well heretic I find I must be on my own after a heavy day, with little to no noise, doing my favourite activity depending on the current obsession (which can range from a particular genre of book, movie, designing, making etc) which has a limited life span weeks to months. I can then unstress. If I can't work on the obsession the stress builds up to meltdown which may take seconds or in other innumerable variations. And one could imagine what it is like to little ones who want everthing in the here and now and get deprived of their favourite obsession. OUCH.

For the moment my daughter is glued to satellite TV and my son is glued to the other computer and everthing is at peace only problem the TV noise gets to me along with my sons stimming / self talk when something doesn't work out in some program but being the adult I can handle it a bit better (or supposed to ). I just go outside.

I don't think there is much point in trying to get a small aspie child to share. Far better for them and their sibling/s to have some toys they can call their own. The concept of sharing will often take longer for an aspie child to learn and getting into fights over sharing is just one more stress that isn't needed.

This is a really good idea.  I just hope if everyone is serious about about it they make sure they include some "parents" who have dealt with these issues.

Until you've had a 3 year old beat the hell out of you (or themself) because they are overloaded by sensory issues (you'd be amazed at what a adrenaline fueled 3 year old is actually capable of doing), it can really be hard to understand.  Also, making the assumption that these children are unable to manipulate just like any other child, is to seriously underestimate their intelligence.  It's important to learn to distinguish between what is truly an issue, and what is just a child who wants their own way.

I think these are really good points.  I would also add that when they are somewhere else they are usually dealing with someone else's stuff.  School or daycare stuff is community property, so it's something they don't have any control over because it doesn't belong to them.  Personal stuff in your own home is totally a different issue.  

My son has always been very specific about his stuff.  It took about 14 years before his sister and I were considered worthy enough to touch anything of his (with his permission, of course), because we've finally managed to convince him we aren't going to bend, mutilate, disrupt, touch with filthy hands, or excessively breathe upon his possessions.  Everything is arranged perfectly . . . he can tell if anything is a millimeter off.  He's not allowed to dictate the placement of everything in the house (unless it's something that really bothers him, and it's something the rest of us are willing to accept), but his room is his.  Even if a kid can't have their own room, they still need a space that is just theres, and respect for their privacy.  (Unless drugs, stealing, or lying start happening, then that might blur to the privacy line...)

With my son it was all the doors in the house he was very specific about.  He was fixated with doors, used to spend hours opening and shutting them, he would freak out if anyone touched them, he had to be the one who opened or shut them and he went through phases when they either had to be open all the time (thankfully not the front door) or closed.  It was quite a nightmare at the time and difficult to contend with.  He also got possessive of the doors at school and would lash out at the other children.  It was quite bad but one thing we did do that helped was giving him the job of "doorman" he really liked that and we were able to explain that people needed to get through etc etc.  Gradually he lost interest in doors and moved on to gates, fences and lamp-posts, he liked drawing them too.

That takes me back to my time in primary school.  At home, my stuff was MY stuff, and organized as I wanted it, but at school there was always this awareness that other people had handled the objects I was using.  When it came to things like sports equipment (balls, for instance) I was loathe to touch them, and remember asking the teacher when they'd last been washed!  Yew, they hadn't *ever* been!  I was so concious of dirty little hands, even at that age, handling things.  I'd deliberately let the ball go on past me rather than catch it because of that, I remember, and so rarely got picked for the team sports!  I still hate the thought of it now, even though it's part of my job every day to set out the equipment, including balls, in the playground.  My preschool class probably has the cleanest toys and equipment in the world, thanks to my early memories!  (Not that they appreciate it, I think.)
Alison

Their families will appreciate it when they don't bring home nearly as many colds as the other classes!

But I don't believe you should allow a 3 year old to beat you up. Disability or no disability, they have to learn that isn't acceptable behaviour. Otherwise, they will still be doing it when they are 13 and about as big as you or even bigger. Even if you have to sit on them to restrain them from hitting you or themselves, it's necessary to stop them somehow.

I haven't read all the suggestions offered thus far, but I had a good experience with my nephew today, for what it's worth.

All right, so my nephew is 5, and whenever he comes over it's an almost guaranteed meltdown for both of us, as my mother is horrible at communicating with either one of us, and we a get frustrated. Today...no major meltdowns for either one of us  See, he doesn't generally obey commands unless you can make it appeal to his logic, or if you can make it apparently fun for him.  So on a whim, I made it like a game of Simon Says. He thought it was a neat idea.

  We started with simple things - "Simon says throw the ball", "Simon says don't stick your finger in the pencil sharpener!" (he tried to sharpen his finger once...) and he was great with those. By the time dinner rolled around, he was realy getting into this whole Simon says thing.  I told him "Simon says sit at the table and eat your dinner" and he actually sat at the table and ate.

