Does anyone have a suggestion on how to deal with people that tease at work?  I am trying to be adult about it but it makes me very anxious and panicked.

The woman by me at work is incessant--she didn't like the 5 minute breaks I took to center myself, she makes fun or makes nasty comments when I talk to people (I am the encyclopedia girl at work and it makes me happy when people ask me things; I either explain if I know or research it if I don't.  I love research!), which killed my only joy in a high-stress socially taxing job that does not incorporate my interests.  She calls me a know-it-all and makes fun of me for sometimes taking people literally and not noticing when my comments have innuendos, though I can tell after everybody smiles and I think about what I said.  Today, when someone had a conversation and I was working on the computer and so could not hear (I single-track when concentrating), she was cruel and rubbed it in.  She makes me feel far more alien than I already feel, which is unhealthy because I have serious social anxiety issues.  My boss even intervened because people felt sorry for me-but the peace only lasted briefly. It doesn't help that I can't look people I fear or dislike in the eyes, because I think it gives her a feeling of dominance.

My fantasy response is:
Dear Barb,

My personal cognitive style makes me very literal, gives me a propensity towards speaking lengthily on various topics of interest, and prevents me from processing auditory and visual stimuli simultaneously when I am concentrating or overstimulated.  Furthermore, these traits are not problematic for me, nor am I able to change them if I was willing, so the best thing for you to do would be BUGGER OFF!!!!!!

Sincerely,
The Annoyed and Injured Aspie to your Right



But I am not official dx, so this is unwise, even without the inflammatory language.  I'm very frustrated and having trouble connecting because of this problem, and I'm embarrassed because I think 25 is too old to feel bad about being teased. I have tried being very nice to her, smiling at her, and asking her nice questions about her day/how she is feeling, since that works with most women (sometimes even me!), but I cannot bring myself to look at her face directly and it isn't helping anyways.  I have also tried telling her that I have a different cognitive style and have trouble paying attention to conversations while working, but that makes her even more offended, and I am still forced into muteness and further divided from my coworkers, who surprisingly still smile at me and approach me even though they obviously think I'm weird.  

I don't know--maybe she thinks I'm being superior in some way?  I've told her it hurts me, that just makes her angry.  I get very flustered and meltdown with serious conflict, so I'm at a loss of what else I can do.

The workplace psychopath. And one of my pet hates. Nearly every workplace has one of those. The broken record method usually fixes them unless they are ones superior.

Make a simple reply and memorise it. Example. (Her) Blah, blah blah. (You) I do not like it when you say that would you mind not saying it? Blah, blah blah. I do not like it when you say that would you mind not saying it. Blah, blah, blah.... It takes quite a bit of repitition but is effective although sometimes they really try and move ones resolve. Keep cool.

Whatever the culprit says the response is the same. Even the thickest get the message. And that is all you say, nothing else.

I had to attend assertiveness training to learn how to overcome this particular problem and its effective. The only effective technique I have ever learnt.

It sounds very simple but I would never have thought of it.  Maybe I should try assertiveness training!  It has been suggested.

Thank you for your kind and friendly posts.

Thank you. By the way wanting to help others is probably one of the most endearing aspie traits. Unfortunately certain a/holes will take advantage of that. I know, it cost me $1,400,000. Hence I detest psychopaths

I've never paid in money, but I've paid in other ways.  That's how I got the anxiety/shame issues: couldn't trust myself with other people because I always thought their intentions were good, now I don't trust myself to judge and I am afraid of people.  I am beginning to feel that it is better to be like myself and overly-trusting than to take advantage.

I also like to help people--even if I can't always tell what they want from me, it makes me feel connected to humanity.  I don't care about most of what people discuss, but I see beauty in people sometimes, and I want to help it grow

Yes its taken me years to get over the complete betrayal of trust. At least this con man got 16 years at Her Majesties Pleasure. (Yes we use the same term here). His jailing didn't help me or gain the lost funds back (he spent the lot on very high living) as I still suffer from severe panic attacks and avoid people a lot more as I don't know who to trust or not and I don't trust myself to figure that out unless I am directly handling business or my uni studies in peace and quiet without people around.

I liked your fantasy response to Barb, you seem nice.
'You seem nice' this comes as a natural thing for me to say, someone once told me that I say things like this to suck up and manipulate. Sometimes it is very hard to know how to say the exactly the right thing. I tend to think as long as intentions are good, what the heck. It is just too hard to always be worrying about saying the wrong thing. Some situations I will simply remain quiet.
I like research too, I love finding interesting information via the net.

Teasing isn't nice, I have experienced workplace problems but the bullying was more subtle. And it involved people racing to cover their butts.
With my workplace bullies, I decided to take the attitude that I was better than them and I always (well almost always, except when I lost my cool when they really pushed me too far) anyway back to my point, I decided to always maintain a professional workplace attitude and treat them with a warmish respect. This seemed to work in my situation.
Sorry I can't be more help.

