Aspies For Freedom

There's not a day that goes by now that I don't run through in my mind what would probably happen if I were to 1) get diagnosed, and 2) come out.  (The seeking of diagnosis being a gesture of courtesy toward those who are already diagnosed.)  I try to imagine the reactions of every individual I know and every group I'm associated with.

I can go on for many paragraphs weighing the personal benefits versus risks, but I'll get to my point.  "Risk" is the key word.  Eventually, somebody (many at once, I'd hope) will have to take the risks.  There may be difficulties in the days and weeks that follow, but that would eventually pass.  It's for the future, not the present.  I could handle it if I knew my actions would lead to a better life for people like me later on in the future.

I imagine that coming out would be both nerve-wracking and exhilarating.

Comming out is one of those things that a lot of people seem to think they need to do.  I'd rather people think of me as an **** than a *** (I know those terms are pretty blunt, but that's pretty much what it comes down to in the NT mind).  When you say you have Aspergers, they hear "*** burgers" and think it's a joke at first.  Then if you try to explain it, they don't understand it and result to think you have some kind of disease or something.  If you mention that it's a form of Autism, they automatically think Rain Man.  Many times they won't believe you anyway if you seem the slightest bit normal (to an NT, normal means you don't have something obvious like LFA or Downe Syndrome).

Unless you know that the person you tell will likely understand what you tell them, there's really no point in mentioning it, just let them continue to think you're normal.

On the other hand, if someone asks me if I have it, I NEVER deny it.  Also, if someone mentions something about it that's completely wrong, I'll correct them, and if I have to say that I have it to prove myself, so be it.  Really, the only other time I ever mention it is when I see someone making fun of a trait, or of someone with an ASD for something that's obviously related to it (if someone makes fun of an Autistic person's hair or something unrelated to Autism, that's different).  I'll usually point out when I see someone making fun of someone else for something that is of absolutely no fault of their own, Tourette's Syndrome comes to mind, even though excessive swearing is a pretty uncommon tic, it's the one that gets made fun of more than anything else, many people even tend to believe that the swearing is all there is to TS.  Having TS myself, I know that although for me it's not exactly crippling, I sometimes have a hard time laughing at some of the jokes (of course if the joke's funny enough, and not just completely slanderous, that's a different story).

Erkolos... that makes me really bummed out that you're dealing with those problems. Sorry to hear about it.

I did finally "come out" to two friends today while out at a playdate... these are my reasons for doing so:

1. Knowing about my AS has had some amazing ripple effects as I've realized that my life has not been a complete waste. Which sounds lame, but what good is a degree if I can't use it... blah blah blah. So I've had these happy thoughts and i feel like I should let them out somewhere, but couldn't likely dive into why I'm happy without explaining AS, at least not without lying.

2. I kinda disappeared for a few weeks and they seemed to think something was wrong, and a friend of there's new that I was in "therapy" so I figured declaring autism was technically better (at least in my view) than having a drug problem or whatever.

3. I'm having a hard time being myself since discovering. I keep perceiving things through an AS filter instead of just doing it the way I've been doing it... further drawing out my already slow central processing problem. I'm just not being real, and I want to be real, and I hope this will help. Admittedly, I'll still have to fake it most of the time, but at least now there might be an okay response.

Admittedly, this could have also been a really, really stupid thing. I'm a tad nervous about having done it, actually. I'm not really very good at reading people in these situations, so if they were feeling overwhelmed or nervous, it would have been harder for me to know that. On the plus side though, they were really open to it, didn't say anything negative. Everything they said was actually really positive. That they wouldn't have guessed it or anything, but that they could see how that could be an important self-realization thing for me.

Alright, I think I've droned on for long enough. I'm sure I skipped things, cuz that's what I do.

One benefit, more for the people around me than for myself, would be an explanation of why I'm this quiet, shy person who doesn't always make eye contact and often forgets names and faces.  They have to realize, it doesn't mean I don't like them.  It's just the way I am.  Most (especially those I know through sci-fi fandom) seem to understand, because there are lots of shy people in that subculture, no doubt many of whom are aspies.  But what about all those who I might have offended without intending to or even realizing it, just by not responding to them?  If they knew why, they probably wouldn't take it personally.  After the shock value of an en masse coming-out has worn off, it would be alot easier for the people around me if they just simply knew.

