Hi all. I've never posted here before but I'm in the middle of a crisis with my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend and I need help. First of all, I should establish that I'm gay and a neurotypical. I'm 22 and both I and my bf/ex-bf are in college.

My boyfriend and I had been in a relationship for the past four months until last Friday, when he broke up with me. The reason he broke up with me was that he said that he's overwhelmed by the emotion and love in the relationship and he just can't feel it like I can.

I had noticed from the beginning of our relationship that he was different. He was extremely quiet, almost never speaking unless spoken to. He seemed to enjoy spending a lot of time on his own and didn't make much of an effort to come see me. I was always the one to come see him. When he's on his own, he spends the vast majority of his time on the computer, talking about politics online and making congressional district maps of his own state. He rarely smiles or expresses affection and he can be very easily overwhelmed. For example, when watching a particular sitcom, he became visibly uncomfortable and couldn't look at the TV because the show involved a lot of fighting and confrontation. When we'd go out (for example, to the movies), he wouldn't talk at all on the subway ride there and when we'd come out of the movie and I'd ask him if he liked it or not, he'd answer with maybe a couple of words at most and then wouldn't talk for the entire ride back to our dorm. He'd refuse to make decisions about where to go on a Friday night and would usually just shrug his shoulders at most suggestions I'd make. I began to think that maybe he was bored by me but then I discovered in his interactions with others that he was exactly the same. He has a big group of friends on his floor and they all go to dinner at the dining hall every night. He barely talks to them and they barely talk to him. He pretty much just sits there at dinner and eats. I've never seen him get excited about something and he's said that he just doesn't feel emotion like other people. He also throws tantrums a lot and when we're arguing, will scream at the top of his lungs and will often jump into bed and hide under the covers.

Before I found out about Asperger's Syndrome, I had no idea what was going on. Then I read the diagnostic criteria and it all seemed to fall into place. This was him! I finally understood what was wrong and it was a huge relief like I can't even explain. I spoke with him about it and he said that he'd researched it in the past and he thinks he has it. I told him that I'd be there for him if he ever wanted to get treatment and that I love him no matter what, Asperger's or no Asperger's.

I myself tend to be a very loving person. I liked to hug and kiss him a lot and I never realized that that probably bothered him. I also told him I loved him quite frequently and he'd always answer back, "I love you too." I never realized that probably bothered him too. I used to ask him to eat dinner with me almost every night (and sometimes with his friends, which bothered him) and now I feel so guilty that I was probably overwhelming him.

I went to see him about two days after the breakup, to tell him how much I love him and want to be with him and how I'm willing to compromise on anything to be in a relationship with him. I also apologized for ever overwhelming him in the relationship and told him how incredibly guilty I feel about it. His response was really awful and he couldn't stand still and had a MAJOR panic attack. In hindsight, I feel so horrible about doing that to him and I didn't realize being that emotional (even though it was good emotion) was going to affect him so deeply.  I'm totally in love with him and am miserable without him. Over Winter Break, I even flew down to visit him at his home and to meet his parents. They really liked me and kept remarking that I was really good for him, which makes this all even more painful for me.

What I'm posting for is to get some advice from both people with AS and any NT's that are here on how to salvage this relationship. I absolutely love this guy and it doesn't matter to me one bit that he Asperger's. I want to be there for him and support him and love him through it all, whether he decides to get treatment or not. I want to win him back but I don't know how. I'm miserable without him and I want him to realize how much I love him and want to be with him, without overwhelming him and driving him away from me, period. I'm in desperate need of advice and I will take any help I can get.

Sorry I haven't got any answers.  It's kind of like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DO1yFm-7Wow

Perhaps one of the NTs with an Aspie partner might have a suggestion.

Ya, where are all the NTs when you need one **?

I am single b/c of all the reasons you listed.  Just be patient & oblique, communicate via email, recognise early signs of strss & back off a bit when you notice them, and know that all relationships are difficult and full of compromise - it not just an Aspie thang.

Good luck!

The only advice I can give at the moment is to back off for a while and let him settle down. I'm one of the affectionate Aspies so don't understand the lack of affection thing but I also find it hard to cope with too much emotion at once. It's possible he has some worries with his studies.

I have an aspie friend who is probably more like "NTstudent's" boyfriend and he said if he went anywhere social, he easily got overloaded and needed anywhere from a few hours to several days to recover.

Hoping all will work out for the best, but I think this man would like more quiet time and could have been feeling somewhat "smothered".

Sorry to hear you guys are having problems. You're a good boyfriend for going this far.

