No HR/Personnel department to talk to?
Have you tried to find out the reason for her behaviour, from your co-workers?
Just thoughts, sorry for no concrete help.
There is a man at my work ( he's 20 ) who despite the fact he does his job is constantly bullied by the Managers. One of my collegues has written a complaint about it to the General Manager. When I am working with him I support him by destracting him with work issues so that they don't get a chance to bully him. He is inexperienced in how to deal with the 'politics' of work so the Managers use that to aggitate him all the time to produce an angry or negative response from him. I won't tolerate that and I can use my experience to help him. As always, the problem lies within the insecurity off the bullies. However work place bullies are playing with peoples lives in a very serious way. Loss of income can deverstate peoples lives. So do everything you can to protect your income. No bully has the right to take that away.
Seems to be a bit like an NT game. The question is how not to be a player in that game yourself but to do your work. In any way, as she sets up the rules, you will have no chance to win, or even to go your own way.
She seems to have at least one confederate, the one you met at the laundry room. But I guess not all the other of your colleagues are that blind to her cruelty and injustice. Let her play her part, concentrate on your work and some day she will do something that discredits herself. There is hope that she will be devoured by her own evil, aka 'harm set, harm get'. Do NOT feed her energy system by neither responding to it, nor by ignoring her totally. Do not feel or show gratification if she makes a fault.
Be honest in your answers to her, make them related to your work. Never get personal. If you can stand it for some time, the others will let you know that they understand (except that they are all ensnared by her; in this case, change the job). If they do signalize an understanding, do not respond to that either. Concentrate on your work. She might have some 'good sides', work related. If there is something she is good at, do not miss to point that out, but do not overdo.
Try not to partake in her game.
No HR/Personnel department to talk to?
Have you tried to find out the reason for her behaviour, from your co-workers?
Just thoughts, sorry for no concrete help.
It seems like one reason for her behavior is very likely Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If she is someone in a high position who acts terribly among certain people, and seems to have no remorse when she says things that might offend, and has sharp social skills she can use to "pretend she really cares" at times, and then drop that "front" at a choice moment, and enjoy exploiting those she perceives as weaker.. that is NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I'm of the opinion that a lot of adult bullies are probably NPD. Usually these are people who have high positions and are well known. I'm pretty sure that the closest friends of NPDs are other NPDs, because they tend to share the same mindset: "Everything we do has to be great, if not, then exploit sensitive/weaker folks to feel like we're better than everyone else. The ego stays up, no matter what."
I don't know how you deal with somebody who thinks like that. These are the worst kind of people to deal with, in my experience, especially if you're sensitive (as I was/am.) They notice sensitivity right away and tend to prey on you directly if they're alone with you; if they're around people, it's more indirect (notice that I said these people have sharp social skills that can change at any time, these are the most manipulative people around.)
I think you might want to stoop to her level at some point, to show that you don't just want to sit there. How you can do so without feeling awkward, is the tough part. But there must be a way.
When I was a kid I was bullied a lot in school. When I came to aults for advice, they told me to ignore it and walk away. Don't show that they're getting to you! It's what they want! Don't give them that satisfaction!
I'm tired of dealing with it that way. It doesn't work, because she KNOWS she is hurting me. She's counting on me to not call her on it. She feels good when she makes me feel bad. What she wants me to do is just "stand it" and "bear it for some time". She DOESN'T want me to stand up for myself.
I've had a lot of experience with bullies, and I have come to understand that "not showing the struggle" just encourages the behaviour. Bullies MUST be confronted because if they are not, they DO NOT STOP. I don't know where the idea that they'll stop if you ignore them came from. Maybe in small issues, like when someone is poking you to get a rise out of you, ignoring them will work. But when it comes to a REAL bully, it HAS to be confronted.
Parents, please don't ever tell your children to ignore it and it will go away. It isn't true. It's not true, it's not true, it's not true, it's not true. It's an old wives' tale. It's bull.
My only problem is figuring out a way to confront her that won't end up seeming childish.
I have come to the opinion that "just sitting there and acting like your ignoring it" does not always work. Because how does "just ignoring it" stop it from happening?
NPDs as I said can tell if someone is bothered by them, because they are the opposite of AS basically.. they can see everything nonverbal.
That's a really interesting thought... and I think you might be right. She very well could be NPD. She's amazing, really... the things she says and does are so bizarre- so insanely conceited- that it blows my mind. I've only ever encountered two people like her before. And someone with NPD would really gravitate to an Aspie, wouldn't they? I mean, to bully. That would explain why I've encountered people like her before.
Hmm.. I think I'll look into NPD. Maybe I can find a weak spot.
Thanks for the tip!!!
Yeah, to me, it really sounds like a stereotypical case of NPD.
If her friend you encountered also seemed to be a bit histrionic (pushing her energy toward you, to get a reaction) then you have a clue--she has friends who use extroversion as a manipulative tool. Which seems NPD-like, to me anyway.
