Aspies For Freedom

Oh yes! A common thread among Aspies is the inability to cope with criticism. The magnitude of it of course varies from person to person. For example - I myself cope when the criticism is constructive and I can learn something from it. But if it's destructive (and there have been examples of this on this very forum unfortunately) then I'll lash back in self defence.

That's what it is, Michael. Self defence.

As far as what do to about it is concerned - in the workplace that's a hard one. It entirely depends on the boss. Most bosses would tell you to just ignore it, but when NT's (generally speaking) know which buttons to press to get you upset that becomes impossible. Bullying in the workplace - which is what this is - is something that not a lot of lawmakers show enough respect for. If the boss won't do anything about it, for your own psychological safety you have to find another job and get the heck out of there ASAP.

But if the family is giving you grief as well - that's even worse! I haven't experienced that (my family's been fantastic) so I'm not in a position to suggest what to do, except maybe to say that you should avoid family gatherings - and if they pressure you to attend, tell them straight up "Stop winding me up". And mean it.

Hope that helps!

Sorry to hear you are going through this. If you are getting criticism the first thing to do is to listen to whether or not it has any validity. Constructive or otherwise the people criticising my be giving you an opportunity to grow in a better way or they may be just causing you grief.

If you assess that they are just causing you grief think of their motivation. Anything you could have possible upset them doing to "take it out on you"? If you still draw blanks you are probably justified in striking back.

The desired effect of a bully is too undermine you. Do not let that happen. If possible seek to undermine them. No one enjoys that, but bullies least of all. Insults thrown at you readily are not usually as easily received but the perpetrator.  It is always best to keep a sense of composure too.
Michael you seem like a nice bloke and don't need to take crap.

In NT lingo I would tell you to first "pocket your reaction" for a later, safer time if you can. (i.e. if you can delay the emotional onslaught, do, ...at least until you are in a private place).  This may reduce the number of people who attack you and your work for the affect rather than out of any valid criticism.

I also think working on your own sense of self esteem and self worth will help...taking on an overall perspective whereby you measure yourself to and by your standards rather than by outside ones will get you there. Determine what is your reasonable best in any situation and always work to it. People who have internal measures generally fair better than those who are dependent upon society for approval.

Finally, you might want to focus on better communication. I say this because I know difficulty in/ miscommunication is somewhat a part of AS at times ... and I am reading off/ or rather into your comment about  "If I receive criticism or complaint from someone like my Manager or family member's for something I have or haven't done in the way they expect I should have done it".  Is it a matter of miscommunication?  If so, then subtley teaching them how to more effectively communicate with you may be of help.  Simply telling them how you interpretted the instruction and how you would have needed to hear it to interpret it as they intended might help. I learned this from my husband. What I think I'm saying and what he hears are often two entirely different things. Said slightly differently often gives you an entirely different result.

and finally... don't be so hard on yourself.  A lot of people, both NT and AS are sensitive to criticism. Your sensitivity comes from the fact that you want to please people and get whatever you are doing  right in the first instance.  Hence its source is actually a very admirable trait.

May you find peace within

Mom of Hrick

oh my god! just a few days ago, my mom complained and yelled at me because i was being too honest to her. she asked me one dumb question "does my hair start a little far back?" i was like, "yeah a little." and she said "you're so mean!" wtf? then an hour later, she was like "I really don't appreciate your honesty! honesty isn't always the best! learn to be less honest! there are times when you do things that i despise, bu i just don't want you to get insulted!" this made me run straight up to my room and burst in tears. I LOATHE my mom's yelling! I mean yeah, i know i'm not supposed to be honest all the time. i don't point out bad things about my friends, because most of them are very minor and mean nothing to me. I learned to be more tolerant of those who hold stronger religious beliefs than i. or don't love animals as much as i do. and i never gave a damn if some people are a overweight. besides, i think many chubby people can look good, too. and my mom's slight front baldness means nothing to me, either. but, my f***ing god! don't ask questions if all you want is one stupid lie. and most of all DON'T YELL AT ME! yelling makes me cry and contemplate assault to whoever did it.

sorry, i'm still angry at myself and my mom and and the whole situation. but i know it will shed off in a week or two. after all, my half-birthday is coming up!

