Hi littlem and welcome to the forums. I hope you find your time spent here helpful, there is certainly a lot of helpful information in the Parents Forum as well as other sections.
(I'm sure a number of our members will appreciate that you took the time to clearly break up your post, I know I do)
Some of my feelings on your questions:
1) Eye-contact: In the animal kingdom sustained eye contact is a dominance thing and there are people out there that use it the same way - expecting it because it's an easy way for them to attain and signify dominance. I, for one can't sustain eye contact so I use it selectively. I tend to look at someone, though not specifically their eyes (I fake it to an extent by focusing on a spot just behind them), when they're talking to me. When I find it especially difficult is when I'm the one talking. It's almost like I can't look at someone, think and talk at the same time so I use less frequent 'eye contact'. - It takes practice 'like many things' but it's possible to fake it.
2) Stims: I'm not sure what to suggest about the head rubbing except maybe showing/teaching her to brush her own hair.
"Happy-flapping" is something something other children will be likely to tease about. Controlling or modifying it may come in time. I still 'happy-flap' from time to time and I'm in my mid thirties, I'm just selective about the where.
3) Water: Another one where suggestions aren't springing to mind for me but maybe other members will have suggestions.
4) Noise sensitivity: Yes it does decrease so an extent, or you learn to filter it out. Some people on the spectrum find that hoovers and hand driers have a high pitch whine or whistle to them. It can depend a lot on other environmental factors.
Here's an example I find, I can't sleep with the light on because when it's quiet at night I can 'hear' the fluorescent.
Perhaps in the mean time you could let her out to play, hoover a room then take a break and check on her. I'll take longer to hoover the house but it might be easier on her. - Of course this is somewhat easier if someone else can watch her while she plays, or alternatively do the hoovering.
5) A little from column a, a little from column b. Take the time to research the schools in your area, I've noticed in other posts in the parents and education sections that this is one of the best tactics.
1) Eye-contact...does it really matter? I'm not particularly keen on sustained eye-contact myself, so I can understand the feeling. I suggested to my little girl she looks at mouth or nose of whoever is speaking to her, but her SEN teacher seems to think that it's important for her to use eye-contact.
Some people will notice the difference (unless they're far away), yes. Maybe you could turn it into a game... ask her to see how much she can look into someone's eyes while talking with them.
Of course, too much eye-contact will appear unnatural to other people as well.
2) Stims. The only one that bothers me is violent head rubbing (when she's tired/stressed/needs the toilet. Cos it turns her hair to "felt" and it's really hard to brush her hair cos she does it while I'm brushing!
I asked her if she could rub something else like a knee instead but she says "My naughty hand won't stop doing it". Any suggestions?
Could you get her a handheld videogame or something that she plays while you brush her hair, so that she needs to use both her hands for that? It might distract her enough to not do it. Also, how about putting two braids in her hair? Fairly quick to do and then you'll only have to brush her hair once a week or so.
Is she likely to get teased about "happy-flapping" when she's older? If so, should she/could she be able to control/modify it? Personally I think it's quite cute, but I know kids can be mean when they're older.
Yes, she'll get teased with it, and depending on how she reacts, she'll probably get bullied with it.
4) Are there any aspies out there who enjoyed secondary/senior school? Teens can be so nasty to each other......I'm worried in advance!
In my experience, highschool is better than primary and middle school... in highschool the kids had finally grown up enough to not bother with bullying anymore. I didn't have any friends, but unlike in primary and middle school I at least wasn't being bullied anymore. So I recommend you focus your worrying on the mean younger kids... er... that's probably not what you wanted to hear. I still hated highschool btw, and I'm glad it's over.
If it's any consolation, if she gets bullied too badly you can just homeschool her.
My daughter (nearly 6) has just been diagnosed as HFA/aspie...she also has hemiplegia and scoliosis, hence the delay in picking up on the aspie issues.
That doesn't seem like a big delay. I believe, although I don't have any references off the top of my head, that on average children don't get diagnosed for another couple of years from your daughter's age.
1) Eye-contact...does it really matter? I'm not particularly keen on sustained eye-contact myself, so I can understand the feeling. I suggested to my little girl she looks at mouth or nose of whoever is speaking to her, but her SEN teacher seems to think that it's important for her to use eye-contact.