This is the classic set up situation that a lot of us have to contend with. Someone feigns friendship, we fall for it as we crave friendship which is contrary to stereotypes, so we go along with what they say to do.

I did learn the very hard way reinforced by such a massive loss that if something doesn't feel quite right, and for some reason most of us actually have heightened senses that detect these things, contary to stereotypes, it almost certainly isn't without exception.

One of course then lets the offer of "friendship" over rule ones aspie radar. That sort of thing that "knows" when something is about to happen. (No words to describe effect, something you "know" as an aspie this is case )

I think this effect comes from various bullying episodes over time and the increased sensitivity to such situations. Again the words to accurately describe it don't exist. Sort of a premonition, but not really. A feeling, but vague.

We are possessed of a most unique ability that isn't present in the population so will forever be on the outer. I've accepted that. But I sure as hell stick up for my rights. Where would society be if the first aspie wasn't around to invent the wheel?

One of my hypothesis' is that the NT group all went hunting (males), or food collecting (females). But the first Aspie sat around and came up with an idea. Why don't I capture a few young animals and raise them? Beats hunting. This would have been valued, but he would not have got many mates as he wasn't the biggest or toughest. Just had a very different way of doing things. But a very successful strategy from an evolutionary standpoint.

I am sorry about your arse/hole micgrace.  
Sometimes I wonder if that is the only way we learn to defend ourselves, to be burned

Or Aspies invented agriculture or fish farming

Unfortunately I have resigned myself to the fact everything I learn about human behaviour has to be learnt the hard way and employed via intellect and never like an NT learns by osmosis from the group.

Lets say if that conman drops dead I'm not about to lose any sleep. Or shed a tear. May he rot in hell.

I am treated extremely well at DTI Associates on S. Glebe Rd surrealgirl.   They know I am an Aspie.**

If anything my only complaint since we were acquired as a subsidiary of San Diego-based Kratos Defense last year is that the Web site project load has evaporated, and our group size has shrank, compared to what it was perhaps in 2003 or 2004.

And also in 2005 we lost direct access to our live Web servers: they went to Indiana.  Someone was not comfortable with the immense power and responsibility the four five or six of us had with direct access to live Web servers and live databases.  We have parallel development servers that we can use to test changes before we migrate them to the live servers and databases.  However now we have to have changes artificially approved by staff just outside Indianapolis.  The staff often go home at 5 PM sharp.  I am bleeping here at 1:15 AM on Saturday.  What's a life?  What's a wife?  What's a gf?  What's a relationship?  I think I know what a date is.



** hey surrealgirl and everyone, I don't know.
I might take that back.
What high skill work there is usually is apportioned off to my colleague who has been here 1.5 to 2 years less than I.   I seem to do a lot of the work comparable to an intern for lack of steady high-skill programming work.   Entering subdirectories from the dev server into a database as part of a documentation project is numbing and painful (music helps).  

I can't give details but I think I have a co-worker neighbor who is our brother.   He is a college student with six years experience here and most of his duties are like that of an intern.  

We might be brothers, but I have college and graduate degrees and nine years experience (nearly eight as a Web programmer).  It troubles me to think that even though I am kindly treated, I could be held to a lesser standard.

What is your employment occupation surrealgirl?  Perhaps it would be worth it to send your information to our recruiter?

Ms. Kristin Zisa
Corporate Recruiter
DTI Associates Inc., a Kratos Company
2920 South Glebe Road
Arlington VA 22206

(703) 299-1648 voice
(703) 706-0474 fax
kzisa@dtihq.com

http://www.dtiassociates.com

Referred: Christopher Marsh

"Teasing" I mean Terrorising at work is why I
am "unemployed" oops I mean self-employed
doing my own video editing "unlicenced" work.

Terrorising me has always caused me to have
uncontrollable tantrums or seizures, like the
time at McDonald's when I threw the hamburger....

I look back at it now and laff as I remember one
bun going one way and the other bun going the
other way and the meat disc sliding down the
wall in a trail of 1000 island dressing leaving a
trail of pickles behind.

Ziorrt zorry had to stop and laff it makes me
laff every time, but it did not used to.

The dirty old bagh that called me the bad
Rxxxxx word nearly
got a face full of cow sandwich if she hadn't
ducked in time.

Other times it was throwing stools, tools, food,
anything within reach, I'm just glad I did not throw
a basket of hot potatoes, but those are kind of heavy
so it probably would have been a hamburger bun or
a pickle instead.

I don't know what it is, or why, but if someone teases
me and they won't stop, I just snap and do something
way out of character, I throw something or kick
something or scream and throw things.

I wonder if I am non repairable??