Aspies For Freedom

I've been lurking on these boards for a few weeks, trying to work up the courage to post and work out what I want to say. It's probably going to be a bit long.

I found out about Asperger's through looking at stuff connected to Social Anxiety, which a uni counsellor suggested I might have. While I don't disagree with her, it didn't really explain much, especially how I'd always found dealing with people difficult even before it became a source of anxiety. When I came across a description of Asperger's, everything clicked: I stim, I'm "clueless" even with people I'm comfortable with, I can't deal with large crowds or noisy places (especially noisy places) - reading about other Aspergian's experiences on here has me going "Oh my God, I do that too!" on the most unexpected things (ie. there's been mention on a thread somewhere of "loping" up the stairs - which I've always done, and here's me thinking I did it because I'm short). I've done a lot of the online tests, and while I know that they're not definitive, I've landed in the Aspergian area of them. While I don't hit all of the DSM criteria, I match the required amounts in the main categories. Overall, I'm pretty confident I have Asperger's. And I'm reassured quite a bit by that.

Still, it feels like I've spent years putting so much effort into compensating for the fact that I'm not neurotypical, and still not getting it right. I have so many different strategies for dealing with situations that people around me find no trouble dealing with, which have taken up so much energy and so much time and people have still treated me as "weird", and I've been so frustrated trying to think what is wrong with me. And I know now that there's nothing wrong with me, I am me and I am Aspie and I cannot be any different, but I keep thinking, maybe if I hadn't tried so hard to appear normal and just been who I am, someone would have picked up on it and I'd have known before now why all the effort and the trying didn't work, and that it wouldn't.

I know this is silly thinking, and probably has more to do with depression than anything else. And the effort I put into trying to appear normal is probably what got me into uni and what will get me to the end of my degree if my depression doesn't make me implode (which seems all too likely at the moment). But there's a huge part of me thinking what was so wrong with my Aspie traits that I tried so hard to cover them up, and wondering how much the stress of trying to be like everyone around me - and the frustration at not - has added to the depression I've been suffering for years. While knowing I'm Aspie answers so many questions and it is reassuring to know that, yes I am different, yes that is ok, no I'm not doing it to be awkward; it also feels like finding out about it now has just given me one more thing to hit myself over the head with at a time when I feel like my life's falling to pieces.

Has anybody else felt like this on finding out they have Asperger's? Do you get over the angst?

(Apologies for the amount of so's. And parantheses. And sentences beginning with "and".)

I just found out about aspergers, and honestly? it's all I can think about now. It's really starting to tear me apart. I too feel that it has answered so many questions, but I'm sort of in denial, and not sure if this is what I even want to be. I think I would have been a happier person if I hadn't even known about this syndrome. If only I could turn back time

One pound, you'll get over that feeling. I felt the same way when I first found out. Now I'm glad I know what I am and I accept it.

I think that anger + a little denial is the second stage after the relief of finding out....  There's just this anger that your life seems messed up.  The important thing to do is think about all the good things- ANY good things- you've done or that have happened to you.  You'll start to feel better, to see and accept the good side of AS.  That's the next step.

Oh, and hello.  Welcome.

ARGH, too many thoughts.  Okay, I basically think that self-knowledge is good. You can think of aspieness as a concept that lays out some possibilities...it explains data that might have been disconnected before that now, suddenly, makes sense because this new concept...aspieness...puts it into a new kind of order for you.  This is probably good, unless you now feel a need to limit yourself to the concept, which would not necessarily be good.  I don't know if such a concept would have helped or hindered me when I was, say, 20.  Would I have been less depressed?  I don't know.  Would I have achieved as much in my life?  I don't know.  I guess my basic view is that each person has powers...and these powers are more, or less, suited to different environments.  So finding the right environment in which one can flourish with one's true powers would indeed be a blessing.

I'm not sure whether what I have is Asperger's syndrome, or simply combined-type ADD compounded with social anxiety.

Either way, I'm damn interesting, and I still somehow function in the world, and I still love life so it doesn't matter.

It only tears you apart if you let it.

Still waiting for cancer

Aww, why?

It is hard finding out you have Aspergers, especially if you have tried so hard to be normal like everyone else, or what they see as normal.

To be honest, I was very upset when I found out and I really thought there must have been some terrible mistake, but I eventually came to terms with it and am very happy now - it explains so much of my life, it has made so much make sense and best of all, I am not stressed and worn out trying to fit in.  There are holes in my understanding of some social situations, they are illogical and now I know this, I have somehow relaxed and feel very peaceful.  

I might have holes in my ability to make sense of some things, but I am capable in other areas.  

It all works out in the end somehow.  

You will be alright

I found out about Asperger's the same way, researching social anxiety.  I felt enormous relief.  Suddenly, I had a term, an explanation, a community that talked like me.  The more I learned about it, the more comfortable I became.  I have the advantage that psychology is a hobby, and I'm very comfortable with any part of it.  I also have ADD.  I can look at each condition and learn what must be done.  ADD requires medication and coping techniques.  Social Anxiety requires therapy and confidence.  Asperger's requires books on social interaction.  Once I knew the questions, I knew where to find the answers.