If he does this when he's tired, don't talk about anything important when he's tired, and just let him rest.
He may be mentally exhausted and you want to chat, but you know he will react badly because he is tired, so maybe you could do something together that doesnt involve talking, like playing a video game, watch a dvd, or go to bed early so he can rest. It might help.

Some men get cranky when they are "in the mood" and they think you're not!  When my husband seems to be tired and testy, he's usually much more cheerful after some "sexual healing" (the title of a great song by Marvin Gaye).

That's a guy thing, not an Aspie thing.

I don't know how similar it is, but once in a while (sadly, doesn't happen especially often, as I seldom get a good opportunity) when I have been programming, intensely focused for quite a while, I end up in a state of hyperfocus where, just like during meditation, my sense "self" gets blurred. Manical is good description, altought I can feel somewhat maniacal as well. :lol:

When I end up in such a state, I certainly don't want it to be disturbed, which loss of focus inevitably results in; it is a quite fragile state. Few things are as distracting as conversations (the presence of someone who talks is enough), and if someone ruined it, I would be very annoyed. (and I don't doubt that I would become raging mad if it happened many times in a row)


Also, as I get increasingly tired, I find speaking increasingly tiresome and annoying. Having to say something I'm not intrested in, like an answer to a question of any topic I don't want to discuss at the moment, eventually becomes a very irritating burden, and I try not to say a single word more than absolutely needed. If I on top of that happen to be sleep-deprived (it is much, much worse then), I find many voices, particularly many female ones, very annoying to listen to. (as annoying as, and actually quite similar to, having some incredibly uncomfortable clothes rub against your skin for some time. you eventually feel like tearing them off on the spot and destroying them in a violent manner. the difference here is that the only way to stop the itch is to shut up the one speaking, who will likely respond to your every response)

I agree with the hyperfocus theory.

I tend to do physical things and tune out the world and daydream about
something unrelated to the physical task. Like I could do simple operations
on a machine tool like a lathe over-n-over on auto pilot while thinking
about say an invention I was working on. If somebody was to say anything
at all to me I would loose focus(on my daydream) and not like that. If
you said something remotely critical I would be very upset. No question
when I'm tired it would be more upsetting. Myself I never take a critical
comment the right way at first. But I'm honest and usually understand
much later people usually were not meaning things in a negative way.
The problem is before I get to the "much later" I might throw  20 lbs blocks
of steel across the building, say alot of bad words, then move to the
most remote location in the building and work on some other task.

I also get annoyed sometimes by conversation and other interruptions, such as the telephone ringing, when I am trying to stay focused on a particular task.

Mild criticism might not bother me at other times, but it seems much more annoying than usual if I am tired and just had my train of thought interrupted.

"If I want to discuss minor issues about which I am only slightly disappointed or upset, he reacts by telling me I am "mean" or "hostile". He gets totally offended and demands that I apologize."

The when and where of the discussion is more annoying than the issues themselves.  If they are just minor issues, then why bother discussing them?  If you can take care of them, just do it.  If it is for nagging like "you left the towel on the floor again", etc - just pick it up or leave it there.  

I just think everyone should have premarital counselling - because nagging is just bad for everyone.  

If you need to remind him of something important - make a note for him, phone him and leave a message or get him to put it in his day-timer etc.  Some aspies are absent-minded but you might have to learn to accept it rather than try to change him.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperfocus

From personal/relational experience as an Aspie with an ADD partner, and professionally as a clinical social worker-

I completely agree with both the advice to wait until he's not tired and to not try to bring up small things while he's in hyperfocus or just finishing hyperfocus.
One way you may approach this would be to ask him (sometime when he is not in either of the above situations) what times work best for him, or what signs he could help you identify to know when would be a bad/good time. Also, he may have some ideas about better/worse ways to approach this- would he prefer writing, many things at once or just one at a time, or E-mails? Would a list of what is bothering you help him to be able to avoid such things?

One other thing to keep in mind with people with Aspergers, especially those of us who weren't identified as such until adulthood, is that we have faced a lot of unfair criticism that doesn't make sense to us or is about stuff that is beyond our control. So our defenses are often up at minor criticism, at least until we can figure out if it's accurate or really a problem. But, there are lots of ways to get around this:
-Don't criticize unless absolutely necessary
-Prioritize your criticism, and question yourself before you bring up anything that's not a high priority (dangerous, beyond your ability to tolerate, or something that he's previously agreed to)
-Rather than criticizing, try bringing it up as a problem to be solved. You could try something like:
   -I'm wondering if you could help me to strategize about something. I have trouble entering the bedroom because the dirty clothes are piled up in the doorway. How can we solve this problem so that you don't have to do any more work you don't like to do, and I can enter the bedroom safely?
  ***There are several advantages to this, assuming that you can convey genuineness about wanting to problem solve. Many AS people enjoy puzzles and problem solving. Also, it takes the blame away. Plus, many common home management and NT ways of doing things just simply don't work for AS brains, but often there are other ways to do things that work better for us.

One other thing... one part of our relationship that we had to figure out that cut our fighting drastically was that there were simply times that I needed "alone time," and I needed to communicate that clearly and my partner needed to respect that. Planning ahead is a good idea when possible, for example, after a long day of social activity, many AS people will likely do better with some alone time.
Also, we've found it helpful for both of us to have a code word for when an argument needs to stop immediately. When I'm overstimulated or too worked up about something, I can't think or talk or listen. So, when I reach that point, if I say "I'm all done" and stop talking, that's the code to be done with the argument for the time. If it's important, it can be continued later, but it's destructive to continue past the point when someone is feeling so overwhelmed that they can't input/output any more.

