Hi, I just joined this site and I have been dating a guy for about 3 years now that seems to fit the Asperger's Syndrome. When I first met him, he was surrounded with his radios, computers, gps and pda's, like a wall to shut out the world. This was on a bus trip in a club I belong to (ski club). He looked very unkempt, long greasy hair, disheveled clothing etc. I found him very intriging and got him to clear his lap of equipment and I plopped down to chat with him. He had the biggest smile on his face! We hit it off (I like my gadgets too-and am a comp sci professional). I got to know him and over time, taught him some social skills (which he was eager to learn-I didn't force him at all) and he seems so much happier. He taught me so many skills as well-radios, gps and so many tricks with PC's. So it has been a two way street. But I always wondered how he "ticked" since he had never dated (he was 48 when I met him) and didn't know how to interact with "girls". He was eager to learn and surprised that girls (generally) like a guy to be clean and groomed. Please don't put me down for trying to "change" him, he was eager to learn and take this all in. Since then, he has done some social speaking in our club and has really enjoyed learning how to interact with other people.
Now comes my question. He loves his job and he is really good at it (works on radios-his passion). The problem is, he is late to work EVERY day (up to an hour). Last year during his yearly review, they didn't give him his customary raise because of this. This caused him quite the distress. I was wondering if there are any tricks that he can use to help him be to work on time? He gets distracted with his computers, just has to do "one more thing" before he leaves the house. It's hard too, when we are getting ready to go to the airport-you can't be late there! I often have to give him the wrong time so that he is ready on time. I try not to hover and I am very patient. Any ideas?
I've heard that some other aspies have problems getting up from bed, alarms obviously don't help much.
Maybe if he got more time in the morning so that he would be satisfied with the computer.
I'm a 2nd generation offender in the tardiness catagory. Mom told dad that their wedding was 2 hours earlier than it was, just to get him to the church on time. With me, part of the problem is I have no natural sense of time. Here are the 4 things that I did to solve the work-on-time issue.
1) I had a set routine for getting ready every day and knew how long it took.
2) Catch and stop myself from doing the main behavior that makes me late, which is either trying to hunt for or do "one more thing" before I go.
3) Not let myself be tempted into staying on the home computer past a certain time.
4) The change that helped the most was something I learned from an advice columnist on the topic. The trick was changing the goal. Instead of the goal being to arrive at work by the deadline time to clock in, the new goal was to arrive at work early enough to have a cup of coffee first, or whatever. The goal was arriving 15-30 minutes early to do that. This change made a big difference in getting me to work on time. I do like the relaxed drive now instead of having to drive like a maniac running late. It also gave a cushion for bad weather or unexpected road construction.
Of course, it could also help to prepare in advance. Such as going to bed early enough to get good sleep which makes it easier to get up when the alarm goes off. Having clothes ready, briefcase packed and a lunch ready in the fridge the night before. I've been trying to motivate myself to pack a week's worth of lunches on the weekend and store them in the fridge ready to grab but i've been too lazy to implement that idea.
You realize I hope that none of this will help unless HE wants to improve. I've had to make myself a rule that I can't look at my computer until I'm dressed and ready for work. I just look at it while I"m eating breakfast. My logic is that if I run out of time, I could run out of the house without breakfast, but I cant run out naked.
Well, I guess I didn't point out, he get's up at 6:00 and doesn't get there until about 8:45 to 9:00. He lives 2 miles away from work, so commute time is minimal. I have gotten him to get his morning ritual down (he likes structure) so that shower, dressing, etc is done first thing. I just think he doesn't think about it until it's at the last minute. He has timers and reminders in his multiple PDA's & computers (he has at least 9 computers). I do point out that being late impacts his wallet (which he is good at watching). He likes to set up his PC to record shows, he likes to burn CD's with data he's gathered (radio traffic etc) and a lot of PC housekeeping in the morning. He does some before he goes to bed. Maybe I will suggest he get up at 5:00 or 5:30 and see if that makes a difference.
I thought about advancing the clocks (I do that for myself-I'm no angel at getting to work on time-and it ironically works for me), but there are so many on computers & he has several of the atomic clocks. I even thought, wouldn't it be neat to invent a set of clocks that run off a central PC or computer chip, and each day, it can be either on time or set forward-only you will not know what time it really is, until you get into your car? They could be like the atomic clocks, only the clocks are driven off the central unit.
