Aspies For Freedom

My 5 yr old HFA son displays severe aggression.  I accept all of his autistic traits with love, except for this one.  I don't want to medicate him but it seems to be my only option at this point.  He has (at 4 yrs old) stabbed me with an ink pen, given me a black eye, bit me so hard that it left a scar, and many other incidents.  I understand that overstimulation causes much of these reactions but his aggression is well beyond an acceptable level.  I just don't know what to do....any suggestions? :?

Thank you,
Crytal

To answer your questions:

I usually discipline him by trying time outs...which don't seem to work.  My husband does spank him when he is outrageously bad and that only makes it worse.  I have taken his favorite things (i.e. Computer, Leggos, TV, or his favorite movies) but he doesn't seem to care.  I have tried putting him in counseling and talking to him at his level.  I have begged, pleaded and cried...all to no avail.  It seems like nothing works!   :cry:

I recently made a quiet closet for him (an empty closet with soft blankets and pillows, soft lighting, and music if he would like to listen) and suggest that he go into the quiet closet when he starts showing signs of overstimulation (like running around screaming "Tartar Sauce!"-from Spongebob-).  He refuses to go in and says he likes being out of control.  He does have semantic-pragmatic issues and sometimes doesn't understand what I'm saying so I tried Visual Aid charts that have pictures of his behaviors and what the consequences will be.  His reaction to this method was to tear the charts apart and throw them around his room.   :shock:  

I haven't discovered exactly what sparks this behavior...it comes from out of nowhere.  He can be watching a movie and then just get up and run over and hit me.  When I ask him why he does this he says "I don't know".  When I explain that it hurts my feelings he shows remorse but then does it again.  Any time I try to stop him from doing these type of things or tell him not to do something bad he acts out in a rage. I can't understand where it's coming from.  His counselor tried to tell me it was my fault and I stopped seeing her immediately.  I thought maybe he was seeking attention so I tried spending more quality time with him (I am a stay at home mom and am with him all day) by doing crafts or visiting museums or going to the park, but these usually end with the same kind of behavior.

I have been watching "Super Nanny" and trying her suggestions but I guess her techniques only work for NT kids.  I fear that I may lose my mind if this continues.   My husband has threatened to divorce me because he can't take the behavior anymore, and I will not allow him to use corporal punishment.  Would I be a bad person if I finally give in and medicate him?  As I said before it seems to be my only option.  :?

Thank you for your help.

Crystal :cry:

Thank you all for your kind words.  It's nice to know my son wont always behave this badly...I was already starting to count the years until he's old enough to move out  :lol: .  The suggestion about allergies was especially helpful.  I will definitely have him tested for allergies.  I just found an excellent book called "Asperger syndrome and sensory issues", it does a great job of explaining overstimulation and gives advice on how to deal with sensory issues.

I feel much more hopeful now than when I first posted, Thank You.

Crystal  

I was actually coming to post about the same topic. Lately my 5 year old AS daughter has been hitting me, my husband, her teachers, etc. I'm at my wits end with it because it seems like nothing is helping with the behavior. This morning I had a long talk with her teacher about it and when we broke it down, we realized that when she hits us, it's because we're asking her to do something she doesn't want to do, or we're not giving her options. Most of the time we tell her what she has to do and we don't give her a chance to make decissions and she gets frustrated. For example: This morning I put bubblegum toothpaste on her toothbrush and she said she wanted watermelon. I said "No, I already put the bubblegum on the brush" She fought me the whole time and then slapped me across the face. Looking back, if I would have aske her "What do you want today, bubblegum or watermelon?" she would have picked what she wanted and we could have avoided the whole problem. I'm so used to making all of the decissions because she was always home with me, but now that she goes to school full time she is becoming more independant and wants to make decissions.  So, our 'assignment' for the week is to write down everytime she hits, what caused her to hit, and what could have been done to prevent the frustration. There are going to be times when there are no options and she will get mad, so we will need to figure out ways for her to deal with her emotions without hitting, but we'll deal with that later.
Annie

I'm starting to think of other decissions that she can make throughout the day that tend to be a problem. For exaample, I have a hard time getting her dressed in the morning. She wears a uniform, but it's mix and match pieces, so I can lay out 2 shirts and 2 pants for her to chose from and then let her pick her own socks. Tonight she didn't want to eat dinner so I asked her "Do you want pancakes and eggs or french toast?" and she said pancakes and ate the whole plate.

I need to train myself to think in 'limited choices' :?
Aidia just came in here and asked me to put that smiley face in.
She didn't hit as much today, but when she did it was because of something that frustrated her. Hopefully we will be able to help her find a more positive way to deal with the world around her.

