Aspies For Freedom

I told her that my husband has been saying for the past few months that he thinks he's got Asperger's (she didn't really react to that) and that he's been telling me that he thinks I have it too, and that I wondered what she thought of that. Her reaction was that she knows that my social skills aren't that great, but that she thinks that that's way overstated; that no, she doesn't think I've got Asperger's. She also asked my dad and he says 'no' also.

Then, she made it a point to point out to me that Asperger's is on the autistic spectrum... that I'm not *autistic*. That she thinks my husband just wants someone to be the same as him. So I asked whether she thinks my husband has Asperger's, to which her answer was "I don't know, I don't know him well enough." Then she went on about how autistic people don't understand social stuff. So I asked her about my brother... he's been diagnosed with PDD-NOS and he understands some social stuff... So she tells me that apparently he doesn't understand it after all. I told her that it's 90% genetic. She responded "That much?! Anyway, we're not autistic so then the odds of you being autistic are really slim." "But my brother is..." "Well, it's true that some people in our family have some characteristics, but no..." Finally, she told me to go online and find some tests to take... I decided to not tell her that I have already... I think I'll email the results later or something.

So basically, they don't seem to know much about the autistic spectrum, and they seem to not quite get the meaning of "spectrum"... They understand that it varies from severely autistic to mildly autistic, but they think my brother is about as mild a case as is possible or something, and that if you're less autistic than him you're NT. I'm getting the impression that they think that if you're capable of finishing a normal highschool then you must not be on the spectrum (although I guess I'm not sure about that... I mean, they didn't say it was impossible my husband is). My mom also said something about that she hadn't seen me all that much in the past few years... uhm... surely 20 years would be enough to get a clue, now wouldn't it?! It's not like it's a condition that develops in your 20s, unlike schizophrenia... She also asked me whether I hadn't read a book on it years ago and whether I'd recognized stuff in it... I'd read only a small part of that book, and it's years ago. The phone connection also got really bad at that point so I didn't want to try to explain that I think I might have been in denial. So anyway... she's going to find that book and read through it and see whether she can apply it to me, but she thinks it's bullshit. I wonder what she'll conclude... but considering I managed to deny it for years, surely she can too... Personally I used to hate Asperger's because it confused me... I never knew how to tell the difference between Asperger's stuff and NT stuff all that well... lots of NTs do Aspie things in small amounts... when does it change from normal to abnormal? So I felt confused and hated the whole Aspie thing... didn't mind classic autism, as it's obvious whether someone is classicly autistic or not... but Aspie is too confusing.

Not sure what I wanted to accomplish with this ramble... just wanted to write it down.

I'm not sure how important it is for her to realize it or not... it's not like it's a big deal if she stays in denial wrt me, except that apparently she doesn't know much about ASDs and hence has really low expectations of my brother. I'm pretty sure my brother could function at a much higher level with appropriate encouragement but instead he's being overprotected.

Also, with both me and my husband seemingly being aspies, the odds of our children being on the spectrum are pretty large, so I guess it'd be good for her to learn more about it for that reason as well, although she's not going to see her grandchildren all that often, considering my parents live in Europe and we live in the US and neither of us are rich.

Wrt to telling your mom... what do you think is likely the worst that would happen? Probably her telling you you're wrong and not wanting to discuss it further. Well, that's not really any worse than her not knowing, right? Also... just get it over with... if you're ever going to tell her then you're probably better off telling her sooner rather than later instead of wasting tons of time worrying about it.

So, my internet wasn't working yesterday and all so I haven't gotten around to emailing her the results yet... My results are kind of borderline, usually just barely in the aspie category. The more I think about things in the past though, the more things I can think of that fit the pattern. I'll probably make a list someday soon.

My brother is getting help... the problem is that I'm pretty sure he's getting too much help, or the wrong kind of help, if you get what I mean. Instead of helping him do things by himself, my parents do certain things for him. That way he'll never become independent. Now, I believe that independence is abit overrated, but he could easily become independent and some day he'll kinda have to, as my parents aren't immortal (afaik). He's 20 and he still lives at home and my parents refuse to leave him alone for more than a week at a time. He doesn't want to come visit me, so my parents don't want to come visit me for two weeks because they don't want to leave him alone that long. He's been home alone for up to a week several times before without any problems... I don't get it. And whenever he's rude to someone they don't correct him because "He can't help it"... and then he laughs at me behind their backs when they're not there because they let him get away with him being rude to me. Of course I'm not allowed to be rude to him... I mean, even if he honestly didn't know that what he said was rude, he should be taught it was, shouldn't he? Grrr. He's a spoiled brat who happens to also have PDD-NOS.

