Would this be upsetting news? I don't want to upset my friend, but the more I think about it, the more I realize he has all of the traits: photographic memory, overly formal language, very smart, sophisticated sense of humor, strictly adheres to rules, etc... He also struggles with relating to others and communicating in ways that others can understand. Also, he can come off as smarmy or insincere - as though he is trying really hard to appear sincere. And finally he can be too honest, which I personally appreciate, but is offensive to others.
Anyway, I've learned to really love this person and his quirks. I get the biggest kick out of him. But I'm convinced he has AS.
He's obviously extremely high functioning - is there any point in telling him? He is very honest with me and my shortcomings and has asked that I be honest with him, to help him improve. But could this "news" be too personal? He's very private about personal issues.
I wasn't unhappy when a work friend suggested I "look into" AS, but there's no way of predicting how your friend might respond. How were you proposing to go about "telling" him?
I'm not certain how I'd tell this person. We happen to talk about autism quite a bit because my son was just diagnosed, and he's taken it upon himself to learn about it.
I was thinking of asking him whether he was familiar with AS or not, and to mention that he has some of the characteristics and he should look into it...
My hope is that he will realize why some people are put off by him -- he thinks it's because they can't take criticism or that they aren't nice people. He really tries hard for people to like him - and most people eventually do, but some people are totally put off by him.
On the flipside, I'm afraid this would mess with his head, and make him question himself. He is very aware of how smart he is, and is very proud of it. Would telling him he has AS somehow diminish who he is as a person and his accomplishments?
Well, if he's learning about autism because of your son, then there's a good chance that he'll stumble across asperger descriptions and possibly draw some inferences.
When I was a freshman or sophomore...I forget which...one of the "very cool" upperclassmen said: There's a book you should read--Dale Carnegie, How to win friends and influence people." So I dutifully got hold of it and read it, and learned a lot. Aspies can "get" intellectually, and even apply, rules of communication that NTs learn intuitively. This won't work unless the person sees communication screw-ups as a problem.
different people react in different ways when told they have AS, when I found out I didn't want to believe it at first, this was only because I over heard a conversation and found out about my dx, this was when I started at an aspie college in Sunderland, UK in 1998 (which I was kicked out of in 2000 for "bad behaviour" but that is another story), over time I realised it was part of me and made me who I am, maybe your friend will realise AS makes him who he is, maybe he'll see it as a positive, I hope he does
Hope it works out well if you tell him
The first time I tried to speak with a friend about his potential case of "it". His reaction was: "Huh? What are you talking about?”-- “I know myself.”-- “bug-off”.
Jeez, what happen to your 140+ IQ? I said...
That was two-years ago. Recently, he and his spouse we're having difficulties, so I spoke with his spouse this time, offered a couple of books, and insisted very persistently that she take a look at them and perhaps share them with her husband.
He now calls me on the phone frequently, ecstatic about discovering his "it" in himself.
Moral: It’s important to get the message to someone if “it” appears to be bothering them. Frontal assault didn’t work for me.
Perhaps accidentally leaving a book or two around for your friend to, well, Figuratively speaking: Trip-over... might help. Most friends I know simply need to discover this for themselves, because each variation of “it” is uniquely different. IMO
I can tell you the way a friend told me and how I reacted. We were chatting online about something. He started asking me a few questions. I was puzzled but answered them. Then he asked if I had heard of Asperger's syndrome. I had not. He gave me a web link to a site that explained it and had a list of traits. The questions he had been asking me were taken from that list.
I was offended and very angry at him. I felt he was calling me mentally defective or insane. My self esteem is wrapped up in how people always said I was smart. I researched more articles and when I read about Faceblindness I said "OMG that is what is wrong". In time, I got over being angry at him. I told my father about it. He didn't think there was anything wrong with me. When I told him about my faceblindness he said he had no idea I had a problem.
I pushed the topic aside for perhaps a year or a few years. Now I've come back and am more ready to believe it. I've done several online quizzes and fully admit the list has me pegged.
So, that is how it went for me. I think he told me the best way he could have. Good luck.
This is the kind of thing that takes major tact to begin a discussion that's pretty sure to have a successful outcome. If you want to take it up with your friend, I'd point out that this isn't some kind of pox, and include a lot of the positive traits you mentioned in your first post. There's also a webpage (I think I have it in my Favorites) about all the positives of Asperger's. Just let him know you ran across this subject when you were doing research, here are a couple of webpages, and would he like you to send him links to them. I'm inclined to agree that mentioning just a few things, then making resources available to him, is probably the best way to go. I'd also ask him if he feels he has difficulties in the social areas, just generally speaking. The things he might take wrong, I wouldn't even bring up, to begin with. Leave those to him to consider and bring up with you or not.
I discovered this in myself, but if it had been the other way around, the above is what I would have appreciated from a friend. Best of luck, & let us know what you decide & how it goes.
When I suspected someone as being AS I showed them a positive artical and said 'you seem to have similar traits to this, what do you think'. This helped start the conversation and they where quite open to it. But I believe they already knew they where unique socially and was just waiting for the right explanation.
As your friend seems to be open and knowing about his difficulties and differences he may well except your findings and feel some relief, too.
There's probably no easy way of telling someone who's never heard of AS and has been fed a bunch of negative stuff about autism in general. It probably needs to start with "I need to talk to you about something. I hope it doesn't offend you..." Make sure it's in private and be ready for it if you're friend is not too happy to hear it.
I was slightly annoyed when, on a visit to my parents' place, my mother passed that little bit of info to me that she originally heard from her best friend. However, this friend of hers is one of those people who can be serious as a heart attack one minute, and then outrageously high-spirited and funny the next minute, so it didn't surprise me in the least that she would make such a suggestion. I was 29 years old at the time.
I just needed some time to process the notion that I might have some form of autism, which I had previously thought was just the low-functioning kind.
I'm not officially diagnosed, but I am certainly glad I've heard of it and had time to decide for myself that "it just seems to fit", kind of like a guidebook to how someone like me should approach life. I just wish I had heard of it much earlier, because until then it never occurred to me that there could be many others like me.
Your friend needs to know, even if there is no easy way to tell him.