Aspies For Freedom

I'm going to 9th Grade next year & my life is terrible right now! People think I'm mentally retarded & I hardley have any friends. I can't have a normal conversation with people. I even like this one girl, Heather but I'm afraid to tell her how I feel because she won't like me cause I have Aspergers.
I have people helping me but I can't have a normal life. I tried even commiting suicide once but my parents stopped me.
Can someone give me any help?

Hello, genghis45, welcome to AFF!   Can you get your doctor to refer you to a counselor who understands Asperger's?  That could help a lot...I remember school was hard for me too, but I am happy to be alive today and I have gotten better at socializing with time and experience.  I also find this site to be very helpful and I hope you do too.

Well, you don't sound like you're retarded to me. You're communicating pretty well in writing. Chances are, you're just rubbing people the wrong way, or something.

Here's the thing: In 9th grade and thereabouts, kids are vicious. It's all about pushing others down, making yourself look good. They pick targets based on stupid things... acne, being short, having poor parents, talking "weird", being in special ed (or even gifted-talented), being a Star Trek fan... It's ridiculous. All those things are such small flaws (or not even flaws at all). In my opinion, being vicious and clawing your way up the social ladder is a much bigger flaw, but nobody seems to see that. I'd much rather have acne than be a total jerk.

I think you are going through what is quite possibly the hardest time in your life. You're facing major challenges, and you probably don't have a lot of resources, both to deal with the situation and to deal with your own emotions.

One resource you do seem to have--your parents--has already proven itself invaluable. If they stopped you from killing yourself, then that means they care. Chances are they love you more than anything else in the world. Mushy? Yeah. But true.

If you tried to commit suicide, that tells me you are probably depressed or overwhelmed, probably both. I hate to say it in a cliched way, but yeah, you need help. Go to your family doctor, tell him you're depressed, and have him refer you to a counselor. It's a common comorbid of Asperger's, and I've had it myself. It sucks, and it keeps you from enjoying life, and it can--as you know--end in death. It's a very real problem, and not a character weakness.

Thing is about "needing help", though, is that you are still the main person who has control of your life. Whatever you get--counseling or even meds--is a tool you use, not something you just sit there and expect to make everything better, because that's not how it works. But ask yourself: If I could enjoy life, wouldn't I work to make that happen?

It's happened for me. My psych told me last visit that my depression is officially "in partial remission"--meaning no symptoms for a couple of months. So depression can be conquered. Not without a lot of struggle, but it can be.

Oh, and one more thing. Ninth grade is rough, and your classmates, for the most part, are still immature jerks. The less you believe or care what they say, the better. If you can somehow make a decision that says, "I don't care what they say--I'm going to be myself, and I'm OK the way I am", then you should be able to shrug it off a lot more easily. Not that it's going to be a cakewalk, but then... high school doesn't last forever, even if it seems that way (especially during algebra class).

I'm so sorry you have it rough!  Yes, ninth grade sucks!  I still shudder over 9th grade memories and ahem, that was over 20 years ago...

But that means it gets better!!! It doesn't get easy but it gets better.  You will find your level.  Oh yes, hard to hear when you can't see it. Besides, not totally "your fault" the mess your temporal vehicle (aka your body) goes through with the hormones and growing and all is like being on a bad acid trip.  

Everyone goes a bit mad during young years.

You probably won't have a normal life but are you really really truly truly sure you want to?  Yes, would be much easier to fit in but any small resentment that others should fit to you, too?!  

After all aren't you a human and bleed red if you are pricked?  (So far this is my only all encompassing definition of human, I'll deal with "humanoid" when I see one.)  That fact alone gives you as much right to exist as any NT.

If it's there, feed that flame, kid.  Like Callista said, that's good high ground to be on.

Get a coach/therapist/help (these guys on the forum can tell you better how to go about working with them) and get them to help you outline ways you can approach Heather in a friendly fashion.  Get involved in your own self-molding...get help on what you want help on, don't get roped into trying to act or become more NT.

Study her a bit (don't be obvious and scare her now) and find out what she likes.  You may not be able to ask her out right now but you can be her lab partner.  

Maybe not the whole cookie but it is a place to start.  Anytime you are feeling blue (even the dark murky indigo shades), come here and blow off some steam.  Works for me

Cheers.

Thanks everyone. I'm asking my Dad about help & thanks for the girl advice. I haven't started yet but I'll get back to you when I get started. Thanks again all!

P.S.
I hope when I'm dating Heather I'll have Aspies to thank!

Welcome to AFF genghis45
The time between being about 13-17 major sucked for me...it started to get somewhat better after that, and then a LOT better when I got to be about 27.  I know that seems like forever into the future and I hope for you that it doesn't take anyways near that long.

Hi and welcome.  Getting help for the depression is a very good idea.  Take care of your self!  

These years you're going through are weird in general because most people in your age group are trying to figure out who they are, and trying desperately to continue to fit in wherever they've found niches for themselves.  That's not to say you won't find a few good friends.  I did.

Will you be going to a different school in your sophomore year?  If you are, you can look forward to that as a partial new start.  It helped me, as did starting college.  When you get in with some people who don't have preconceived ideas of who you are, and with more people like yourself, it's easier to be a little more open and talkative.

