Aspies For Freedom

I work in a very busy customer care environment. I think I speak to well over 100 people most work days ( including customers and work collegues ). Generally I am liked by people. I don't really know why because I am quite self-obsessed and very 'black and white' in my behaviour and opinions. In many ways I have very good general people skills ( learnt from courses at work ). It doesn't go beyond that. In my private life I enjoy my own company. I always consider my 'social' self to be an act or performance and my private life is the real me ( spending time alone, avoiding contact with people, etc. ). Of course the former is necessary in order for me to earn a living, but although it can be painful, when I feel relaxed, I enjoy people's company. People who have only brief communication with me see me as average/ normal ( probably think I have house/ wife/ kids ) people who know me well see me as a bit different, but not much different. Inside my head I know the fear and vulnerabilty I feel with 95% of my contact with people. I sometimes find it hard to understand this. What do you think?

Wow, you sound like me!  I too have good enough social skills to be liked at work (though I am lousy at customer service and training/supervising, which fortunately are not the only aspects of my job! ).  I do have friends (mostly at work, a few outside work) who definitely find me strange, but likably so.  In my case the social skills are the result of a combination of things: the natural female empathy advantage (on the Empathy Quotient test I scored higher than the average male but lower than the average female, which didn't surprise me), my longtime interest in psychology (complete with many years of therapy! ), my almost 19 years at the same job knowing the same co-workers for years on end, and overall life experience (I'm 41).  I live alone too, I spend most of my spare time happily alone, and I can enjoy being social at times.  I am not sure what you mean by being liked "too much."  I would say, just accept the appreciation of others and remember that a lot of your co-workers might be "performing" too.  Obviously you are doing something right; I couldn't handle a job like yours.

Sounds familiar to me.

People like 'black and white' opinions sometimes. Some see strength in it. Same goes with self-obsessiveness.

This 'social' self does not come from thin air; remember, that this is still you. I made the experience of sort of growing into it, or filling it with my 'real' personality (or is it the other way round?). One should just not cross a certain line towards oddity (commonly spoken).

Like maybe many others, I, too, enjoy to be on my own, although I would also enjoy company. However, I have some own ideas of keeping company that are not really applicable with the typical human being.

I am also aware of my vulnerability when conversing with my colleagues (not with those who know me better). But this awareness lasts ever shorter, being replaced by the thoughts that it is on the one hand Ok to be like I am (and I am being liked for that) and on the other hand, heck, I am proud to be what I am.

Well, I work as a software engineer and so my setting is well known and I mostly have plenty enough time to retire.

If I HAD to be with other people the whole day long, I'd definitely wish for a lone evening / weekend, maybe with some friend who minds his or her own business while being 'together'. Hum, I spend my evenings and weekends alone anyways

Blimey, I don't envy you there... I just could not cope with that...  I don't mind the people as such but 100... phew...

That's a very good way of putting it, especially the "probably think I have house/wife/kids" thing. I'm unsure how this applies to me though - sometimes people meeting me superficially seem to "suss me" more easily than ones who get to know me better, other times it is the other way around. It depends on whether someone meets me briefly in a moment and situation where my speech etc. are functioning well or not, I guess.

I have also been in customer service environment (a few of them actually, the first such job lasted 4 four years but it was part time) and to be honest the above sounds a lot like me.  There are times when I enjoy socializing, both at work (although I don't like group socialization) and out of work.  I have also had the "issue" of being liked a lot by some people at work (although I believe some have found me to be a bit different because of my high sensitivity), and yet at the same time not showing "reciprocal interest" in socializing outside of work.

I believe a major part of the problem is the fact that I have to "build everything up" like a performance, to approximate the social environment, because genuinely I don't connect to that world.  So if I have to socialize outside a familiar environment (i.e. some classmates from high school suggesting I hang out after school,) I don't really know how to act anymore; the templates have to change and I don't know which ones to use.

