Maybe this isn't the best time to post this, as I'm going on vacation Weds., but was wondering if any other parents of Aspie teens have the problem I do with Hope, which is she is terrified of growing up, getting taller, maturing. Tony Attwood does mention this as common amongst young female Aspies.

It causes problems at home for example:

1. She rolls her pants all the way up to her knee or higher because she thinks that makes her look shorter. I notice when I drop her off in the morning some kids chuckle at her behind her back. We have tried and tried to get her to believe us when we tell her she looks ridiculous, to no avail.

2. Yesterday she wouldn't shop for a new bra in the juniors/women's dept. but would only buy a bra in the girls section. She is 16, 103 lbs and about 5'5" tall!

3. She will only wear really flat shoes. That's ok, but even tennis shoes "hold her up too high" as she puts it.

4. I can't call her daughter- she insists on "girl child".

5. Strangers can't say things like "you're growing up" , "you're taller". She doesn't have a meltdown, but gets noticably bothered and asks to change the subject.

6. This is possibly unrelated, but she won't wear sandals 'cause she can't show her feet. I guess she feels her feet are ugly or something.

If you are a female Aspie and were like this growing up, let me know. Did you change? Did you finally relax about all this stuff? What emotionally is at the root of this mindset?

Hmm...

Why am I such a girl?

I never liked the thought of growing up to some big fella who would look alot more stupid when embarrassing himself than if he was smaller, or at least that was the kind of image I had in my head. I kind of considered it "safe" to be small, like I had always been.

And I don't like wearing shorts because I don't like feel of being exposed, but at least my parents usually respects that preference.

I am also very interested in hearing from Aspie girls on this subject because my 12 year old daughter also does not want to grow up and I need some input on how to help her adjust.  She acts immature for her age and constantly giggles at the least little thing, but those things aren't bothersome.  I sense a fear in her and I don't know how to alleviate that fear so any suggestions would be very welcomed.

I think I can relate to a lot of these things. Basically, I wasn't comfortable with growing up because I had no idea how to deal with that or what rules to follow. I had sort of started to figure out what being a girl was about, and now all the rules were constantly changing.

I dislike hearing things like "you've grown" and I always have. How is one supposed to respond to that? I suppose it would help if I understood what the point of saying it was. It was also frustrating hearing it because the people who said it would still treat me the same. So what was the point of saying something had changed? I just don't understand how that leads to conversation.

As a suggestion for dealing with rolling the pants up, you can show her other ways to not look so tall. Layered shirts of different lengths create horizontal lines that shorten the overall look. (like a tunic length tank top under a regular length t-shirt) I think this is also useful to look less 'sexy', so you can point that out if it might help. Slimmer pants that flare at the bottom shorten the legs, especially if they are a little overlong and paired with a long top. This is because the eye is drawn down by the flare. As long as you aren't standing by anyone else, sometimes low platform shoes can make a person look a little shorter, it does create a cute clunky look (a 'trying to look tall so she must not be' effect goes here).
I don't like to look tall or be taller. I'm used to looking up at people (at 5'3"), if I don't do that my perspective is off and everything feels weird. I take longer to recognize people if I wear taller shoes one day.

I've heard a lot of people who think their feet are ugly. Some of them just think feet in general are ugly. As far as I can tell it isn't uncommon.

For me the problem was understanding how to act in the new 'role'. When you grow up, things are constantly changing and it seems like no one really tells you the important things that are changing. I have no idea when this stops, I think it may never stop changing. It is very hard to figure out what one is supposed to do. How do you act around family now that you look like a teenager instead of a 6 year old? How do you act around friends? Do you talk about different things? Is that okay? Is it allowed? What parts of the store are you allowed in? I know it sounds odd, and I doubt anyone but me took the concept this way. I was terrified I would do something wrong when I "should have known better." Since I didn't have anyone explaining to me what I should have known, I was on my own for figuring out how to act and what everyone expected.

If I'm comfortable with a certain way of relating to the world, I'm going to want to keep that way. I'd have to be convinced there was something positive about taking on a new role and becoming someone a little different from who I was before. It would be a lot easier if I understood any of how things will change.

