Aspies For Freedom

It is very hard to identify with being Mark, even as an officially diagnosed Aspie.
Or maybe I am terribly mildly AS.

I believe I have feelings and I can communicate them.  
If she looked sick, I'd guess she'd need comforting
The buying drinks part, might need be a habit
I don't think I'd withdraw from cuddling
If she said we were invited over I'd presume it was us
And I would feel like I was home at last and I believe I would have no problem saying it

I am certain that I do have feelings.
I would hate to think that the lack of intimacy was only a matter of NTs misunderstanding Asperger.  I'm sure I'd really hate to be confronted with the fact, if true, that I was not capable of sharing and communicating feelings, even with an NT woman.

Now, what about the book Real Women Don't Wear Pink?

Seems that the male protagonist has a "deep dark secret". according to the back cover, goes on to mention an autistic daughter.  
Is he concealing Asperger?
It's enough to make me want to buy the book.

And if the male character is concealing Asperger, why?  
Is it because NT women believe every last one of us are not capable of sharing and communicating feelings?

And dare I ask, how correct are they?  Especially given that I don't feel as severe as, say, Mark.

Great moniker, Iron Man.  From what I remember about the Black Sabbath song, it could apply to at least some of us.

I think the man that can sustain a family by himself is a dinosaur becoming extinct.  In practice, putting that sucker through college is going to require her income too.  Last time I dated, I gave up, she did not take advice to get a job, seems content with SSI, has dependency written all over her.  And no common interests either, so its no fun.

I take no satisfaction in a woman being under house arrest (except for the occasional walk) for lack of a job and a car.  She is bipolar and probably is on SSI for a valid reason.  But marriage is a partnership of relative equals and people of comparable interests.

I think we would all agree that most people don't go looking for a challenge when they get married, instead, they are trying to avoid one.  I think our fair share of NTs have steered clear of us when they were dating.

Yes, Pakrat.  Some guys do marry before they finish college and sometimes the wife works more than 50% just to put him through (PHT degree).  

But in my case it is too late for that.   I already did the hard work of college, graduate school, career mismatch or discrimination, and  vocational rehabilitation (primarily, the programming training), probably long before she met me.  Unless she is adamant that I get a Ph.D at her expense.

It is not so much a matter of intellectual ability.  Even a child can be curious, ask questions, and learn. What do you do with a woman in her late 30s who has stopped asking questions about life?

Yes, I knew about the possibility of marital dissatisfaction (the trophy wife syndrome).  That is why I refused to consider the possibility of going on.  I was reading His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley, Jr. [one sentence summary: Christians who should not divorce frequently do anyway if one or both neglect his or her top five needs.  I don't really remember, but if you are curious: the guy wants an attractive wife, recreation [really, recreation] with her, and so on, she is looking for assistance with the work load and kids, someone committed... I can look these up later and add them if you really want them.

This had Regret,-Affair,-or-Divorce written all over it.  We were at an office awards ceremony in January 2006.  A co-worker brought her married daughter, mid twenties.  The daughter and I had so much fun talking about prophecy and world affairs she had to remind me to pay attention to my date.  

She, my date that day, is no match for whom I would prefer intellectually.

So what happens if you settle for what you can get one year and you find some M.A. or Ph.D in social science or something separated divorced or otherwise not married having some mid-life crisis?

1.  Regret Wife, Be Faithful but Resentful
2.  Affair, Be Very Dishonest But Less Resentful, And Not Leave Wife Geographically (Only Emotionally)
3.  Divorce, At Least It's Honest

poor analogy, but it's like building the next class of aircraft carrier (have to consider things 40 or 50 years in the future like the cost of crew and having enough electrical outlets everywhere).  Your marriage is intended to last for life (effectively 40 years at the age of 37).  You need to consider what might make you resent your decision.

And so I stopped considering her for anything more than a friend, or maybe, a surrogate sister

1.   I don't know what it is like to stop asking questions about life.
2.   Perhaps I never felt I had the option to quit trying to work.  My parents are no longer alive and I rightfully do not qualify for SSI.  But to be ignored for one's personal abilities in nearly three dozen interviews, I might be strong but I understand.  I always thought I was one of the [college graduate] guys.
3.  Yes, I would respect a professional woman more than a woman dedicated to the home.  Maid comes to mind.  Any mature adult cleans house but unless you are paid to do it no one does it for a living, and few people work in it.  
4.  Marriage is a partnership (implies shared duties, one of which is employment) of relative equals.  I'm sorry but short of making a living I thought of myself as a kid.
5.  The money has to come from somewhere, and
6.  If one can't work the other will have to and
7. A daughter should see her mother earn just as much as her dad

Yes, I am aware that people do these things for money.  And how we talked and talked in sociology 101 to 601 about how what is done "for family" is not economically valued.  Still, emotionally speaking, before I worked like I do now, that's what I did for Mom, and that was not where I belonged.

