I've been having trouble with a bully at work. I work in a tightly professional and highly political environment, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I've been thinking of confronting her, but I'm worried that if I do, I'll end up sinking to her level, or panicking and otherwise making a fool of myself.
A while back I wrote a post about something that happened to me in the laundry room in my apartment building:
The other day I was in the shared laundry room in my apartment building and the building manager walked in to check on the appliances and collect the coins from them. Then she started TALKING to me and I was stuck- TRAPPED- busy sorting out which things could go in the dryer and which couldn't.
Then she asked me where I worked and I tried to think of a way to avoid telling her about my work life and I couldn't think of anything so I had to answer. I have a very public job and people always want to discuss it with me. So I told her and she said, "Oh, that's lovely; you must know so-and-so, she's been a good friend of mine for many years!"
Yes, I do indeed know so-and-so. She's the rudest, most pompous, self-righteous, self-centered, high-and-mighty ***** I have ever had the displeasure of knowing, and she makes my work life much, much more miserable than it already has to be.
I left the laundry room feeling terribly violated. This was the laundry room where I live- my home and my sanctuary. I was wearing my pajamas, for Pete's sake.
The building manager has always seemed like a very nice person- at least, she was always very nice and respectful to me. I ran into her in the laundry room again yesterday, and she was really, really mean. She was SO condescending and patronizing and rude, I couldn't believe it! It was very obvious to me that she has had a discussion with the woman I work with, and the woman I work with has told her I'm a complete idiot.
I'm sick and tired of the way she treats me, looks at me, and talks to me. She undermines my relationships with other people and pretends to be nice to my face (but even face-to-face with me she's extremely patronizing.)
We're equals in the hierarchy at work and she has no reasonable right to act as though she is my superior. So far I have taken the "high road" and I have brushed off her rude behaviour. Our co-workers have noticed how rude she is to me.
I don't want to lose my co-workers' respect by sinking to her level, but I feel I'm going to snap one of these days and punch her.
How do I deal with this???
I should add that there's no "boss" for me to go to; we're at the top.
No HR/Personnel department to talk to?
Have you tried to find out the reason for her behaviour, from your co-workers?
Just thoughts, sorry for no concrete help.
No, we're at the top. We hire the HR people, not the other way around.
I don't think there is a reason for her behaviour- not an excusable one, anyway. I'm quite a bit younger than she is, and I think my being in the same position as her makes her feel like her accomplishments are less.
Besides, I'm Aspie in a very non-Aspie job. Our job is very social and frankly I'm not very good at it. She acts like everything I say is stupid, and then criticizes me for not being more vocal in meetings.
What she's best at is being patronizing. She congratulates me and criticizes me for work issues as if I were a child or somehow her inferior.
I'm thinking of calling her up and confronting her. When she says patronizing things to me, I'm usually so shocked that I just kind of take it. I think in order to get my message across I'll have to initiate the conversation... but I don't know what to tell her.
Do not confronte her. This is what she is waiting for. In this game, she is better than you. Keep away, keep straight, concentrate on your business.
If you say to her 'Please stop patronizing me', you take the inferior role. You show a weakness. This is what she is waiting for. This is what she wants to provoke. Stand it. Bear it for some time. Keep quiet. Do not show your struggle to her. Show it to us, never to her. Time is on your side, short term energy is on hers.
Think of her as a pimple: if you do scratch and poke, it gets big and ugly and hurts. If you let it ripe, it will open itself and can heal.
When I was a kid I was bullied a lot in school. When I came to aults for advice, they told me to ignore it and walk away. Don't show that they're getting to you! It's what they want! Don't give them that satisfaction!
I'm tired of dealing with it that way. It doesn't work, because she KNOWS she is hurting me. She's counting on me to not call her on it. She feels good when she makes me feel bad. What she wants me to do is just "stand it" and "bear it for some time". She DOESN'T want me to stand up for myself.
I've had a lot of experience with bullies, and I have come to understand that "not showing the struggle" just encourages the behaviour. Bullies MUST be confronted because if they are not, they DO NOT STOP. I don't know where the idea that they'll stop if you ignore them came from. Maybe in small issues, like when someone is poking you to get a rise out of you, ignoring them will work. But when it comes to a REAL bully, it HAS to be confronted.
Parents, please don't ever tell your children to ignore it and it will go away. It isn't true. It's not true, it's not true, it's not true, it's not true. It's an old wives' tale. It's bull.
My only problem is figuring out a way to confront her that won't end up seeming childish.
Nono, I do not mean to ignore her! Ignore the bullying, that is a huge difference!
If we were a martial arts forum, it would be like: ah, that fat, muscular guy is trying to beat you, than you will have to kick and punch.. nono, the only way such an enemy can be defeated is by taking his own energy, that would be the Aikido style. Never think that an Aikido fighter is evading the enemy, but he is taking the incoming energy and canalizes is against the enemy. This is not ignoring the fight.
Ok, then what are your options? You want to confront her, but it should not seem childish. There is nothing you can really say, because no matter with what you come up, what do you think she is telling her confederate afterwards? You cannot win by reasoning, for she has obviously no concept of that. You cannot tell her about your condition, because she would use that against you. You cannot beg her, because it would place you into an inferior position.
You cannot become a brick wall, because a brick wall is a wonderful target for a fat guy to smash against. Becoming a brick wall is not the way of an Aikido fighter. And in fact, you are not a brick wall; otherwise you would not feel angry and would not have started this thread.
You are already in a fight. Of course, you should not try to run or hide. But you cannot fight with the rules she set up. You can only win by being yourself. If you confront her, you invite her to continue. If you ignore her, you invite her to continue. Concentrating on your work is an active process. It is not avoiding a fight. It can be your way to fight.
You should not silently tolerate what she is doing. This makes you small, and that is what she wants you to be. You can make her small by being yourself. By not partaking in her game. By playing the game by your own rules.
Ah, and IF you confront her, do not do it in private. If you have to confront her, a simple reply in front of other people does it. Best it is done in combination with humour. If you can pull a laugh out of people without enhighten yourself, work is done.
Ah, and IF you confront her, do not do it in private. If you have to confront her, a simple reply in front of other people does it. Best it is done in combination with humour. If you can pull a laugh out of people without enhighten yourself, work is done.
agreed.if you do confront her,do it in front of as many of the other workers as you can,and try to belittle her in a humourus way.
also,explain what is happening to your landlady in a way that makes you seem like the 'good' guy.explain how she is being discrimiating and patronising,and warn her that if she continues to be so rude to you,that you will find other accomodation.(i know,i know,its not likely,but if there is one thing that sort of person loves,its the folding green/sort of off cream whitish)