It seems like one reason for her behavior is very likely Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If she is someone in a high position who acts terribly among certain people, and seems to have no remorse when she says things that might offend, and has sharp social skills she can use to "pretend she really cares" at times, and then drop that "front" at a choice moment, and enjoy exploiting those she perceives as weaker.. that is NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I'm of the opinion that a lot of adult bullies are probably NPD. Usually these are people who have high positions and are well known. I'm pretty sure that the closest friends of NPDs are other NPDs, because they tend to share the same mindset: "Everything we do has to be great, if not, then exploit sensitive/weaker folks to feel like we're better than everyone else. The ego stays up, no matter what."
I don't know how you deal with somebody who thinks like that. These are the worst kind of people to deal with, in my experience, especially if you're sensitive (as I was/am.) They notice sensitivity right away and tend to prey on you directly if they're alone with you; if they're around people, it's more indirect (notice that I said these people have sharp social skills that can change at any time, these are the most manipulative people around.)
I think you might want to stoop to her level at some point, to show that you don't just want to sit there. How you can do so without feeling awkward, is the tough part. But there must be a way.
Oh my goodness: this sounds so much like a manager I had a couple of times in the past 14 years. The first time, she used to yell at me in front of my colleagues for stuff she would overlook if anybody else did it. I eventually got union assistance to get moved out of her team as my health was suffering from the stress.
10 years later, I had the misfortune to have her again. She seemed okay at first, but then started giving me a hard time and I think she wanted to get me to resign. I didn't give her the satisfaction, but it was very difficult. Tougher people than me didn't survive her bullying tactics but thankfully, she has now left the organisation.
Quit talking to her except when the job makes it absolutely necessary, and then, be ultra professional and as brief and to the point as necessary. Most bullying at work is verbal. Quit talking to her and you remove her ammunition. Don't even make small talk. Chances are good that she will ask you why you aren't talking or what your problem is.. You're not obligated to explain to her what she already should know. If you want to, you can say something like, "I don't feel like talking right now, I have a job to do", and leave her standing there while you hurry off to do something terribly important. Or you could say that you come there to work, not to socialize, that you don't have time for small talk. In either case, don't wait for a reply, just leave the area before she can say something snotty.
Believe it or not, this really does bother/punish normal people. They *need* to blather drivel and small talk all day long in order to feel fulfilled.
I endured a LOT of bullying at my previous job and this strategy was effective most of the time. Finally my manager started bullying me, and she is very withdrawn and introverted, passive aggressive type....head trips. The bosses weren't going to do anything about her (she always came off as shy and nice because she was quiet and her nasty little digs went unseen), so I just left. Screw it.....
Every time she says something nasty or underhanded just ask her how her diet is going, or ask if she is pregnant. If she was a guy I would tell you to ask them to take the matter "out the back". Women = weight worries. OK it sounds sexist, but believe me the occassions I have used it (Nicely and repetitively) it has worked wonders. You are bullied and go home. Drama over. They are questioned about their weight they go home, starve themselves, screen their naked bodies in the mirror for evidence and weigh themselves. Hopefully she will get an eating disorder for making you feel so bad.
Or you could say she seems to have got a lot more wrinkles lately. That is sure to send her into a major tizz.
I took a class on confrontation and problem solving or conflict resolution. One of the tools of dealing with difficult people was called breaking bread with them. Get her to go out for lunch or coffee away from the work setting. Develop a relationship outside of work so that you become more than just "a person I work with" Let her see you are human and not just a person she can bully. In a non territorial envirorment perhaps you can non confrontationally tell her how, what she is doing is effecting you. It make take more than one bread breaking date to develop this sort of open communication. Use this verbage. "When you say (add some Example she says) to me it makes me feel like (add how it makes you feel ) because ( add why it makes you feel this way). Re state the importance of "THE" relationship and how you want to get a long better with her so you can be more productive with her. Use productivity for the good of the company as a barginning chip. I also liked the verbage of non perptrator. "I'm just a simple women from a simple back ground but how about if we try this again like this (fill in what you want to do). I call it the "Stupid Texan way of getting you point across". Some times if you can suggest in a non assertive way, the way you want to be talked too. Make her think she is coming up with the answers. What can she do to interact with you and not make you feel talked down too. Maybe if you use an example of this hapened to a friend of mind what do you think she should do.? Avoid using words like you always make me feel. Try not to make it personal. Protect yourself from from giving her fuel or inside information on how to get to you emotionally. Don't let her know she is hurting you to deeply but try to keep your personal power. I say this becasue she may just be a raging bully, but do try to feel her out. Maybe she just needs some skills in dealing with sensetive people. Not everyone feels things as deeply as us.