Well, it's one of those things people will probably deny they care about, but I'm pretty sure they do subconsciously make judgments based on eye contact. So yes, it woul be a huge plus if she did learn normal eye contact, but it's not as if you can't function without it. Perhaps starting early makes it easier?
Is she likely to get teased about "happy-flapping" when she's older? If so, should she/could she be able to control/modify it? Personally I think it's quite cute, but I know kids can be mean when they're older.
Not to be overly pessimistic, but kids tease each other over a lot less.
3) Water.She wants me to teach her to swim (she loves fish and insisted I buy her a little snorkelling kit). I love swimming and snorkelling, but the big problem is she hates getting her torso and hair wet and freaks if she's splashed, but she loves wading in the pool/sea. Somebody suggested I get her a wetsuit, but I'm not sure how she'd cope with the feel of it (has a lot of "clothing quirks). Any ideas?
Keep her in activity so she doesn't think about the water. It sounds simple, and it is. From personal experience, if you've got high sensitivity in some area, your body will have a higher treshold before it'll lose focus on the sensitivity - in other words, you need to be doing a lot more before your body manages to shut off the annoying sensory informatio. I don't particularly enjoy the feeling of wet hair (like showering - if I could get by without it, I would, but the benefits outweigh the difficulties), but I've no problem with swimming. It's probably because the body manages to focus on something else.
5) Noise sensitivity (freaks over hoovers/hand-driers etc.) Does it decrease as you get older?
Again from personal experience, it persists into the teens - beyond them I'm not qualified to answer 
One last question...Can aspergers/HFA affect sleep patterns? Cos I haven't had a night of unbroken sleep since she was born. She usually wakes up (crying out for lost teddy/ or to be tucked in) about 3-4 times per night. I've taught her not to get up before the clock says 6AM, but she'd like to get up at 4.30-5.30 AM.
Yes. For instance, Insomnia is more frequent in adults with AS. Here's another study:
The prevalence of sleep disturbances in 52 children with Asperger syndrome (AS) as compared with 61 healthy controls (all subjects aged 5-17 years) was investigated. Problems with sleep onset and maintenance, sleep-related fears, negative attitudes toward sleeping, and daytime somnolence were more frequent among children with AS than among controls. Short sleep duration (<9 h) was almost twofold (59% vs. 32%), and the risk for sleep onset problems more than fivefold (53% vs. 10%) more common in the AS group than in the control group. Child-reported sleeping problems were also more prevalent in the AS group than in controls (58% vs. 7%). The results suggest that sleep disturbances should be routinely evaluated in children with AS.
link
Apart from that, as I recall many people with AS report sleep-related problems. I have had trouble sleeping (getting to sleep, actually gaining rest from sleep, retaining a normal sleep cycle) for years.
I think the acting lessons are a good idea, but if she doesn't like them I wouldn't force it.
Sleep... I used to always take an hour to an hour and a half of lying in bed before I'd fall asleep, unless I went to bed really late. Usually I'd just fantasize I was some character in a book I was reading at the time; other times I'd secretly turn the lights back on and continue reading the actual book. I also didn't like getting up at 7 to go to school, so it wasn't like I didn't need the sleep, but I honestly just couldn't fall asleep for the first hour+ I was in bed. I did usually sleep throughout the night though. My husband also used to have trouble falling asleep at night, and still needs to be very careful about not staying up to late or he'll go to bed later and later every day until 8am is bedtime and 5pm is wake up time...
Why does she lose her teddy bear during the night? Try to teach her to find him again herself... Perhaps give her a flashlight so she doesn't have to turn on the big (bright) light to find him. Also, just be as boring as possible when she wakes you up to tuck her back in. Perhaps you could teach her to let teddy bear tuck her in, if you get what I mean, so that you don't need to do it. Does she need the amount of sleep that you want her to get? I know there are guidelines for how much sleep people need at different ages, but there are exceptions. If she doesn't need as much sleep, perhaps you could just let her stay up later or allow her to wake up earlier as long as she'll play quietly in her room by herself... perhaps put some crackers or something in her room to eat before breakfast so she doesn't get too hungry.
She's happy now and enjoys school, so I just hope it stays that way as she gets older.
