Aspies For Freedom

My daughter has great trouble with reading emotions in the moment as well.  One of the things that helps is that she enjoys films and books--obsessing on them, of course.  :grin:

If you very carefully pick the books and movies that she watches so that she can see people interacting in good ways--being concerned about one another's feelings--then this might help.  We tend not to let our daughter watch shoot-em-ups because the characters do not bother reading one another's feelings.  She comes to think this is fine if we don't intervene.

But, yes, rote learning is familiar to me.  Repetition can also help--though in this case, I think one needs to be careful of what is getting repeated.  The suggestion above about always making your own feelings clear, and making sure that those feelings are what you want mirrored, is a good one.

akb

Yes time works wonders.  My daugter understands better at 14 emotions thans she did at 5.  What worked for us was a game I would play with her. I would tell her "I LOVE YOU" in a sad, happy,  etc tone. She understood the I love you part but she didn't get the tone...so she started being more aware of tone. And yes constant reminders of "do you remember how you felt when...well that's what so and so feels like."  And sometimes it's just a matter of literal learning....I had my jaw removed and reconstucted with harvest from my fibula in April.  Last week my daughter had a baby tooth pulled....she got that famous shot which numbs your lips and face.  She started looking at me a lot after that...I asked her what's up...she said, I'm starting to understand what you must be going through....until then she would SAY aww mom w/ comprehension, now she says it with more compasion.

For years, I thought I didn't even have emotions. It was difficult to sense things properly. I didn't really "get it" until mid to late high school. Here's what finally taught me how to recognize emotions in other people:

1) Watching lots of movies and reading lots of books. This gave me a frame of reference, and lots of "experiential", albeit secondhand, knowledge about how people react in different situations.

2) Learning the scientific method. Forming hypotheses, determining results, then testing my thoughts. This involved educated guesses about how someone might be feeling based on what they're saying, how they're acting, and how they look. After I guess, I test it, by asking them or doing something that might have them respond. This likely requires someone who's older.

3) Roleplaying and acting different experiences. This is similar to the question, "How would you feel in that situation?" I did lots of roleplaying as a hobby, in games and online through text. I created emotions in myself to match what my character would feel under the circumstances, acting out the essence of another person. As a kid, I also did lots of acting in the form of playing out historical events, kid's books or faerie tails.

4) Studying people with expressive features. I went a little overboard on this, staring quite a bit, but I learned how facial expression is so important. I watched eyebrows, eyes, mouth and lips to figure out how they were feeling under different circumstances. It was always so hard to read people who weren't as expressive.

None of these will be quick or concrete. It takes a lot of time, a lot of effort, and a lot of understanding. It may be years, or even a decade, before she achieves her potential. But there is potential there, and starting at such a young age will help.

5 is on the young side for ANY child to be fully tuned into others emotions and needs.  There have been many excellent suggestions above, however, which I think would work well with any child.

I have one Aspie child and one NT child.  They weren't that different at age 5.  My daughter (NT) is having about as much trouble with empathy that my older child (Aspie) did at at this age, 5.  So, do remember there is a general developmental component to it as well, so that you don't have unrealistic expectations.

It is great that you are laying the groundwork, though, and working on the issue.  Assuming your daughter wants to interact socially and have friends, she will need to learn to pay attention to how her friends might be feeling.

Three words to consider when educating an autistic or Aspie child about anything: inform, inform, inform. While I cannot speak for auties as such, it is very rare when I ask a question and am not genuinely interested in the answer, just as it is rare when I ask a question I already know the answer to.

I like that, inform, inform, inform.  That is my son.  It was only recently that I learned most children won't sit for lengthy intellectual explanations.  He, on the other hand, has always wanted them.  If I can phrase information in a way that grabs him, he integrates it really well.  Complex thoughts like death - he seemed to grasp that at age 3, when his grandfather died.  He asked a lot of questions.  Even a year later, he had a new question that seemed out of the blue to us.  He has such an amazing mind.  He seems to hunger for a logical explanation to, well, everything.

Perhaps that is why it totally threw everyone for a loop when he started school and couldn't do the work.  It seemed so out of sync.  Even mentioning that time briefly in writing makes me want to cry.  He was so frustrated.  He started to shut down.

Will anyone throw tomatoes at me if I admit it has been a relief to have a label?  It's given us a protocol.  It felt like someone finally handed us the keys to figuring out how to understand our child.  Not a perfect set of keys, but far better than what the standard parenting books will give you.