W/e. So I talked to my mom a bit today and she didn't bring up the Aspie thing, so I guess she needs a bit more time. They're going on a two week vacation tomorrow morning, so I guess it'll be two weeks before she reads my email about my test scores. Oh well. I just can't believe how little they know about ASDs considering my brother has one. It's like, they read a bit about it 7.5 years ago when he was diagnosed and since then nothing, other than the tiny bit that the autism center sometimes tells them. ASDs are a form of brain damage (if you want), not a complete inability to learn! Blind and deaf people can learn to cope in the world, so can people with PDD-NOS... Sorry for my anger... it's just really annoying that I have to be perfect in everything while they let him get away with everything, especially because we're not THAT different.

No, you didn't offend me (I don't know why you think you might have). And yeah, I think that they expect me to be more perfect in order to compensate for his imperfections. It sucks.

Btw, did you tell your parents yet?

I don't know you nor your parents, so I can't say what way would be best... You could write them a letter or email if you just can't do it in person or on the phone. Also, once you've got the initial words out, it becomes a lot easier... I remember how hard it was to tell my parents I was engaged and would be emigrating to the US... For a few days my husband and I would hang around my parents a lot, trying to find a good moment. Finally, we decided to tell them separately instead. My parents were pretty much in shock, but it really wasn't as bad as we'd been afraid it would be. We could've saved ourselves a lot of stress if we'd just told them sooner. Oh well.

Yeah, writing an email or a letter would be a great idea, since I've got some sort of a phone phobia and in person it won't work.

I suppose it will be like that too when I've told it, because mostly you think something is worse than it really is. At least I hope so.

You emigrated to the US? Where are you from originally?

The Netherlands.

So, how's the letter/email coming along?

Hey, I'm from the Netherlands too! That's funny.

Well, I haven't started it, I'm thinking how to start it. But I'll work it out I think.

Hyke is also from The Netherlands.

Anyway, I usually have to think things through, either consciously or not, and can then write what I want to say from beginning to end without needing to do any editing... I dunno, that's just the way I tend to work.

Just 4 more days and my parents will get back from their holiday...

They went to France, for a change (they usually go to Germany or Austria). No, I didn't go anywhere, just haven't had much access to internet lately.

What year are you in, and are you doing VMBO, HAVO or VWO? I remember I was so glad to finally have my diploma. I hated secondary school...

Iirc you're a lot older than we are though... If I were, say, twice my age, I'm not sure I'd ask my parents either. Also, my brother was diagnosed with PDD-NOS 7.5 years ago, so it's not like it was new to them. Although now that I've talked with them about it it seems like it perhaps would've been better if it were actually new to them... their utter lack of knowledge about ASDs is astonishing, to the point where it borders on scary. My mom had told me two/three weeks ago that she'd dig up a book they own on the topic and look through it, but apparently she didn't find it before they went on vacation, so I'll have to wait a bit longer to see what she says... the more I think about it though the more I'm beginning to wonder whether she's further on the spectrum than I am... It's like my whole world view is being put upside down again... I don't like paradigm shifts... they always make me wonder whether I am crazy or was crazy or both...

I'm going to bet that my mom is going to glance through the book, focus on the details that aren't me, and decide that I'm a bit weird but NT nonetheless... For one, she wouldn't want to accidentally recognize herself in it, I think... We'll see.

Yep, that's exactly the 'problem'... no internet access there, only at the house or at the library.

So, I'm a year older now (23yo), the baby seems to still be happy inside (though I'm beginning to want him out...), and I've been feeling somewhat less stressed out... finally beginning to get used to the camper etc.

I told my father-in-law about the Asperger's thing a couple of weeks ago in an email, but he hadn't replied to that yet, so I asked him on the phone today and he said that he and my mother-in-law had already remarked to each other like a year ago that they thought me and my husband have a mild form of that. So that was a nicer response than my parents'.

Wrt my parents, my mom said that she'd found the book and that she'd bring it to me. So I asked her whether she'd looked through it yet, as I'd asked her to. Apparently she hadn't... she claimed that she'd been too busy at work. Then she immediately changed the subject. Then I tried talking a bit about Asperger's to my dad, who also immediately changed the subject. :sigh: Oh well.

I've almost finished reading "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood (2006). What can I say... I recognize a lot in it. Reading it I've also been remembering certain things, like how in first grade all the girls had a "poetry album" that you'd give to all of your friends and family members to write a poem in and put some stickers in and such. I remember how much coaching I got from my mom to do that stuff too... She'd explain over and over to me that it didn't matter that I thought the other kids' poems were lame... that it was a friendship bonding kinda thing and for looking back at later etc. She'd tell me to hand it to x today and to y tomorrow etc. I DID kinda like writing in the other girls' albums... I like coming up with poems... trying to think of rhymes etc. Or rather I used to like it, considering I haven't really written any poetry since I turned 16 or so.

I'm not sure she meant well. And I've reasons for that now. People have been warning me for years; I failed to notice these signs. Also because I don't want to react upon gossip. Now I see them in hindsight and regret not picking up the signs before. But thats a completely different story.

(I'm the one who always thinks best of people b.t.w. So saying 'I'm not sure she meant well' does not come easy. She really hurt me bad with something else. And admitted doing it on purpose.)