I have a mind to tell you that it is all your Mum's fault and not to worry about it. The truth though is I do similarly and hurt the people I love by being honest. (Even now at 36). I do understand. I do sympathise cause I know what it feel like. My advise is to accept that this is part of you and forgive yourself. Hell of a lot of worse traits in a human than being too honest.

I can upset people without being honest:-

When my wife asks ‘does my bum look big in this?’
I say ‘do you want an honest answer?’

She looks at me, frowns and goes to try something else on.

And I don’t even get the chance to be honest…

*Curious*

It can be really important to learn it's okay to be wrong.  Once that idea sinks in, criticism doesn't feel as bad.

You know which I would go for here Batman55. The later. I was silly and stubborn enough to still be getting into fisticuffs at the drop of a hat into my early thirties. Live and learn.

Control! There's my buzz word right there! After all the lack of control I had before my DX of Aspergers, I'm playing catch up with it because I know what I'm dealing with.

Maybe that little point might explain to a few people in here why I am so adamant on certain issues (not speaking of any in particular of course). Control - in the old brain box.

Letting go of control. Yeah that is a biggie. I can relate. Pride comes before a fall, is what I was always told and always ignored. LOL.
The problem is when you mistake rightness for righteousness. Being assertive with being aggressive. Self-awareness with self-centeredness, Opinion with Fact. These things are small differences in the scheme of things but make big differences.
It is learning the differences that really make a person.
You said it took you a long time and a traumatic journey to get there. I am so glad you made it.
BTW welcome aboard. Well met!

My old boss got me to oneside (before I got ill) told me off because I texted him asking if he had any ideas of what to get a colleague for his 30th birthday, he just had some disappointing news about promotion said that I was being insensitive because I did not say hey mate sorry you didn't get the job!  Then he said everyone was noticing how insensitive I was becoming, hell I freaked and started crying! I always freakout, I never see what I have done wrong, usually nothing.  Had a lot of these criticism's coming my way when I was hypomanic and afterwards, one particular one I had a mega tantrum freak out insisting I did not want that shit being analysed I was bloody ill! I read somewhere that negative criticism if useless for us, that so true with me.  I never tend to criticise other's hate confrontation can't handle it.

I asked one of my work collegues if she could tell me honestly why I received the complaints and criticism I do. I have worked with her all the time I have been there so she knows well how I work. She told me honestly that I don't help myself by being quite negative about my job and the work environment and the volume of people, etc. She said that by doing this and by acting in an uninterested or reluctant to work manner I simply make matters worse for myself by attracting negative attention. I am generally bored or frustrated most of the time. So the next day I didn't complain about anything and a few days latter I told her she had been correct. Equally, rather than play into the hands of the managers I have tried to be more assertive with them in order that their opportunities to be negative about me are reduced. By trying to be positive I can therefore be more critical of their attitude towards me. So far it is working. I know my collegue doesn't like seeing me being put down in this way and I am pleased she was honest with me. Ultimately it is about taking better care of myself in the kind of situations where I am vulnerable to encounter problems.

Great to hear mate. Clever and brave of you to ask her and what a top girl to tell you honestly.

Actually the posts since your last two posts were nothing to do with your take on things I believe they were Michael's closure from his original post at the start of the thread and my expressing commendations for him being resourceful enough to get out of his comfort zone and met the challenge head on and get success.
Where are you getting any inference that the posts in any way reflect negatively on you.
Another question is Michael has posted that he has found a solution to an area of his life that was posing his a great deal of stress and anxiety and due to his autism. How do you feel about this? Do you want to comment on his success here or offer his congratulations?

Thanks very much rossco! I really do believe that the only way to get through life is to tough out every situation. I seek help where I can but ultimately I am the only one who can resolve my issues. I take on board all positive thoughts and advice and like to let people ( like yourself ) know when that advice helped. It is easy to play the victim or the sufferer. In reality my life is fairly trouble free. In the areas in which I struggle I see it more as a challenge than something to give up on. I won't allow bad managers to force me out of a well paid job so I have to adapt to new situations. Most people I tell I have AS are actually really surprised that I am working and doing the kind of job I do. Thats something I'm proud of. But it takes alot out of me, but it allows me to be financially secure and independant. That is what makes me feel good about myself.