Here's my opinion--Rather than having or being committed to a label per se, what if you consider that you have a hypothesis.  That is, you're asking:  Would my son's behavior be more comprehensible if I assume that he has Asperger's Syndrome? What would be the implications for him and for me?  What things would I do differently if this hypothesis were true?  Of course, now that you HAVE this hypothesis, it sets up expectations..you'll be interpreting your son's behavior in light of the Asperger's prototype.  So, it's worth noting, like any good scientist with a hypothesis would do, which of your son's behaviors do NOT fit the model. That way, his uniqueness will remain paramount.

btw..check out the crypto-sensitivity thread for an interesting list of characteristics.
http://www.aspiesforfreedom.com/phpBB2/v...php?t=2466

Well, there is an upside and a downside to everything.

When I was diagnosed earlier this year, I was happy to finally have a theory that fit the facts, rather than having a doctor trying to shove a theory down my throat in spite of its failure to do so. Oftentimes, doctors would just throw diagnostic labels at me like a dartboard. They were not even looking at facts, just guessing. All the while I was slipping further into this hole where I just wanted to hide and not be bothered anymore. In fact, I had to physically assault a nurse in order to get them to stop. And risk jail time in the process, I might add.

There is a quote on a website that I think you should bear in mind. It basically states that the earlier the diagnosis, the better the outcome. Not that society will ever admit to having beaten an autistic child into an adult that is basically a monster who wishes he had been aborted, but it means your son will not suffer the same fate.

As we went through the process and realized how "new" the current understanding and way of doing things was, how very shortly ago the assumptions and rules were so very different ... I could only be grateful that my son doesn't have to grow up in the world of just a few years ago.

Whatever condition properly names my son, which we do believe is Aspergers, seems also likely to affect my father.  Lightly, as with my son, but it's there.

My father was proud and sad when he discovered his grandchild was a son.  He has worried ever since.  Slowly emerging all very sad details and frustrations from his childhood.  Issues he assumed any son of mine would have.  He is a private man and we'll never know everything he has dealt with, but I have known all my life of an immense pain that dwells inside him.

I talk with friends who have children with severe Autism, and know how loving their children can be.  This is so difficult to reconcile with the vision of the condition in movies such as Rainman.  Imagine if someone had taken my son away - it would have shut him down.  I know how emotionally needy he has always been.  He would have died inside the day he knew he could never come home.  Could it be that the world created the shut off individuals we saw in movies like Rainman?  If treated differently, how would they be now?

I do see hope for the kids growing up today.  I don't know if anyone is getting it right yet, but at least its different.

And I know my child.  No one will talk me into things that will drive him deeper into anger or away from the world.  Well, I hope not.  I sincerely hope not.

I have to admit, it has been really intense delving into this site and trying to understand the way everyone thinks.  Some responses make laugh, because I can so totally see my son saying something like that, and it wouldn't be my approach at all.  Others make me cry.

I know I have a lot of work to do if I want to be the best parent possible for my child.  The person who did our evaluation told us as much upfront:  that the biggest factor he had noticed in how well the kids he has worked with on the spectrum do in school is directly proportional to how much interest the parents take in understanding what makes their child tick.  Read, talk and learn ... and you will guide your child well.  Don't, and the way society is will drive your child deeper into his own world. (Not that there is anything wrong with living in your own world, but it should be a positive choice, not one made out of frustration.)

So, I have ventured here as part of my journey.  For a few days now I feel I've been glued.  Trying to learn, understand and contribute.  Failing but learning important lessons from that.  I think perhaps it is time to give myself a break.  If I can.  I do get obsessive about things.

My son wants my attention.  Time to leave this world and return to the one that matters most.

Indeed. When I was a child, the bar was set pretty high regarding the things you could do to a child before being labelled an abuser. Too high, in fact. Early colonials in America have written that they never saw a native raise their hand to their children, yet the children showed remarkable discipline and moderation of speech. Food for thought.

And you have the comforting thought that the diagnosticians got to your son in time. :grin:

I can understand your father's feelings. I feel that short of being able to edit DNA in order to eradicate diabetes, there is nothing modern society could do to convince me to inflict it upon a son of mine. If it were possible, I would microwave my groin in order to sterilise myself.

