02-11-2005, 09:22 AM
02-11-2005, 05:03 PM
What is speed dating?
02-11-2005, 05:38 PM
Speed dating
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
Speed dating is a formalized matchmaking process or dating system (a variant of a meeting system where the purpose is to enjoy romantic or friendship dates rather than decide anything). It originated in Jewish circles in the United States as a way to ensure that more Jewish singles met each other in large cities where they were outnumbered by non-Jews. It has been made more popular by its use on dating game shows, e.g. Fifth Wheel, and has recently become popular in the gay community. Supporters argue that speed dating simply saves time, as most people decide if they are romantically compatible very quickly, and first impressions are usually permanent.
In the original idea of speed dating, men and women are rotated to meet each other for only eight minutes each, are forced to the next round no matter how much they are enjoying the interaction (or dread the next one), then submit to the organizers a list of who they would like to see again (a form of approval voting since any number of suitors can be approved). If there is a match, phone numbers are forwarded. They cannot be traded during the initial eight-minute meeting, to reduce pressure (especially on women) to accept or reject a suitor to their face.
Critics of speed dating say it's shallow and tends to reinforce first impressions, which are often shallow to begin with. A scientific view of speed dating is that eight minutes is more than sufficient to determine if the range of a mate's hormones, a key indicator of immunities, is complementary (different) from one's own. This is claimed by some researchers to be the key factor in the so-called "first impression", and since it is olfactory (smell-based), there is no need for two individuals considering child-raising to spend more time on first impressions, it being more important to "sniff out" other mates.
This view is often rejected by critics as reducing humans to dog-like status, sniffing each other and then running off to sniff others. Another objection is that dating has more purposes than the raising of children, and that the invention of speed dating by a religious minority intent on resisting assimilation (and thus resisting cross-breeding) is a cynical move to increase their own population relative to the majority.
Another criticism of speed dating is that it tends to put less extroverted subjects at a disadvantage, while those with low self-esteem have been known to experience depression or even attempt suicide if their efforts at speed dating are unsuccessful.
None of these views seem to contradict each other, and speed dating grows in popularity perhaps due to the very objections that have been raised to it.
Speed dating is considered, due to its low overhead and flexibility, to be akin to an agile method or open space conference. However, what's at stake in dating tends to be very different than the matters decided in an engineering or political conference.
See also: dating system, matchmaking, meeting system.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
Speed dating is a formalized matchmaking process or dating system (a variant of a meeting system where the purpose is to enjoy romantic or friendship dates rather than decide anything). It originated in Jewish circles in the United States as a way to ensure that more Jewish singles met each other in large cities where they were outnumbered by non-Jews. It has been made more popular by its use on dating game shows, e.g. Fifth Wheel, and has recently become popular in the gay community. Supporters argue that speed dating simply saves time, as most people decide if they are romantically compatible very quickly, and first impressions are usually permanent.
In the original idea of speed dating, men and women are rotated to meet each other for only eight minutes each, are forced to the next round no matter how much they are enjoying the interaction (or dread the next one), then submit to the organizers a list of who they would like to see again (a form of approval voting since any number of suitors can be approved). If there is a match, phone numbers are forwarded. They cannot be traded during the initial eight-minute meeting, to reduce pressure (especially on women) to accept or reject a suitor to their face.
Critics of speed dating say it's shallow and tends to reinforce first impressions, which are often shallow to begin with. A scientific view of speed dating is that eight minutes is more than sufficient to determine if the range of a mate's hormones, a key indicator of immunities, is complementary (different) from one's own. This is claimed by some researchers to be the key factor in the so-called "first impression", and since it is olfactory (smell-based), there is no need for two individuals considering child-raising to spend more time on first impressions, it being more important to "sniff out" other mates.
This view is often rejected by critics as reducing humans to dog-like status, sniffing each other and then running off to sniff others. Another objection is that dating has more purposes than the raising of children, and that the invention of speed dating by a religious minority intent on resisting assimilation (and thus resisting cross-breeding) is a cynical move to increase their own population relative to the majority.
Another criticism of speed dating is that it tends to put less extroverted subjects at a disadvantage, while those with low self-esteem have been known to experience depression or even attempt suicide if their efforts at speed dating are unsuccessful.
None of these views seem to contradict each other, and speed dating grows in popularity perhaps due to the very objections that have been raised to it.
Speed dating is considered, due to its low overhead and flexibility, to be akin to an agile method or open space conference. However, what's at stake in dating tends to be very different than the matters decided in an engineering or political conference.
