Aspies For Freedom

Hi, I'm new here. I had never even heard of Asperger's Syndrome until last week, when they had a segment on Nightline about AS. So for the past several days, I've been reading a lot on AS, and a lot of it describes the way I am. For example, I've always had trouble making eye contact. It gives me an uncomfortable feeling to have direct eye contact with someone who's talking to me. I can make an effort to look them directly in the eyes, but after a few seconds, I always look away again. Another thing that indicates AS in me is the preoccupation with a topic and knowing extensively about it, when I was in elementary school, all I ever talked about was outer space, I would go to the library and read so many books on the topic, then I would always be explaining to my mom or dad about the planets, their moons, the sun, galaxy, etc. Every once in a while, my focus changes from one topic to another, but I do tend to be sort of obsessed with a certain topic/interest for months at a time. Also, the fact that I'm horrible at sports...P.E. was an absolute nightmare for me in elementary school and middle school. I don't have very good balance and coordination, and I could never do the things the other kids seemed to do so effortlessly. Some kids were very taunting and cruel about this. In fact, in elementary school, some teachers thought I was a troublemaker, because I would get tired of the taunting, and sometimes get into fights with the kids who were making fun of me. There was one teacher in particular who was convinced that I was anti-social, and so she moved my desk away from the rest of the class, and sit in a corner all by myself. I'm so glad elementary school is over, a lot of it was nightmarish. During middle school, it got worse when ever we went to gym class, there was this girl who was the leader of a certain clique of girls, and she was always picking on me. During the 7th grade lunch period, I usually sat by myself, since I didn't really have many friends, and I had a habit back then of drawing or writing on the air. I would be completely entrenched in what I was doing, moving my finger in the air, drawing imaginary shapes and writing imaginary letters in the air. I know I must have looked weird doing this, but I would get so engrossed in it, that I would forget that I was at school during lunch time, with hundreds of kids around me probably wondering what the heck I was doing. When high school came, I had a bit of an easier time and I made a few friends. The friends I had weren't the mainstream kids either, they didn't like to socialize much with the "popular groups", they weren't concerned about petty things, and they liked talking about things that interested me, so I guess that's why we became friends, because we had some things in common. It all went good for two years, before I moved to a different school, and it was a nightmare again. There were kids who tried to trip me on purpose in the hallways, and in the cafeteria, the kids who sat at the table behind me threw food at the back of my head. I quit going to the cafeteria...it was just too much to handle, not to mention it was so noisy in there and I really couldn't stand it anymore. Luckily, a few teachers took a liking to me, because I've always made high grades and been an excellent student, and also because they told me I was different from the other kids, but in a good way. They liked how I wasn't concerned with petty things like clothes, makeup, dating, and gossip. Instead, I liked to talk about philosophy, 80's rock music, anime, politics, and literature, and they thought I was very unique because I seemed much wiser than the other kids. Those teachers really became my mentors, and I extrememly grateful for their understanding and support. The few students I managed to befriend at that school turned out to be not real friends. They thought I was weird because I wasn't like them, and now I really don't talk to them anymore. Now I'm in college, and I think it's really hard for me...because they said people with AS don't react to change very well. I got used to the routine of high school, so to come into a basically unstructured environment of college was extremely difficult for me. I don't know anyone, and it's very hard for me to even be around people...on a few occasions, I think I've had panic attacks from being around so many people. There are a few people who have tried talking to me, but I don't really know how to talk to people I don't know, plus I don't like small talk. Someone says hi, I'll say hi, but that's really it. I hate it when someone asks, "what's up?" or "did you have a good weekend?" It's annoying because I really don't even know what to say. I guess I give the impression that I want to be left alone, because I seem aloof and absorbed in my own thoughts, but being social is extremely difficult for me. It always has been, and each time I've found myself in a new situation, it is difficult to adjust. I think my social anxiety is getting worse though, I really hate to be around people, and I'm most comfortable when I'm at home. And one more thing about me is that I have a heightened sense of hearing. I really hate it when people whisper, because it seems so loud, and it's very distracting. I can hear whispering from quite a distance, and I get very bothered by it. Well, sorry if this is too long...I know I just go on and on, and I don't even make paragraphs, real sorry about that. But I just wanted to share my story because I really never knew that there are people out there like me. I thought something must be wrong with me because I've never fit in anywhere, and I've always felt left out like I don't belong. It gives me hope to know that there's a reason I'm the way I am. But I think I've gone undiagnosed with this for years (I'm 19 now) because the symptoms of AS are more subtle than autism. Since I was walked on time, talked on time, have above average intelligence, and appear "normal", people just thought I was anti-social all this time. I'm glad to finally see that there is an explanation for why I am the way I am.

By the sound of your post I had pretty similar experiences in school and college. I was the educationally brilliant 'weird kid': clumsy, no eye-contact, hopeless at sport, eccentric, picked on for being different and only ever friends other eccentric intellectual people. I also find change difficult, especially starting college and university. I hated being around so many people and so much noise and the unpedictable changes of timetable made me upset. I ended up being treated for social phobia and generalised anxiety disorder.  