Rain Man was filmed at a time of great ignorance, not only in terms of autism, but of our neurological selves in general. The big antidepressant revolution that has changed our world for the better (despite what Scientologists would like to tell you) had yet to happen. That said, it must be borne in mind that the reason Hoffman's character was put in an institution was because the parents were afraid he might hurt Cruise's, which given what the film's idea of "high-functioning" translated to, is justified. So in answer to your question, no, that is not what made Hoffman's character that way. Some autistic individuals will just be like that. Have you seen a film called Stir Of Echoes? There is an analogy delivered by one character in that where he compares Kevin Bacon's character to a flashlight that flickers on and off, before telling the mother that her son has a "much better flashlight". The film is about psychic abilities (and has it all over that garbage called The Sixth Sense), but it is a good way to describe the difference between Aspies and low-functioning auties.

And no, nobody is getting it right yet. Not by a long shot. But it all starts with the family.

And while I get very frustrated at times because I feel the current generation are too passive, I want to assure you that the difference between the healthy, loving Aspie type (think Albert Einstein for instance) and the angry, distraught, hurtful-to-everyone-save-those-who-generally-love-them kind like myself rests entirely with you. Your son's future rests entirely in your hands at this stage.

I should also point out that the amount of interest your son shows in the outside world, especially school, depends a lot on how far you go to ensure his rights are respected. My parents basically rolled over while my school drew up a whole subsection of rules to make me a political dissident and "***", to use an equivalent slur, in my childhood, of all the times. The results should be easy to guess.

I am glad you have found something helpful here. Myself, I only come to resources such as these out of sheer frustration. It is no way to live. If I could give myself a break once in a while, I would be happy. Although my writings sort of fill in for that I suppose.

I wish you and your son the best in your journey.

Maybe you're being too hard on yourself. And for sure, you wouldn't be the first person here to be obsessive!  You sound like a great Mom!

Hi everyone (anyone?),
  I am the mom of an almost 8-year-old boy who was recently diagnosed with Asperger's and ADD.  I was just hoping to get in touch with some other parents who are struggling with this.  I love my son with all my heart.  He is an incredibly sweet and amazing person, and I truly would never change anything about him, but I am having a hard time dealing with his behavioral issues.

I know that most of the things he does are not his fault, but it is very emotionally draining on me (and on him).

One of his issues is that he has recently become very afraid of the dark and will often refuse to enter rooms in broad daylight unless an overhead light is turned on.  We are also struggling with meals as we have to constantly nag him to eat.  He is a skinny little thing!  

Anyway, any advice would be very much appreciated.    :lol:

Thanks for the reply.  Well, I know that Christian is very sensitive to certain tastes and textures and we have been understanding of this, I try to always offer him at least one thing that I know he really likes so that he doesn't have to struggle through the rest of it, and we never force him to eat things that he doesn't want to.

I guess the problem is mainly that he can't really focus on eating his meal for any length of time.  If we left him to his own devices, it would probably taking him 1 1/2 hours or so to eat a whole meal.  One thing we have tried is asking him very specifically, to take a certain number of bites of something (if it is something that I know does not bother him).  But some nights he will argue back and forth about how the bites should be and  how many he should have, and we will debate this for a long time.  A lot of times he is hungry right before bed, because he didn't eat enough at dinner-yes, I do give him something to eat because I know that this is not his fault.

Any advice or different perception you may have on this subject would be very much appreciated.  It is great to hear from other people who have this as I want to understand what he is going through as thoroughly as I can.   Thanks again!

Hi Bonnie,
  Thanks for the post.  Actually though, Christian sometimes demands that we tell him how many bites.  I think it may be because he doesn't really understand the concept of eating enough to fill up his stomach.???  Sometimes it seems to help when we are very specific in our requests with regard to food (depends on the day, his mood, etc).

Thanks for your ideas on the multiple snacks, though.  He did make his own PB&J sandwich a while back, and was very proud of this (he has a lot of motor skill difficulties, so it is hard for him to spread the PB&J on the bread).  I am going to expand on this and give him more opportunities to fix his own snacks.  I'll give it a shot...

I had to smile when I read about the charred hamburger, because my son did the same thing with a plate of pretzels covered in cheese, his "own recipe."  He set the timer for 3 minutes instead of 30 seconds (:
We let him give it another shot and he was victorious on the second attempt.

I really appreciate this forum and all the people who put messages on about their experiences- it is so nice to know that we are not alone.

Thanks!   :smile:

Yes, his motor skills definitely cause a problem in this area.  We do give him a lot of finger food, and we don't harass him about using his fork and knife when he eats.  Some days he uses them, other days he does better just using his fingers.  I have been letting him practice using a butter knife to spread and cut things, and that gives him a good sense of achievement.