It really sucks! You have every right to feel bad about things and horrible about your situation. Understand that this is natural and as you can tell most of us here have been through similar. Now what you have to do is not to let the bastards get to you. No easy answer. Do as well as you can at school. Look to the future in what you want to study. Where your interest lie. These times at school will not last for ever. If you can figure what you enjoy - look in that direction and learn everything you can about it. Look to focus your attention on positive things and your interests and passions, instead of self-reflection. When you start working look at saving your money and investing wisely. When you are my age you will be happy you did. Why do I give you this advice. Because I didn't do this at your age and wish I had.

genghis, as someone who was bullied throughout high-school (I'm in grade 12 now) I can give you this advice: Try so so hard to not let people's comments get to you. That is the one biggest mistake I made and it ate away at me and made me feel the way I did. If you can not even respond and let it roll right off you which is harder said than done, I know, it will help a lot. In grade nine these kids think they're amazing because they've finished elementary but they are at the bottom of the barrel, and they pick on others to make themselves feel better. It isn't right, especially for someone in your situation.

Like the others said, if you are that depressed you should have someone to talk to and get help for it. The best way of thinking is that this is actually a very minimal part of your life that may seem like forever, but is actually just three or four years out of a long life. High-school can be like prison, and you just have to put up with people. Don't let what they say or do affect you and crawl under your skin, and report bullies when necessary. You can get through it, and once you are out of there for two months you will have a positive outlook and have time to think of how childish everything was. I'm already looking back and thinking about how stupid some of the insults I received were. Just have faith in yourself, and us, because we believe you can get through it.

Well I'm visiting this lady, Anita who sortn of knows what I'm going through. There's something scary though, she says that kids have it almost exactly like I do &.... they're all dead. It just shows how discriminative peopl can be. (Even the ones you think you like.)

Here's an update, guys.
Things hopefully will get better by Grade 9 but I still hate how people don't talk to me about normal stuff & talk to me in a weird voice. I'm wondering if anyone might have an explanation why people talk to me like I'm a pre-schooler.
If anyone has an explanation that would be great.
Oh & if you haven't read my previous threads Heather rejected me & I started to try & get to know her a little better but I messed up & scared Heather so she got her asshole boyfriedn, Christian to confront me.
Things are getting better but my life still is pretty shitty.

Genghis, if life never got better than 7/8/9 grade, most people would commit suicide. They really are horrible years. People are all terrified of being "different" and not fitting in. So they attack people they see as more different than themselves -- including a lot of wonderful kids who don't fit into their narrow, shallow social world. It's just a terrible, dysfunctional stage of personal/social development.

The only good news is that life DOES get better than those awful years. Thank god.

Don't expect much from other students your age. Most of them don't really have much to offer. They're too busy with their own confusion and misery.

Just watch them like a sort of big, dysfunctional circus.

Kylo4 nailed it.

Woohoo!

Those grades didn't feel that bad for me even though I never had any friends, so I guess heaven has arrived now that I've aged further.

Amadkiwi, you rock!  

I kind of wish I hit more people in high school who deserved it.  Maybe I would have taken what they said less personally.

I did once.  It was Spanish II class and I was provoked.  The teacher exonerated me, maybe sent him to the principal's office.  She said later I was a scholar and a gentleman.

Genghis45, don't try suicide.  I know the feeling though, die and teach someone a lesson.  But it is too high a price to pay for people who don't deserve your sacrifice.

You might want to pass along a note from me to the PTA to help put a stop to this.  You definitely deserve a cease fire and I hope you get it NOW.

9th Grade certainly sucks.  You are at least five periods of the school day with low lives.  Everybody has to take English, math, science, social studies, and gym.  Even low lives.

They think you are retarded because they think they can measure your general intelligence by your social behavior.  Neither we nor people with mental retardation seem to conform to their behavioral expectations, and it is plausible that a person with mental retardation would go to high school.

By college or at least by graduate school low lives have to find another explanation for us, as we have become far too educated to probably have mental retardation.

School administrators must silence and stop any conduct or communication that is anything more hateful than simply saying nothing and avoiding someone.  If they fail to do this they have failed to affirm the personhood of a person with Asperger.  They are accessories or accomplices to that person being emotionally crippled for an unknown period of time, possibly life, as diminished self confidence ruins occupational and romantic chances.  Or worse, accessories or accomplices to suicide, or worst of all, acts of terrorism at school.

Those of us who are in our thirties and forties now must prevail to tell school administrators that.  It is too late to fix our high schools from the Ronald Reagan era.  It is not too late for folks like genghis45.

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24 August 2007

To Whom It May Concern:

I realize it is tough being a teacher, biggie size classes, special needs, standardized tests, parent politics, keeping order with a bunch of kids who don't want to be there.

I realize it is tough running a school, human resources, tight budgets, standardized tests, parent politics, and No Child Left Behind.

But some children are being left behind in a non-academic way.

When children get bullied or teased, their personhood and sense of self worth is being attacked.  They look to you for a defense as you are officially in control.

But if you do not defend their personhood, what then?

Maybe they don't shoot anybody, or even commit suicide.  Still, it is worse than simply thinking of high school as dead years or retreating from friendships into study drugs sex or something else.

If they carry their injured self esteem into their adult years, the adult world will punish them for having sustained injury today.  It will withhold employment and romantic opportunities from the adults your children will become.

Your bullies will also suffer.  If they bring their bullying into enlightened places of work and fire away on their co-workers, they may quickly get fired, out.  

Clearly doing nothing does no one any good preparing for the future.

It is too late for our high schools in the Ronald Reagan era.  It is not too late for yours.

1.  School is a place of work, to work on yourself.
2.  A place of work requires respect for your colleagues.
3.  The lack of respect will not be tolerated because it will hurt the mission of the organization.
4.  Those who will not respect will be removed.  Disrespectful students might be best off in an educational setting that forces them to consider the effect they have on others.  Call it a re-education camp if you will, but end the fascism from one's friends.

That is our world today.  Be sure to prepare your students for that world, and do not permit your educational institution to crank out emotionally injured victims and bullies who haven't learned a lesson.

Thank you.

Christopher Marsh
Alexandria, VA
Graduated high school, June 5 1988
iamanonymoususa@yahoo.com