What questions bother you, and yet get asked nearly every day by family members, friends, or employees? Mine are:
-What are you doing?
-How was school?
-Are you okay?
-Are you bored/tired/hungry?
-How was your weekend?
-Did you have a good lesson?
-Did you make any friends there?
-How are you doing (if asked every day)
How are you doing?
I find this very annoying when asked by strangers, I am not sure why. Get some new conversational gambits, people. I even made a game of trying to 'distract' people before they asked it, as I knew it was coming, by trying to divert them from it.
I don't mind when people I know ask me, as it is not a usual thing, it won't be asked every single time.
Saying "How are you doing?" makes sense if you are sincerely concerned about that.
So very few people really care how you are doing. They ask because they feel it is polite. It is considered rude not to say something to some one.
Meaningless questions are easily dispensed with by equally meaningless responses. Keep a handy stash of easy answers for stupid questions and use them liberally.
Examples:
"Great! It's a great day!"
"Same old same old, you know."
"Well, I do what I do when I do it."
As canned and meaningless as the questions. Save your pearls for non-swine -- most people are perfectly happy with dime store paste and are not sure what to do with pearls. You can get away with saying almost anything if you smile or manage a little laugh at the end. Better to be thought silly than unfriendly.
I hate when my mom says, "Did you learn something new?" whenever I come home from school. I always reply to this with something like, "I learned that Jake wore a thong to school."
They ask "how are you?" and walk away. They don't even want to know the answer.
"Ivar (my name), just do it!"
...
Some guy had a knack for saying that at random occasions some time ago. It didn't really mean anything specific ofcourse.
"How's it goin'?" is what I say in the chatrooms when I want to start a conversation but I just don't know what it is supposed to be about. When I'm asked How are you? I say that I feel superb, excellent and magnificent ofcourse
What annoys me on a daily basis is those mothers, with compassionate faces. They see my youngest playing outside and worryingly ask about my eldest.
Well she's doing fine. Don't bother. She's OK F*** Off.
Or they want to know what my husband is doing. It's not their business. Get lost!. Or when they sense there might be something like a problem come at your door with this strange smile. Go away, Go away.
And of course the idiotic question almost daily from some women, what are you going to eat this evening. They don't ask it for inspiration, I'm fine with that. But just as.... They can ask it at 10 am!!! And they do it again and again, even if my answer is "I don't know" again and again.
OK I have to admit. It is almost always the same women again and again. Except when they want to know about my daughter. And now the children of this women are starting to do the same as their mother. They drive me crazy.
Oh, and I did tell I did not need her listening ear. That I like to be on my own and don't want her at my door everyday. It did help a little.
In General:
"How are you?" or "What's up?"
To which I reply "I'm OK" or "Nothing much".
While thinking to myself "Why do you care? What good would it do me to tell you about whatever negative emotion I am probably feeling right now? Are you prepared to sit down and waste a half hour of my time while I ramble on about my personal problems?"
At Work:
"By any chance, would you happen to have/know...?"
Where I work, I am a supplier of parts, equipment, and information. Whenever someone wants something from me they always start out like that, and it's beginning to get on my nerves. I think they talk like that to subconsciously display innocence and submission since they respect me for my skills, but I have a reputation for wanting to be undisturbed and for smashing stuff when I lose my temper. :evil grin:
If the questions are not of value in themselves, think of them as radio call-signs. They may say nothing but "I'm here and I'm interested", but they may be intended to open, or keep open, the social "radio channel" between you, in case it is needed.
Also think of it as swapping attention. NT people need a certain amount of attention from others on a regular basis, classically autistic people may not need any.
Play their game if you want to be nice.
As I was younger, the question 'How are you' was always challenging. It took me some minutes to answer it thoroughly, even when asked on the street. There is the body health status, the mental and the emotional states. Maybe even some hopes or fears involved. And to explain a certain feeling that was important at the moment, some background story had to be provided as well sometimes.
Now, I give them a short smile and either start a conversation directly if I am interested, or just go on with a little nod.
Well, I do what I do when I do it.
I'm going to start using that one... its clever in its complete roundness and absurdity. As ridiculous as the question!
I hated it at soccer camp, I pulled my thigh and literally every five minutes somebody would ask me "How's your leg?!" "how's it feeling?!" "can you run now?!" or some stupid question. These questions are hard for me to answer because my leg REALLY hurts like a cast iron bitch but then again I have an extremly high tolerance for pain...so my brain just got all confused on what to reply.
Be warned, Sarah, that people on the spectrum can find that response very annoying. My 10-year-old would angrily admonish me, "Mom, that doesn't mean anything." To which I invariably replied, "Don't be silly. It means what it means when it means it." All kinds of verbs can be plunked into this little formula, giving some measure of satisfaction to the casual speaker and driving my son to distraction. He doesn't protest as much as he used to. Now 12, he sometimes just makes a dissatisfied vocalization -- sort of a grunt/growl. Soon he will be able to ignore it altogether. Whether he chooses to play the chitchat game or not, at least he is learning to recognize the formula. I have explained that it makes other people happier and more comfortable, and that I want people around me to feel happier and more comfortable; that the casual speaker is not as concerned with 'what" you say as they are that you have spoken. Because he respects my motives, he has far greater understanding and respect for such social niceties than I had at his age. (I just thought people were stupid.) He still chooses not to play the game, though -- at least not yet.
When people would ask me how I was doing or something similiar to that, I'd reply, "Fine, thank you. And you?" It's easy, turning people's words on them. Plus it's kind of manipulating the person's words. I'm perfectly fine to myself, I'm a position that I can deal with it, therefore I'm fine for their information. Perhaps with all the physical problems, emotional stuff, I'm not fine, but overall, I'm coping so I'm fine. Also, the ones who normally ask you the question could care less on how you were doing and so 'fine, thank you. And you?' normally shuts them up.
If a person would ask me, "what's up?" I'd reply, "the ceiling." So now most people know not to ask me stupid questions like that.
Then again, conversations with me never really go anywhere...