Hi mom. another NT mom here. My son is LFA not AS, but high enough functioning that he can explain quite eloquently exactly what it is like to be him. Relative to the behavior discord, is it worth trying to develop a contract with him, not based upon what you think a fair expectation is, but based on his defining what is a fair expectation (you of course would have to agree)? I'm wondering if you might reverse things a bit. Maybe he "needs" the games as a precursor to being able to cope with or do other things. You could always try giving him his games first with requirement being that he needs complete his chores after or by a certain time. Worse case scenario if he doesn't complete them today he misses out on his games tomorrow. Order may make no difference or a huge difference. Likewise it may make a difference if he is the one who defines what he is capable of relative to the rules. It worked fairly well with a lot of my status offenders anyway... and as to coming to understand him better, we use a journalapproach. I know I learned a lot from my sons daily entries. Mom of Hrick
Trust me I've been there. My mom and I have been on each others throats for years. More so because of my diagnosis. Sometimes I feel like my AS is the reason I feel babied by her. And as much as you would like you will never understand your son. Just like my mom who will never get me (or my father for that matter)
Well at least your trying. Kudos for that. You could be like my step-daddie and be in denile.
Plus... he's almost 13.
It's sometimes hard to tell how much of something like that is from an autistic/NT divide and how much is from an adolescent/adult divide. Adolescents feel things more intensely than adults and research on brain changes has shown the "You just don't understand what it's like" thing many adolescents say to actually be true. Somewhere in the twenties there's a shift away from the hyper-intense hyper-emotional state many adolescents are in, and we forget what it was like, even if we tried to remember we wouldn't be able to totally conjure it up. (I'm experiencing that, this past few years, as a relief, I could do with less intensity in my life.)
Structure and routine? Yes. Schedule - A big no.
Have you tried allowing him to create his own routine (entirely) that includes what you would like to see him get done and by an approximate deadline?
I'm like this at work, although I can't explain why because it makes no sense. I have no trouble creating my OWN routine (entirely and independently), which can include what my boss wants me to get done by a certain time, BUT if someone else sets a specific schedule for me (even if I participate in creating it), I usually can't follow it for some reason.
For some reason, I understand what your son may be trying to say.....................it is hard to explain, though.
Oh! I just realized that I gave basically the same advice as Hrick's mom! (Great minds think alike!)
It breaks my heart to hear of "friends" at school that take advantage of him and think it's funny.
"Normal" people are pretty much fundamentally evil, aren't they?
Hey, THAT never ends, by the way. I'm 52 and had this same conversation about people being cruel to each other still! It never ends. Believe me, I still feel like I'm in middle school. Autistic children simply grow up to be autistic adults, and those same NT children do the same. What changes?
does he have to make his bed?! you could close the door and it looks just as good but less effort.
SoccerFreak, being a teenager, makes a fairly valid point.
I think what she's saying is it's a matter of differences in what's important. When it comes to making your bed and keeping your room tidy there are people (both ASD and NT) that 'need' to keep things tidy and perfectly organised. I'm like this for some things but not my room.
Some parents, my mother was of this generation, grew up with having to pay a lot of attention to what other people thought. If your house was untidy it reflected poorly on your class or status in society. Your boss, the local Vicar (parish priest), the Grandparents and other such 'important' people would drop by to visit for what ever reason, so the front room would have to be impeccable, the children would have to be neatly presented and quiet unless spoken to. Any part of the house people you wanted to impress were likely to see would have to be in perfect order.
Sure, in modern times this has changed but the overall 'mentality' is still there. The relative tidiness of one's living space can reflect positively or negatively on the opinion of others. An ordered living space shows that the person living in it can keep things organised in their mind.
However, not everyone organises things in their mind the same way. Sure, it might be nice for some people if everyone did but that's just not the case.
Going back to my mother, when I was younger it was important that I kept my room tidy and my bed made just in case someone she was trying to impress came around and just 'happened' to see my bedroom. However, when I tidied up I always felt as though I'd loose or misplace things (I've never been an ordered 'tidyupper'). In my early to mid teens my room became my space as opposed to part of the home. A fairly common thing for teens I believe.
Yes, people will say you shouldn't 'ignore' you're children and what they're doing, it's not good. Everyone, teens especially, needs their own space though, so there comes a point - and this is strictly my opinion - when a teen needs to be 'given' their own space. My mother came to a realisation much like this. My room was my space. Sure her friends might be shocked if they saw that my room wasn't tidy but she respected that it was my space. Rather then forcing me to tidy it up or going in there her self and tiding it up 'on the off chance' she simply started closing the door (and opened a window to air the room out if the weather was suitable).
my mom obsessivly cleans my room for me, i get up in the morning to go to the bathroom or something, and i go back to get dressed and she's already in there cleaning it. It's very annoying cause you know..I want to be able to have my stuff laying around without her looking at it. I dont do much though, I empty the dishwasher (i cant wash dishes because they smell and i cant stand getting food on my hands and under my finger nails, i immediatly start gagging), and sometimes I mow the lawn. I also ref soccer games and babysit.