As far as the "*** burgers" joke goes, that's one of many things that can be addressed in the publicity campaign leading up to an en masse coming-out.  Posters, banner ads, etc. announcing the coming-out a few months out could have a little picture of a donkey (less offensive than a butt) standing between the two halves of a sesame-seed bun, with a caption like "That's right.  Go ahead and laugh."  Wear out the joke ahead of time.  Then when the big day arrives, the "*** burgers" joke will be old and not funny anymore.

Erkolos, when you initially started this thread, did you mean in reference to coming out alone or as part of an en masse coming-out?

I don't really "come out" to people unless it happens to enter the conversation.

""What do you want me to let you become a hermit!!!"
The word "yes" springs to mind. '

LOL! Exactly!

I remember in the movie "Terms of Endearment" then the daughter is about to get married to a man her mother disapproves of -- and her mother asks the daughter, "If you were about to make a decision (the marriage) that would ruin your life and make wretched your destiny, would you want me to just remain silent and say nothing?" and the daughter said, "Yes, I absolutely would."

Ha, lol

kylo4, they'd probably still pick on him and call him a loser even if they didn't know about his AS.  Now if he told them he had leprosy, they might stay away from him.  

Keeping it a deep dark secret will only play into the hands of those who think we shouldn't exist - at least, that's what I think.

I wish your bullies were at my school, Kylo... I just loooove dealing with bullies.

Excellent. This is similar to the way I came out as gay.

Just by talking to an aspie friend today, I got a different take on this whole thing. Two nights ago, I was in a busy restaurant with my younger daughter. She had sat at a table and was reading her book so she didn't see what happened next.

As usual, I was ordering for both of us at the counter. People go along the counter with their trays and wait to be served. While I was being served, I could hear a screaming kid and was starting to really stress out. I was already a bit stressed as my daughter had told me off about a couple of things. So for some strange reason I blanked out for about 30 seconds and then heard the people shouting for me to take my plate.

So I was saying "too *** noisy" and starting to cry. The lady at the checkout asked if I was okay and I said "no". I then explained I have autism and can't handle too much loud noise. I also assured her that if I sat down and had my meal, things would be okay. So she took the tray with our meals to the table and I settled down.

But then my daughter wanted to look at some shops and what do you know, I could hear this kid everywhere we sent. I told her I had a filthy headache and would like to go home asap and that people should have better control over their kids.

Anyway, when I told my friend he said "you shouldn't tell people you're autistic you know. They won't have a clue what you're talking about. It's better to just say you get panic attacks in public, have a phone phobia or something like that. They know more about those things".

So I am seriously thinking that would be the best way to know. It seems that people are more understanding about phobias than autism.

Yes. My friend also said I had to learn to block out bad noises. But I can't wear earplugs in the restaurant or any other shop when I'm ordering because then I won't be able to hear the staff. I am seriously thinking of writing my order on a piece of paper and handing it to them.

There is also another isssue - there are some things I need done that involve making phone calls but I seem to be unable to impress upon the other people how pressing these things are. He said I have to just keep on ringing but on several occasions I have told him that this just isn't possible. He suggested I ask somebody else to ring on my behalf but because I don't look badly enough autistic they might not agree.

Still, I do have a support worker who might be willing at least to ring the pet shop I usually deal with and explain I have a phone phobia but really need to find homes for some of my rats as I have too many to look after as well as possible. The lady in the pet shop said she likes my rats because they are friendly but I generally seem to miss out on finding homes for the surplus ones.

I also try the strategy of avoiding shopping centres at their most crowded but this isn't always possible. I was at the nearest shopping centre on Saturday last, and it was crowded but I coped okay. This is good, but it is also frustrating in a way because I can't always predict when there will be trouble.

I can go somewhere in a good mood or neutral mood and if somebody in a shop either doesn't understand me or is a bit rude, it doesn't take much to set me off. That's why I like to become "a regular" at some places because then the staff and I have had time to get used to each other. When they close down or get a lot of new staff, it makes it more difficult though.

That soTMH disappeared a long time ago and his ideas didn't impress me much as he seemed to take a very arrogant attitude towards those of us who weren't as highly socialised as he was (or said he was).