07-09-2007, 09:36 PM
Hello to everyone. This is going to be quite a long post so apologies in advance!
My name is Ali, age 41 and have been married to hubby now for 17 years, together 20. We have a daughter of 13 and a son of 11. Our son was diagnosed age 3 with autism moderate/severe - started in mainstream nursery with full time support, went to an MLD school until age 8 and then we won a fight with authorities to get him into an autism specialist school and he is doing pretty well and is happy. Our son has quite challenging behaviour and self injures, bites his hands and hits himself.
As my son has been growing up, for the last several years I have noticed strong autistic traits in my husband, he is 44. Our marriage has deteriorated quite badly with all the strain of coping with our son and we are getting couple counselling to help us find some way forward for us all as a family and together. Its been a terribly tough time and the strain has been enormous. My own mental health has deteriorated too. My history is I had post natal depression after my son was born, had a breakdown, went into hospital for 3 weeks totally collapsed. Since then I have been on various anti depressants. I have had relapses where I have just wanted to be taken into hospital for a complete rest, but was always sent home again. Our children were both big babies at 10lbs! and I had 2 c-sections. We tried for 5 years to have our daughter, we never thought we would have children as I had polycystic ovaries and was on various fertility drugs - again the strain was great. I fell naturally with our son.
I had a total hysterectomy 2 years ago this September age 39 as my hormones have played havoc with me since my son was born. We went on a weekend break with the children and on the way home in a restaurant my daughter turned to me and said "mum they are so alike arent they, both in their own worlds". I then cracked completely when home and cried for 3 days straight. I was then given a "waking" diagnosis of Bipolar Affective Disorder last May shortly after this happened, was given mood stabilisers and taken off an anti depressant which they felt had triggered the hypomania symptoms - I was 4 days straight hypomanic.
I guess I could write a book here really, but won't put you through that agony right now! ANYWAY my husband in the meantime was flatly refusing to believe he was AS and of course by this time I had become quite an expert on the subject of autism because of my son. I saw the cracks in our marriage, the reasons why he did this and that etc.
SO.......3 months ago our daughter came to me in tears and told me she had self injured (had marked her wrists with the end of her acne cream tube) and that she didnt know why. I was calm, inside I was terrified, we talked, I hugged her, reassured her, felt guilty I had let her down and not given her the attention she has needed over the years because of my son. On a positive note, our daughter is an extremely talented artist. She expresses herself through her art and music. Just recently she has come to me again and broke down and showed me her wrist, all 54 marks on them, some raised some not. She has been wearing wrist bands to cover them. She has big self image problems, feels she is overweight, ugly, has braces and acne. She says she feels different from her friends (she has been bullied, even in primary school) and I always had this sense too of her struggling to fit in.
Then all the pieces of the puzzle started to fit together. My husband and daughter have huge very long conversations, they click, they understand one another completely, share the same interests etc. When this latest self injury stuff came out my husband and I were arguing terribly, he could see how she was, her creativity, her need to be obsessed with this very dark, EMO, rock band and how she can express her emotions though them. He has even been singing the songs with her! In my eyes the lyrics (and this is true) speak of murder, blood, death, guns, black, suicide, "don't self harm" is their motto, vampires - well the whole lot basically.
I had had enough and flew a fit. I brought her computer downstairs and set it up in the back room and she screamed and actually hit me and said you have taken my whole life away, you don't trust me, I hate you, how could you do this to me........it was scarey and shocking to see her this way and I think she was shocked too that I had suddenly become empowered for the first time. I then suddenly realised she needed all these things but was too upset to make sense of it all. I was and am scared for my daughter. I feel she is NT/AS, she says she hates to be touched/hugged and all the other stuff about not fitting in and wanting to be in her room 24/7, she is a computer whizz too. She is seeing a school counsellor but from the outset of the self injury our GP and I wanted her to go to child & adolescent mental health services, but she seems ok with the school counsellor for the time being.
So......the most sensible conversation happened with me and my husband. He admitted he had problems and felt he could have AS but not full blown. He even agreed to see Maxine Aston with me! I was flabbergasted and so relieved, at last recognition. He said he was deeply unhappy, felt he couldnt make me happy however hard he tried etc.
Sorry, have gone on too long..........I am here in need of much support and understanding - I have felt so very alone for so long I don't really quite know how I have actually survived.
