Hi, I am a new user. Just discovered this forum. May I weigh in here?
For 18 years, I was married to someone I now realise probably has AS. He left and filed for divorce, breaking my heart. I truely loved him, and tried to understand and co-exist peacefully with him.
My problem is that he does not realise his way of interaction can be abusive. I talked with him on the phone today, and it left me totally drained. I simply asked him to forgive me for something, and it turned into a 45-minute long tirade. I am bleeding inside.
I simply don't know how to make even a post-divorce relationship work with him.
I want to remain his friend. HOW? Dear Lord how???
Daff
Great moniker, Iron Man. From what I remember about the Black Sabbath song, it could apply to at least some of us.
Nobody helps him... now he gets his revenge.... kills the people he once saved....
It is normal to grow up thinking about where it all comes from if you are a guy. Having kids has good moments and bad, but a price tag either way. Some women but nor all might forget that.
And I bought the book, it's coming.
And I bought the book, it's coming.
AND I leafed through Real Women Don't Wear Pink by P.D. Carter.
I should have known. No, Jeff Bridges is not depicted as autistic or Aspie, though his daughter with his wife, the protagonist Rita Wilkins, is depicted as autistic.
SPOILER ALERT!
Jeff's problem is that he was a scam artist, has another wife and sought a girlfriend too, and physically, verbally, and sexually abusive.
Derrick Jackson, her divorce lawyer, is the hero who becomes Rita's second husband. True to Max The Bear, Rita had to marry a jerk and discover a hero later.
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Page 161, my concerns in italics.
"I think somebody likes you." she [Rita's aunt] said.
"Who? Bro. Jackson? Auntie he's gay."
"Gay? Girl, that boy is straight as a pole and single as a slice of cheese." (Are we coming off as gay, too?)
"So what does that have to do with me?"
"Look here little girl. Every single woman in this church wants a piece of Bro. Jackson."
"Why? He's fat." (Having a BMI of 43, that hurts)
"I know your momma taught you better than that. He's a good man. (commentary: Like many of us, but so what?) A man of God. (I was in Equally Yoked Christian Singles almost three years, so what?) See that's how you messed up the first time. You made a judgment solely on looks and how good he was in bed. It's not all about that."
"Yeah, I know. But he's still not my type."
"Huh! He may not be everything that you want. But I bet he's everything you need. Think about it."
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(Yeah, I think http://www.wrongplanet.net/article297.html would suggest we're not the type for a lot of ladies.)
Summary. A letdown, but still adds a lot to statements from Groovy Druid at wrongplanet.net and Max The Bear here. I'd actually like to see this story rewritten for some guy who is nice and in the spectrum. But, no, Jeff Bridges is not depicted as being in our spectrum, only as being a scammer, two timer, and wife beater/raper, and I may add, conceived his daughter out of wedlock. One of those brides you think might be pregnant but she is trying not to show it.[/size]
Gisela Slater-Walker is neither AS nor NT, she's got epilepsy
It is important to note that NT does not simply mean non-Asperger non-autism. There is a sizable laundry list of other neurological conditions: dyslexia, learning disabilities, ADHD, runs the gamut all the way to Mad Cow Disease.
I still tend to think that people devoid of any neurological condition are in the majority, but I would like to see prevalence statistics to be sure. Even then, with comorbidities, you can't be sure that the sum of all the prevalences is the number of people with any one or more neurological conditions.
And I do strongly suspect that we with alternate neurology have some sort of affinity with one another. Friend in college with epilepsy. Two girlfriends with bipolar.
Happy length proves everything... look to quality and quantity.. if you diss someone who is trying to give advice because of others failed long term marriages then you are throwing away teh baby with the bath water.. you will learn nothing... I have run across people who have attacked our marriage as have my husband and we often chuckle and sigh about their problems.. Our marriage is often an affront by its existance to many people.. they want to see failed marriages because of course they don't reallly exist in their minds.... its all long term horrible marriages...
Not in this family. .My brother is the only one with failed marriages and we can look to him for the problem.. my father even stated so andhe is right... same with my nephew...
I am not the one stating Aspies cannot marry other aspies but I am defending that Apsies can have long term HAPPY marriages with NT and that seems to be a spur in the bohinee of a lot of folks.. that is your problem not mine...