He was way into it by then, and when he laughed he's say "Does Simon say to laugh?" or he'd say "Does Simon say burp?"   My mom couldn't believe it, then my nephew told her "I'll do whatever Simon says!" - she said he was just playing, and when it came time to do something he didn't like, he'd drop the game and throw a fit.  Well, after dinner we went out to play in the sand box, and he -always- throws sand and gets upset when you tell him not to.  The first time he threw sand I said "Simon says don't throw sand" and he said "Okay" and didn't throw sand the rest of the time.

Naturally, there were some things he didn't comply with - I said "Simon says stop painting your hand" and he said "I can't", so I figured what's the harm in him painting his hands, it's washable and non-toxic, so I let it go. And if anyone else tried to tell him something, he told them "You're not Simon.  Shannon is."

I was pleasantly surprised at how well it worked - he was well-controlled all the way up until we took him home, and that's not a normal thing for him.

Now, I'm not saying it will work on any kid, or even any other kid besides him.  I'm not even saying it'll work next time he comes over, but it sure did make for a pleasant day with him this time.

What you did, Shannon, was what all good parents do with each of their children - namely, see the world from their perspective and join them in it.

I wonder how often (or how rarely) that has happened for him before?

I left out the part where I joined him in the smashed-up-rice-cake spitting contest, much to my mother's dismay xD  Hey, I may be nearing 21, but I'll get down and dirty with a little kid any time, lol

I'd venture to guess not very often.  Don't get me wrong, his parents love him and care about him, they just don't seem to quite "get" him. He's smart, he's learning to read and is interested in it, but his parents try to use reading as a punishment for whatever screwed-up reason.  The past few months they said he's had some issues with his potty training and going back to having a lot of accidents - I figure in the last year, between  starting pre-school and having a baby sister, plus only having been potty trained for a few months before all that, he's been over-stressed.  He's been much better since school's been out.



I couldn't do it all day, every day, though.  I swear I'm not cut out to be a parent.  It's nice to just have a nephew, spoil him, and send him home

I couldn't do it all day, every day, though.  I swear I'm not cut out to be a parent.  It's nice to just have a nephew, spoil him, and send him home

Hee hee, reminds me of today where I work.  We had a new little boy just starting, and he was looking a little lost and weepy in the playground, as he didn't really know how to go about joining in with the other kids.  So I asked him if he'd like to go to the movies with me, and we pretended to buy tickets, then popcorn, then settled ourselves at the back of the screened-off area of the playground and the "screen" was everybody playing out in the sunshine beyond this area.  We ate our popcorn and drank our drinks and before long quite a lot of other children had joined us, children being natural sticky-beaks, and we were all watching the "movie".  Before long this little boy had made friends with a couple of others and quite happily started playing with them.  This little boy is not autistic, but it occurred to me that a lot of kids would enjoy that sort of make-believe; two of the Aspie kids in our class also joined in and really had a ball.
Alison

I agree.  I know a lot of people are against restraint of any kind, for any reason, but I think there are certain specific circumstances that require it. In the case of my son, I never used it unless he was hurting someone else, or himself.  Meltdowns are one thing, but harm of self or others is a whole different issue.  Society has consequences for those who act out, and the sooner someone learns self-control, the better.

Besides, as you mentioned, dealing with them at 3 is a lot easier than at 13.  My son currently towers over me, and is one and a half times my weight.  I've never even spanked my kids, so there is no way I'd tolerate them physically hurting me.  If he hit me now I'd press charges . . . if I didn't kick his *** first.

Melindi, I hope you won't take offense at this question.  I just half wondered if you were a clutterbug.    My mum is (hordes everything), and when people are around and chatting and the TV is on, then I can overload pretty quickly.  I offer to throw everything away in the dustbin for her, but she's been stubbornly resisting for the last 10 years.  *sigh*

Anyway - I hope you will overcome and find the root of your young mans problem, be it echos, an electric whine from the fridge, overstimulous, food colouring, or an annoying brother.  As for the discipline - lead by example and always mean what you say.  As you're his mum you're probably his 'rock in a storm' so to speak.  

Definately.  Overprotective parents do more harm than good.  The child, of whatever neurotype doesn't learn where the boundaries and the limits are.  They don't develop strategies to cope with stressful situations effectively, and their executive functions don't develop to the same degree because the protective parent are always around doing the job for them.

For instance - making sandwiches for tea.  For a toddler, this simple act is on the scale of importance in his calander of events as, say, winning the nobel peace prize.   And it's amazing how much he can learn about hand/eye coordination, balance, grip, art, composition, nature, farms, food, textures, science and history just from the humble sandwich.  But when the overprotective parent won't even allow him to use a blunt knife incase he gets ideas on his own, then he never gets to experience the joys of learning and his motivation *to* learn is slowely dulled over time.