One thing i don't quite understand is how people with AS (and probably others, i'm no expert on this as you can see) don't look at other people in their eyes while talking to them. I do this all the time, although i've never really noticed. Is it because you're afraid of their eyes or what?
My dad used to yell at me demanding to look at him in his eyes when i'm talking to him because it shows respect
Natalie is right. Dogs usually look at each other's noses or their paws or whatnot, because staring in the eyes means they want to fight or are being aggressive.
What exactly is gaze sharing and joint attention?
I've found that when I was a kid I could look at peoples eyes, but now I can't. I hate how eye contact is so valued in NT culture when it's really just a useless ritual which makes it less likely for us to get jobs.
It's hardly useless..looking into people's eyes make gaze sharing makes joint attention possible. Looking into people's eyes is a prerequisite to theory of mind.
When interviewing for a job, if both the interviewer and the interviewee are staring at each other, each individual knows the other is focused on the other individual. No other set of foci would establish this.
That's not true. It's possible to look someone in the eyes and be completely absent, just like otherwise. And what do you mean by "a prerequisite to theory of mind"? You must have a peculiar definition of theory of mind.
I find eye contact to be extremely uncomfortable, both psychologically and physically stressful for my eyes.
People have been telling me my whole life to make eye contact, but I've decided that it's just not worth it. I do it intentionally sometimes when I'm trying to convince someone of something important, but that can be very intimidating for both of us, so it's not something I do often.
I prefer to not be looking at anything at all when I talk. Focusing on an object, especially eyes, forces my brain to start thinking about that object (or person) and I lose concentration.
Today I wore my sunglasses. It was amazing. I was free! I not only was able to look anywhere I wanted without fear of complaint, but it felt more natural to make eye contact as well, because I couldn't see them very well (instead of pupils, etc. all I could see what an eye pointing in a general direction).
I highly suggest people try this. It'll make you feel like that badass Romo Lampkin on BSG.
I've found that when I was a kid I could look at peoples eyes, but now I can't. I hate how eye contact is so valued in NT culture when it's really just a useless ritual which makes it less likely for us to get jobs.
It's hardly useless..looking into people's eyes make gaze sharing makes joint attention possible. Looking into people's eyes is a prerequisite to theory of mind.
When interviewing for a job, if both the interviewer and the interviewee are staring at each other, each individual knows the other is focused on the other individual. No other set of foci would establish this.
That's not true. It's possible to look someone in the eyes and be completely absent, just like otherwise. And what do you mean by "a prerequisite to theory of mind"? You must have a peculiar definition of theory of mind.
First, I didn't say that staring someone in the eyes was SUFFICIENT for establishing that; I said it was NECESSARY.
Second, I don't have a peculiar definition; I use Simon Baron-Cohen's, which is commonly considered the standard, especially in discussion of AS.
I am one of the different ones, I look constantly in the others eyes & find it hard to look away.
I am aware that to anyone this is unnerving & try to look away occasionally.
1. Sharing eye contact is NOT the way for me to best pay attention. If I want to concentrate on what someone is saying, I must turn my gaze off into space or toward my hands, whatever. I can only give complete attention to audio if I am not concentrating on video.
2. Eye contact is painful. I don't have the words to explain why. It feels extremely invasive and intrusive.
3. It is not considered "respectful" or "polite" or necessary in ALL cultures, only in SOME cultures. In Japan, for example, eye contact is considered very rude. Do not make the mistake of assuming that social rules and cultural practices which you learned from your own family or in your own country, are the universal rule, or the only correct way or the best way.
I dont make eye contact because it just feels wrong. Its really hard to explain, and everyone (including my dad, who should know better) gets really angry at me because I dont look at them. It makes them think I am not listening, even though looking at them has nothing to do with listening to them.
I think maybe looking into somebodies eyes is too intimate for Aspies, its like letting them into your soul or your having sex with them or something, its fine if its a pretty girl you want to become one flesh with, but otherwise, urrg!
Having said that, I do it now Iam getting on a bit, just enough though to seem Iam ok with it, but still feels to close, like they might be able to see inside you, read your mind or something, so its look for a while, look away a bit, have another look.
When I was about 10 years old I noticed that people who made little or no eye-contact were considered to be shady, rude, untrustworthy, etc. Within a few days or weeks I realised that I was very much like that, which I found very concerning. I spent the next few years making as much eye-contact with everyone, including random strangers on buses, etc etc as I possibly could and while it was extremely difficult at first, in time (years) it became comfortable and something I just did without thinking about it.
It wasn't until I was in my mid 20s that I realised that too much eye contact can be a bad thing! People often found it intimidating, or otherwise (particularly with girls), they took it as a sign of a high level of interest in them, sometimes romantic, which it just wasn't. After this was pointed out to me I was very self concious for a few months, but I've since reverted back to comfortably making a lot of eye contact with people, mostly because I have just forgotten to care and have reverted to the habit I've had for well over 10 years now. Sometimes I become concious of it, and find it somewhat amusing, perhaps even concerning that I still make a higher than normal amount of eye-contact, but when it starts to produce an unfavourable reaction, I'm now good at noticing and looking away.
It actually now feels quite rude and inappropriate to look anywhere other than into the eyes of someone I'm talking to. I suppose this shows that if you put your mind to it, you can overcome 'negative' or otherwise undesirable aspie traits, at least sometimes. There are certainly others I'd like to overcome which I've been unable to, despite a lifetime of trying.