There is a man in my team who is self dx Aspergers (to the best of my knowledge). He isn't very well liked because he comes across as pompous, boring, loud and self-opinionated.
I know he tries really hard to fit in with the team socially but he takes on too much work and then gets very stressed. He doesn't want any sort of assistance with his work.
He has been held up to me as an example of a person who has spent a lot of time on self-development (by somebody I know of through local autism support groups) but I find it painful to watch him trying so hard and knowing that other people think he's acting like a prat.
He's told me I come across as being unintelligent because of the tone of my voice and because I speak somehow "strangely" (he doesn't specify exactly how - I know I have a soft voice and stumble over words sometimes). He even said I didn't try hard enough.
So, the dilemma is - should any of us tell him he's trying too hard and just to ease up? I realise he might not be able to help much of his behaviour but wonder if the self-development has really been as successful as he'd like to think.
He's tried for so many promotions but always gets knocked back. This again is something I find upsetting as he's got no clue as to why his interpersonal skills are found lacking.
I again think I might be alittle bit too Hakuna Matata. I think he should understand that it is easier to understand the environments if he relax now and then. It sounds like he is tense at the workplace all the time, which I think could easily lead to depression.
I'd agree there. He seems very tense much of the time.
Eh this is a difficult one; I see your dilemma:- you want to help him understand his situation--but you don't want offend him.
I suppose it all depends on whether he's likely to take the advice? Some people have difficulty seeing the truth, even when it's staring them in the face.
Is he likely to modify his behaviour? If he isn't there's not much point in talking to him.
Telling him to ease up on work, shouldn’t cause offence…he might even take it as a compliment. You could joke with him about it; then he'll note what your saying without it seeming too threatening.
As for his interpersonal problems--perhaps you could be subtle--try and help him fit into the team without making it obvious what others think of him.
Yes I'd say the self-development really hasn't worked. Before you can have self development you must have self-awareness--and it doesn't seem he's got very much of that.
The fact that you're even thinking of helping this guy after the stuff he said about you is amazing; saying that you 'come across as being unintelligent'--'didn't try hard enough'--what a joke--you're certainly cleverer than he is.
Remember that he is an aspie, so there's a risk in giving him a compliment. It could easily be misinterpreted. But I don't know him.
Remember that he is an aspie, so there's a risk in giving him a compliment. It could easily be misinterpreted. But I don't know him.
True...but if we start second guessing ourselves then we'll never get anything done.
He has been held up to me as an example of a person who has spent a lot of time on self-development (by somebody I know of through local autism support groups)
When one is a 'minority member" (as almost all of us are) there is nothing more obnoxious than having one Model Minority Member held up as The Shining Example of the proper kind of Aspie (or whatever) we all should be.
All it ever means is that this person is the one who has dedicated every miserable moment of his existence to being JUST LIKE the "normal" people. And as you say, the person is usually making a fool (a prat 
) of himself with his desperate attempts to "perfect" himself to someone else's standards.
He said he's done a fair bit of leadership training and presentations but people who've gone to his presentations say they aren't so easy to understand. He also uses lots of our internal jargon on the phone to his clients and representatives and then they fail to understand and the whole call becomes a big shemozzle.
The people sitting on either side of him at work find it hard to listen to because it's as if he's endlessly spinning his wheels in the sand and getting nowhere.
I would say it's fairly unlikely he'd listen to much advice so the only person he might listen to is the boss and the boss is the kind of person who very much dislikes confrontations and unpleasantness. I think we'll probably have to just cope as best we can but it really irritates me to be seen as a lesser person because I don't put on such a front to impress people.
There's a fine line between showing assertiveness and assurance and in appearing pompous and farty.
One piece of advice I can offer is if you decide to talk to this person, try to do it in a one-on-one format outside of work. Go out for lunch or a drink (if you're so inclined) - you could even offer to pay. I've found this to be less confrontational, and it seems to me that people are less defensive and more likely to listen when it's one-on-one.
You are very sweet to care about him. Years ago, my husband, who has a little toe on the spectrum, was asked by management (very politely) to take a "Dale Carnegie" class. Dale Carnegie was an American who wrote a very popular self-help book on how to better relate and deal with others, how to be a good listener, how to be popular even.
His courses are still taught today. Maybe you have something similar in your community or online. His boss could tell him he must take the course at some point if he wants a promotion.
I know after my husband took it he was better with customers.
I would rate him as excellent where social interaction is concerned now. He never loses his cool with clients, ever.
I remember this other guy in class which I often now wonder was autistic. He had apparently some kind of dx as I perceived it with a more private chat between him and his teacher.
I think he constantly wanted to be part of the gang.
In the breaks I would see me sitting and drawing totally isolated from the rest of the class, a quite introverted muslim girl draw in the other end of the classroom, a big circle of people talking in another side of the room, and about one and a half meter outside that ring he would stand and watch the conversation.
Other students often teased him and what that seemed like tricking him to think one of the girls were in love with him (which she even participated with).
I was intentionally avoiding social contact. I am not going to brag because I could certainly do better at school, but he was definitely not very successful at school. He would get grades like 2 and 3 (I guess that would be D and E), leaning towards 2 I think.
I think he did some rather bad priorities.
You are very sweet to care about him.
I would rate him as excellent where social interaction is concerned now. He never loses his cool with clients, ever.
I would tell this man but tell him strongly phrased as a tool to make things go better.
I almost never lose my cool at work, too, certainly not with clients. Fortunately, I haven't been the member of my team on the phone once.
Today my boss said I was quite within my rights to ask my workmate to please not click his biro when he's talking on the phone because it is distracting me from my work. Just have to get up the courage to do it. If I chicken out maybe I could send him an e-mail.