Hi.
I'm an NT woman very much in love with an Aspie guy. We've been good friends for over a year. We lived as roommates for several months months and he currently lives about 30 minutes away. We see each other about once a week (a bit less sometimes).

He's younger than me, completely inexperienced in relationships and never had sex.

He has days of being really connected to me/us and days when he's completely disconnected. Sometimes he is super verbally affectionate (I love you) and physical with me (hugs, back rubs, etc...), other times he won't touch me or say sweet things at all. He can vacillate between being a man and a child from one week to the next. He also can go days (up to a week or two) without returning phone calls, etexts, or emails which concerns me (shut downs?) but also hurts and lessens my trust in his ability to be a reliable friend.

Sometimes he says he wants to live with me and be with me and other times he says he wants to live alone and be sexual with men.

At this point, I don't know what is true. I have tried to discuss my confusion calmly with him but it stresses him out and he just says "I don't understand."

I know he wants and needs my friendship, support, and love. I have begged him to only say things that are consistently true over time and now I don't know what's real and what's some dream world about us he falls into from time to time.

I don't know what to do other than give him lots of space, give up hopes and expectations, and realize that he's not clear enough to have a relationship with me that is consistent.

Any advice?

Oh, I forgot to mention, even while he lived here, he would be very connected for a few days and then lock himself in his room for a week...over and over again. Our good times are so fun and his disconnected times stir up my insecurities and mistrust.

Obviously something is going on with him personally. He does seem to suffer meltdowns which are a direct result of something else most likely not related to you at all. Probably work related.

Best to find out the obsession and join in that and find him something to make a career of it. That is the secret to living with aspies.

Thanks Micgrace but that doesn't explain his yo-yo behavior towards me in terms of being committed to the relationship. Or does it?

Well as an aspie myself thats pretty much how i act with my current partner, theres days that i feel like doing stuff with her and then there is times that i just want to be left alone, thats where the bipolar type traits come into the aspergers situation.

Just try to be patient with him as im sure that he just gets very mixed up from time to time, at least you know he values your friendship and company as he would not be wanting to hug and kiss you etc.

Give him time

If he his having meltdowns, whether he knows it or not, he will definitely remove himself from any or all stimulii. It has nothing to do with the relationship. It is a very aspie trait. The thing to figure out is what is causing him to have meltdowns. Such seemingly innoucous things like a rather noisy workplace can cause it or some workplace isolation, bullying etc. It is highly unlikely to be the realtionship.

Oh and on relationships. You will find an aspie makes a true partner. And they cannot easily lie either. What you see is what you get, no hidden agendas, no ulterior motives etc.

And don't try and smother the guy. But be prepared to make the first move as he won't have any NT style intuition to know when.

I could not agree any more with your last post micgrace, 100% nicely said

I could not agree any more with your last post micgrace, 100% nicely said

Thanks. I have been the apsie in an NT aspie relationship for some 20 + years now. Except my wife is some 7 years younger.

There has been a recent discussion here about alexithymia. Have a look and see how much this applies during the more distant, shutdown episodes
http://oaq.blogspot.com/

micgrace is right on. take his advice.

I have just taken that quiz and my result is shown below

Result: 156
Alexithymia: You show high alexithymic traits

This sounds concerning in terms of you possibly getting hurt.  Is he bisexual or is he confused about his sexuality?

Questions for NTs to ask potential AS mates:

Do you expect to have sex with your mate, do you expect your mate to be male/female, do you expect to sleep in the same house/room/bed with your mate, do you expect to share meals with your mate, do you expect your mate to interract with friends inside your home, do you expect your mate to interract with friends outside of your home, do you expect your mate to engage in public activities, do you expect your mate to be awake during daylight hours and sleep at night, do you expect your mate to give physical or symbolic gestures of affection, et cetera, et cetera.

Equally we could have a list of questions for NT mates, starting with expectations of honesty, autonomy, monogamy...

That's a really good list, Zoey!  It ought to get published for reference somewhere.

Thanks for such a nice compliment, Earth Mum.  I have been dating an Aspie recently, so this is all very "up" for me.  It gets really complex, even Aspie to Aspie!