I don't think Aidia has taken a nap since she was about 2 1/2. At school, during nap time, she does puzzles, reads books, plays on the computer or works in her workbooks. I need to keep her busy at home and try to find things that her and her sister can do together that wont make her angry. Now there's an interesting challange!
Annie

She definately responds well when she is given choices, and also when she is given incentives. Since she behaved so well last night, she got to ride to school in the green car this morning.
There are other factors that contribute to her behavior such as lack of exercise and not eatting enough. Her teacher and I discussed this problem this morning and now I'm going to have to start waking her up earlier in the morning to make sure that she eats some breakfast before she goes to school, and then figure out ways for her to be more physically active throughout the day.
She told me she wasn't going to hit her teachers today, so hopefully she won't, and she'll have a more pleasant day.
Annie

I think kids who hit should be gently but firmly restrained from doing it even if they do throw a wobbly. Otherwise, you could end up with a child who's still doing it when they are big and strong and could cause real damage.

They need to be shown some alternative ways to show frustration and anger.

I've shown my son several "legal" ways to show his anger - from stamping with a foot, telling by voice "I am furious" without having to tell why (he is very good with words, at age 6 he was on a verbal level of a 10 yr old), having a "anger-pillow" or -ball, leaving the room and so on - nothing ever worked  

He is still getting angry, then aggressing bodyly someone and then regretting it (or not when he is not in the mood for ruefulness). It's affects, the psychologist sais and he will outgrow it when he is old enough to control his feelings with his intellect (which will still take some years, I had the same problems as a child and I can still have a bad temper).

Sometimes it is because he is overstimulated, like today. We were on a festival and he was playing in a straw bale castle. There were a lot of kids in it, throwing straw around and I saw he was getting tensious. So I went in and tried to get him out, which caused a tantrum. Then I held him to get relaxed again and after a couple of minutes he was ok and I allowed him to go back. Bad luck, there was a naughty kid whose mother did not care and who was hitting with his coat at other kids and he struck my son (his younger brother tried to revenge him, which I don't really appreciate, but I like the idea one "helping" the other). Then everything was over and he was lying on the ground, crying inconsolable. Later we met the other boy at the ice cream stand and my son said: Look, mum, that's the bad boy who was hitting me and now he gets an award for doing it.    Life can be so unfair! I did not know what to say. (remember: my son is not always innocent and I know that very well)

So I think like every other (NT) child, the problems shift with the age the kids are in. Now I still have the problems helping him to get his aggressions into tolerable limits. Then will it be helping him to be more aware of his feelings (I'm doing that now, too, for he can understand most of the concepts of feelings, but can't cope with them - his own and others) and how they can be expressed. Helping him becoming aware when he is overstimulated and what to do then. Explaining the concepts of peoples relations in an age-adopted way and so on...

I tend to think that other peoples kids are easier to handle, but having a kid thats highly verbal gifted is helpful for me, being AS myself and don't know all the right body signals to show. I hope, my younger (NT) son can pick up those skills from his schoolmates and their parents  :?

Sibylle

I can sympathize with the parents here.  My son has long had aggression issues.  But, now that he is 8, I have had more time to see the pattern of when they are worse, and when they are better.

When he does well:

His life is structured.
People act as expected.
Consequences are consistent and expected.
Rules are clear and easy to follow, with little room for creative manipulation.
He is not having troubles with friends.
We have not had too much change in our lives.
He has not been exposed to too many stimulating activities.
He is not experiencing an excess of frustration.

Because I work part time, and had a second child when my son was 3, we hired a nanny.  She was an amazingly positive influence on him.  She was calm, she was firm, she was loving … and she refused to accept any aggressive behavior or challenges from him.  Break the rules, there was a time out.  Her preferred method was quiet in a chair.  My son thrived in her care.  He calmed down so much, and his behavior improved at every level.

Last year at school he had a very strict teacher.  I was worried about it at first, and he shed many tears at the start of the year as he tried to learn the rules.  But, ultimately, he thrived.  He had his best school year yet.  She was matter-of-fact and consistent.  She never yelled or got angry; she just made him pull his card.

Despite my tendency to want to a less rigid world for my kids, I know from these experiences that a rigid world is just what my Asperger's child needs.  Not all of the time - there is room for spontaneity and exceptions - but, most of the time.

I have to confess that I am not always capable of providing the structure and consistency that my son needs.  I get flustered, I have difficulty staying calm and following his endless round-a-bout stories … as both my husband and I concluded when we had our son evaluated, we both exhibit quite a few Asperger's traits ourselves, and that means it is difficult at times for me to move into the space my son needs me to be in.  Like everything else, the deficiency can be compensated for and worked around, but I have found it important to the quality of our lives for me to admit that the deficiency is there.  If I don't, I won't compensate.  Point being, while we are all the best parents we can be, it is worth taking a look at whether our parenting style is occasionally in conflict with what our children need.  In my case, I know it is.  So, I work on it.