I have AS and so did one of my exes. Neither one of us was diagnosed at the time though. We spent a lot of time together but didn't talk much. There wasn't much to say, we just thought alike and understood each other. Some of my behavior (and his) were like your bf except for the touching, I'm one of the affectionate ones

I'd suggest focusing more on the medical issues that often come with AS, that is what helped me the most. It will make a big difference and he'll feel much better too. That's the part of AS that most people ignore, including doctors. Things like coordination problems, weird sensory issues, headaches, blackouts, irregular heart rhythm, undiagnosed food intolerances and depression make the condition worse to live with.

In the end I dropped 40 pounds, got rid of many annoying symptoms, and got rid of several prescriptions. No thanks to most of the doctors I saw. Forget counseling, it won't help nearly as much. It's not a matter of psychology... his body is not eliminating toxins. My tests showed mercury, cadmium, lead, and a few other nasty things.

I won't go into details, since it would fill up several pages and you can find stuff online. Just search for Asperger's (or autism) and any one of these topics. I've done all of them myself. It's best to try or add these one at a time.

* Gluten free diet will make a big difference
* B vitamins (do not take while on antidepressants!)
* Magnesium and zinc supplements
* Oral chelation using DMSA (get rid of heavy metals)
* Probiotics (acidophilus)
* Dump any prescriptions
* Earplugs

Understanding the details of how and why these work is insanely complex. It almost takes a full-blown savant to grasp it all lol.

http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1G1-91155402.html
http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1G1-96416601.html

My last suggestion is, don't smother him too much. Being with you and doing things together may mean more to him than talking and touching. Don't pressure him to change routines or habits, try to learn them instead. Avoid large noisy crowds and overcaffeinated people

Depends what the prescriptions are - if you're on Effexor, for instance, stopping suddenly is the worst possible thing you could do.  I did that, and I do not recommend it.  It damn near killed me.

Welcome to the forums, Nomore!

Not sure what kind of reaction you're going to get if you suggest chelation, though - there's  quite a feeling against it here.  I haven't researched it enough to have an opinion, but the impression I get is that it is sometimes used on people who DON'T have heavy metal toxicity, just because they happen to be autistic, and that can be very dangerous.

Oh and if he has any metallic dental fillings, trust me, they should get replaced with something else.

For any skeptics, don't even get me started... I had mine drilled out and went home for an hour-long episode of symptoms from those vapors... GRR

Curious, but why avoid B-vitamins if you're on antidepressants...?

If that's a no-no, perhaps it's a part of my health problems...

You're right, I should not be sprinkling chelation around like a health fairy. Thanks for pointing that out. It should also be done with the help of a doctor (such as a naturopath) who has experience with both autism and chelation.

Autistic or not though, most people alive  now have been exposed to lead and cadmium. It's a matter of which bodies can eliminate them.

I stopped SSRIs gradually and switched to the B vitamins and minerals. I did overlap for a day and lost my temper (which was not unusual back then), but afterwards everything was fine and I didn't have SSRI withdrawal.

I overlapped them and nearly went WWF on some furniture. I knew I had to stop one of them, and had gained weight on the antidepressants.

Deficiency of B vitamins can cause depression, so taking both was probably overkill. SSRIs also deplete zinc and selenium, which are important for digestion and the intestines. I developed IBD after a couple of years on taking Zoloft, but with all these changes it's finally under control.

Oh boy. Look what I started. Well, those are the things that worked for me after 14 years of failed relationships and health problems. I'll stick with the short response then... sorry for the mess...

Don't smother him too much. Being with you and doing things together may mean more to him than talking and touching. Don't pressure him to change routines or habits, try to learn them instead. Avoid large noisy crowds and overcaffeinated people

Regardless of anyones feelings about heavy metal removal and chelation, it is entirely unrelated to autism.

If anyone feels that they are suffering from the effects of heavy metal poisoning, they should see a registered toxicologist immediately. This is what chelation is for, and it is the only thing chelation is for.

No actual toxicology specialist would recommend chelation for autism. You'll probably find non-specialists that will do so, the same way that you will find non-specialist psychologists that know nothing about aspergers.

My two cents are up. *grins*

If deficiency of B vitamins can cause depression, why is it a bad idea to take B vitamins with antidepressants and therefore make sure you don't have B-vitamin deficiency..?

I don't understand why the overlap would be bad for someone on SSRIs.  I need to know *why* otherwise I just don't buy it.

I think he was talking about the other way around - if his depression was caused by vitamin B deficiency, then there was no reason to take antidepressants...

I'm still confused.  I guess my brain is not working properly tonight.