I know that children who have it are taught to say the right things, to help them form relationships as adults. I feel uneasy about this because, if it works, there will be still be nothing behind the words. And then who will pick up the pieces?
ick. what pieces? How is teaching kids what to saya bad thing- or cause bad after effects? Its not that there's nothing behind the words, its that this darn chick isn't willing to really dig deep and get to know him. I don't believe that he doesn't care about her...
I don't think I could answer what I like about my hubby either...
{waa waa... I'm a girl and I couldn't "fix" my ex...} What an irritating column... I forgot all about what the original thread was about...
Oh yea... and if you really are looking for AS marriage books, try to find books about AS women in a marriage... yikes!
Okay... I'm done now.
I've read it by now and i found it a good read although ist doesn't fit exactly with my/our situation as my wife is not outside the spectrum, too.
They've got a
website, too.
Too many of the "I married an Aspie" books seem very negative to me. They're always by the NT partner saying "I am a Martyr, he is a zombie." That hasn't been my experience in my relationship, and if that's the author's opinion, I don't think there's much to learn from the book.
Sadly, Max, you've described my mother the martyr and my dad the zombie here! OUCH!! So maybe that genre has its audience, but we are not it.
The book by (pseudonym) Ashley Stanford, Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships is notable in its lack of negativity. It is also a good read for finding out more about the diagnostic criteria, as this author gives example after example of real life Aspie behavior and fits each into a diagnostic category.
But maybe my expectations are low given the negativity that you mentioned.
The book by (pseudonym) Ashley Stanford, Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships is notable in its lack of negativity. It is also a good read for finding out more about the diagnostic criteria, as this author gives example after example of real life Aspie behavior and fits each into a diagnostic category.
Agreed. That's the only NT/Aspie relationship book I read cover-to-cover. Her husband is not really on the same point of the spectrum as my partner, but I found the book realistic and insightful.
I will never understand why any NT person and any AS person would want to marry..
Fortunately, your understanding is not required.
I will never understand why any NT person and any AS person would want to marry. I could understand such a couple having a fling, just for curiosity's sake, but marrying? You can't be truly in love if you don't truly understand the other person, and ....
I think it's a sad thing that books like these have a market.
I think in most cases it's an NT woman marrying an AS man, and there are many prejudiced ideas about men out in the culture that make it a bit tricky sometimes to differentiate between "typical men" and AS men. And of course that's Simon Baron-Cohen's contention, that AS is a manifestation of the "extreme male brain." I know that in my family, all four of the girls married Aspies, likely because our dad is an Aspie too. Two of these girls seem NT to me, and they are definitely in love with their husbands.
For example, when I met my sister's boyfriend, I thought he was quite odd in that he would lecture on and on about computers, but I wrote it off as typical man behavior. Sorry to be prejudiced here, but that's really what I thought. There was even a term for it, called "male answer syndrome" where if you ask a typical man any question, he'll come up with an answer, whether he has a clue or not, and present it as truth, rather than just saying "I don't know." That's a stereotype, but I've certainly observed it firsthand myself, many times. And though I noticed his lack of eye contact, I'm not that great with eye contact either, so who am I to judge? And then there's that old saying, opposites attract. You can't get much more opposite than an NT woman and an AS man.
And I don't want to slam women here, either, but some Aspie men are just seen as good catches from a financial point of view. All three of my brothers-in-law are computer geeks, with the potential to make a good living. I don't think it's unreasonable for a woman who wants to have children to want to know that someone can be counted on to put a roof over their heads and food on the table when she is 9 months pregnant and can barely move!! (Personally true for me.)
Too many of the "I married an Aspie" books seem very negative to me. They're always by the NT partner saying "I am a Martyr, he is a zombie." That hasn't been my experience in my relationship, and if that's the author's opinion, I don't think there's much to learn from the book.
Gisela Slater-Walker is neither AS nor NT, she's got epilepsy and she's found that Chris was and is the person whose reactions are most helpful when she's got an attack.
