Aspies For Freedom

Hi. So how am I going to start..?!
...I'm pretty curious, because I have some unusual difficulties and skills, and lately the difficulties has become larger than me, and I'm trying to get professional help.

I have for years been suspicious of having some kind of mild version of autism, but I have ignored it, because I don't feel like I have time for issues like that in my life.

I don't have any written diagnosis today.
But I know I have social phobia, and I was earlier getting medicated for Bipolar 2 disorder, but I got really sick from the medication, without any positive results.


Theres some things about me, that's maybe "autistic"-behavior..:

» I don't feel comfortable by being touched by anybody, especially not men. And nobody can touch my face.
If I get to much physical stimuli from strangers, I start getting tics. (Facial and neck twists).

The best example for me, is that it's almost like if all people is giving an constant current of eclectic voltage. Maybe like 110v.
I'm not able to concentrate on any other complicated thoughts while I'm in physical touch with someone.
The exceptions is with my son, and if I have a girlfriend.With a girlfriend it seams like I just can't get enough physical contact.
If I get one of the family kids on my lap, i have to submit to thoughts and ideas like "It's okay", "be happy" and "it's good for the kid".
And a friendly hand on the shoulder is as disturbing to me, as if someone were standing on my toe.

» I don't remember numbers, names, dates and i confuse tings easily, but I have an average IQ of 130.
I have a very good visual memory. I remember what I see but some kind of theoretical things just "passes me by".
I find this pretty confusing. When it comes to understanding complicated things like physics it's all pretty easy and logical. But I'm almost incapable of remembering phone numbers.

» Sounds
I'm basically not able concentrate at one sound or voice and exclude other's.
Like if my brother calls me on the phone, I can not concentrate on what he says if his TV is on, or if his kids are playing in the background.

» I believe there's some emotions I don't understand, or I am able to completely shut them off. To me pain is more or less optional.
This used to be a benefit to me, but after i got my son, it has become reason for many worries.
I believe I sometimes misread him. And I'm not able to comfort. I just don't know what to do?
I don't what him to think he has an could father who doesn't care. I really care, but I don't have the right reaction pattern.

» Socially
I doesn't feel like I got any social needs at all. I can basically be all by my selves for weeks and I never feel the need for visiting friends or anybody. (He, he.. I basically don't have any friends).
If I want to be with someone, it's basically motivated by the interest of sharing ideas, talk about interesting stuff and discuss complicated subjects.
I find normal people to be very boring and almost ignorant.


I don't have a  wish to be autistic or labeled with aspergers or any other "psychological illness", but if I'm going to be able to live a normal life in the future I might require the right treatment.
Theres allot of things about me that I didn't mention here, but don't be afraid to ask. I'm not sure what's "normal" anyways.
I'm also pretty aware that many of the things I have mentioned could be connected to social phobia, neglection and abuse in my childhood. But I don't know what came first, so I just want your second opinion on things anyways.

I'm not asking anybody to give me a diagnosis. I just want to know what you think. I don't want to suggest autism to an psychiatrist unless I believe it's a good reason to do so. And I don't want to be treated for things like bipolar disorder and social phobia, if that's not the main issue here.
I am a grown up man, and I don't want to waste more time of my life on "mistreatment".

I did these tests from the forum post "Online tests and information for autism and aspergers".

» At http://www.thegeeksyndrome.com/ i got 30, and the test suggests Aspergers
» At http://www.msnbc.com/modules/newsweek/au...efault.asp I score 29. (..I woud like to "rip this test apart"! It's just to shallow and got to many weaknesses and "errors". I belive allmost anybody could easely fake autism if I wanted to, on this test).
» At http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php Your Aspie score: 146 of 200, Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 57 of 200, You are very likely an Aspie. (I shuld probably take this quis in Swedish later, It's more close to my mother language).
» At the http://www.guardian.co.uk/life/news/page...43,00.html I got 37 at the EQ and 45 at the SQ. (..which puts me on the borderline between an "Type S" and "Extreme Type S" kind of brain).

Maybe I should look at the next tests later.

From some of the tests, especially the last one, I realize that feminine sides and social abilities is an important part of the diagnosing proses.
In my case, I have learned allot about social behavior by studying others, to be able predict things enough to be prepared.
It's basically personal self learned "survival skills", and not something I'm born with.
So if I should answer from how things would be without the social skills that I have learned, things would probably look pretty different.

He, he..Thanks for the feedback.

I'm learning allot about what's "normal", and about myselves lately.

