Aspies For Freedom

Hi,

I was hoping for some advice or maybe if someone had an idea why this is happening.....I have a 5yo son who is HFA and he has always been a little aggressive at home but recently its gotten worse.  He always tends to get aggressive and physical with his little sister and myself if we won't play with him or do what he wants.  But the other night he was hurting his sister and I went to talk to him and he put his hands around my neck and started to choke me.  He looked at my eyes and I think he realized that he was hurting me so he stopped.  I put him in a timeout and talked to him about it....But does any know or have an idea why he is getting so phyiscal??  I do not think he means to hurt either of us.  Is it that its all about him and he has a difficult time understanding our feelings??  He apologizes after but does he understand why he is saying it??  He does absolutely great at school he only has outbursts at home.  I think and I have no idea if I am right but its because he has held it in at school and feels comfortable at home so he lets it out at home.  He also has been very loud, I mean talking and yelling alot which again is only at home not at school.  I am sorry for rambling but I am just concerned.....I just want to understand and try to do whats best for everyone in the house!!

Thank you so much!

An apparently very usual problem in that age, there are many similar threads in the parents forum.

I remember someone said that "they keep the rage of the bullying inside at school but releases it at home". I think you ought check up if he is being bullied, it is difficult for teachers to discover it.

I never really externalised my aggression... but I knew I could hurt people if I wanted. Some people will say that externalising aggression is overall better for you then keeping it bottled up.

He may not know or understand why he's angry, or be able to describe it. I can't really say. I'm not an expert.

I do like erkolos' post though and he seems to make a valid point.

I am a great believer in 'time out'. Even now I need to give myself time out to 'de-stress'. When I was younger I used to occasionally 'aggro' on 'soft targets' - pillows, stuffed toys, and the like.

Thank you for your posts!!  I know when he gets upset I will ask him why and he will tell me "I can't find the words"  or "my words are gone" I assume he can't tell me why or does not understand why he did it.  Only recently has he started to identify his own emotions and sometimes he has difficulty with that.... I just started to use the timeout with both of my children....Sometimes when his 5 minutes are up he isn't ready to talk about so he lets me know when he is.  I tried to have him hit a pillow but he wouldn't....I will talk to his teacher about it when break is over and see what she says about the bullying, I work at his school so it is easy for me to keep an eye on whats going on.  

I really appreciate everyones thoughts!!!

*nodding* Even now, there are times when "my words go", when I get overly upset and I'm 35.
I've always been triggered by people being angry with me or at me or just generally shouting angrily around me.
I don't win arguments once they get to the angry and shouting phase. "my words go"

I love that line is says so much and I know exactly what he means.

[quote=I_like_kittens]
*nodding* Even now, there are times when "my words go", when I get overly upset and I'm 35.
I've always been triggered by people being angry with me or at me or just generally shouting angrily around me.
I don't win arguments once they get to the angry and shouting phase. "my words go"



Thank you!!  I try to not yell or shout because Dylan has trouble with yelling!  But it makesmore sense now...It usually happens when he has hit his sister or throws a toy etc......

Twokids3dogs,
boys play rough at any age.does he have an older brother or a older boy to play rough with.that be a bit of the problem
respectfully,
Guardian aka Chris

ps not to rough mind.just tumble about and things like that my brother and nephews(i have 3- ages 4, 8 and 12 repectively)  do this all the time when the bunch of them are togather.

Hi Chris,

In our house its myself, Dylan and his little sis Liv.  So he doesn't have anyone to play rough with.  But I could talk to his dad he sees him a couple of times a week....Or what the heck I could try!!  When he was younger he used to "crave" for lack of a better word and I used to give him joint compression or "brush" him.  Could he be looking for that again??  I wonder....

Thank you so much....you are always so helpful and kind

twokids3dogs
aka Colleen

A tip I collected from the parents forum would be to let him do a physical sport that isn't social, that would loosen his rage and probably give him more self esteem.

coleen,
it quite possiball, he's at the age for it.
respectfully,
Chris.

Hi, I have a little sister 2 years younger than me (I am now an adult).
     I was always really nice to her, even though she always did everything she could to drive me crazy.
     When we were about 20 she told me I had been a really nice brother, that every time we had a fight it was because she started it.  A lot of the time, she said, she had just been deliberately testing me, and I'd be really patient.  I was amazed.  I had always assumed that from her point of view she was trying to be fair.
      I talked about it to my dad, he laughed and said, yeah, she played you like a tuning fork.
      I think if I'd been a more normal kid I would've knocked her block off on a regular basis.  I mean, being nice to her really didn't pay off very well, and using my larger size to my advantage might've bought me some peace.
      Siblings are in competition for a lot of things, especially parental attention.  I think it is fairly normal for the bigger kid to bully the smaller one.  I don't think it has much to do with autism.

Bill

When I was 15, there was a family living next door to me, with a kid my age and one who was eleven.  Whenever there was any form of conflict between the siblings, even if it didn't get physical, the parents would automatically side with the younger kid without consideration of any other factor.  Those brothers had the most hostile sibling-sibling relationship I had ever seen.
     The first time I met the kid my age, he pointed at his little brother and said "You have to be careful what you do to him because he'll always run to mommy and report you for it at the drop of a hat.".  And the younger brother immediately went and reported to their mom that he had said that, and the older kid was reprimanded in front of us!  I mean, the younger kid and the mom didn't even see that they were totally validating what the older kid had said.  I thought gosh, what a screwed up family.
     The parents have to look beyond who's big and who's not and decide matters on a case-by-case, rational basis.

Bill

One of my best de-stressers, and we found it on a site but I can't remember which one (could have been here), is a gentle head massage focusing on the back of the head and behind the ears.

So yes, as guardian said, it could be possible he's looking for the joint compression and 'brushing'.

I do a similar thing myself occasionally. I'll stand in a door way and push out against the jambs, or up against the sill then relax.

Thank you so much!!  He hasn't been that violent recently but you can look at him and tell that its going to come.....So I think I will try starting this week with the "squishes".  We used to do this when he was younger.....We used to wrap him up in a towel like a "taco" and he could roll out when he was done.  And he is doing better telling me "I am angry" or showing me his angry face.  So I will try to help become aware of signs that he is going to get upset.

Thanks again!!