Aspies For Freedom

How do you discipline your son when he behaves like this?

My Aspie son generally has a mild temper, but his mostly-NT sister had some pretty awful tantrums when she was younger.  I dealt with it by taking away some privilege related to the tantrum for a long enough time to make her aware that tantrums have long-term unpleasant consequences.

For example, one time I took my kids to play Miniature Golf, and my daughter got mad about losing the game and started hitting her brother with her golf club.  I told her that I wasn't going to take her to play golf again until she was older and knew how to control herself.  So, for the rest of the summer, I took her brother to play golf several times, while she had to stay home with her dad.  She didn't get to play golf again until the next year (and was extremely well behaved when she did).

If tantrums always have long-lasting consequences, a child will be motivated to exercise more self-control.

not in refernce to crikey specifically. but how is it in our society it is far more acceptable to medicate kids with drugs that  can have unforseen consequences to good old fashioned corporal punishment??

Long before , modern times i am sure aspies growing up had their fair shar of corporal punishment, yet we are here , and have made contributions.

I dont agree with corporal punishment for any child, and I think it is a good thing that its left in the past. I also dont agree with what is basically punishments, but given a politically correct name, such as "aversive" "therapy" or "discipline".

There is a very basic difference between 'punishment' and 'discipline'. A punishment is you wanting to hurt the child for hurting you (it really is vengeance).  When you discipline a child, you think about what to do to get the child to 'understand' why he can't do a certain thing, and that it hurts others if he keeps doing it.

I agree with Bonnie, if the child doesn't care (or is too young to understand) about not wanting to hurt others, there have to be consequenses he/she understands, that are unpleasant.

We all have to understand that there are consequenses to all our actions, often they are good, and sometimes they are bad. What is wrong with kids being taught this truth that applies to everybody else for the rest of their lives?

Crickey, are you able to tell when your son starts getting overstimulated? When you realize he is starting to show signs of overstimulation, is it possible to put him somewhere quiet with soothing music or a book, or just a favourite movie (or a computer game if he likes those) before he explodes and does awful things?

I'm glad to say I rarely ever had corporal punishment. I react to it by hitting out and having a full scale meltdown. So would it help? NO!

I would hit him back, and if asks why tell him u dont why. he will learn

Of course this was how I was raised so ...

TheASman *hugs* I'm sorry you were treated like that as a kid.

Crystal, its not easy raising kids, if its any comfort my son used to have really bad tantrums and has calmed down somewhat with age. It doesnt last forever, it just feels that way.

For how long?  If you give toys or privileges back in a few hours, or even the next day, it doesn't have much effect.  Try taking away his favorite things for a month or two, and don't give him any hints as to how long you're planning to keep them.  Just tell him that he can have them back when you've decided his behavior has changed for the better.  If you have to take away most of his toys until the message gets through, just do it, no matter how much he complains.  (That worked very effectively for my kids.)

Sounds to me as if he knows exactly what you're telling him.   :roll:

And Amy does have a good point... kids outgrow tantrums, and he's not going to be acting like this forever.

And the result was?

You speak of remembering how you reacted, which suggestes your disciplining came too late. Catch young animals (sic) and teach them that there are limits which cannot be exceded, and behavioural requirements which must be accepted, before they adopt the notion they may do as they wish, and you do the whole world a favour!

Adopt the current craze of letting them run wild for the first two years, and then trying to "persuade" them to behave, then all you have done is teach them to to act reasonably in your presence (then do as they please, once out of your sight...as you have all seen others' kids to behave...but your kids don't do so do they!!!).

I had responsible parents; they spanked me now and again, and I always knew why...and I have always loved them without reservation.

Crickey, have you had your son tested for allergies (especially food allergies) and food intolerances? Sometimes certain foods can trigger out of control behaviour, that really, truly is uncontrollable, and the kid can't do anything about it until the reaction wears off.

My son is obviously allergic to chocolate, he goes totally hyper when eating it. When he was about 13 (and his youngest sister, Susie was 5), he'd often come home from school, slamming the door open (he claims that isn't possible, but believe me, it is), storming in and slamming the door shut again, and throwing his backpack into the house.

Susie would go up to him and say, "John, did you eat chocolate in school today?" And every time he displayed that crazy behaviour, he had to admit to his little sister (with a rather sheepish grin on his face) that he did.

Susie is intolerant to milk (no, not lactose, but every other part of the milk). If she eats anything with cheese in it, she'll be sick with a headache and a very upset stomach the next day (right, I was so mad at her today, she is, at 13, old enough to know better, but ate pizza at a friend's house last night and missed school today as a result). But if she eats icecream, she gets terribly hyper and giggly and pretty uncontrollable. If she drinks milk, she'll be all bloated and gassy the next day.

My husband's cousin will fall into deep depression when drinking milk. So, in our family, milk is a big culprit (of course, there is also milk in chocolate, John will also get hyper from milk).

Tomatoes can be bad, too. I will react very badly to tomatoes, potatoes, peppers and whatever else falls into the nightshade family.

I just wanted to give you some examples of what food allergies or intolerances can do (they are not the same thing). Some people are very allergic to wheat, eggs, MSG, food colorings, sugar (one of my daughters has terrible reactions to sugar and wheat) or whatever. Having your son tested and cutting out whatever it is he can't tolerate (if that is a problem with him) could suddenly turn him into a much easier to handle kid. If diet measures will help, that would be a lot better than drugs.

Actually, no, I don't remember very well my reactions, gwyn. This is pieced together from my mother's journals, accounts from relatives, and the *lack* of remembering.

Have you heard of the "Limited choice method"?
This is where you give the child a choice so that they can feel in control of what is happening, but the choice is designed to help the parent. Such as the toothpaste thing.
It can be useful for simple things like if they dont want to put on shoes you could say "do you want to put your shoes on, or me put them on for you"
in a relaxed way. As long as its kept simple and easy, it can be useful.

Yes, the same thing happened with my daughter.  She was usually quiet and well-behaved before she started going to school full time, but then she started having tantrums.  I think part of it is because the long school day is exhausting for a child that age.  They still need naps, but most kindergartens don't have nap time any more.  Because my son was noisy and hyper, my daughter didn't get a chance to rest and relax when she came home from school.  Her tantrums often happened late in the afternoon.

This is one basic description from a site -

2. OFFER CHOICES
In many cases, you can give your child a limited choice in deciding how to fulfill your directive. Having some freedom of choice makes a child feel a sense of power and control, which reduces resistance. Examples are: "It's bath time. Do you want to take a shower or a tub bath?"; "It's time to get dressed. Do you want to pick an outfit, or do you want me to do it?"; or "Would you rather practice the piano ten minutes in the morning and ten minutes in the evening or 20 minutes all at once?" Since it's easier and quicker to tell a child exactly what to do, parents don't offer enough choices. But we can change.

The problem is not premarital sex (this is a religious matter, not a legal or ethical one) but underage sex. It is underage sex that causes problems, as well as people entering into marriage or other committments without thinking about it clearly. I would much rather see my own enter into various promiscious relationships if he was taking precautions (i.e condoms and such) than to enter into a bad marriage. Of course, the other problem with promiscious sex is emotional attachment and disappointment - some can have 1 night stands and be fine, others get very distressed. This is a matter that individuals must decide for themselves.