And yes, Dad did equate that to the duties of a minor.  Except for the responsible supervision of a very minor child, he is right: it doesn't take a lot of brains to run a washing machine, though Mom did not trust him with it, only me.

Why not start a business, if you can get $75 an hour cleaning house?

Every household needs chores, and to bring in money, unless it is retired like Mom.  The two of them earned much before kids, and he still did after the kids.

For the majority of us working to live, it must always be kept in mind that a stay-at-home parent is merely a temporarily-at-home parent just like a non-disabled person is temporarily non-disabled.  Circumstances can always change.  She, or he, might have to work in an emergency.  Would be a terrible shame to foot-bind one's spouse so she (or he, though Chinese foot-bound the women) could not work in an emergency.

Hi Jenna.
1.  Yes, I think adulthood is practically synonymous with employment, even in marriage
2.  It would be nice to have a companion on my level, I mean, I'm smart I'm working, why not she?
3.  Sounds like a damn good idea too, because you never know when you might get fired, dead, or incapacitated, I'd sleep at night a hell of a lot better if she was a professional too
4.  I'm not sure if you read my critique of a recent relationship (woman with disability on SSI, my misgivings with the matter, I quit), but I don't know, but I've been told, marriage is a partnership between relative equals with comparable interests.  She did not even have the interests.  I asked, what do you do when you have questions about stuff and she doesn't?

Yes, I would feel let down if I ended up marrying someone to stay at home, whether or not she is doing all the chores under the roof.  I would prefer someone who was interested in the kinds of things I wonder about and who can sympathize every bit as much with money coming in and going out, because she's my partner in breadwinning too.  You can call that sexist if you like.

I understand that being able to keep house is a self esteem consolation if somebody wouldn't offer you a job with a ten foot pole.  Mom had a very comfortable retirement but was dying of cancer, and in no shape to drive or lug groceries.  I had commitment and an education but I was occupationally untouchable.  We had a mutually-beneficial relationship out of sheer necessity.  My brother had a computer programming career from the get go (1990 to now).  He was out making his own way.  That's what Dad said to do.  And I would have if I could have.  The only thing that makes sense is God forcing me to stick around, because my brother certainly did not.

Mom was a legal secretary before I was born, and a certified genius.  I'm sure she did not appreciate the post-professional life, I think that's why she developed an affection for liquor.  However I'm sure she was happy with us, I had Asperger for certain, brother maybe, but we were also gifted, and both employed by the time she died.

I actually have lived in the real world on my own for nearly five years (I was sharing expenses with Mom, but she is dead).  I know something about money coming in and going out.  

I know many women are content to stay home and dedicate themselves 24/7 to the kids.  Sometimes these wife-mothers think, "Money?  That's your problem, dear."   As long as he has a job and suffers no incapacity, fine.  

Sustainable living is everybody's problem.  Whether she works or not.  On a global scale, it is the problem of every man woman and child.  If something happens to our fossil-fuel-powered agricultural sector (like climatic change or the end of cheap oil), a few billion people are going to die, if not from starvation or disease, from killing one another over food.

You may take issue with whether or not I think I'd be better off with a comparably-productive, comparably-intelligent single female professional.  In my world all the women in it are professionals.  But in my judgment it is better that a household have two competent, and yes, professional adults, in case one is down for a while.  

Because things happen, that's life, and that's marriage.  A partnership.

A lot of guys would also be afraid that they are entirely financially responsible for more than one person (maybe more than two, but that is preventable, one married friend ordered a surgical strike).  That is an awful lot of responsibility for a mere mortal man in an imperfect world.