When it comes to "sensory issues", i got surprised several times trough the tests about some of the questions.
For each question about sharp sounds, smell, strong light, taste physical contact, I almost wanted to say; "how did they know?".
Nobody have seriously asked me these questions before.
And when I have tried to tell people about things like "that sound hurts", and that I can recognize the smell of different types of bacteria, and similar things, people hasn't been taking me seriously.
I maybe don't have to feel stupid about things like that anymore?

He, he.. This is cool. When I was married, I could smell in the neck of my wife, and know if she was getting her period.

I don't know if we got a better sense of smelling than others, or if it's just the minds ability to sort an categorize different smells who is the thing here.
But I would sure like to take a smelling test in a laboratory, to see what I'm actually capable of.

Also in a hearing test in military, the doctor first thought I was trying to fool him, when I respondedd to some sounds who's supposed to be above the normal human sound spectrum.
I'm not sure I would be able to do the same today, but maybe?

<blockquote>
At http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php Your Aspie score: 146 of 200, Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 57 of 200, You are very likely an Aspie. (I shuld probably take this quis in Swedish later, It's more close to my mother language).
</blockquote>

This test is impressive. It read like the author knew my life intimately. I mean, no one else knows about being fascinated by slow streams of water.

I got a 155 out of 200.

Motor difficulties: 7.4
Perception differences: 7.4
Aspie talent: 8.1
Aspie disability: 7.3
Social differences: 8.0
Aspie instincts: 7.4
Aspie communication: 6.8
NT communication difficulties: 7.7

I'm attentively reading the PDF report now. Amazing!

I did the test at http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php again. And did the Swedish version this time.
I don't understand what the numbers means, but the "Aspie score" was 141 of 200, and my neurotypical (non-autistic) score was 51 of 200.
And "You are very likely an Aspie". (..in Swedish)

(..
At the earlier English version I got:
Aspie score: 146 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 57 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie.
..)

And by the way, at the pdf report i got these results in addition:

Motor difficulties: 4.2 (Normal)
Perception differences: 7.4
Aspie talent: 7.9
Aspie disability: 6.8
Social differences: 7.9
Aspie instincts: 7.1
Aspie communication: 6.0 (Normal)
NT communication difficulties: 7.2

I don't really like to put several different subjects in the same post, so I use this post to respond, and another later maybe to bring up other issues or discuss even further.

I'm pretty impressed with all the fast responds to my "quest". Usually in forums I get stupid answers like; "if you had red this post: "http://www...." posted 3 days ago, so you shuld know better". Or people who try to find the smallest error in whats written, an complain about things who's not a part of the main subject".

You'r actually helping me.

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Isn't it normal to  get the attention drawn to slow streams of water, flames and patterns?
I thought that was something that the mainstream does?


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Yeah!

Hm.. I really wish to know what came first of things like Autistic/Aspergers-social problems and Social Phobia in my case.
» I used to believe that I got Social Phobia and isolation tendencies because of being mistreated and mugged, and now it seams like maybe I got mistreated and mugged because of being a "odd" and "spacey" kid.

I really don't feel socially isolated by others. My problem is more like I don't want to be as close to people as they want to be to me. And I usually "give a ***" about what the average person think or say about me.
» As long as you do what's you'r best to be nice and not hurting anybodys feelings, I don't think you should torture yourselves and feel impaired by not being able to "play life" by the average persons social rules. (This have been one of mine survival tactics, and it helps allot).

When it comes to tics, I don't really know much about it. I find it pretty disturbing, because it feels like I can control them, or atleast delay them to a more appropriate moment. But still they are there now and then.
If I'm with someone who have ticks I get more ticks, and I get disturbed in my thoughts, because I'm afraid that the other person think I'm kidding with him.
Some times I also stutter and get some kind of word delays. Both tings is pretty irritating, because I got this things after I became an adult, and there's no obvious pattern to why and when it happens.

Eh?! I'm not sure what you mean. Do you mean "feeling" like in "symptoms"?

I don't think many people is jealous. I tried to do "highschool", and physics and nature science was the only 2 subjects of 7-8 main subjects I actually was able to get "pass score". And I tried HARD! ..because I'm pretty incapable of remembering equation rules, dates, names and numbers.
And I have been single and divorced for 8 years now. He, he..

I have "fortunately" not been diagnosed yet, but this forum thread definitely makes me feel "there's light in the end of the tunnel". All my life I have been fighting and trying to understand the system. And if i fit in this "set of rules", then I don't have to "stumble aimlessly around", without understanding whats happening anymore.

»»»

Smoking helps. He, he.. Kidding. I'm not smoking anymore, but the wish to weaken my sense of smelling, used to be my main excuse for smoking. I fortunately were able to qut some time ago.