Sorry for you to put down our marriage... that is your challange... I have seen folks like you and most ended up in divorce... it was their way or no way.... that tells me of insecurity at the very beginning.... You don't want me to discuss your marriage yet you put down ours as "perfect angels"
that tells me a lot.. that you are not prepared for a long term marriage..
Next to raising a child.. marriage is the second most difficult relationship... it a matter of continuous communication, adjustments.. continued love and shared interests and giving of space.. its a balance. .not perfect angels.... it constantly grows with pain, love, joy and hopefully teh scars will help to bulid up the marriage and not destroy it... There is no perfect formula... Marrying an aspie is no guarantee of a great marriage.
Marrying an NT is no guarante.. the responsibility lies in the two of you... and that is too hard for many to handle...
it boils down to you two alone..
and yes, you are young and very naive. That does not mean you marriage will not last, but I already see cracks from your tone alone. Lets hope those cracks will be filed and filled in for your sake... and the sake of your husband and future children.
First I say.. take the chip off your shoulder. that s a first sign. the rest is up to you.. attacking long term happy marriages will not make your marriage stronger.[/color]
Okay, I'm having trouble determining whether all this is directed at me or whether some is just a general rant having nothing to do with what I said. I didn't bash your marriage, but gee thanks for bashing mine. How much evidence do you have that I'm very naive? What are you referring to when you said you already see cracks in my marriage by my tone alone?
I said that NT/AS marriages might work, but that I'm not in the position to be able to say... because I'm not in such a relationship and don't recall witnessing one irl. I've heard people in NT/NT marriages claim to have a happy marriages yet I've witnessed those same people verbally and emotionally abuse their spouse and/or be abused by their spouse, and also seen them abuse their children and pets, including physically. Obviously that means that I'm taking anyone's claim that they're in a "happy marriage" with a grain of salt. I'm not denying you're in a happy marriage, but I just don't feel in the position to make any judgment of that, so I don't. It's not like it's relevant to me whether NT/NT marriages and NT/AS marriage can or cannot work out, as I'm not in one, and likely never will be (I'm already taken).
Anyway, I'm going to add another one to my list of speculations as to why people don't ask you how you've succeeded in having a long and happy marriage... How about because people aren't interested in arrogant rants? I asked and look at what I got...
Okay... time for me to calm down. Yetti, I think you misunderstood my tone and intentions of certain parts of what I wrote. If you aren't sure how I meant something, would you please just ask instead of rant and attack?
I dunno... I guess I'll leave it at that.
You did bash long term marriages and you seem to make lite of our being two angels... I think a rant you made was long before mine and the attacks..
Uhm, the thing about two angels was from this:
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Quote:
Why doesn't anyone ask me what my husband and I did to have such a very happy marriage for so long? And why we love each other to death to this day?
Speculations: Because it's easier to bash other people's marriages than to face the problems in your own and work on them? Or perhaps people just assume you two are perfect angels and that you hence can't have useful advice for them because they're different.
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As you can tell, I didn't say you two were perfect angels... it was a speculative answer as to why *other* people don't ask you about how you maintain a good marriage. I was guessing that some people assume that perhaps you two are perfect angels. Same thing about whether long term marriages can be good or not... I didn't ever say they can't be... if I thought they couldn't be, do you think I'd (still) be married? I don't think so.
Hope this puts things back on track...
GuessWho... On the one hand you claim that you need an Aspie or cousin to understand and love, but then on the other hand there's no such person in your life because you can't understand and accept their life choices and such... can't accept them for who they are. As I've said before, I think one of the most important things in marriage is communication and trying to understand the other person. Respect is important and that includes respecting the other person's decisions as to whether to get a job or not. Now, honestly, those women might have not been the right women for you, but that means that you've got even less business saying that Aspies only match well with Aspies and cousins, as so far your experience only suggests that Aspies don't match well with cousins on a long term basis after all. If you want to use your experience to argue against AS/NT relationships, I'd suggest you take the angle of "if even cousins aren't similar to Aspies enough to have relationships work out, then NTs must definitely be too hard".
I am not responding.. you all are far more experienced and knowledgable than I am.
You know, I think that falls more in the category of "childish" than "childlike".
Just curious... do you talk like this to your husband too? (Of course, you're not responding anymore, so this is a pointless question.)
If you want to use your experience to argue against AS/NT relationships, I'd suggest you take the angle of "if even cousins aren't similar to Aspies enough to have relationships work out, then NTs must definitely be too hard".