My very personal suggestion of what helped me deal with growing up and being okay with it was watching Miyazaki films. I recommend "the Cat Returns" and "Kiki's Delivery Service".

I hope any of this was helpful to you. I think the fear of change and growing up is always going to be there, for anyone. But you can give her some tools to help her deal with these fears.

I did this, sort of.

For me it was mostly not being in touch with changing fashions and what other girls were talking about, and as a result of that not being particularly interested in dressing grown up/sexy from an early age, like many girls are.  I didn't 'get' how I was suppsoed to dress.  I don't think I ever deliberately dressed younger, but to this day I still wear T-shirts, jeans and sneakers nearly everywhere, so it could look that way.  Plus there's your body changing, and a lot of Aspies dont' like change, so there's possibly some inherent trauma there, and by refusing to dress older, it's a way of denying the changes are taking place.

I resisted wearing a bra as long as possible, until nature and gravity intervened.  For me it was a combination of not wanting to wear one, and finding them very uncomfortable for (I think) sensory reasons.  I'm still very fussy, can't wear anything made of certain fabrics, with lace or wire, seams in the wrong place etc etc.  Similarly with shoes - I only wear flatties because I can't walk properly in heels, even little heels, and aren't comfortable in them.

I did a bit of funny dressing of my own, but my family never actually had the kindness to *tell* me I looked silly.  I grew out of it.  Eventually.

I don't recall any reluctance to grow up, but it did take me a bit longer than my peers. Perhaps one reason is that relationships suddenly become a lot more complicated as a teen and maybe she is trying to hold on to a simpler past.

And I did have my fair share of fashion disasters. I'm still not trendy or even stylish, but my sense of style has gotten better as I've gotten older.

As for bras, maybe you could look into the Victoria's Secret Pink line if she likes star prints and stuff like that. They are girly and I'm sure they would probably fit her better. The bras range from an A to C cup.  If you visit the store it's the most girly section there.

I also don't like elevated shoes because they mess up my already barely passable coordination. LOL  

However since I run, I've learned to like shoes that aren't so flat.

The only real advice I have is just to be there for her. Being a teenager sucks when you're an NT and even more so when you're not.

I was very confused growing up as well, and it didn't help that:

a) I was the oldest child in my family; and
b) I grew VERY fast - I was my full adult height of 5'7" at 14.

It is really hard to 'stay in the background' when you are the tallest girl in your class, as well as the oddest.

My parents were too strict/embarrassed to discuss 'teen culture' (if that's not an oxymoron ) and so I was baffled by the conversations of my peers as they changed subject from dolls to boys. I tried not to make the same mistake with my own kids, and instigated a family tradition called 'the rude half-hour'. (Called that because when they were younger it was all about the use of swear words)

The rules were:
Any of the kids could start it, but had to ask permission first. If the timing was awkward, they HAD to accept a deferment to a mutually convenient time and the adult would make sure the deferred half hour happened;
The adult would not be shocked or angered by anything the kids said;
No punishments would be meted out for anything said, e.g. swearing;
Anything said would not be held against the speaker;
No topic was taboo;
It ended EXACTLY half an hour after starting. We claimed that their dad and I would not remember anything said during 'the rude half-hour'.

During the 'the rude half-hour' anyone could:
Say any of the 'new words' they had learnt and ask for a definition;
Ask any question on any topic they liked and expect an honest answer;
Insult anyone they wanted to;
Just be silly.

I started this as a way of finding out exactly what was being discussed in the primary school playground without having to quiz them!

It became an hilarious diversion on long journeys, and was usually light-hearted - most six-to-eight-year-olds seem to love a chance to say poo-bum (or worse) a zillion times on the trot without being told off! But it gave me a chance to correct mis-information that they had picked up re. drugs, sex etc. without being the big, bad bossy mum.

Of course, outside 'the rude half-hour' they were still forbidden to swear or be rude and they accepted that such things upset a lot of people. Having that safety valve made the usual constraints on behaviour easier to bear. As they grew older one would sometimes come up to me and ask if they could privately have 'a rude ten minutes' if there was something that they wanted to discuss with me but weren't sure of my reaction in 'normal mode'.