So their relation is somehow different from an AS-NT relation.
Have you considered that some women are actually happy just pottering around the house and garden and might indeed like to make them nice for their partner and family. I think you fall prey to the idea that people who aren't in the paid workforce are not as worthwhile as others.
It's also a form of inverted sexism ie. no longer do women have the "choice" to have it all - now they are getting obliged to do it all. Even in families with both parents in the paid workforce, the bulk of domestic tasks tends to fall to the woman to do.
Terribly well said.
Whenever I hear my husband tell someone that I don't work, I have to remind him how much money he would be shoveling out to someone to do the things that I do for free: 24/7 childcare for four year old, clean house, do laundry, pay bills, etc. Yes, I do get room and board for these things, but no one else on earth would do them for just that.
I really, really like that phrase "inverted sexism." Thanks again!
Guess Who,
For all of your talk about equal partners, and grownups earning money, etc ad nauseum, you seem to neglect the gargantuan INEQUALITY of parents, i.e. one of them gets pregnant, gestates, and gives birth, whereas the other does not.
Not that I care, but where does that fit in with your equal marriage partners theory?
Look up the word incubator.
Yes, like me, discovered I'm an Aspie at age 43, and my mom and dad are in their eighties, not knowing. My mother-in-law died not knowing her son and granddaughter are Aspies.
Oddly enough, my real life Aspie group is mostly older Aspies, which is great for me, but we're a small group and that ratio could change as we grow.
I'm going to start an older than average Aspie thread and see if we can identify each other.
I should mention that I almost always like Lili's posts and think this was just an unfortunate abberation, hopefully.
Hmm... that's very true. Happy couples don't need help books.
But still, my NT hubby and I have been in some rather difficult relationship problems before- a little closer to the big "d" than I'd like to admit. It would have been nice if there had been something to help us through that situation. Though, knowledge of AS would have been a big help.
My marriage hasn't been wonderful. We worked against each other for a very long time. It would have been helpful if there had been some way around that whole process. For us it meant that during an argument I needed extra space and extra time, if things got too hot I had to leave immediately so I didn't loose it. For him it meant understanding that if I leave its not because I am physically leaving him, but that I need to brew my thoughts. That was one of our biggest hurdles actually, he thought we should just argue until it was resolved... I couldn't (and still can't) handle that. It stresses me out more than the actual thing we're fighting about.
Yea, so some older, wiser couple should write a nice clever book with real-life ways to get past some of those scenarios without taking five years to build them up!
Max,
I actually haven't been diagnosed, not sure if I actually want to be... But I didn't discover what AS was, or that I had it, until this February. We've been married for six years! So yes, now knowing (or at least beginning to understand) the problems associated with the cross-wiring, its easy to see how we had so many problems in the beginning. We still have problems, finding the DSM-IV doesn't mean the problems go away! But we can at least figure out the base problem and build from there.
I think sometimes he wrongly bears the brunt of our relationship. It is him that has to bend for me on these particular problems. I know it has to be hard on him, like Daisy says it is for her, when I leave. Sure he understands it now and I hope he doesn't take it personally, but it must be hard for him to have his reassuring smile on when I come back cooled down so that we can finally resolve the conflict. Not to say I am inflexible myself, I have adjusted to a lot of his "quirks" too. The first few years of our marriage were some of the hardest either of us have had, and I'm glad we were able to push through them.
I actually have been feeling very sorry for couples I know that have only ever had good times. We've grown so close with all of the bad, I couldn't imagine still having the same relationship prior to the problems. Though I certainly could have been okay with lower stress levels.
YES! Thank you max, much more eloquently said.
I didn't mean that I am the problem... just that because we know what AS is we can pinpoint where the problem is- at what point we are not understanding each other.
But yes, I do bring the organization. I am also the one that makes sure that his things are where they should be. (He's always putting his things in the wrong place.)
Max, maybe you should be the one to write the book.