Me too. For one, you have to understand that most of us here who were bullied at school didn't know about Asperger's at the time... I think knowing can be helpful.
Btw, did you tell her she has Asperger's? How did she react? Or are you waiting till she's older? I don't know when I'd tell my kids. I've seen people ask about whether they should tell their 13yo, in which case I'd definitely say yes, but I'm not sure about young kids... just curious whether you did and how she reacted.
Anyway, good luck.
I grew up in a family where my mother let us fight physically.. I was well prepared. I learned how to defend myself... One learns to be a warrior.. being a warrior has nothing to do iwth touch. So I never experienced being bullied. I do think apsie's need to take self defense and dance (boys and girls) at an early age starting at 3... as well as learn to swim
She's happy now and enjoys school, so I just hope it stays that way as she gets older.
Me too. For one, you have to understand that most of us here who were bullied at school didn't know about Asperger's at the time... I think knowing can be helpful.
Btw, did you tell her she has Asperger's? How did she react? Or are you waiting till she's older? I don't know when I'd tell my kids. I've seen people ask about whether they should tell their 13yo, in which case I'd definitely say yes, but I'm not sure about young kids... just curious whether you did and how she reacted.
Anyway, good luck.
Don't feel bad about not recognising it until she was six years old! I am in my late 20's and only informed my mother about my Asperger's a few days ago. My father left when I was very young and hasn't had a lot to do with me, he did suspect I was on the spectrum (he also is), but stayed quiet because he feels that since he left when I was so young he shouldn't take an active role in my parenting (bad decision he made, but that's another story!).
Eye Contact: When I was fairly young (maybe 10 years old or so) I noticed that people who don't make eye contact look 'shifty', and I recognised that I made very little eye contact. I figured that I should learn to make more, and by the time I was somewhere in my early teens I was making a lot more than regular people do (I overcompensated without realising). It was only about a year ago that I discovered I made too much to be appropriate (it was pointed out to me by the person who told me I have Asperger's), it was just a habit I'd become comfortable with after about 15 years. It's definately something you can learn to change, but it requires a lot of confidence and she may not do it until she is older.
Stims: she is likely to be teased... I think everyone gets teased about something! The amount of teasing a kid gets at school seems to me to be associated with how they react to it, rather than how 'tease worthy' they are. I was one of the weirdest kids at school, but no one really teased me, because I felt good about myself and it didn't bother me if they did tease me. Actually, I lie, when at primary school I was less self confident and was teased about as much as a normal kid. I suppose my self confidence grew when I was in my early teens and the teasing stopped. In the last few years at high school I used to tell my friends off, because they'd always be teasing each other and no one ever bothered to tease me, despite all of the obvious weird traits I displayed.
Water: I'm having trouble seeing the problem here! She says she wants to swim, take her to the water and let her go as far as she is comfortable going. If she wants more, tell her to go further in.
Noise: I think this is something which gets better with time. When I was little, I absolutely hated the vacuum cleaner, but now they don't bother me. I suppose it's a case of choosing to deal with it.
I hated primary school until the last year of it, then I think I probably liked the first half of high school less than most kids and the second half about as much as most kids. I absolutely loved university.
Best of luck
Welcome to the forum, littlem! It's been a great resource for me, even though I no longer visit as often as I used to.
My opinion on your questions:
Eye Contact
While I think it will be important for your daughter to eventually learn to make eye contact, I think it is also important to realize that many on the spectrum find it very overwhelming and uncomfortable to do so. It has been described on this forum as receiving too much information.
Personally, I think other issues come first. At your daughter's age, learning to manage the sensory environment, and figure out how to adapt the world so it is less scary, seems primary. She can't focus on the basic skills like reading, writing, and communicating if she is constantly overwhelmed with sensory input, or tasks that seem too large. My son easilly gives up; it is easy for things to become too much, and for him to believe the accomplishment is impossible. Breaking things up into smaller pieces is essential. Given all that, I find it difficult to see how forcing a child to adapt a very uncomfortable skill that won't be nearly as essential until later in life is necessary at this age. I would wait until you feel you have managed the other areas of conflict in her life. She needs to develope confidence and a sense that her world can be managed and pleasant to live in. That comes first, in my opinion.