I hope some of this was helpful. I'm glad that you're trying to figure out a solution.
-Jay

While I mostly agree with the suggestions and analysis, my opinion is that they are a
little too AS centric. I have had the same behaviour for a number of years, and I have
seen the same behaviour in my father for more than 10 years.

Asking the other to adapt and "understand" how I feel in a specific moment simply does
not work, because it becomes a request to guess how I feel. That is: every time the other
wants to talk to me he/she has to stop, and think, and guess, and bring up a rationale.
That is too much, it leads to anxiety and frustration. I could not stand it when other
people demanded that to me.

AS or not, I do not have "the right" to ignore the other, or to react badly for little
things, or to demand the other to tolerate my bad mood.

If I do not want to talk about something I have to ask if "PLEASE can we talk about it
later?". The use of calm voice and the little magic word is required; I owe them to a
person that is trying to accept me.

I have seen where excess of demanding has led my father/mother interaction. Some days
I wish they had divorced. And my father now is only capable of saying "I am not responsible",
but he is. That is the truth. Exactly because is has refused to understand his own
behaviour and discharged the load on my mother's shoulders.

There are females who will destroy their identity rather than break up a relation, and
we have to respect their weakness. This is part of being a man. It is not that years later
we will be happy if we do not do it.

I recognize the part on hyperfocus. Sometimes when my mom intrudes and asks me for something or wants me to do something else, like to come and eat dinner, I either just say 'yes yes later' and stay at what I was busy with or I get frustrated/angry/annoyed. It could also be related to changing from one focus to another, I sometimes get angry when I have to switch activity (for example when I need to go to university or work and I was just working on something on the computer). Afterwards I don't mind, but the switching itself annoys me and sometimes I hurt myself when I am really upset because I need to switch. It does help then though, to get the frustration out, and then I am also quicker (otherwise sometimes it's very chaotic in my mind and I am very nervous and cannot think and act properly/quick/systematically)

very familiar too! criticism itself also upsets me and indeed a lot with stuff I feel is beyond my control (especially when I try being spontaneous and it's 'kicked down'). And also, I tend to misinterpret it as being an attack/hostility/rejection of who I am. This is nasty stuff. I think it has to do with bad experiences maybe. Maybe also predisposition, or as I read once, that aspies have problems understanding 'what you do' is something else than 'who you are' so this might lead to hypersensitivity to criticism (criticism is interpreted as rejection of you as a person and as the antithesis or denial of love) this then leads to much pain which can come out as anger. I do have a tendency to feel really hurt by criticism. Especially some forms of it, but also in some situations more, especially if I feel the other 'walks over my feelings' or 'doesn't understand me' by attacking me on sensitive issues or while I am trying to express myself on sensitive issues, then I can really get furious. Because I really feel very deeply hurt then (and I cannot show hurt very well so it comes out in anger)

I am also curious... are there more of you sensitive to criticism or reactions of others like this? My psych said that my sensitivity to criticism is a contra-indication to autism. eg proof of not being autistic... could this be true or is she just old-fashioned in her criteria?!?

Yes, you sound exactly like my father, and me too for a while.

I know I can be hyper-sensitive to criticism.  Even to this day, it's one of the surest ways to get me crying (also, frustration).  I don't think I cry easily, but I have a few buttons that can be pushed...  This is especially true if the criticism came from someone for whom I have a great amount of respect; I suppose I do take it personally, and see it as a decreased value judgement of me by this person.

Also, I know I too am prone to taking the smallest negative comments from my fiancee as again, personal attacks.  I'm sure that the severity of my response depends on my mood, which is usually linked to the amount of stress I'm under... and I know I hyperfocus more when I'm stressed over something.

My opinions may not be valid for all aspies... I havent been formally diagnosed, but I test pretty high on the various scales and had the strangest childhood...

I can get like this quite frequently and lose control of myself often. But i have not got a girlfriend and some of the comments i hear are awful. You will never get a girlfriend you Geek/Freak. And i just think oh well its them not me.

Oh!  He's a programmer.  So am I.  I had never heard of "hyperfocus" before I read this thread, but I've experienced it often.  I seldom am able to hyperfocus on programming anymore because I'm bored with it.  I get distracted from it easily at work and it a bit of a problem for me.  Different subject.

However, when I get in a state of hyperfocus, don't talk to me.  One time I was working on a car of mine (a new object of obsession) and a friend and neighbor came over to see what I was doing, as he is also interested in cars.  I was in the middle of doing something that was really difficult and absorbing. (I'm not naturally mechanically inclined.)  He was talking to me and I just didn't want to talk to him.  I was busy.  Of course, I didn't say so like a decent person might, I just didn't pay any attention to him and answered him in short, tight replies. So, he left.

As soon as I was finished with that task, I went over to his house to visit with him.  His wife told me that her husband was upset and told her that we had an arguement.  What??!!!  I was just busy.  Luckily, he's an easy going, and forgiving NT, and I was able to tell him that I didn't mean to upset him.  I was just really focused on what I was doing and didn't want to stop just then.  I just put that in my mental folder.  "Be careful about NT's feelings when you are busy."  

However, unlike the BF of the author of this thread, I didn't insult him.  Hyperfocus might be an explaination for his behavior, but not an excuse.  He has no reason to call her names and be impolite.  

And I agree with everyone who said to not talk to him when he is like that.