By which I didn't mean to encourage you to argue against AS/NT relationships... just meant to say that that would be a more logical angle than the one you've been using.
I'm kinda wondering btw whether the Aspies that strongly argue against AS/NT relationships do so to "save face"... as an excuse as to why they aren't in a (happy) long term relationship themselves. Not enough Aspies around to date, and dating NTs won't work out anyway so you're doomed to being single. I think I'm on to something...
If you want to use your experience to argue against AS/NT relationships, I'd suggest you take the angle of "if even cousins aren't similar to Aspies enough to have relationships work out, then NTs must definitely be too hard".
By which I didn't mean to encourage you to argue against AS/NT relationships... just meant to say that that would be a more logical angle than the one you've been using.
I'm kinda wondering btw whether the Aspies that strongly argue AGAINST AS/NT relationships do so to "save face"... as an excuse as to why they aren't in a (happy) long term relationship themselves. Not enough Aspies around to date, and dating NTs won't work out anyway so you're doomed to being single. I think I'm on to something...
Tongue in cheek....:: Yes we are all lying... we are all trying to save face... it isn't real .. you caught us you intelligent little thing!... How clever of you.... We are miserable for 33 yrs... Misergy loves company.... no one else wants us so we stay together.. God Knows no one can EVER be happy this long! Its all a ruse! We are crying out for help! So we make up all this stuff about love adn happiness.. Marriage in just floundering from one day to the next.... We are really the poster children for Dysfunctional marriage are us! We live a lie. No NT and aspie could EVER be happy.. we are dooomed from the start and we want people to believe opposite...We are old and miserable everyday of our waking LIFE! The PAIN IS UNBEARABLE for words.....So I make up EVERYTHING!
Does that make you feel better? <BG>
Yetti, I'd really appreciate it if you'd learn to read properly... learn to read what I wrote, as opposed to reading what you think I wrote. Don't apply some filter and skim what I write but actually *read* it.
This particular thing that I wrote was in reply to GuessWho... not to you.
GuessWho seems to have some type of doom-thinking going on where he is "certain" that he can only have a succesful relationship with an Aspie or cousin. To him, this explains why he isn't in a happy relationship at the moment... there aren't enough nice female Aspies and cousins around for him to date. Hence it's not his fault that he's not married, it's just the big evil world, he can't help it at all...
Nice and convenient for him, huh? *That* was my hypothesis... I didn't say anything about your marriage in that entire post. Stop thinking everything is about you... you're NOT that important. For your convenience I'll point out once more that I've said that I think it's possible for an AS/NT relationship to work out.
Gimme a break...
I think it is true that aspie people come across as difficult when they feel they are made out to be in the wrong in a relationship and therefore have to do all the changing.
I hate being in verbal conflicts and prefer peace. Where I struggle is with organisation within the home. At work, I'm usually reasonably good but at home, organising meals and chores is a worry.
A good partnership will draw on each person's strengths and there won't be this expectation that they both have to be exactly the same as each other.
I agree :- "A good partnership will draw on each person's strengths and there won't be this expectation that they both have to be exactly the same as each other." is very true and realistic.
No one can be the same as another....life would be pretty unpleasant if this was so.
A good partnership will draw on each person's strengths and there won't be this expectation that they both have to be exactly the same as each other.
Hear! Hear!
In a great many mixed relationships -- be in a difference in neurostatus or race or whatever -- the "correct" member of the couple takes the attitude "It's okay with me if you're (black, Aspie, whatever) as long as I'm not expected to understand it and you act like ME all the time." The black paertner must be white, the Aspie partner must be NT.
Well, if that's what you want, go marry a white person! go marry an NT! If you don't love the full human being, do them a favor and go away.
He he. In my relationship, I'm the less socially acceptable one- no real career, no good records at school, don't follow simple traditions such as christmas and calling family, can end any conversation just by stating my opinion. Yet my husband wants to be more like me rather than wanting me to be more normal-looking like him. I suppose I married an oddity too! (which was known, he is more of a successful oddity though)
I totally agree, if you aren't happy married to an aspie and feel 'afflicted' with them, then don't do it. If you are in a relationship with ANYONE, you have to find a way to meet them and communicate when them and they with you. It wouldn't be reasonable to disparage a deaf partner because they couldn't hear your voice.
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