Stims
Stims are self-calming for those on the spectrum, and an important part of how they deal with the stress and overload that faces them. However, stimming in public will result in teasing, depending on how obvious or socially unacceptable the behavior is. With my son, we've focused first on the stuff that bothers the kids around him most. We've helped him learn to understand that those behaviors are resulting in social issues for him, etc (he cannot see the connection). At home, we've loosened up. He can pretty much do as he needs to within the boundaries of home; home is his safe place, his de-stress place. It seems to be easier for him to manage the stims in public knowing that he does not have to do so at home.
We also work with the teachers and kids at school, so that they understand some of the things my son does are self-calming, and because "his brain is wired differently," and are not born of an intent to disruptive. Chewing on pencils, for example, is something he can't seem to let go of unless a straw is handy (teachers are learning to have them stocked; my son literally EATS the pencils).
Water / Noise
To me, the issues with the water and the noise are related. Both are sensory problems. It is not uncommon for a child with sensory issues to still be attracted to something that bothers him. Our way of dealing with it has been to allow my son to conquer and adapt at his own pace. If his issue was water but he wanted to swim, for example, we would bring him to the water often and let him just play in his own way. Gradually suggest going further, but not push the issue. Eventually, you get lucky, and you've nudged at the right time. The next baby step is taken. It seems to me like something the child has to conquer and deal with in his own mind, and there isn't much we can do to help, other than continue to provide ideas and opportunity.
My son had a huge fear of automatic flush toilets, in a manner similar to what your daughter fears with dryers. I didn't even know about it until I discovered he was going on outings with day camp and holding his pee all day. For a while, we simply kept him from outings where there would only be auto flush toilets. Eventually, his desire to go on the outings caught up with him, and he started facing his fear in baby steps, with us present. His choice, nothing forced. Now, he can deal with it. I suspect it will be the same with your daughter. Eventually she will decide that avoiding these items means also avoiding things she desires. That realization will cause her to want to conquer the issue.
Overall, I've found parenting an Aspie child to be about listening and understanding. The better I understand where my son is coming from, the more I am able to find appropriate ways to help him. Simply desiring him to be like everyone else will never be enough to make it so, and the process to get there would do huge injury to his self-image. He already knows he is different, that he can see, and he needs to make peace with it (he has, now) rather than feel it is an obstacle too huge to overcome (shortly before we got the diagnosis, my son was starting to shut down, feeling it was all hopeless, that he could never cope - this is what must be avoided at all costs).
Good luck, and I hope something I've written will help.
Hi,
Em has several different 'conditions' which affect her in different ways, so it would be rather overwhelming and possibly confusing to tell her about all of them while she is so young.
However, when. she asks questions, I answer them truthfully in a way she understands. So far she has only asked why she has to wear a back-brace (which she hates)...I told her about the scoliosis (curved spine) showed her the x-rays, and said the brace was sort of like the stake we used to make her sunflower grow straighter (we made one for Ted too).
She also asked why I don't have a "mark" like hers (she has a large strawberry birthmark on her forehead). So I explained about that...she's rather sorry for me on that, cos she likes her "raspberry".
She has never asked why she can't run and jump like the other kids (hemiplegia - a form of cerebral palsy), and has never asked about any of the aspie symptoms. When she does (and I imagine she will at some point) I'll talk to her about these things.
Since she was little, she has seen lots of doctors and travelled to lots of hospitals. I think it became her "normal". Fortunately now we have got the various diagnoses, the hospital visits have tapered off.
The main thing that I tell her is that she is clever, funny and pretty (which she is) and that she's the best little girl in the world as far as I'm concerned, and that I love her very much.
I would have told her, she had the Mark because God made her special over everyone else. and That I wish I had one...
Welcome to the forum, littlem! It's been a great resource for me, even though I no longer visit as often as I used to.
My opinion on your questions:
Eye Contact
While I think it will be important for your daughter to eventually learn to make eye contact, I think it is also important to realize that many on the spectrum find it very overwhelming and uncomfortable to do so. It has been described on this forum as receiving too much information.