In my early to mid teens my room became my space as opposed to part of the home.
Same here. My parents never opened my mail and anything inside my room was not their business unless it was illegal. After mom was gone, dad's packrat habits took over his room. For example, there was a hedge trimmer on the floor by his bed and a stack of old oscilloscopes. There was barely a path to walk and I could not reach his closet to hang his laundry. But.. I reminded myself it would not be right to nag him about it because he had never complained (or in my view had any right to) about what was in my own room. Everybody needs their space, imho.
Mmm...
Sounds like a mum with adolescent conflict as much as anything else.
As much as I can give advice about anything, at the end of the day you are still his mum, and I'm sure on some level your son appreciates you. He will come to understand that he appreciates you, too.
"You don't understand!!" is the catch cry of many teens, and one you are likely to experience often in the next few years. He's at an age where it's only natural to rebel against rules.
I don't personally think that changing the "chores before computer games" rule would make a lot of difference. Teenagers need their space, especially aspie teens. But at the same time, you are not denying him the time to play games. Simply giving him responsibilities, which is a good way to prepare him for life outside the family "nest", so to speak.
...For what it's worth.
Even now at 31 I do things if I know what needs doing, it's not unrealistic or giving me too much to do at once. By that I know that to do things around teh house if I do a bit each day then the place will stay clean and tidy but if I get landed with doing the floors and clean the kitchen and do the washing etc i won't do it cos I think i'm being asked to do too much.
I do not mind doing my share but give me too much and the motivation won't be there to do it, it's like a tunnel, if I have a few things to do and I can see it won't take too long and I can then do what I want after then I will do them. Ask me to do loads and I can't see then where I get any time to myself and it just won't get done.
Try setting out a distinct action-reward scenario. He gets a certain amount of game time every day, but more if he makes his bed. Other chores, little ones, can start from there, with the addition of more and more time for what he loves to do.
Quick model as an example, using guesses on times.
1 hour a day for games. Another half an hour for making bed. Another hour for a tidy room. Etc.
This way, you could get him used to work=reward, like when he gets his first job. Just a theory.
I agree with what I_like_kittens has to say. I find making the bed a big waste of time, because its going to be unmade when I go to bed. I only make it if people are coming over. Perhaps your son feels he has to do work just for the sake of it, or its a punishment. He probably also does not understand you. Why should you have to do all the work in the house? Maybe try explaining what you do around the house, and say his help would be appreciated. My personal take is teenagers are expected to act like adults, but are treated like children. I felt like being made to do chores was being looked down on. But every teenager is different.
With the games - I'm a gamer girl, and I have been since I discovered nintendo at a friend's house at about 6 years old. I'm 21 now. My parents did not approve of gaming either, and they controlled my time and limited how many games I owned. But what happened when I suddenly got a job? "OMG it's game spending spree!". I don't like having my gaming time restricted. Either I get on and play for as long as I like (about two hours) or I don't play at all. For me the 'do all your chores before gaming' would work the best. But that's me personally, it might be different for your son.
I think pokemon is a great game. Yes, I am biased, I have been playing for about seven years. But it's a strategy game and it requires a lot of thinking, like a game of chess, for example. It's just that chess has a reputation of being an intellectual game, and pokemon is a silly kiddy waste of time game. Good thing about pokemon compared to chess is that it has that 'cool' element of fighting, but without it being a violent game. If you have the time (I'm not sure if you do having five kids! But maybe your kids can do the work while you play for a bit
) I recommend sitting down, reading the instructions to one of the games and having a go at it. This is most worth while if most of your kids like to play games. Having a multiplayer game is the best so the family can play together and with their friends. A console is good, I recomend a Wii because they are trying to market this at non games while trying to keep the fan base. If that doesn't fit your budget, a second hand gamecube/playstation 2/xbox doesn't go for that much and they all have some good four player games. If you don't have one already. It's good to have the game up on the TV screen to you can watch what they are playing that are right for their age. I've made several friends through a video gaming club at uni which is a big thing for me.
Of course excess of one thing is not a good thing when its starts affecting other areas of his life. The reason people may play for so long is that some games aren't like tennis or something where you just play and don't really have a clear goal, maybe just win as many matches as you can. Many games these days have story lines, so they are like interactive movies, and they want to keep playing so they can get to the end. But self control is needed.
The point of this is games aren't as bad as they are made out to be, but sometimes they can become an addiction.