Aspies For Freedom

Okay... so here goes. This WILL be long, but I just can't seem to figure this all out. I think I might be in the "denial" phase of coping with this whole AS thing... but here's my life story summed up. Please let me know if any of that clicks for you... I'm beginning to think I dug myself into a big hole by saying, "I have AS" and now I need reassurance. P.S. I know only a doc could really tell me that, but I stil don't have any insurance... and I'm mildly paranoid about what a gov DX would mean for my family life...

I feel like I've always been straight up with the social interaction part. The thing is, I did have friends, and do have friends. I always felt like people liked taking care of me, something I've been doing a little too freely lately... But as a kid and stuff I had friends. We went to church I had church friends, and even some school friends. But most of my friends when they came over to my house would play with my middle sis AND I. And at some point I always remember being rather upset about them being at my house in the first place. I always changed friends rather frequently. Which I always put with the fact that we "moved so much" but really we moved when I was 9 and 15. So that's three school changes total from Elementary to HS, so I don't see why I would have been going from one group of friends to another so often. And it never really seemed to bother me that I was loosing friends- I seem to detach as soon as I know the end is near. I don't actively remember doing much outside. I like to draw and paint, and that seemed only right I should be inside doing that. I did ride bikes a lot with my lil sis which was nice because I could really think and enjoy myself- we did swim a lot too at the local pool.

I have always had friends ask me what's wrong, even if there wasn't anything wrong. I have a tendency to "zone out" and stare at the wall... off into space... I'm just thinking. Never about anything imparticular, I couldn't even tell you what I was thinking about if you broke my concentration. I realized that I had a "blank face" that caused the question so I started to have more of a smiley blank face and that seemed to help. I also always have people look back over their shoulder when I'm talking to them because when I'm involved in a one on one convo I have a tendency to look over their shoulder. I wouldn't really call it "avoiding eye contact" necessarily because I do make eye contact in the beginning of a conversation, but my eyes are eventually drawn to the space above their shoulder or their mouth (Is there something stuck in my teeth?)

When I was a kid I used to pass out all the time. I'm not sure why... my mom said the first one was when I was 18 months old. (middle sis would have been a newborn) Basically I would get really light-headed and start seeing dark spots. The dark spots would eventually all blob together until it was all black and then there was an echoey feeling and I would wake up later. Sometimes I wouldn't actually pass out... but it would take about 10-15 minutes or so for me to be able to sit up again. Looking back on it I couldn't say there was ever a reason. Its not like it happened at school dances or heavy overload situations. Although it did happen a lot at the oral surjeon's office (I still hate dentists more than anything) But it never made sense and the docs gave me an EKG and a whole host of tests including diabetes and a million other things (I remember taking reading comprehension tests at the docs office and testing whether or not I could move one hand and not the other) this was when I was 5 or 6. The diagnosed me with "childhood migraines" which I still don't get since migraines last a really long time and I would eventually bounce out of these in 20 minutes or so- that and it wasn't really a headache...

Also in the "treatment" section of my story I started getting super stressed out when I was in 5th grade. I would cry at the end of the day because the other kids didn't really like me (a few of the girls were down right mean to me) and I didn't fit in very well. I was also crazy about my little sisters and felt that I was reponsible for them. One time my middle sis knocked her drink over at the restaurant and I sprang into action to try to clean it all up. I told the waitress who tried to help that I had it "under control"... So my parents to me to some sort of therapist (I wouldn't know what kind) and he helped me deal with my anger issues. My mom says I still use these when I get overwhelmed or angry now... at 26. The only thing I really remember is when we had a parents+counselor+me meeting and I told the therapist, "Let's be frank..." and was interrupted by laughter. Then I was too horribly offended by their laughter that I couldn't say what I wanted.

Anyway... I do really horrible in stressful situations, at least those that I can't prepare for. I have plans in my head for what to do in a lot of situations (like what if my daughter cracks her head open) where I would seem way to on top of things. But if something happened that I didn't have a plan for, I totally freeze. For instance, last week I walked into my church's nursery to drop my kids off and they all said, "HEY!" to me and I just stood there like an idiot for way too long and managed a, "hi..." and ran my kids back to their room.

I'm not so bad in social situations anymore. I can chit chat with other mommy's at the park so long as their friendly and ask questions. But I have a real problem with unstructured free times where the only plan is to walk around and chit chat. Sounds wierd but if I something bothers me at the park I can make something up and leave. If I'm supposed to be some place for two hours and its all unstructured chit chat, I get lost. I try to get involved in conversations... then everyone looks at each other, like I did something wrong but I don't know what I did- I try to always be talking about what they're talking about. But I've always seen situations like that as a waltz or something that there's the right steps and moves to make- sometimes I get the right, sometimes I don't.