Figuring out where renewed aggression comes from can be very difficult.  When you look at that list I wrote above, you realize there are many moving parts, and the trigger could any of a dozen small things that happened during his day.  You have to work on it from both angles - strict behavior modification, and searching out and trying to eliminate the triggers.  It is not a process that will ever be solved, as the world your child lives in, and your child's needs, are both constantly changing.  It is all interrelated.  There are not any simple answers.

As for medication, I have not gone that route for my child.  I did, however, credit myself with experiencing depression when he was younger, and started on some anti-depressants for myself.  Making that choice allowed me to become a more even and metered parent - something my son clearly needed.  For myself alone, I would rather have just waited it out.  But for my son - I couldn't.  A calmer mom created a calmer child.  The correlation was unmistakable, but that is not too hard to understand when you go back to my list of what my son needs in his world to do well.

Finally, remember that what your child is attracted to is not always what your child needs.  My son was a sensory seeker when he was younger.  But it tended to result in a delayed reaction of behavior problems.  Now that he has recognized the connection for himself, he does a lot of self-metering.  But that took a while, and I still have to sometimes call off an activity or a play date when I realize he is starting towards overload.  Better safe than sorry.  Just one more moving part to consider.

Good luck figuring it all out.  It can be overwhelming trying to keep all the moving parts in perspective.  But, it is worth it.

These issues, such as lack of structure and predictable consequences, and having a good or bad time with friends, are also an influence on the behaviour of adult autistic people.

When things are going well, I'm productive at work, keep up with the chores at home (at least the most important ones) and never think of harming myself.

But it doesn't take too many negative events to accumulate before this all breaks down.

I do sometimes. Some parents don't need to smack and that is fine but my mum was one of those people who had resolved never to smack and this resolution lasted a couple of years.

I don't think a few smacks ever harmed me (except if I got any that I didn't deserve - which happened a few times at school). I knew if I got a smack I had really crossed the line into unacceptable behaviour and hardly ever repeated it.

If parents are able to use other strategies than smacking that is good but I think it is wrong to put guilt trips upon parents who do or have done so occasionally.

What I don't believe in is beating children or using things like straps, canes and belts. Some fundamentalist religious sects encourage parents to beat their children for the slightest infraction and I don't agree with that.

AMEN!

Yes, well. These childcare experts who say never smack a child either haven't had children themselves or have a wife who takes care of all the discipline issues, have kids who've grown up and have probably forgotten a lot of what they were like when they were little, or were very lucky to have placid and well behaved children who were rarely any trouble.

That said, smacking rarely does much good with autistic children. I'm not 100% sure about the limited choice method as there would be some kids who would say for example: "I don't want to have a shower or a tub" or "I don't want any dinner". The best thing is only have rules that you are prepared to apply consistently, and better to just have a few rather than lots.

Corporal punishment isn't about smacking. The word "Smacking" is not a specific description. Yes I personally witnessed parent smacking in the forehead but corporal punishment isn't just smacking. A real corporal punishment is taking a spatula and giving them a swat. You may say that it smacking but that not a specific way to describe it. The proper way to describe corporal punishment is spanking.

Regarding to above fellow who has a meltdown dues to spanking. How does a NT felt about spanking? Yes... meltdown. Just because you are an aspies doesn't mean you are purely an autistic. We do things half of what NT but do the rest autistically. The reason why most kids became a rebel is the reason parent give them timeout or something that. The problem with some punishment is that we don't give them enough consequences. For example: Stealing is wrong. You can get a felony for stealing. If you caught a kids for stealing, you give them a lesson of why stealing is wrong. This is more like a court that doesn't throw you jail because they have to give you a (corpus) mispelled that word but it in latin. A freedom to testify or receive statement of why you are being punishment. Spanking is what come after talking to your child. They receive punishment for their action. After the spanking, you regret it by fearing the punishment. The idea is to fear the punishment not the execution of the punishment. It grow seed in the mind that punishment in real life is painful. Yes serving jail time and paying fine is painful. More painful than getting a spanking. Worse you get a permement record in dismeanor on your criminal record.

If you think that spanking is barbaric then watch the majority of kids that has pre-mat sex when it was not approved by the parent. That a good sign that time out doesn't "alway" work. I know I put alway because it easy to find a odd of "good" kids when there are some bad kids too. In the way, bad kids get more spanking than good kids that may cause a few wrong. The list can go on about why timeout is not a good punishment.

Who posted about choice? I'm not sure where that was.