Aspies For Freedom

I haven´t read any of those books, but I want to comment anyway.

As for the description of "Asperger Marriage", I found it quite horrifying.
Luckily, my husband, who has AS and ADHD-traits (he is not diagnosed) is empathic and supportive, although perhaps not the same way as many NT`s. (then again, we are all individuals)

Ha had however hard time accepting that I do not and cannot go out sometimes, and it was hard for me too, as he took it as plain laziness or whatever. It took him long time to accept it, and I must say that in many ways I have not been the kind of support you usually expect from a partner.

Anyway, we tried to solve our problems and find better methods for communication, but were mostly disappointed and frustrated afterwards as they never really worked.  When I found out about Asperger´s syndrome (and, in fact, one psychiatric told me already 1992 that she thinks I am autistic, but I guess at that time the dx for HFA.adults didn´t even exist so she sticked with the hopsital-dx which was shizophrentypal personality or something like that) it all got much clearer to both of us.

With all that knowledge in mind we were able to solve more of our problems in 2 weeks than in the past 1-2 years. (we have been together for 4 years now)

What I mean to say, that as much as NT can feel left out of emotional support, so can AS, and AS perhaps even more as there´s hardly anyone to understan those special problems they have. And that sensory problems are not a way of manipuilation etc of which I have been accused by some people since childhood.
I think there´s no way solving the problems in a relationship, if it´s done on NT methods only. There must be understanding and acceptance of AS-persons special needs and difficulties, before any real success can be expected.

Well, every person is unique, and the needs and weaknesses of the partner should be understood and fulfilled somehow in any relationship, whether AS-AS, AS-NT or NT-NT...

I am quite positive that AS-people can solve their problems easily and effectively, if they are given the chance. Sure, conventional ways don´t work, but then again they don´t seem to work for NT-couples either, according all the divorce-rates...

If my husband would have never taken care of my needs as well (with or without the knowledge of AS) I certainly would have divorced long time ago. We´ve had lot of crises, but mostly the relationship has gotten better and better during these years- beginning was sooo difficult, that it´s almost wonder we even married..Yet we wanted to be together and work it out. I guess we can make it.

14 years ago, I met a guy who was tall, dark and handsome - and very shy. He had fabulous routines, a simple, orderly home, and was dependable. He loved cars as much as I did, as well as hiking and camping - though he didn't fish. He had a great job, was highly intelligent, was a fantastic listener, & was always smiling and nodding in agreement with everyone around him. Little did I know he was totally tuned out - unable to focus on a specific conversation unless it was the only "noise" in his world.  He would call me each evening and we would "talk" on the phone for hours. At least, I would talk. Now I realize that he was off in his own world and resentful of me "wasting his time".

After dating for a year, we married. Even our wedding night was a disaster. He drank himself into a stupor. "Self medicating" I guess.

For all the years of our marriage I have been trying to figure out why my husband is so kind and polite to everyone but me. To me he is rude, insensitive, unkind and unloving. We have been to dozens of counselors, seminars, couples groups, pastors, etc.

Now, with the help of a counselor who suspects that my husband has AS, everything I read makes sense. I am probably the only one who sees his "real" behaviors as I am his only friend - the only one who he really talks to and is open with.

I will check the various titles listed here, though I am frustrated by the lack of material on adult AS - especially in marital relationships.

Since this thread is rather old, perhaps there are more titles out there that some of you have read and could recommend.

Thanks.

Hello tryin2BPatient.

Welcome to AFF.  I can't recommend any particular book because I haven't read any.  I ordered two books, here is one:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1843101...F8&s=books

It seemed ok though it was from the NT point of view so I returend it, being an Aspie I wanted something from my point of view (there are very few books out there from that perspective)

Maybe try browsing amazon and reading the reviews, there are many books on relationships and aspergers there.  Also browsing through the previous threads here you may learn more about your husband if you suspect he is AS.

Your husbands behaviour sounds alot like my dad. My mother could not put up with him anymore after 20 years of marriage (more like abandonment) and I don't blame her .. then again I don't blame him knowing how hard it is as an aspie.  I kind of have an awkward stance towards them.

There is a book my parents have called Freeks,Geeks and Aspergers Syndrome and they seem to like it.

tryN2Bpatient,

It's wierd trying to sort out what is AS and what is abuse, because I am familiar with both, but I do think that regardless of whether or not your husband is AS, he has no right to say hurtful things to you.  In the end, instead of you helping him, he will destroy you.  I don't want to discourage you from learning more about AS, because I do think that would be helpful to both of you, but at some point you may find yourself forced to draw a line in your marriage for the sake of your own sanity, and I want you to be able to draw it.  Take your time, this is all new information and after 14 years there certainly is no reason to rush.

My husband considers himself more Aspie than not, but he was abusive to me earlier in our marriage.  Not because he was Aspie, but because he was full of deeply rooted pain that he had never dealt with.  His counselor compared it to the story of the genie in the bootle.  The genie had so much anger being couped up in the bottle, that when someone finally let him out, he told that person he would have to kill them.  I am the person who let the genie out of the bottle, and my husband was trying to destroy me.  He isn't any more, years of counseling have done thier job, but that danger was very real.  Very subtle, entirely emotional/verbal, but very real.  After 2 years of marriage I was no longer the strong woman I had once been.