Thanks, Ali
My name is Ali, age 41 and have been married to hubby now for 17 years, together 20. We have a daughter of 13 and a son of 11. Our son was diagnosed age 3 with autism moderate/severe - started in mainstream nursery with full time support, went to an MLD school until age 8 and then we won a fight with authorities to get him into an autism specialist school and he is doing pretty well and is happy. Our son has quite challenging behaviour and self injures, bites his hands and hits himself.
As my son has been growing up, for the last several years I have noticed strong autistic traits in my husband, he is 44. Our marriage has deteriorated quite badly with all the strain of coping with our son and we are getting couple counselling to help us find some way forward for us all as a family and together. Its been a terribly tough time and the strain has been enormous. My own mental health has deteriorated too. My history is I had post natal depression after my son was born, had a breakdown, went into hospital for 3 weeks totally collapsed. Since then I have been on various anti depressants. I have had relapses where I have just wanted to be taken into hospital for a complete rest, but was always sent home again. Our children were both big babies at 10lbs! and I had 2 c-sections. We tried for 5 years to have our daughter, we never thought we would have children as I had polycystic ovaries and was on various fertility drugs - again the strain was great. I fell naturally with our son.
I had a total hysterectomy 2 years ago this September age 39 as my hormones have played havoc with me since my son was born. We went on a weekend break with the children and on the way home in a restaurant my daughter turned to me and said "mum they are so alike arent they, both in their own worlds". I then cracked completely when home and cried for 3 days straight. I was then given a "waking" diagnosis of Bipolar Affective Disorder last May shortly after this happened, was given mood stabilisers and taken off an anti depressant which they felt had triggered the hypomania symptoms - I was 4 days straight hypomanic.
I guess I could write a book here really, but won't put you through that agony right now! ANYWAY my husband in the meantime was flatly refusing to believe he was AS and of course by this time I had become quite an expert on the subject of autism because of my son. I saw the cracks in our marriage, the reasons why he did this and that etc.
SO.......3 months ago our daughter came to me in tears and told me she had self injured (had marked her wrists with the end of her acne cream tube) and that she didnt know why. I was calm, inside I was terrified, we talked, I hugged her, reassured her, felt guilty I had let her down and not given her the attention she has needed over the years because of my son. On a positive note, our daughter is an extremely talented artist. She expresses herself through her art and music. Just recently she has come to me again and broke down and showed me her wrist, all 54 marks on them, some raised some not. She has been wearing wrist bands to cover them. She has big self image problems, feels she is overweight, ugly, has braces and acne. She says she feels different from her friends (she has been bullied, even in primary school) and I always had this sense too of her struggling to fit in.
Then all the pieces of the puzzle started to fit together. My husband and daughter have huge very long conversations, they click, they understand one another completely, share the same interests etc. When this latest self injury stuff came out my husband and I were arguing terribly, he could see how she was, her creativity, her need to be obsessed with this very dark, EMO, rock band and how she can express her emotions though them. He has even been singing the songs with her! In my eyes the lyrics (and this is true) speak of murder, blood, death, guns, black, suicide, "don't self harm" is their motto, vampires - well the whole lot basically.
I had had enough and flew a fit. I brought her computer downstairs and set it up in the back room and she screamed and actually hit me and said you have taken my whole life away, you don't trust me, I hate you, how could you do this to me........it was scarey and shocking to see her this way and I think she was shocked too that I had suddenly become empowered for the first time. I then suddenly realised she needed all these things but was too upset to make sense of it all. I was and am scared for my daughter. I feel she is NT/AS, she says she hates to be touched/hugged and all the other stuff about not fitting in and wanting to be in her room 24/7, she is a computer whizz too. She is seeing a school counsellor but from the outset of the self injury our GP and I wanted her to go to child & adolescent mental health services, but she seems ok with the school counsellor for the time being.
So......the most sensible conversation happened with me and my husband. He admitted he had problems and felt he could have AS but not full blown. He even agreed to see Maxine Aston with me! I was flabbergasted and so relieved, at last recognition. He said he was deeply unhappy, felt he couldnt make me happy however hard he tried etc.
Sorry, have gone on too long..........I am here in need of much support and understanding - I have felt so very alone for so long I don't really quite know how I have actually survived.
Thanks, Ali