All I can say is keep at it. I just got my bachelors degree (eventually, aged 24) and knowing that I managed to finish it with a good grade despite all the difficulties I had IS worth all the stress.

I didn't know much about AS until I read an article about a month ago and then mentioned to my psychologist that I fitted all the criteria. She agreed and at 25 years old I am now being referred for a diagnosis.

I hope that whether you want to pursue an official AS diagnosis or not, that learning about AS helps you understand yourself better. I know it has helped me.

Mariana,

Congrats on your self discovery. I've only recently discovered AS myself (two or so months ago) It seemed wierd that there was a whole other world of people battling the same things I battle. This forum has been an amazing help for me, I hope it does the same for you!

I definitely saw a lot of myself in you as well. Luckily, I managed to not get picked on that badly. I had my fair share of mean girls like you described, but I somehow managed to fake it enough to have a very small number of "friends" that kept me from being totally isolated.

I've read a lot about why girls don't get diagnosed as often as boys. Its a pretty interesting thought process, I tend to agree with it.

Good Luck!

Yeah, I've got a lot of NT in me.  It seems I could be Asperger's with comorbid ADD and a lot of other things, possibly Borderline Personality.

I'm not sure if my Asperger's would fall under mild or moderate, though.  But it's not the true "classic" kind.. it's quite far from that.

I wonder if I should even bother getting diagnosed, since I'm just not very obviously Aspie.

Same here.

Are you in an Ivy League school, by the way?

Most Aspies are incredible students.

Did you have intense math or science interests when you were growing up?

I was interested in Science, loosely, but never had the cognitive ability to go anywhere with it.

I'm pretty much terrible at that, as well.  I am not visuo-spatial like some Aspies... I am simply and solely visual.  If I create a drawing I don't have the first clue as to how to develop proper perspective, that is too many steps to remember and too frustrating for me.. for example.

My visual memory is excellent but it is flat, like a photograph.  I can't really picture anything "spatially"--which is something you seem to be good at it, judging from your skills in "mechanics."  My spatial skills are quite lacking, or so they would seem.

My greatest ability is "general creativity."  I am not a very fact based or even logical Aspie (although I do employ logic in areas such as social environment, to figure out how to react to people), I appear to be more "impulse" or "feeling based"... basically I feel things "too much."

It's like the volume on everything, sights, sounds, emotions, is a little bit higher than it should be.  And this is my greatest source for inspiration... I "feel things" more than I should.  This is what makes any kind of emotion particularly difficult for me.. I can't regulate my emotions properly, because I feel too much, regardless.

Well, they do say that some Aspies have strong emotions.  I would thus be one of those.  But I am stereotypical in that I don't always show my emotions.  In public I am very contained and robotic, usually with a neutral facial expression.

Hmm...I got really good marks up until recently, now they're good-to-average, I think the stress of school is really getting to me.

Hmm...I got really good marks up until recently, now they're good-to-average, I think the stress of school is really getting to me.

Nah, I'm not in an Ivy League school. I don't think going to an Ivy League school makes anyone more intelligent. There isn't a certain measure of intelligence. People can have different kinds of intelligence. One of my professors said that he knows people who graduated from Harvard who aren't that bright.

But I've always gotten excellent grades, even if I don't study much. What happens with me though, is that I do extremely well in subjects that interest me, because I like knowing a lot about the topics. I always go beyond what is required in subjects I like. But in subjects that don't interest me, I don't really apply myself as much. I guess getting overly interested in one topic is another AS trait.  

yup thats me too.good at what i like, poor at what i don't.

To expound on that:  people don't get paid for writing on AFF, and the skills needed to write on AFF are not representative of skills needed out in the real world, so don't give me that "but you can write on here, and pretty well!" argument.

That argument is crap.

terrible at what i like, worse at what i don't is accurate truth-telling for me... just telling it like it is.

Aspies are honest.

What would you suggest to a person* who doesn't have any kind of it, significantly?

I know you'll come up with the argument "if you didn't have any kind of it, you wouldn't be able to write as well as you do" well what you see of me on AFF is not indication of a useful kind of intelligence.

* = Batman55
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Hmm, what are you talking about? Are you saying that you don't think you have any kind of intelligence? Don't be so hard on yourself, you are probably quite intelligent. People do have different kinds of intelligence, like I said. Some people may be bad at math, for example, but good at writing.

I read once that when Thomas Edison went to school, he got such bad grades that the teachers thought it best that he just quit school all together, after just the fifth grade. We all know that the rest is history...he went on to invent over a thousand inventions...including things we take for granted every day now.

Well don't have such low self-esteem, Batman55. I know how it can be like though to doubt your abilities.  I don't know you, but I'm sure you do have some intelligence, even though you don't see it in yourself right now. I think one day, you will see it. Just don't let anyone tell you that you aren't smart enough, good enough etc. Some people like to make others feel inferior because they are insecure about themselves. That's the case with bullies at school, for example.