I try not to talk about things that excite me anymore because for the most part no one cares. Or I replay the convo later and realize the person was bored and upset. But if someone is really interested I could talk about the same thing for hours.

I don't actively "stim" or do any of the "outside" symptoms like speak in monotone or "walk funny"- although I did start running with my hands down to my side in Jr. High and got made fun of majorly for it and stopped. I'm certainly clumbsy- no one would argue that- I'm known to not know how big my hips are and bump them into children... I always walk into walls or bump my head on car doors. I purposefully avoid walking in bumpy places because I'm likely to fall and never wear heels unless they are ridiculously sturdy.

I always have to know what's going to happen next and plan my day as best I can accordingly. If things don't go the way I expect (like I want to go home and watch a movie but my kids wanna go to the park so we go to the park) I don't flip out. Sometimes I do get grumpy about wierd things and I realize that its out of place (like if I want to get a new movie and hubby says no- not trying to be manipulative either, just bummed I won't see the movie) Even when I'm getting directions while driving I have to know what comes next, As soon as I take the "first right" I need to know what will be the next direction.

I always see my brain working like the branches on trees. Everything is connected. Seeing one thing can take my brain to a million different places and each place needs to be explored, if that makes any sense. I also really like looking at the play of light on objects like leaves and such, especially if it's moving. I guess you could say I fixate on it. I also like looking at smaller objects on the ground and imagine what I'd need to do to draw or paint that object (breaking it down into panes of color and hue)

okay, that's all I have for now... sorry again for my constant novel-writing...

Have you ever been tested for epilepsy? The "passing out" and the zoning out are big pointers in that direction.

Wow... my first post was really long. sorry, I was really tired- and long winded!

I don't think I've been tested for epilepsy, but I would imagine that it would have been included in the barage of tests included in the migraine category... hard to tell.

Also, a question about idioms... they don't really bother me so much anymore because I know them. But isn't that how everyone gets to not take them literally? Like if I tell my 4YO that I have a bee in my bonnet, she'll most certainly ask what a bonnet is or look for a bee. So doesn't everyone have to learn that stuff? And as far as taking things literally- or things that could have alternative meanings- I don't really freak out over them, I usually understand that there is another meaning, but I do usually ask, just to make sure. So usually I always appear to be asking a lot of dumb questions.

Okay, what got me on this random denial tangent is that I finally watched Mozart and the Whale. And while reading the book was eye-opening (this is me!) the movie was almost the opposite. I really don't do a lot of the "outside" stuff. I wouldn't yell in the middle of a restaurant or freak out horribly if someone came in and changed my stuff. I would be mad though. I definitely find myself more of a Mary than a Jerry. I think Mary could pass for normal. I've been passing for normal- though kinda wierd- my whole life.

I guess it's a question of when you learn it, but yes I see what you mean. I doubt NTs just "know" idioms, that seems quite impossible! I assume they just know more easily (from facial expressions, tone of voice, context etc.) when something is not meant literally, and are thus more likely to figure out idioms at a younger age.

I think to some degree visual and sensory thinking has perhaps something to do with it as well, as for example the literal meaning of many idioms produces quite amusing (albeit confusing) mental imagery, which might just distract you long enough to miss out on any cues from the speaker that this was not meant literally.

I really must get around to reading that book!!!

Some have written on IMDB about how the people in the film are "low functioning" and not really Aspies but tbh that's a bit OTT. Not everyone stims etc. quite so visibly and like you say a lot of the anger and frustration can be internalised.

Having said that, while I do not have "meltdowns" to that degree, the fact that most of the fights I have with my partner are about him moving my stuff around when I'm not there (or worse, right in front of my nose while I fume quietly to myself) probably speaks volumes.

I was quite surprised to see how similar Josh's finger/hand stims were to my own (I have only read from a few parents who described the same thing in their kids) but I tend to only do the finger stuff in public (not the hand-shaking etc.).

Oh, and I know what you mean about literal understanding. However, for me things like idioms etc. are things that I have only started to discover in my late teens (as far as spoken language is concerned, I did learn about a few by reading and then asking my Dad what they meant).

I didn't have enough literal understanding of more than a few words in spoken language to be too familiar with common idioms, I picked out the bits I could understand in spoken language so all the rest was just "baggage".

Some of what is said to me still kind of never really makes sense, and that includes largely more complex expressions, idioms etc. I don't mean I don't comprehend it but when someone talks to me, the words often don't make sense straight away (I can't make out what the words are meant to be) unless I am familiar with the person's voice or know the topic (or can figure it out from clues).

The meaning does tend to fall into place with a delay about 80% of the time but I am usually too busy keeping up with the words that I do "get" straight away to process the rest (or get confused by it).