I always end up feeling left out in group interactions anyway, and that's painful.  I prefer being by myself because I feel horrible in group atmospheres (any surprise I never went to parties, dances, etc.)  Those situations are overstimulating and I don't know how to act.  I feel completely left out and inferior at those times, so it's better that I avoid them.

Suss you as autistic or Aspergian, or suss you as being "slightly different" ??

Answer!!

That's an itneresting point, do you think that if you worked in such an environment again, would the social interaction just from dealing with customers (not socializing at work) be satisfying enough for you? That would be a good way of getting some completely no-strings social interactions.

Suss me as having difficulties, as "not being normal". (e.g. not mistaking me for someone whom you would think has a normal household and life at home)

Your average person on the street doesn't know enough about autism and AS to "diagnose" people on the spot. Not even specialists usually have that knowledge, they need to know a heck of a lot about you to make such a diagnosis.

Hey Michael 1

Tell you what I have never been "diagnosed" with aspergers or anything like that so I suppose I would be a NT? I think thats the expression that I have learned here... BUT

I am ok with working and interacting - but like you sometimes feel that there is one me for social situations and one me for home situations... I LOVE my own company- I am NOT particularly great with people I only barely know coming into my home - its MY space! When I go to family parties with huge groups of people I feel desperately uncomfortable and cannot STAND the idle chit chat about absolute tripe that usually ensues - I LOVE having deep conversations with people yes-  I dont mind talking in lectures at Uni because it has got my brain involved and so I enjoy to express myself but basically in some social situations I just tend to switch off ... or I will have a few glasses of wine and become the life and soul in a humourous way ... which seems to help somewhat.. I also dont like being trapped in a car with people I dont know who want to have conversations ... Im sounding a bundle of joy huh!!!
When I go out "clubbing" or something where it is loud I tend to be able to close off into my own world- I cant hear the people trying to talk to me and Im not that interested in listening to them either- especially when they are strangers! In fact someone trying to talk to me when I am dancing or where it is too loud to hear them really makes me cross when I am out- its just too much to cope with!!!
Anyway the point of my reply to you was this sometimes we all as human beings have different ways of behaving to others in different situations and perhaps your noticing that you have two yous the social you and the private you is something that most people experience regardless of any "diagnosis" ?  
I have also been told

sorry about my "I have also been told" it was a mistake and there was nothing to come after it!!!! Hmm why cant we edit these posts on here?

I think it was removed after some problems, not 100% sure though.

Noetic
No its still sat there at the end of my post, but thank you so much for trying!!!
Rosie

Thanks, I do understand what you are saying. But it is different with me. I never feel connected to people. I can talk about myself for ages but have no interest in what others have to say, unless I can benefit from it. I don't care about other peoples emotions at all. In my job I treat people like parcels! to be moved from A to B. Oddly that makes me appealling to my collegues, that and my dry scense of humour. But I agree most peoples private/ public personalities are image 'constructions'.

Yes, very similar here as well.  

I've trained myself to put on a smile whenever I see another adult, as, although I'm face-blind, it may be one of the parents.  Generally all the kids in my class like me, as I've always got on well with children, and when the parents see their children interacting happily with me, they are disposed to think well of me.  So that makes it easier.  

Also, I don't have to spend a great deal of time with the parents, as I usually only have to deal with them for a few minutes at drop-off and pick-up times.  

Howevr, one thing I fear is completing my diploma studies and becoming what is known as a "room leader".  Because then I would have to deal with the parents for longer periods, talking, etc.  If I can keep it strictly to business I'll be fine, but there are always those parents who want to socialise and I have trouble finding things to say to them.  

One woman in particular comes in and spends up to an hour just talking to my team before leaving with her daughter.  It's gotten to the stage we almost need to be rude to her to get her to leave, as she's still yacking away as we lock up in the evening.  She seems oblivious that we all have homes to go to and would like to get there to see our families at the end of the day.

I've heard my room leader (neurotypical) say of her "That woman could talk under wet cement."  Which I thought was very apt!  

Alison

The Edit button?