Aspies For Freedom

hi everyone,
just wondering if anyone had any suggestions about how to handle challenging bahavoiur of my recently diagnosed five year old daughter.  She seems to find it most difficult when we're in new environments.  I'm not sure how I should handle it - I don't want to get cross with her, but it can be very frustrating.
thanks

It would help to know in what way her behavioris challenging... basically... more details please.

I'm no parent so maybe I shouldn't be posting here. Just thought I'd mention what helps *me*, is for someone to describe in advance what I'm going to be seeing and doing and a general idea of how much time it should take. Then when I'm there, I like to have time to take it all in and get settled. I like to have something familiar with me. It also helps to compare it to similar places or experiences of the past.

As an adult, if I have to go to a work meeting, it helps for me to go in advance when the meeting room is empty and get used to the room when it is empty of people. Another thing I do is find photos on the internet of the rooms inside the hotel where I will be staying, the pictures of the restaurants, photos of streets. Seeing all those things in advance on the computer screen help lessen anxiety about new places.  

So the conversation could go something like this: "Tomorrow, after breakfast, we are going to go to a store to buy you some pretty shoes.  There will be lots of tall shelves full of shoes and little stools to sit upon to try them on. We will be back home before lunch. Here are pictures of what a shoe store looks like inside. It will be fun!"

A couple reminders about a planned trip isn't a bad idea. If your destination doesn't have a website of pics, you can get similar photos of all kinds of things (such as the inside of a shoe store with those towering shelves filled with jumbles of color) from Google Images.

When she is a bit older and can read write her very brief "social stories" about where you will be going, who you will be meeting, the trip's goal, the environment (loud, busy, etc.).

We used these for a brief period when our daughter was in middle school. Google "social stories" and "Asperger's" on the internet. Someone/some organization has compiled them in a book or on the net somewhere I believe. We wrote our own.

With my daughter I sometimes made a 'worst case' scenario;

Like, Sinterklaas (Santa) will be coming to pre-school soon. He's a dressed up man. He will hand out presents. He'll have his servants with him. They are dressed up aswell. They are meant to act weird. Some children are afraid of Santa or of his servants. You don't have to be. He's a dressed up man. But many children are. If you are afraid its OK!!! You can go to the teacher, or one of the two parents that will be there. They will comfort you.

Two days before the party the teacher came to us, advising to keep her at home for the party. She didn't want to stay at home. She had prepared herself to go, so she would go. And she did not panic. But she did not unwrap her present before she was home, safe and sound.

With my daughter its very important to give her some control for herself. You can't always predict how a situation will be. And if its different from what I said it would be, we're in trouble. So I only give the details I'm sure of, and I tell why it is that we are going to do what we're going to do.

Silky - on the contrary, you should post more often.  Your post advice was excellent here. Very helpful suggestions.

Mom and Hrick

Silky, thank you for your great advice.  I guess because the diagnossis is still so new, I'm still getting used the idea that it's importnat to include as many details as possible about where we're going and what we'll be doing.  It's all about a mind shift in some ways.  I will defnitely try and find photos of where we go, if it's possible.
thank you again.

Marieke,
What sometimes happens is that we'll be somewhere, like a new playground or the museum and my daughter seems to become overwhelmed by everything around her.  So she'll get very upset if we don't try something or look at something, even when it's not possible because you have to pay extra to enter a special exhibition and we can't afford it, or if another child is on the equipment in the playground and my daughter finds it difficult to wait.  She then expresses her frustration by crying and/or demanding that 'thing' and so on.  It then becomes very difficult to console her or explain that it's sometimes not possible to see or do some things.

Ellen,
thank you for the advice.  I have recently found out about social stories so it's great that it's psosible to get them on the net as well as in a book form.

you're welcome!

Hi Carmen,
In addition to the advance notice, discussing what to expect, and social stories, we have done role-play with some success.  The behaviors do improve as they get older and have a broader range of experiences to draw upon.  It has been over a year now since I have carried my screaming daughter (now 7) away from a situation.  

An important thing is that you stick with your "no."  Once you have said "no" to something do not change it no matter what.  Consistency is very important.  Eventually, you can appeal to logic, ie, "Have I ever changed my mind once I've told you something?"  There are also ways to say "no" without actually saying "no."  For example, "not today" or "maybe later."

Another idea that I really liked is the choice ball.  This is a small ball with the word "choice" written upon it.  A child embarking on meltdown is handed the ball and told that once a decision has been made the ball is in his/her court.  They get to choose how to deal with the decision and any outcomes from the way they choose to deal with it are entirely on them.  Once the dialog has been established, the parent need only hand the ball to the child and the ball symbolizes without a word the entire conversational process.

Hi grizeldatee,

I'm intrigued, but can't make an image of what your telling.
Does it mean you tell your child that now he or she is in control of the situation?

I would like it to mean that.

Yes, hyke, it is a simple way of giving children ownership of their actions.  Quietly and unobtrusively letting them know that it is up to them where things are going -- "we're at a crossroads, kid, which way do you want to go?"  By the time they are old enough for this strategy they have been there enough times to know which actions bring which consequences, provided this has been consistent.  They aren't stupid, and something about physically handing them the situation has a great calming and focusing effect.  My personal experience of this state of mind is that it is almost a siege mentality.  Some one trying to reason with you or explain something to you is just more sensory input, it feels like an attack. It is hard not to roll my eyes at parents trying to reason with a kid in total meltdown.

I am so encouraged to see the young man my 12-year-old is becoming.  When I consider the total recalcitrance we were sometimes faced with a mere 5 years ago and look at this guy who understands his abilities and limitations and navigates even complex situations rather well.  He will decide for himself that he needs to go someplace quiet and rest, and usually excuses himself quite courteously.  It makes me very hopeful for the other two.  Of course, every kid is different, so I try not to have expectations.

I think that choice ball is an excellent idea! (and would also be useful for some non-aspie children with challenging behaviour)