01-14-2005, 02:42 AM
Greetings,
I got this in an email and I just had to post it here.
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BUTTERED CAT PHYSICS
QUESTION: If, when you drop a buttered piece of bread, it drops butter side
down, and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you took a
piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (butter side up)
and dropped it from a great height?
ANSWER: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be
able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the
butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline
aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back.
If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve
this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.
That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can be), you
have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when
released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and
butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified
by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the
cat's limbs, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to
drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by
most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread
off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on
their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after
they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed
off aliens crash on top of them.
Cat and Toast Continued
ORIGINAL:
When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is
dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side facing down. Therefore, I
propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two
will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A
buttered-cat array" could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and
giant buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking
New York with Chicago.
REBUTTALS:
Allow a humble engineer to comment. In the described mode, the buttered cat
array will drop like a stone and go splat. The toast is on the cat's back,
so its feet are free. Presumably, the toast is butter side up. Dropped from
any height, the cat's feet OR the buttered toast both are attracted to the
ground, and there is nothing to stop the descent to splat-dom. It is the cat
s BACK, and the UNBUTTERED side of the toast that repels the ground. For the
"buttered cat array" to work, the cat must have four pieces of toast
attached to its paws, with each paw firmly planted on the butter side. THIS
array will then "hover, spinning inches above the ground" as the toast tries
to flip over to the buttered side and the cat tries to spin so it's back is
upright. -- Stan P
"Would you believe that I actually tried that buttered-cat thing, it didn't
work and my cat scratched the shit out of me...?" -- Kain0
I am sorry to have to spoil your grand hopes of the perpetual motion machine
but: The proposed revision to the buttered cat array will simply not work.
In order to have the assembly work properly, the center of gyration would
have to coincide with the plane through which the junction of toast and paws
pass. The current proposed configuration has two masses joined together,
which are of extremely unsimilar masses. The resultant center of gravity
would be; depending upon the breed of cat; approximately 1/4" above the
belly of the cat. The forces acting against the approaching ground, working
through the junction of sole and butter, causing the assembly to rotate
around the off-centered point of gyration; resulting in the cataclysmic
disassociation of all parts in common. Not to mention the loss of life and
limb of any laboratory worker foolhardy enough to try and get one piece of
buttered bread onto a cat let alone attempt this feat four times. (Everybody
knows that the cats' disposition in indirectly proportional to the fifth
power of the cats discomfort.) -- Jeff B
The other thing to keep in mind is that you'd have to be careful where the cat is dropped...in the northern hemisphere, the spinning cat would, of course, spin in a counterclockwise direction, ala hurricanes and toilet bowls. South of the equator, the reverse would be true. A regulatory commission would have to be established to prevent mean spirited people from dropping buttered cats ON the equator, which would cause them to spin both ways at once, either turning them inside out or making them politicians. The truly perverse would tie the cat's feet together, apply the buttered toast, and then watch with glee, as the reverse g-force applied to such a concentrated area would shoot the cat up into the sky like some furry rocket. You have to be careful with these things. -- Rev. Glenn F.
I got this in an email and I just had to post it here.
----------------------------------------------------------
BUTTERED CAT PHYSICS
QUESTION: If, when you drop a buttered piece of bread, it drops butter side
down, and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you took a
piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (butter side up)
and dropped it from a great height?
ANSWER: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be
able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the
butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline
aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back.
If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve
this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.
That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can be), you
have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when
released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and
butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified
by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the
cat's limbs, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to
drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by
most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread
off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on
their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after
they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed
off aliens crash on top of them.
Cat and Toast Continued
ORIGINAL:
When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is
dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side facing down. Therefore, I
propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two
will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A
buttered-cat array" could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and
giant buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking
New York with Chicago.
REBUTTALS:
Allow a humble engineer to comment. In the described mode, the buttered cat
array will drop like a stone and go splat. The toast is on the cat's back,
so its feet are free. Presumably, the toast is butter side up. Dropped from
any height, the cat's feet OR the buttered toast both are attracted to the
ground, and there is nothing to stop the descent to splat-dom. It is the cat
s BACK, and the UNBUTTERED side of the toast that repels the ground. For the
"buttered cat array" to work, the cat must have four pieces of toast
attached to its paws, with each paw firmly planted on the butter side. THIS
array will then "hover, spinning inches above the ground" as the toast tries
to flip over to the buttered side and the cat tries to spin so it's back is
upright. -- Stan P
"Would you believe that I actually tried that buttered-cat thing, it didn't
work and my cat scratched the shit out of me...?" -- Kain0
I am sorry to have to spoil your grand hopes of the perpetual motion machine
but: The proposed revision to the buttered cat array will simply not work.
In order to have the assembly work properly, the center of gyration would
have to coincide with the plane through which the junction of toast and paws
pass. The current proposed configuration has two masses joined together,
which are of extremely unsimilar masses. The resultant center of gravity
would be; depending upon the breed of cat; approximately 1/4" above the
belly of the cat. The forces acting against the approaching ground, working
through the junction of sole and butter, causing the assembly to rotate
around the off-centered point of gyration; resulting in the cataclysmic
disassociation of all parts in common. Not to mention the loss of life and
limb of any laboratory worker foolhardy enough to try and get one piece of
buttered bread onto a cat let alone attempt this feat four times. (Everybody
knows that the cats' disposition in indirectly proportional to the fifth
power of the cats discomfort.) -- Jeff B
The other thing to keep in mind is that you'd have to be careful where the cat is dropped...in the northern hemisphere, the spinning cat would, of course, spin in a counterclockwise direction, ala hurricanes and toilet bowls. South of the equator, the reverse would be true. A regulatory commission would have to be established to prevent mean spirited people from dropping buttered cats ON the equator, which would cause them to spin both ways at once, either turning them inside out or making them politicians. The truly perverse would tie the cat's feet together, apply the buttered toast, and then watch with glee, as the reverse g-force applied to such a concentrated area would shoot the cat up into the sky like some furry rocket. You have to be careful with these things. -- Rev. Glenn F.