See also: dating system, matchmaking, meeting system.
02-11-2005, 06:35 PM
Quote:
Another criticism of speed dating is that it tends to put less extroverted subjects at a disadvantage
Thanks for the explanation. It sounds interesting, but according to the above quote, would put the majority of aspies at a disadvantage (it wouldn't work for me, it would only confuse me and lead to overload). But I know there are autistic people who are outgoing :shock: , and it might work for them. I don't know which type you are.
02-11-2005, 07:23 PM
"Falling in Love in Three Minutes or Less"
It seems that the heart wants what the heart wants -- and it can figure it out fairly quickly, according to evolutionary psychologists at the University of Pennsylvania. The researchers studied dating data from 10,526 anonymous participants of HurryDate, a company that organizes "speed dating" sessions, and found rare behavioral data on how people genuinely act in dating situations.
"Although they had three minutes, most participants made their decision based on the information that they probably got in the first three seconds," Kurzban said. "Somewhat surprisingly, factors that you might think would be really important to people, like religion, education and income, played very little role in their choices."
http://www.scienceblog.com/cms/node/6958
I haven't tried speed dating myself, so I don't know how it is -- but good-luck if you do decide to try it. Can't hurt to actually meet people if you're looking for someone to date!
It seems that the heart wants what the heart wants -- and it can figure it out fairly quickly, according to evolutionary psychologists at the University of Pennsylvania. The researchers studied dating data from 10,526 anonymous participants of HurryDate, a company that organizes "speed dating" sessions, and found rare behavioral data on how people genuinely act in dating situations.
"Although they had three minutes, most participants made their decision based on the information that they probably got in the first three seconds," Kurzban said. "Somewhat surprisingly, factors that you might think would be really important to people, like religion, education and income, played very little role in their choices."
http://www.scienceblog.com/cms/node/6958
I haven't tried speed dating myself, so I don't know how it is -- but good-luck if you do decide to try it. Can't hurt to actually meet people if you're looking for someone to date!
02-12-2005, 08:28 PM
I'm confused, why is this under Treatment in Society? ::obsessive organizing and filing gene flaring up::
03-10-2005, 09:32 AM
On Richard & Judy's talk-show the other night there was an item about "speed nannying" i.e. the parents spend 5 minutes with each prospective nanny and decide on the basis of that whom to employ! Whatever next - speed ASD diagnosis?
By way of explaining why I put this under "treatment in society", here's some email correspondence I had with the organiser of the last speed dating event in Exeter:
By way of explaining why I put this under "treatment in society", here's some email correspondence I had with the organiser of the last speed dating event in Exeter:
One Fine Date Wrote:
Thanks for your e-mail.
After looking up Asperger syndrome myself I can sympathise with you.
As speed dating relies on social skills it is hard to say whether you would be suited to speed dating.
Nobody forces themselves to go out with people they are not attracted to.
It is a normal reaction to be attracted to a person straight away, like the saying that people can tell if they like or dislike someone within the first ten seconds of speaking to them: it's a chemistry thing.
Were you thinking of attending??
Asperger syndrome does answer a few questions about people I have met in the past though.
I meet a lot of people who attend our events and don't really seem to have a good grasp of how to communicate face to face with other people in a successful fasion.
Kind regards and good luck.
Paul.
----- Original Message -----
To: <info@onefinedate.co.uk>
Sent: Thursday, February 26, 2004 9:30 AM
>
>I'm 28 and have never had a relationship. Two years ago I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome.
>
> All the magazines and self-help books aimed at women my age assume that everyone has a track record of previous relationships. Anyone would think that women as inexperienced as me don't exist outside of convents. While I don't doubt I'm heterosexual, it has always taken me a very long time - weeks or months- to become attracted to someone. The eyes-meeting-across-a-crowded-room scenario is sooo not me. It's difficult to see how I could become attracted to someone in five minutes flat. Or is the idea behind speed dating that you force yourself to go out with people you are not attracted to, on the offchance that it might, just might, eventually "click"?
>
> When I moved out of my parents' home in London to start my current job in Berkshire two years ago, I joined clubs and societies, just as agony aunts always say you should. (Notwithstanding that when I consider all the couples I know I am hard put to name any who actually met through such activities.) I played with two recorder ensembles, walked with two rambling clubs, joined the office table-tennis club and attended the local Quaker meeting whenever I could. Being a committed environmentalist, I'm a member of six "green"organisations, but they don't provide opportunities for meeting people outside of conferences. (I went to the Green Party spring conference once and it was crap: clique-y atmosphere and people too busy discussing the precise wording of a clause in the manifesto to get involved in conversation.)