Anyway, I digress. He seems to live "in the moment" but then is stressed when he does arrive late. I suggested that all he has to do is beat one guy to work, to inch him in closer to time-and not be the boss's target. That helped for a little while. But when I ask him, he's back to being late. I guess I could drop it completely, since it really doesn't impact me and I don't want to become a nag. Just thought someone with this problem and mindset, might have a solution that they came up with. Is there a way of thinking about this that would bring an epiphany?
Sounds like he is unable to turn off the evil beast computer. Obviously the solution would be NO time on the computer before work, but I think we both know he'd never agree to that.
So um... now i'm running a bit late in leaving. Guess I should stop typing advice and scoot myself out the door.
Yes you are right, avoiding the evil beasts-the computers are his passion and I love him for his gifts. Fortunately, he is very good at his job, and if being late is all they can find, then that is probably ok. I think he is very secure in the job, all the engineers seek him out when there is a vexing radio design problem, and he did get innovator of the year (at a large 5000+ company), so this late thing is a nit in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps that is why on a daily basis, it is no concern, just when once a year-during reviews-it becomes an issue for work. It affects me personally when we are late to a party or an event. I have even left in my own car and told him I would me him there-at least the stress is not mine in those cases. Thank you for the suggestions so far, and any future ones.
Would it be possible to gradually change his working hours so he can start earlier and leave earlier, moving ihr rituals to the evenings? He could then program all his stuff for the next day, which might also help remind him about planning ahead. It might never be possible to get him away from his computers once he starts. Getting his hours moved the other way might also work but then he might just end up an hour later still.
Oh dear, I have this trouble too - always trying to fit in one more thing before I leave home. If it is something really really important, I pull out all stops to get there on time but it seems that the pressure of a deadline is the only way to get me moving a lot of the time.
Some people have suggested using an alarm clock and getting up earlier but I say - I need 9-10 hours of sleep most nights and would have to go to bed earlier to get up earlier.
I've heard of very creative people often being late to work but doing more work in the shorter time they are there than the other staff. It requires a very understanding employer to recognise this and they have to be prepared to field complaints from other staff members who might feel hard done by.
Maybe music would help? I mean as an alarm clock, but an alarm not as a bell signal, and not as a radio starting to play, but with a CD starting the SAME song every day at exactly the same time. It has helped me to get out of bed in the morning. It think the way it works is that you have 1 signal having only 1 meaning (get up NOW). The trick that worked for me is: no postponement at all. When the tune from that CD starts, get up immediately, not 1 minute later. It may take a few days of training and it becomes unconscious, effortless. I hope this can be of any help as a signal to leave the house and go to work.
Maybe music would help? I mean as an alarm clock, but an alarm not as a bell signal, and not as a radio starting to play, but with a CD starting the SAME song every day at exactly the same time.
That is an interesting idea. I wonder if it would help to develop a routine that went in time with the music. So you know that by a certain part of the CD you should be done brushing your teeth, etc., like a dance routine. It would take effort but could be fun
Sounds like a self discipline issue. I sometimes get caught up in what i'm doing (no wonder it's with computers) and keep telling myself one more page or 5 more minutes of a RPG i'm addicted too. I have to force myself out the door sometimes but i've made a habit out of it.
Have your guy try some self disipline for getting to work on time. Make sure he is consciously trying this. After a while it should become habit and his getting to work late issues should clear up.
Of course, he has to want to change this about himself. So he has to consciously want to get to work on time.
Sounds like a self discipline issue. I sometimes get caught up in what i'm doing (no wonder it's with computers) and keep telling myself one more page or 5 more minutes of a RPG i'm addicted too. I have to force myself out the door sometimes but i've made a habit out of it.
Have your guy try some self disipline for getting to work on time. Make sure he is consciously trying this. After a while it should become habit and his getting to work late issues should clear up.
Of course, he has to want to change this about himself. So he has to consciously want to get to work on time.
And I don't know if he does. Plus, a lot of aspies don't like being told what to do. I think if his bosses find lateness a problem, they should tell him during the year instead of just at his annual performance appraisal.
Maybe the answer is "flexible hours": after all, "flexitime" works well in the public service.