I think I can 'empathise' with this situation. I did not have to put up with any change by these standards as I grew, I just looked and felt the same, but taller. I did not even appear to grow facail hair till quite late because I have very blond, fine hair, so I did not shave till I had left high school (or at least not often). In affect I got away with not 'changing' much about myself right up untill the present day, and I think girls strugle to do that (sadly). My opinion is that you should (over all) let your daughter be herself, and she will move on in each area as and when she is ready. Having said that, what do I know, I'm only a stupid boy, lol

I would like to anounce, winner of 'parent of the year award' Tigger_the_Wing!

I will email that to my older brother and his missus, as refernece for my niece, although she is currently only ten months

Ellen,

I'm not sure if I'm much help here as my fear of growing up turned into some sort of wierd obsession with it... I guess a special interest of some sort?

But I was the oldest of three girls and my younger sister was only one year behind me in school so I just usually did whatever she did... moreover, if she started doing something that I wasn't doing yet (shaving legs, wearing deoderant) I would start doing it... we always had bad sibling rivalry... plus she was quick to poke fun if I was doing something wrong. "You know everyone calls you a _________ because you don't do this right? You should start doing ________ instead."  It was harsh, but it did do the job...

But I'll agree with some of the other posters that part of the fear of growing up is not knowing where you "fit". Not knowing how to respond to adults anymore. I'll never forget when we went to visit family and my cousins started calling our aunts and uncles by their first names... I was so shocked.   I think it would have been much easier if I had gone to bed at thirteen and woke up a HS graduate... heck, college graduate.

I love the rude half hour... I am stealing it!

*blush*

Ellen--my Mom tells of a major meltdown I had when I was seven--how, when I saw our next door neighbor and babysitter all dressed up for her prom, I just would not stop crying, saying that I never wanted to grow up.  And teenage years were kind of hell. Mostly due to my Mom, unfortunately, who had definite IDEAS about how young ladies should behave.  She was rigid about my dress, insisted I curl my hair, neurotic about weight, wanted me to wear make-up so I'd "look my best", tried to socialize me into being demure--and I basically went from being a fairly happy carefree kid into a suicidal withdrawn teen.  

She gave up on the make-up thing around the time I turned 40!

LOL - are you my sister? My mum was EXACTLY the same - I was so relieved when my hubby (then fianc�) admitted that he doesn't like make-up either. Mum was always going on about my weight too. I was 5'7" and only 116lbs but that didn't stop her. My goodness, a BMI around 17 and she still made a fuss if she thought I'd gained a pound.

This made me laugh:

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=11...r=&cache=1

I really hope I'm not that kind of mum!

I didn't want to grow up either when I was a kid. I wanted to stay wearing girl clothes and I was upset I was very tall, I wore girl pants that were short on me, I refused to read higher grade level books and books for young adults and teens. I even regressed back to being a little kid. I went back to watching little kid shows when I was 12, and I tried to be young as possible. But I got over the fear of growing up when I was 13. Now all I have to worry about now is aging.

What made me fear of growing up was not being able to wear clothes anymore little kids wear and would have to wear boring clothes adults wear and teens wear. More responsibilities, being too old to play on the playground, going trick o treating, playing with toys, watching kids shows, etc. But now that I am a grown up I still watch kid shows sometimes and I like Disney movies. I play on the play ground on occasions but only when it's empty, no kids. I still sleep with juvinale sheets and blankets, I sleep with my baby blanket and stuff animal. You're never too old for videogames, going to the zoo, sleeping with a stuff animal and baby blanket, and you can still like kid stuff. I have heard of grown ups and seen grown ups liking kid stuff and Disney stuff. I don't care about age groups. I got tired of playing with toys and pretend play so I don't do that anymore. I spend my whole time watching TV and doing computer. if I ever have kids and if my child has fear of growing up, I'll be telling him/her they will get tired of playing with toys and get tired of playing on the playground and on toy equipment at some fast food restaurants such as McDonalds. They will see they can still have fun when they are adults. You will never be too old for videogames, going to the zoo, have a water fight, sleeping with your baby blanket or stuff animal and I will also tell them if they still want to watch kid shows they can and tell them I sure did and still do (if I still am at the time in the future).