>
> But none of these activities led to friendships, let alone relationships. Either the activity itself got in the way of conversation, or the meetings were too infrequent to remember people's names from one time to the next - whatever the reason, conversation never seemed to get beyond "What was your name again?" or "How's the job?" Then in October I was moved with my job from Berkshire to Devon, so I have to go through the same rigmarole all over again. Judging by past experiences it will be at least another two years before I get close to someone. By then I'll be 31. I'm not getting any younger nor evidently any more attractive.
>
> Meanwhile back in London my brother is surrounded by friends he's known for years, some since school - he has no need whatsoever to join clubs and societies and make banal conversation with shallow acquaintances, nor does he. He travelled overland from Uzbekhistan to Japan for the World Cup with a friend he met at university (he graduated in 1996). Is he the exception that proves the rule? I don't think so. Whereas if I go on holiday I am faced with the choice of either going on my own or going on an organised group holiday, that is to say with a group of people I don't know from Adam and who may all be twice my age. I would count myself lucky just to receive an email or a Christmas card from any of my one-time university friends, but most of them haven't even signed up to Friends Reunited.
After looking up Asperger syndrome myself I can sympathise with you.
As speed dating relies on social skills it is hard to say whether you would be suited to speed dating.
Nobody forces themselves to go out with people they are not attracted to.
It is a normal reaction to be attracted to a person straight away, like the saying that people can tell if they like or dislike someone within the first ten seconds of speaking to them: it's a chemistry thing.
Were you thinking of attending??
Asperger syndrome does answer a few questions about people I have met in the past though.
I meet a lot of people who attend our events and don't really seem to have a good grasp of how to communicate face to face with other people in a successful fasion.
Kind regards and good luck.
Paul.
----- Original Message -----
To: <info@onefinedate.co.uk>
Sent: Thursday, February 26, 2004 9:30 AM
>
>I'm 28 and have never had a relationship. Two years ago I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome.
>
> All the magazines and self-help books aimed at women my age assume that everyone has a track record of previous relationships. Anyone would think that women as inexperienced as me don't exist outside of convents. While I don't doubt I'm heterosexual, it has always taken me a very long time - weeks or months- to become attracted to someone. The eyes-meeting-across-a-crowded-room scenario is sooo not me. It's difficult to see how I could become attracted to someone in five minutes flat. Or is the idea behind speed dating that you force yourself to go out with people you are not attracted to, on the offchance that it might, just might, eventually "click"?
>
> When I moved out of my parents' home in London to start my current job in Berkshire two years ago, I joined clubs and societies, just as agony aunts always say you should. (Notwithstanding that when I consider all the couples I know I am hard put to name any who actually met through such activities.) I played with two recorder ensembles, walked with two rambling clubs, joined the office table-tennis club and attended the local Quaker meeting whenever I could. Being a committed environmentalist, I'm a member of six "green"organisations, but they don't provide opportunities for meeting people outside of conferences. (I went to the Green Party spring conference once and it was crap: clique-y atmosphere and people too busy discussing the precise wording of a clause in the manifesto to get involved in conversation.)
>
> But none of these activities led to friendships, let alone relationships. Either the activity itself got in the way of conversation, or the meetings were too infrequent to remember people's names from one time to the next - whatever the reason, conversation never seemed to get beyond "What was your name again?" or "How's the job?" Then in October I was moved with my job from Berkshire to Devon, so I have to go through the same rigmarole all over again. Judging by past experiences it will be at least another two years before I get close to someone. By then I'll be 31. I'm not getting any younger nor evidently any more attractive.
>
> Meanwhile back in London my brother is surrounded by friends he's known for years, some since school - he has no need whatsoever to join clubs and societies and make banal conversation with shallow acquaintances, nor does he. He travelled overland from Uzbekhistan to Japan for the World Cup with a friend he met at university (he graduated in 1996). Is he the exception that proves the rule? I don't think so. Whereas if I go on holiday I am faced with the choice of either going on my own or going on an organised group holiday, that is to say with a group of people I don't know from Adam and who may all be twice my age. I would count myself lucky just to receive an email or a Christmas card from any of my one-time university friends, but most of them haven't even signed up to Friends Reunited.
03-10-2005, 12:22 PM
All i'll say is that their is a big difference between physical/sexual attraction and feeling close to someone emotionally.