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Hm.. Good point. I definitely think so.

Maybe they should start testing a person they think might have Bipolar for Asperges first?!

It seems to me, (from the little I know form the diagnosis), that th Bipolar II could be "camouflaged" by HFA or Asperger's.  ..?!
What do you mean by; "..overloads that occur at particular days of the week"? Drugs? Alchohol?

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Hei! Ble litt paranoid ett lite øyeblikk, men så kom jeg på at "Norwegian" sikkert stod i profilen min. He, he..
(EN: Got abit paranoid for a brief moment, but then i realized that "Norweigan" probably is written in my profile. He, he.. ).

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I think it's about how good we speak "aspie". He, he.. Kidding.
I'm pretty sure it's about to how great degree your communication has typical aspie tendencies.

I hope that we're of some help, though as you can see I'm still confused between personality/ or perhaps "aspie" and my own, and perhaps, your classification as BPII based on depression treatments.

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Yes, but not to the same degree. The "normies" like watching planes at the local airport or fireworks. However, most seem to require more stimulation and noise. Watching the Ball at Universal Studios doesn't seem to attract more than a fleeting attention for them, nor does watching a waterfall, or pondering steam.

Kids are cruel. Adults can be as well when you don't see the hidden motivations and self-disclose too much.

I never did stutter but instead will interrupt the class {I take classes} and either ask too many questions or theorize in front of the group which is of no help whatsoever. Sometimes I will have trouble accessing information in my memory {perhaps in the social paths that aren't used as much} and then will obsess about it. Circular thinking such as this leads to self-doubt issues.

I had nervousness in my early twenties more than now.

Don't put yourself down. There are bound to be things that you are good at doing. For example: At one time I had social difficulties in college and decided to enter the trades.

Others found me very useful in that I could quickly diagnose problems using schematic drawings and circuit diagrams. I would draw out the more complex diagrams in a linear format so as to trace the problems.

I also had a map of the entire city in my head, and so could easily get to a service call quickly.

When I study I use ear muffs to block out all noise...even at a public library. You could try taking the cell out on the porch, or not using a corded phone.

But, you are bothered by this and so it seems you will seek out friends when you feel the time is right. I moved and have had few friends over the last three years. When you have time, or friends present themselves I'll bet that you'll seek them.

If you are depressed or worrying about your differences, it may make the process more difficult.

For example, I spend too much time self diagnosing and reading which leads to hyperactivity and staying up most of the night. I'm experiencing some mild euphoria and distraction which probably doesn't help matters either.

Unfortunately, the system isn't very good in both that services only go to the squeeky wheel and in that diagnoses cover uncharted territory, the human mind.

Seek the attention and help that you need. Me, I'm going to play bipolar for the time being since that's the only way that I can get the med that alleviated depression.

The rest is fun in the sun.

I don't know what's the right "criteria" for being classified as some kind of Aspie or HFA, and ther's 3 tings I like to discuss, because it doesn't  seam to me to be a part of the "Aspie/HFA mainstream".

Numbers, dates, names, rules:
» I HATE numbers. Not really but almost.
I understand numbers but I don't remember them. After 3-4 years I have been able to learn my social security number, my bank account number and my phone number.
These 3 numbers is the only 3 numers with more than 4 dights that I actually remember.
My bank account number starts with 0540, I say it like "O-Five-Forty" if someone says it like "Cero-Five-hundred-and-forty", then I'm not able to recognize the number.
I have no pin code on my cellphone, and I remember the 4 digt. code for my bank card by knowing the pattern of the numberpad at the terminals. So if the number was 1234, to me it would be upper left, upper, upper right & left - in a visual image in my mind.
» When It comes to dates, I can easely mix decades, i frequently mix 1993 and 2003.
I have severe problems remembering what year my son was born, and I'm not allways sure how old I am, and how old I'm going to become.
» I have a hard time remembering any kind of names, unless I can connect them to something.
If a guy is called Kenneth I learn that immediately, because i already have a friend called Kenneth. What I actually do to remember, is that I visualize my friend Kenneth's face upon the new Kenneth's face.
» For a long time, I had problems by remembering a simple rule like "Bier before wine is fine", to me "Wine before bier is fine" sounded more right phonetically.
All kind of rules I mix, probably because I'm thinking too much.