(In my specific case, she is on SSI.  Maybe a real fear that employment is a remote concept (why not just sit and collect the money?).  At the very least people who do hiring are going to be concerned, at worst, prejudiced.  A FT career is what I begged for since college graduation and probably since childhood.  Because of her bipolar, concern that she would be incapacitated.  A close friend of the family is suggesting her mom is preparing for the day when she is dead and the daughter is in a supervised setting for the remainder of her life, and suggests I leave it at that.  Because I use computers and actively feed my brain with books, magazines, the Internet, and extended digital cable, and she does not use computers at all and the only thing we have in common is movies at the theater, I would agree.  It would be different if she was as curious as I, not be bored watching the National Geographic Channel for instance)

Granted, many guys think nothing gets done at home when they are away.  That is not true, if at minimum the clothes are clean and food prepared.  Cleaning house, sometimes excessively, many guys would not notice the difference in as little as one or two weeks.
But maybe she thinks it isn't clean enough otherwise.

I agree that one who cooks, cleans, maybe shops, and takes care of dependent elderly or youth is doing something valuable, better than my mom spending her retirement and the last years of her life in front of the TV (she read books too) with a steady supply of beer.  That was her decision to make (but not one for me), my brother and I were grown, and as a result of her employment pre-kids and Dad's career, there was enough for the life span of the both of them.

(In my case, I'd be happy, at least initially, to stay home so the Mrs. can be busy making her six figures or close to it without worrying about mundane things like meals, laundry, dry cleaning, and routine cleaning.  Of course, I think in terms of preventing an even bigger mess, if you open it close it.  BUT I WOULD INSIST ON EARNING SOME MONEY, PART TIME.  I would never consent to being stripped of the economic contributor role entirely.  Sustainable living means it has to come from somewhere, always.)  

I am envisioning shared housekeeping and cooking duties between two married professionals, and at least initially without kids.  They would want to have a nice long talk about whether or not to conceive or adopt anybody.  You CAN leave a mark on the future with someone you raise to grown up.  Or, Plato did with the Atlantis story.  Or, the invention of penicillin or air travel.

And I still believe that compatible interests are important.  If he asks a lot of questions and she doesn't, and she doesn't think intellectual growth is valuable, he isn't going to find that much fun.  

If he does settle for somebody who isn't, how long is it going to be before one or more of the following bad things happen?
1.  He doesn't like her and she knows it
2.  Someone else (God knows her reason) wants him
3.  He has an affair, and he says nothing, but turns cold
4.  He has an affair and admits it
5.  He gets a divorce

A lot of people aren't living sustainably.  They have mortgages, car loans, student loans, and the kind of credit card balances you don't pay off in full every month  

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today's lesson in American life, for our international readers

(for our non-American readers, a credit card can be used to borrow money if you don't pay off the ENTIRE BALANCE within a GRACE PERIOD (3 or 4 weeks), but INTEREST gets added, possibly LATE and OVERDRAFT FEES TOO, and that's where they get their money.

Or, if you pay off your ENTIRE BALANCE EVERY SINGLE MONTH, especially IF YOU ARE ON AUTOMATIC PAYMENT, carrying a credit card can be safer than carrying cash in the remote event that you are a victim of crime. (YOU MIGHT ALSO SPEND MORE.)  Certain credit cards HAVE REBATES typically ONE TO THREE PERCENT OF ALL PURCHASES, so you can get a modest rebate amount every year.  
I maxed out that rebate limit for Citibank in 2006.

EVEN IF THE CARD HOLDER IS SUPER RESPONSIBLE, the credit card gets a small FEE from the MERCHANT for the merchant to be able to accept those credit cards.

In the past, credit card purchases used to cost more, Exxon had a 4 cent discount per gallon for cash.  Now they are usually same for credit or cash.  There are exceptions: some stores like COSTCO REFUSE MASTERCARD, VISA, DISCOVER BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO PAY THE MERCHANT FEE.  So use your ATM CARD.  But Costco claims to be a discount "club" store.

Credit card companies think cardholders like us in the second category are the incarnation of Satan.  They call us totalers and sometimes even deadbeats (because we won't let them have any interest, oh, too bad)

Well, Jewelie, some of the injustice in this world is nothing we can prevent: people get sick, people die, it's always the woman that is pregnant (I try to have sympathy, there is a nice long line of physical changes and suffering whether she is pregnant or not, nuff said).

The only thing we can do is try not to make any more injustice.  

The fact that God can break up the marriage by death any time should be an encouragement for men and women to have redundant (equal) skills: income, day to day household, parenting.  If we were immortal and people didn't get fired I'd go along with the Ozzie and Harriet idea better.