.

Even my best friend thinks I'm sad when I'm not.  Which kind of sucks considering just how long he has known me.

Even my mom.  Every time we would take a picture, she'd tell me to smile.  Then she'd tell me it wasn't big enough.  So I would smile larger, but she would tell me I was faking it.  Well, duh, you told me my real smile wasn't big enough, I have to fake it...

What bothered me about the wedding experience is the guy just.would.not.stop.  If I only had to tell him once, even twice, I wouldn't mind so much.  He harassed me for several minutes, refusing to believe that I was having a good time.  Very annoying.

Maybe it's a cultural thing. Here in the U.S., it seems you're expected to smile whenever you interact with anyone.

I have experienced the same thing too; people constantly asking if something was wrong, when there was nothing wrong. And they often wouldn't respect my answer, that there was NOTHING wrong, and that I was not unhappy.  
( Ironically, when there was something wrong, and I was unhappy, no-one ever wanted to hear it. ) Usually, after having someone continue to pester me about what was "wrong", I'd get annoyed and tell them "Yes, there IS something wrong, I don't like being harassed by someone who doesn't respect what I say"! And then they'd assume an air of injured innocence.

I notice that in America you are expected to be "upbeat" when you interact with people, in addition to smiling.

In South East Asia you must smile. Not smiling comes across very negatively, especially in Indonesia and to a lesser extent Thailand. I find that smiling at people and them smiling back does lift my mood. For me smiling is easier than being upbeat.

Regarding the OP, I probably would have said something totally inappropriate in a lame attempt to break the tension with humour.

I can't dance, I lack the coordination. I hate trying to dance. I don't get jealous, I used to happily send my ex off to find some other guy to dance with, which led to some funny situations.

makes sense. brits are known to be grumpy. probably why i like it here haha.

Stoic perhaps?

For some reason wedding receptions are the most difficult social situation for me.  I hate dancing with anyone other than my spouse or in a group of other women.  I don't like talking to people that I never met before too much.  I don't smile all the time.

In the Philippines, smiling is a big thing.  It seems that every group picture I've seen from the Philippines; everybody is smiling almost to the point where the smiles look artificial.

Yet smiling is an involuntary body gesture.  You can fake a smile and others know its fake.  A natural smile has to be just that; natural or at least seem natural.  It probably comes easier for people that have a natural knack for acting (these are the same kinds of people who can lie and deceive the people they're lying to if they choose to do that).

I think Aspies aren't photogenic because of their inability to smile especially when thinking about it.  First of all, natural smiles won't often be seen on an Aspie because Aspies are pretty much perpetually stressed or depressed (being bullied, socially rejected, other probablems at a greater magnitude than what most people experience, etc.)  Second of all, when an Aspie tries to smile; to make that catchy, charming smile for a photo; it just won't work, probably because he's trying too hard.  This past Christmas, my twin NT neice and nephew were talking about home my Aspie nephew (their cousin) looks bad in photos.

I reminisce for a brief period; when I was in love; some people commented about me smiling too much.  My smiling at that time was so natural and random.  A coworker teased me and said "Stop smiling so much."

i am resisting the urge to say something quite possibly extremely inappropriate right now....

i think in the UK, walking around with a smile on your face suggests you are a bit of a nut.

same here. You're considered to be on anti-depressants.

A friend of mine is just back from a holiday in the US and she commented on how people there smile all the time.  Obviously insincere smiles, but smiles all the same, all the time.  And they're always delighted to be of service, and say "have a nice day" and "your'e welcome!" when you say thank you.

My friend says she stopped saying thank you, because she got to the stage that if she heard another phony, "Your'e welcome!", she'd have screamed or hit someone.

This post was last modified: 06-22-2010 11:12 PM by Marcia.