So frustrating sometimes
My dad called me out of my room. He asked me why I was not visiting with them. ( I almost never go out there with them. So I do not know why he even asked. ) So I say I do not know.
Then he says what is so important in your room you can't vist with us and watch TV. I say I do not know. Then he asked me questions about work (how many hours, do I work wensdays or fridays....and so on. I answer all of them.
Then he gets mad and says fine go in your room I do not want to talk to you if your going to be in a bad mood.
I have no clue why he thought I was in a bad mood, I was not. But now I am frustrated and confused. what did I do?
Hi 3cl,
You probably didn't do anything "wrong" (and even if you did, you obviously didn't realize it because it didn't make it into your story -- nothing you posted about was "wrong").
You may have unintentionally said something that your father interpreted as disrespectful. Is your communication with him often difficult? If you think he commonly misunderstands what you're saying or your intentions, you should encourage him to do a bit of reading to understand the common communication issues between NTs and those on the spectrum. In case that would be helpful, I'll talk more about finding a useful book at the end of this post.
What probably happened was that you just pissed him off by seeming emotionless. The "I don't know" and the direct answers you gave him may have led him to interpret your behavior as if you didn't care because it may have seemed to him as though it lacked the "warmth" that a father-son conversation ought to have. If that's the case, neither of you were "wrong" -- you were trying to be respectful by answering all of his questions and he grew frustrated because he felt disconnected from you. He originally approached you because he was upset that you weren't spending time with him and then he may have further felt like you lacked a close relationship with him because you were answering his questions the same way that you would answer a teacher or someone you don't really know. He may have felt like you were in a bad mood because he felt like you were avoiding him and/or that you were being "cold" and distant. Such feelings would make his frustration warranted, but his reaction may not have been so appropriate -- he should know you well enough to know that this is your normal behavior (i.e., that staying in your room and giving direct answers aren't indicative of you being in a bad mood). If this was the case, he was taking out his frustration over his relationship with you on you by blaming you for it (through claiming that you were in a bad mood). He may or may have not believed you were in a bad mood but he wanted to make it seem like it was your fault because he was reaching out to you and you weren't reciprocating. He may have claimed it was because you were in a "bad mood" because sometimes you seem more approachable to him (even if you don't realize) and he felt like you were acting that way because you were pissed off about something. Another possibility is that he didn't literally mean you were in a "bad mood" -- sometimes people say someone is in a "bad mood" as a way to communicate that they are displeased with the person's attitude because they expected or hoped that the person would be more cheerful or friendly or easier to work with, even if that person is normally that way and doesn't mean anything by it.
It would have been very helpful to him if you told him that you didn't know why he was upset. I don't know how upset he was at the time or how your dad reacts in general, but in the future try to do this in consideration of those things (i.e., his current mood and how he typically reacts). If he was hysterically mad, this could frustrate him more if you just say that you don't understand what triggered it. If he gets hysterical, it may be worth giving it a few minutes after the confrontation to approach him so he's already let out a little steam. Regardless, be sure to start off by apologizing for frustrating him -- say something like "Dad, I'm sorry for getting you upset, but I honestly didn't mean to -- I think we're misinterpreting each other." Even if you don't necessarily feel so sorry, it isn't being untrue because you didn't intentionally upset him and I'm sure you wouldn't have intentionally upset him if you had the option. Also avoid blaming him -- it's important to say "I think WE are misinterpreting EACH OTHER" or "I think WE are having difficulty communicating" rather than saying something like "YOU misunderstood ME." Telling someone who is frustrated with you that it's his fault may anger them more. The "we" will prevent him from feeling that he needs to be defensive (and have to further assign the blame to you). The "we" also tells him that it's something that both of you need to work together on, rather than making it seem like it's something that is entirely his problem. It really is something that is problematic for both of you -- he is misinterpreting you and you're not expressing yourself in a way that he can understand.
Though it would be nice if your dad understood you better at this point, I don't see the confrontation as a necessarily bad thing -- it seems as though he got upset because he wants to be closer with you, which isn't such a bad thing to be upset about. If I were you, I'd approach him now and say something like "I'm sorry that you got upset before but I honestly didn't understand why or what I did wrong. After taking another look at the situation, I realize that you wanted to spend time with me and I appreciate the gesture. I'm sorry that you took offense to me staying in my room instead of watching television with you and that you thought from how I was answering you questions that I was being rude or in a "bad mood." I honestly didn't mean anything by any of it. I think we have some difficulties with understanding one another's intentions and with communicating. I really do care about you and I'd love to work on those difficulties with you and try to develop a closer/stronger relationship." This would probably make your father very happy and he'd really appreciate it. I obviously don't know if you actually want to develop a better relationship with your father, but I'd recommend it. He's always going to be in your life and you should make the most of it. If he's willing to try, you should be too -- it can't hurt. If you don't enjoy being in others' company, tell him that you prefer being alone so he doesn't take offense or think you're avoiding him. But even if that is the case, it would still be helpful for the two of you to communicate better with one another so you can avoid conflicts like that one and so that you can actually find him as someone helpful, rather than an antagonist.