The problem I see with some Aspies in marriage is not that they can't be fantastic and supportive partners, but that growing up Aspie in a world that didn't understand them may have created a lot of hidden pain that comes out in negative ways within the safety of a marriage.  Abuse more often than not is born of pain.  But, regardless of the empathy you can feel for the person that suffered that pain, it does not give them the right to hurt you.

So, some more things to think about and work on as your try to navigate the waters of your marriage ...

Thanks to all for the tips - I shall try any and all titles. Sometimes we have to help the "kid" first, then work on the "adult" behaviors. The hurt sustained while growing up would logically transfer to grownup reactions. I am sure that there are other Aspies in my husband's family which would explain his strange family situation.

I have perused Amazon.com's page on it a few times and found that normies tend to give it a five-star rating, while Aspies who have been or are married tend to give it very low ratings. One titled his comments "Apparently abusing people is okay if they are disabled?". The worst part of it is that Ms. Slater-Walker apparently keeps trying to get Amazon to delete comments like these. So not only are we being dehumanised, but Slater-Walker cannot tolerate the fact that a real Aspie might disagree with her. Were I to meet her in person, I would make her ears bleed. I seem to live in a world almost entirely populated by people I hate.

I see your point.
I was actually going to mention the film 'Mozart and the Whale' which I found helpful because it gives an example of how such a relationship can work.

My boyfriend does not have AS, but he has some mild traits and also has mental health issues - so he understands what it is like to be 'different' and to not be understood by most of your peers.

Also, his best friend of 15 years has AS and they used to house-share so he has a really good understanding of it.
So for me this works well and is a good compromise.

Most of my friends either have AS or mental health problems - I guess it is the shared experience of being 'different' that unites us.

But this is just a theory, I may well be wrong!

Yetti, please don't leave.  It's nice to have at least a few older aspies on this site.

Comment from an outside observer here--Yetti, I think you're overreacting to what Marieke has written. And you do come off as kind of arrogant.  Just my opinion.

Anyways, I'm amazed at anyone who is able to remain married successfully and happily.  More power to you!

I've never been married and never wanted to be. I know that I'm too self-centered to do it well.

Yetti--I should add-- a lot of my friends are arrogant.  I rather like you.  It sounds like you're on an interesting retrospective journey.

Yetti--ah, so many twists and turns in your thinking since you encountered the aspie conceptual framework.  And it's interesting that it came about as a result of a health crisis.  

I don't think that you're obligated to help other aspies find their way in life, although sharing your experiences might be really beneficial to some people and give them hope.  It's okay to relax and have fun.  Keeping in mind the qualifier that I don't know you at all, I'm wondering if you could be an enneagram type 1.  Five started a thread on the enneagram, which is one of my current "special interests."
http://www.aspiesforfreedom.com/showthread.php?tid=7677
For a description of enneatype 1, see:
http://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/type1.php

In hopes that some of the below will be helpful, here you go.

Personality Type One: The Reformer
The Rational, Idealistic Type

I now release...

-holding myself and others to impossible standards.
-my fear of losing control and becoming irrational.
-my fear of being condemned for being wrong.
-refusing to see my own contradictions.
-rationalizing my own behavior.
-obsessing about things I cannot change.
-all bitterness and disappointment with the world.
-feeling that other people's beliefs and values threaten mine.
-believing that I am in a position to judge others.
-driving myself and others to be perfect.
-ignoring my own emotional and physical distress.
-feeling angry, impatient, and easily annoyed.
-fearing and disowning my body and my feelings.
-allowing my desire for order and efficiency to control my life.
-automatically focusing on what is wrong with things.
-feeling that it is up to me to fix everything.

I now affirm...

-that I can allow myself to relax and enjoy life.
-that the best I can do is good enough.
-that I am grateful that others have many things to teach me.
-that I can make mistakes without condemning myself.
-that my feelings are legitimate and that I have a right to feel them.
-that I treat others with tenderness and respect.
-that I am gentle and forgiving of myself.
-that I am compassionate and forgiving of others.
-that life is good and unfolding in miraculous ways.

Source: Don Richard Riso
Enneagram Transformations
Release and Affirmations for Healing Your Personality Types
Houghton Mifflin Company, 1993, 129 pages

Thanks for taking the time to respond to the affirmations and the enneagram post, Yetti.  It's true that everyone exhibits the behaviors of all of the types and shares characteristics of all of them, some moreso than others, often.  Nonetheless, there typically are one or two of the type fixations that dominate.  They constitute areas of challenge and possible growth.  My Mom is a Type 1, so I'm fairly familiar with it.  And I have tendencies in that direction, although it's not my dominant type.

Yetti, I'm a 5

I have read a couple of books by Maxine Aston, although they upset me because they talk about it from the point of an NT who is in a relationship with an aspie and they talk about all of the downsides.
Also, the book tends to take the view that it is the aspie who has to change his ways (I say 'his' as very few women with AS are represented in the book - which in itself was a little annoying) rather than that, as in any relationship, it is up to both parties.

The books pretty much imply that if you are an NT in a relationship with an aspie, things are always going to be difficult for you and you shouldn't expect to feel loved or appreciated.

What confused me was that one had a foreword by Tony Attwood (who I used to have a lot of respect for) saying that people who have relationships with aspies are his 'heroes'.
I found this quite offensive as it implies that we are so hard to put up with and to love that someone choosing to tolerate act is an act of heroism and self sacrifice. This is quite insulting really.