I once had a friend who went through what seemed like a new girlfriend every few weeks. This is a classic example of going with someone based on physical attraction purely.
Personally, i believe that friendship is a major part in romantic relationships, it can't work based purely on sexual attraction. My future wife is my best friend.
I once had a friend who went through what seemed like a new girlfriend every few weeks. This is a classic example of going with someone based on physical attraction purely.
Personally, i believe that friendship is a major part in romantic relationships, it can't work based purely on sexual attraction. My future wife is my best friend.
01-21-2008, 03:09 PM
Gareth Wrote:
All i'll say is that their is a big difference between physical/sexual attraction and feeling close to someone emotionally.
I once had a friend who went through what seemed like a new girlfriend every few weeks. This is a classic example of going with someone based on physical attraction purely.
Personally, i believe that friendship is a major part in romantic relationships, it can't work based purely on sexual attraction. My future wife is my best friend.
I once had a friend who went through what seemed like a new girlfriend every few weeks. This is a classic example of going with someone based on physical attraction purely.
Personally, i believe that friendship is a major part in romantic relationships, it can't work based purely on sexual attraction. My future wife is my best friend.
Friendships also take time to develop and romance stories are full of examples where the main protagonists really dislike each other at first and then end up in love.
I can't see how "speed dating" would suit most Aspies, or indeed, anybody who had emotional depth.
01-21-2008, 04:13 PM
Aeolienne Wrote:
On Richard & Judy's talk-show the other night there was an item about "speed nannying" i.e. the parents spend 5 minutes with each prospective nanny and decide on the basis of that whom to employ! Whatever next - speed ASD diagnosis?
Have you dated Aspies yet?
I am curious to know if the theory that us-clicks-with-us is true. So far it seems that the theory that us-does-not-click-with-us is true.
I've seen your picture, you're gorgeous darling! What's wrong with British men?
I don't know what's wrong with American men! There's a Jewish lawyer over in Bethesda and for a long time guys wouldn't date her cuz she's in a wheelchair (she's gorgeous and intelligent too, and a great personality, and if I was Jewish and not Christian I wouldn't have waited a second. The two of us seem committed to our respective different religions however. I joined as an adult and it was my own idea.)
Hang in there. You remind me of my group leader from Scotland, Suzy. She graduated from Turriff. I think she's a brunette (I think the blond is just a dye). Before she made group lead I did like her, actually, but I try my best "don't ask, don't tell"
Don't ask for a date at work
Don't tell what you feel about your co-workers
Maybe it is the scots-Irish, Welsh, and English in me. Christopher Marsh.
01-22-2008, 02:53 PM
Uh, if you rule out workmates, you rule out just about all your chances. It's not sensible to cut out so many opportunities in one fell swoop.
01-22-2008, 04:02 PM
Unless they leave, then they are fair game.
I was discussing the matter with the HR woman downstairs to see if I was correct. I was.
(this letter was practice organizing my thoughts when I asked her verbally just before a company awards ceremony (January 11) when many employees brought their opposite sex sweethearts)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jan. 2 2008
[Ms. ________________ ]
Just requesting an affirmation that a hands-off dating policy at work remains the best advice, and wondering if I am correct why.
I have had an interesting blog-dialogue about this subject with an Asperger woman in Queensland who insists that most people have little time outside of work as it is, and those who defend her position quote statistics such as 55% of workers violate the rule anyway.
Sure enough, when we play this game, we play with a handicap, at least the very fine-tuned nonverbal communication for me, although I have learned to be on the alert (consciously) to watch for subtle cues for many years now. Sometimes it seems suspiciously that I almost don’t attract average women but attract a disproportionate number of women with Asperger(??) or very similar alternate neurologies. (I am really confused if it is that or being fat or both)
Is my guess of why our policy is good emotional protection correct, and can you add to it?
DTI is different from many places because we maintain professionalism (which has respect at its core). Respect must be vigilantly maintained and guarded against one’s emotions. Dating allows emotions to get out of the box and it can be no holds barred, just like Jerry Springer (how so-called significant others treat one another on TV). Respect is in jeopardy and so is fair treatment. Especially in management, but everywhere, mastery of self and emotions is critical to the organization and everyone in it.
Everyone must succeed at something and be recognized for it. I know I attract relatively little attention from women. The last thing one would want is to associate a successful career with a depressing incident. The Titanic almost did not sink: its bulkheads were not completely watertight. With watertight bulkheads, it might not have sunk.