It would probably be useful for him to do some reading on typical autistic behavior and communication patterns so he can understand you better. NT-AS communication requires a greater level of interpretation than NT-NT interaction does, so a book can provide a guide to doing that interpretation. I would recommend that you find the book(s) for him by picking out something after skimming through some books that you think describes/represents you well. There's so many books out there but not many of them are helpful because most are either authored by psychologists who are writing in response to research findings or are authored by people who are writing in response to one (or a few) personal relationships with those on the spectrum. In the case of the researcher, the book is probably written without actually knowing the people s/he's writing about and even without communicating with the individuals in typical settings or about typical subjects. In the case of the author writing based on personal experiences/relationships, s/he's writing about one specific case or a few specific cases and is likely to wrongfully imply that what he or she has learned can be applied to interacting with everyone on the spectrum (which is obviously downright silly...). Some researchers do publish helpful books and some authors do a good job at generalizing appropriately but I haven't come across a single book that is thorough enough to cover all the sorts of interaction issues so that it would be very helpful for every NT-autistic relationship. It may also be helpful for your dad to do the same -- find a book for those on the spectrum that gives advice or "skills training" that he thinks would be useful for improving your relationship with him. It's very important that you discuss the readings together (regardless of whether both of you are reading guides or just you or just your dad is) to make sure that you understand what you're reading. I've read hundreds of books on the spectrum, so let me know if you're having trouble finding something good for either of you and I'll try to help.
Good luck!
Forgive me if this sounds rude, I'm just forgiving social graces (and proper pronouns) for the sake of essence, and I'd rather not dilute it with big, nice-sounding polysyllabic synonyms.
3cl, have you ever thought about this situation from your dad's point of view? What's your dad like? How's your relationship? Do you two talk much? I know the older I got, the less my dad and I talked, because I got more independent and really didn't want my dad watching my every move. Maybe you're just at that age where you don't talk much to your dad.
Course, part of that is, you think your dad's watching your every move, so you try to do things privately, and of course you know it looks like you're doing stuff behind his back. So you reiterate your uneventful and almost regrettably nontroublesome life to your father and then he eventually tells you to just go have your fun if you're so bored talking about it.
So maybe your dad understands your want for independence, and you seem to prefer being left alone. He's just checking up on you, seeing how you're doing, trying to get you involved with the family activities...and then doing you a favor by conceding and then saving the awkwardness of a failed conversation by keeping discipline and order in the house (like a good father does) in the only way he's found works: by telling you to go to your room.
And maybe that's not the proper way to do it, but hey, that's what his dad did when he just wanted to be left alone, and more importantly, it works. You pretty much stay out of trouble and sit on your computer all the time wishing for a world that worked on your terms. It don't work perfectly, but it works - a testament to humanity in and of itself.
And before I forget, my whole prior musement is null and void if you're actually sneaking out and causing trouble, and then lying to your dad about what you're doing.
Just good ol' horse sense from a horse who sees his own eyes in his blinders. Again, sorry if any of that comes across as rude.
Cheers,
Dave
My mother does that to me all the time. She'll start talking to me, and then she'll tell me to tell her something about what's happening in my life, so I'll try to think of something, and I'll tell her if I come up with something, but if I don't then she gets really mad. I know she wants me to share things with her and laugh about things and tell her stories, but I just don't have anything to give her.
knoxboxlox thanks for the detailed response. Yes my father and I often always misinterpret each other. Witch dose make communication with him very difficult. I am not officially diagnosed with AS and I it would be to hard to tell him. the day after this insistent happened I asked my mom if she new what went wrong. She told me almost the same thing you have written here. The emotionless and directness of my answers may have hurt him. He might have been trying to connect and have a conversation with me but I always miss that.
My dad was partly right though. I really wanted to be in my room because I was enjoying what I was doing, and it is hard to go back and forth between things for me.
My Dad tends to over react he seems to go from happy to mad in seconds. It makes things worse that he his over 6 ft and 300 pounds, he can intimidate with out even knowing. That is partly why I have not tried to talk to him about this yet. But what you have said sounds like good advice.
It would be real nice if everyone I knew understood me. but then i might not be at this web site. Trying to be close or loving to anyone is one of my weakest points though. I try to spend time with them but it is extremely tiring. they seem not to notice how the bright lights and loud TV or there endless questions bother me. I wish all my family members would realize this. I would be nice if they would respect my differences. I also wish it would be easier for me to communicate this with them. But I do love my walls and wish they did not try to pry behind them as much.
Again I am not officially diagnosed with AS. And my parents do not know that I think I have it. Bringing up this subject is something i would hope to do someday, but I do not think I can. I do not think I ever came across books to help people with asbergers. only books to help parents and NTs to understand them. I love my Dad but i do not know if we could ever really understand each other.
sorry for the long reply. I do not think i even got half of what i want to say down. I could go on forever about my communication problems. Maps and photography is so much easier to understand.
I know she wants me to share things with her and laugh about things and tell her stories, but I just don't have anything to give her.
Yes, but that applies to anyone who wants to talk about something off my interests.
Your dad could've misinterpreted your short answers as a "bad mood". Answering in a brief manner, and not giving a reason why you wanted to be alone, could have gotten your dad's signals crossed and told him "bad mood" rather than "would like to be alone".
Next time he asks why you want to be alone, I suggest something like, "I've been with people all day, had to deal with them at work/school/etc., and I'm just tired of it right now. I'm not mad; I'm just tired. I need time alone to unwind." Intraverted NTs will understand that right away; sympathetic extraverted NTs figure it out pretty easily.
It's all about figuring out a way to get your dad to understand you... he seems to want to, but he's assuming you're an NT kid and that you have the same motivations. So correcting some of those assumptions should help you two communicate better.