»» This Number, dates, names, rules thing is my greatest problem in life.
I was not able to complete normal schooling, because to me history is just allot of interesting stores whiteout dates, names, and locations. Mathematics is allot of numbers who constantly change for no apparent reason, who's going to be ordered and altered by a bunch of rules that I cant find in my head when I need them.  ..and so on..
I have an appointment, if I'm going to remember it I have to make an alarm on my cellphone. If I don't hear the cellphone I don't have an appointment.
I have almost no feeling of time. Some times 10 minutes feels like 1 hour, and sometimes one hour feels like 10 minutes. One month can feel like one week and the opposite.
It takes me a big chunk of concentration to remember what I ate for breakfast, what I ate yesterday is difficult to try to figure out. What I ate the day before yesterday, I have no Idea. I could probably find it out within a couple of hours if i concentrate.

Enough about that part of my mind who's probably switched off.

Social/communications:
I'm not very social but I can pretend to be, and usually that's what have to do.
I can usually read people pretty easily, and I find them to be very predictable. I can mingle with anybody, and be who they want me to be instantly.
I don't like this subject, because it could make me seem to be a cold and heartless monster.
I care about people, and I want to help people who suffer, but unfortunately the things I don't understand, I have to fake and, I'm really good at it, if I want too.
If someone say, What do you think about my new haircut. I try to be honest, but I could easily peak this "superficial" individual's self esteem to new heights. ..but I don't, because It's dishonest.
I find almost no challenge in normal people, and I usually think they are pretty boring.

But when it comes to Aspie/HFA diagnosis, I'm probably supposed to have difficulties understanding and "reading" people.
So what who could be a "autistic-skill" in my case, is actually changing my diagnosis to be less autistic?

Motor Difficulties:
I believe I have normal or better then normal motorical skills.
» When it comes to small objects and details, I'm usually more steady and precise then most people.
» When it comes to reaction in computer games like Rally Sport or First Person Shooter games, I'm usually normally good in the beginning and after a couple of hours my skills go more and more down. After maybe 4 hours of playing, I'm not able to compete with other's anymore.
» I have now and then have extreme reflections.
Once me and my x-wife had visitors, and a mug of water was falling down from the table.
I managed to take it in a controlled way, in the air right before it hit the floor, whiteout spilling a drop.
What who surprised me, was that it felt like I did it in slow-motion, and I did it totally subconsciously. It was "just a reflection".
The reason I noticed the incident was that the guests said: "Wow, how did you do that?".
So from that day I started to notice.
» I was very clumsy as a kid.

»» I know it could seam like I'm bragging about things here. But that's not the purpose.
I'm pretty desperate, and I tell about these things because I'm not sure what who could be Autistic, or maybe something else.
And If I could change all my good sides into being normal, in exchange for remembering numbers, names, appointments and such, I would do it loong time ago!
I hate it when people look up to me, and maybe even envy some of my skills. They just see the good side, and not the black hole I usually have to live in.

Sorry for this selective response, but...:

I didn't understand this. Explain please.

Chameleon is an interesting subject. Do you think it's possible to copy other peoples motor skills?

Chamelon or parrot? I speak many dialects fluently, and I learn to speak languages faster then normal.
Unfortunately it's hard for me to speak my own language or dialect if I talk with someone who has another language or dialect.

Maybe it's the same when it comes to social skills?

Yeeah! That maybe became to "dark" actually.
I don't feel depressed, I just now that I am generally low.
I am pretty capable of shutting off feelings that holds me back. So when it becomes to much, I consciously change my mental subject into something else. It usually takes less than 20 minutes.

How family "illness" and stuff like that follows the genes, I don't know. But if it helps..:

» My father is some kind of Narcissistic-psychopath, most of the family has turned their backs on him.
His diagnosis?! I don't now. ..but he sure ain't no NT! Hes extremely socially-intelligent, he reads people's mind in a split second. Unfortunately, he has no real concept of moral and truth, and unfortunately he uses people to get his own ego satisfied.
»» My fathers mom, is known to be a Hypochondriac. (I believe that some hypochondriacs, like her, is actually born with some kind of sensory problems). Accept from Anxiety, asthma, allergies and lung infections now and then, shes usually just fine.
» Mom is pretty normal, but is extremely sensitive to sound and sensing people. She's in her "own world" most of the time. She's constantly on "autopilot". It's like she's only 80-90% "online". It's like she lives in an invisible bubble/filter, that keeps her protected from the real world. If we engage her with deeper emotions, she always makes us feel guilty some how.
»» Moms mom, had Epilepsy with extreme seizures that could last for several hours. (My mom was actually born under a epileptic seizure). She also had extreme sensitivity to sound.

The rest of the family is pretty normal, except from the fact that some of my siblings also have some diversions that nobody seams to care about.