I know we have had good marriages from relationships between employees and ex-employees. Perhaps it worked well for them but might not be appropriate in my case. Why not? Or if so, why?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, tenaciouscj, you inspired this one by direct reference. You did too, Pakrat, but not by direct reference.
Emotions is like a wild dog. We keep it in its cage, we are OK. Sometimes someone somewhere decides to date someone at work. It is like walking your emotions on a leash. Whoa, down boy, whoa!
You're trying to treat everybody the same, you're trying to discipline people fairly, avoid people throwing lines like "oh you like her or him better", what about all the drama in a relationship played out at work? Isn't there an HR person on this board to collaborate this?
I told my psych I'd ask a quitting colleague out after her quit was final. Her quit was final Friday. I think she left without leaving an email address. Neither of us brought anyone to the award ceremony Jan. 11.
When her previous colleague quit, I did not ask her (she showed no interest or hid it very well, I hate to say I figured out my place, but I think you can "guess" if she "likes" you nonverbally if you like her nonverbally).
I was discussing the matter with the HR woman downstairs to see if I was correct. I was.
(this letter was practice organizing my thoughts when I asked her verbally just before a company awards ceremony (January 11) when many employees brought their opposite sex sweethearts)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jan. 2 2008
[Ms. ________________ ]
Just requesting an affirmation that a hands-off dating policy at work remains the best advice, and wondering if I am correct why.
I have had an interesting blog-dialogue about this subject with an Asperger woman in Queensland who insists that most people have little time outside of work as it is, and those who defend her position quote statistics such as 55% of workers violate the rule anyway.
Sure enough, when we play this game, we play with a handicap, at least the very fine-tuned nonverbal communication for me, although I have learned to be on the alert (consciously) to watch for subtle cues for many years now. Sometimes it seems suspiciously that I almost don’t attract average women but attract a disproportionate number of women with Asperger(??) or very similar alternate neurologies. (I am really confused if it is that or being fat or both)
Is my guess of why our policy is good emotional protection correct, and can you add to it?
DTI is different from many places because we maintain professionalism (which has respect at its core). Respect must be vigilantly maintained and guarded against one’s emotions. Dating allows emotions to get out of the box and it can be no holds barred, just like Jerry Springer (how so-called significant others treat one another on TV). Respect is in jeopardy and so is fair treatment. Especially in management, but everywhere, mastery of self and emotions is critical to the organization and everyone in it.
Everyone must succeed at something and be recognized for it. I know I attract relatively little attention from women. The last thing one would want is to associate a successful career with a depressing incident. The Titanic almost did not sink: its bulkheads were not completely watertight. With watertight bulkheads, it might not have sunk.
I know we have had good marriages from relationships between employees and ex-employees. Perhaps it worked well for them but might not be appropriate in my case. Why not? Or if so, why?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, tenaciouscj, you inspired this one by direct reference. You did too, Pakrat, but not by direct reference.
Emotions is like a wild dog. We keep it in its cage, we are OK. Sometimes someone somewhere decides to date someone at work. It is like walking your emotions on a leash. Whoa, down boy, whoa!
You're trying to treat everybody the same, you're trying to discipline people fairly, avoid people throwing lines like "oh you like her or him better", what about all the drama in a relationship played out at work? Isn't there an HR person on this board to collaborate this?
I told my psych I'd ask a quitting colleague out after her quit was final. Her quit was final Friday. I think she left without leaving an email address. Neither of us brought anyone to the award ceremony Jan. 11.
When her previous colleague quit, I did not ask her (she showed no interest or hid it very well, I hate to say I figured out my place, but I think you can "guess" if she "likes" you nonverbally if you like her nonverbally).
01-27-2008, 06:10 PM
Funny to see this old thread revived. Not much has happened since I last posted. There has been one speed dating event in Exeter in all that time, and I bought a ticket only to cancel on the night because I had a cold. That's the trouble with living out in the sticks: many so-called "national" roadshows think it's enough to do Bristol to do the south-west.
I wonder what old thread of mine will be next to resurface. Maybe "1210donna" will bump up the "Buying a property" thread and share the secrets of how she managed to ascend 2 rungs of the property ladder during her stint in Great Britain.
I wonder what old thread of mine will be next to resurface. Maybe "1210donna" will bump up the "Buying a property" thread and share the secrets of how she managed to ascend 2 rungs of the property ladder during her stint in Great Britain.
02-05-2008, 10:35 AM
Ooh, I still think speed dating sounds gruesome. Maybe you had a lucky escape not being able to attend.