Try to use words phrase in a non 1st person 3rd person statement like "When people do things like encourage each other about the work they are doing right and focus on the postitives it makes the whole team work harder for the good of the office. I mean wouldn't you rather have people on your team that can shine while carring the ball and acomplish more for the good of the project then a group of sabotagors who are only looking out for themselves?" Don't make it look like you think she is doing this. Even if she is. That would be to confrontational. She may feel less threatened by suronuding herself with slackers and dumbies becasue then she looks good. I think that if you are smarter than her and younger then she is theratened by your power. So use all the phys skill you possess. She maybe feel inside like you are out to get her. You're young and smart and able to climb the ladder of success. She's old and gone as far as she can most likely.
I like to think that this women just needs to know a better way to work with her co-workers. Unfortunately some people are just raving a..holes and nothing works but fear and intimidation like top of the food chain office politics. Hopefully she isn't as mean and nasty as she sounds. Do you have any sort of hostile work enviorment policy at your place of employment? I like to learn more ways to be assertive but bullies are naturally better at the games of intrige and abuse than i will ever be. Try seeing if there is anymore info on line under problem solving and conflict resolution in the work place. maybe you can go into self help writing if you master it. lol
I took a class on confrontation and problem solving or conflict resolution. One of the tools of dealing with difficult people was called breaking bread with them. Get her to go out for lunch or coffee away from the work setting. Develop a relationship outside of work so that you become more than just "a person I work with" Let her see you are human and not just a person she can bully. In a non territorial envirorment perhaps you can non confrontationally tell her how, what she is doing is effecting you. It make take more than one bread breaking date to develop this sort of open communication. Use this verbage. "When you say (add some Example she says) to me it makes me feel like (add how it makes you feel ) because ( add why it makes you feel this way). Re state the importance of "THE" relationship and how you want to get a long better with her so you can be more productive with her. Use productivity for the good of the company as a barginning chip. I also liked the verbage of non perptrator. "I'm just a simple women from a simple back ground but how about if we try this again like this (fill in what you want to do). I call it the "Stupid Texan way of getting you point across". Some times if you can suggest in a non assertive way, the way you want to be talked too. Make her think she is coming up with the answers. What can she do to interact with you and not make you feel talked down too. Maybe if you use an example of this hapened to a friend of mind what do you think she should do.? Avoid using words like you always make me feel. Try not to make it personal. Protect yourself from from giving her fuel or inside information on how to get to you emotionally. Don't let her know she is hurting you to deeply but try to keep your personal power. I say this becasue she may just be a raging bully, but do try to feel her out. Maybe she just needs some skills in dealing with sensetive people. Not everyone feels things as deeply as us.
Try to use words phrase in a non 1st person 3rd person statement like "When people do things like encourage each other about the work they are doing right and focus on the postitives it makes the whole team work harder for the good of the office. I mean wouldn't you rather have people on your team that can shine while carring the ball and acomplish more for the good of the project then a group of sabotagors who are only looking out for themselves?" Don't make it look like you think she is doing this. Even if she is. That would be to confrontational. She may feel less threatened by suronuding herself with slackers and dumbies becasue then she looks good. I think that if you are smarter than her and younger then she is theratened by your power. So use all the phys skill you possess. She maybe feel inside like you are out to get her. You're young and smart and able to climb the ladder of success. She's old and gone as far as she can most likely.
I like to think that this women just needs to know a better way to work with her co-workers. Unfortunately some people are just raving a..holes and nothing works but fear and intimidation like top of the food chain office politics. Hopefully she isn't as mean and nasty as she sounds. Do you have any sort of hostile work enviorment policy at your place of employment? I like to learn more ways to be assertive but bullies are naturally better at the games of intrige and abuse than i will ever be. Try seeing if there is anymore info on line under problem solving and conflict resolution in the work place. maybe you can go into self help writing if you master it. lol
Don't "give in" with this bread breaking is my advice.
Yes, me too. I couldn't be bothered to do all that stuff with somebody who is bullying me. This advice might work for some people though it wouldn't for me.
I think you are armed with "fat" and "wrinkle" comments. Fire with fire. Why must you turn the other cheek? If you are nice, then for what ever mindless idea she has got to make your life difficult, won't be circumvented by being nice. It basically says she can do whatever because the worse you can do to her is be nice. What a threat! Make her uncomfortable! Ask her daily about her weight and in the nicest way. Suggest different types of wrinkle cream because "They work for you and maybe the could for her". Ask her questions that are unlikely to be relevant to a woman her age. (ie if you think she is 40 ask her how old her grandkids are) Ask her what are the best super strategies to use when you near retirement. THink up of a new thing every day and present it in the "nicest way" so that you and she know what you are doing but it can't be conscrued as nasty. Make the *** suffer.
As I said before I have had success with this kind of thing. Guys you just threat to knock their head off their shoulders out the back it is easier.
The only kind of other cheek (or cheeks) I would turn to this bag are the ones on my bum.