Personally, I think other issues come first. At your daughter's age, learning to manage the sensory environment, and figure out how to adapt the world so it is less scary, seems primary. She can't focus on the basic skills like reading, writing, and communicating if she is constantly overwhelmed with sensory input, or tasks that seem too large. My son easilly gives up; it is easy for things to become too much, and for him to believe the accomplishment is impossible. Breaking things up into smaller pieces is essential. Given all that, I find it difficult to see how forcing a child to adapt a very uncomfortable skill that won't be nearly as essential until later in life is necessary at this age. I would wait until you feel you have managed the other areas of conflict in her life. She needs to develope confidence and a sense that her world can be managed and pleasant to live in. That comes first, in my opinion.
Stims
Stims are self-calming for those on the spectrum, and an important part of how they deal with the stress and overload that faces them. However, stimming in public will result in teasing, depending on how obvious or socially unacceptable the behavior is. With my son, we've focused first on the stuff that bothers the kids around him most. We've helped him learn to understand that those behaviors are resulting in social issues for him, etc (he cannot see the connection). At home, we've loosened up. He can pretty much do as he needs to within the boundaries of home; home is his safe place, his de-stress place. It seems to be easier for him to manage the stims in public knowing that he does not have to do so at home.
We also work with the teachers and kids at school, so that they understand some of the things my son does are self-calming, and because "his brain is wired differently," and are not born of an intent to disruptive. Chewing on pencils, for example, is something he can't seem to let go of unless a straw is handy (teachers are learning to have them stocked; my son literally EATS the pencils).
Water / Noise
To me, the issues with the water and the noise are related. Both are sensory problems. It is not uncommon for a child with sensory issues to still be attracted to something that bothers him. Our way of dealing with it has been to allow my son to conquer and adapt at his own pace. If his issue was water but he wanted to swim, for example, we would bring him to the water often and let him just play in his own way. Gradually suggest going further, but not push the issue. Eventually, you get lucky, and you've nudged at the right time. The next baby step is taken. It seems to me like something the child has to conquer and deal with in his own mind, and there isn't much we can do to help, other than continue to provide ideas and opportunity.
My son had a huge fear of automatic flush toilets, in a manner similar to what your daughter fears with dryers. I didn't even know about it until I discovered he was going on outings with day camp and holding his pee all day. For a while, we simply kept him from outings where there would only be auto flush toilets. Eventually, his desire to go on the outings caught up with him, and he started facing his fear in baby steps, with us present. His choice, nothing forced. Now, he can deal with it. I suspect it will be the same with your daughter. Eventually she will decide that avoiding these items means also avoiding things she desires. That realization will cause her to want to conquer the issue.
Overall, I've found parenting an Aspie child to be about listening and understanding. The better I understand where my son is coming from, the more I am able to find appropriate ways to help him. Simply desiring him to be like everyone else will never be enough to make it so, and the process to get there would do huge injury to his self-image. He already knows he is different, that he can see, and he needs to make peace with it (he has, now) rather than feel it is an obstacle too huge to overcome (shortly before we got the diagnosis, my son was starting to shut down, feeling it was all hopeless, that he could never cope - this is what must be avoided at all costs).
Good luck, and I hope something I've written will help.
I agree if you overwhelm her, it can become too much and she will give up or not do anything out of spite..
Best to take the challenges as they present themselves in her world.. eyes are not important yet... I did not look into peoples eyes till half way through college.. I finally told myself I needed to learn.. so I applied my theatre training for 18 months and it worked...
water thing get a piece of materal of a wet suit if you can and let her touch and i kmean really touch it if she wish(this could include running it across her face if she wishs)
To avoid having to use the hand dryers at restaurants, you can bring paper towels with you.
Can a phobia also be an O.C.D?
I ask because she refuses to draw on paper that has an uneven edge, and was scared to touch or even go near a certain book cos it had a torn spine....once I mended it, the fear was gone. I tried to find out why these things worry her, but she can't explain it.
[/quote]
Yes, because she doese not have the words...I am also wondering why it is so important to "Get over" everything and "conquer" everything. Why cannot we just be? for one of my primary objectives in 5 years is to BECOME AUTISM and expunge all NT "Acceptable" behavior being that it really doese me no good because I was brought up with a bunch of reversed lies
I do not know why, but this old song came to mind when reading your posts, MIss Littlem
Heavenly ship, Heavenly ship that rises out of the water and to the sky. Heavenly ship, heavenly ship, that rises out of the water, into the sky
Riding upon the sea of gravity bouncing bouncing up and down[/i]